You don't riddle my thoughts in the way that you used to,
back when all I saw on the inside of my eyelids was your face.
Slowly I have moved forwards,
I have made progress and become the person you always wanted to see me be.
But sometimes I still think of you and it feels like a weight is pulling on my heart,
and I get ****** back into the void of missing you.
It's not a feeling dissimilar to the longing of another beside you,
however paired with the craving for that person is the undeniable knowledge that they will never be with you.
It took me a long time to realise that;
you're not coming back,
you're gone forever.
They say acceptance is the first step in moving on,
but what if I don't want to move on?
You are a piece of the person I am today,
you are the part of me that glows and gives me strength to say
"I can do this."
you are the voice in my head telling me
"You are better than this."
you are the smile on my face when I realise I am on the road to recovery,
the worst has passed and one day this will all be just a memory.
So even though you're not coming back,
and even though sometimes I think of you and my eyes blur from tears,
and even though you can never see me become the person you wanted me to be,
I carry your strength and positivity with me always,
you are in my past,
but you are also a piece of my recovery,
which means you are in my future too.
My first real friend, whom I could trust with my life. We never got to meet but you helped me more than anyone else I have ever met. You skyped me at 4am when I couldn't stop crying and at 4pm when I was too sad to leave my room but still wanted someone to talk to. You didn't mind that I was anxious a lot, and that I often wanted to stop existing. You always stood by me and helped me, you made me laugh and feel appreciated and understood and loved. I was so busy receiving your help, I forgot to return the favour. I didn't see how much you were hurting while you projected all your positivity onto me. And so I lost you. For a long, long time I blamed myself for that. I told myself it was my fault you were dead. But now I just think that the only thing I can do is take what you gave me and use it. So I take your positivity and your kindness and I slot it into myself, like a piece of my own personal puzzle and carry it with me always. You helped me to keep going, and your memory is still helping me recover, and one day the traits of you I have held for my own will help me build the life I always told you I wanted. One day we'll meet, I'll tell you how much I miss you and I might leave you some flowers. I wish I could have touched you, laughed with you, hugged you. But saying goodbye to the plants growing where you are scattered will have to do. I love you so much. Thank you for being a part of my past, present and future. I am who I am today because of you. I miss you.