i have felt the hands of god
they were my brother's hands
feeling me up on the living room couch
only eleven and i knew
god was a greedy teenage boy
with sweaty hands and a *******

my teeth at your throat
jaw clenching
i taste your sweet cocktail
sweat and fantasy
love is there too

the blood in my mouth
it has always been yours

watching star wars in chronological order
taking pictures of the old cars i know you would like
checking the mail every day for signs of your letter
wearing the clothes you left in my dorm room
fidgeting with the necklace you got me for christmas

i drink the cheap lemonade you like,
hoping to taste a bit of your smile

i feel like i drank too much coffee.
just a side effect of my heart strings pulling
trying to find you, even though i was the one who dropped you off
at the airport.

i got home feeling cracked open
no coffee spilled out
just 'i miss you's and lint

you left a t-shirt for me. i wanted something to smell like you.
i fear i will never wash it again

i always fancied myself a eurydice
the perfect victim in a perfect tragedy

but you have me feeling like orpheus
and i can't stop wondering if i would have looked back

and i know i would have if you asked me to

i wrote so much poetry for her
because she was always busy not loving me
and i had to fill the time loving her somehow

but see the problem is
now he and i are so busy loving each other
that i don't even know how to write him a poem
and valentine's day is tomorrow

not being able to call you

when i get off work
when my favorite character dies (again)
when i buy myself lunch for one
when i can't sleep

it's devastating, it makes me rot