10/19/18, 10:00 pm - 12:00 am: “I don’t know what just happened. I completely got lost when he was kissing me. I mean, I don’t know that it’s really ever been that good with anyone. I’m sure that sounds absolutely crazy but **** it’s actually the truth! It’s so weird to try to describe it.... I don’t know what it’s like to just not be able to find the words. I ALWAYS find the words.
Well, I guess the closest I can get to a description is just WOW
It scares me. I’m afraid of really getting to the point where I fall on my face HARD for this guy. I’ve dated a lot of guys, Nichla. A lot. But it’s never felt like whatever this is...not once. I would remember something this profound. I got nothing on him. He’s like an exotic island I didn’t know existed.
I got home like 10 minutes ago and I’m still in my car. Just realized that I’m Still wearing my seatbelt. So yeah there’s that.
I just keep asking *** for clarity of mind. And I can’t help but pray with everything I have that this one is actually going to be real. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely this can’t last. I’m fighting myself right now, Nichla. I don’t know how to believe that it might actually just be real. If I do, That part becomes too familiar. Because it always fails. I know that drill. It’s ALL I know.
All I really know is that i somehow manage to seek out wolves. Every time. So why would this be any different? I’m at war with my own self.
I’m on a cloud. And overwhelmed with giddiness. But I’m desperately trying to fight it off at the same time.
It’s like refusing to look at a sunset because you know it’s just going to fade to black.
I want to enjoy the flight SO badly, and I have such heavy luggage that I need to check on the plane because it’s too big to take with me, but I don’t know how to walk away from it. It ***** the life out of me and wears me out. I just keep dragging it behind me everywhere I go. I don’t want it, Nichla. My body is tired. My soul is bruised. And my heart is a chunk of Swiss cheese. I just want to close my eyes for a moment, raise up two arms that aren’t weighed down with impossibly heavy baggage, allow a smile spread across my face, let go... and Fly.”
I’m so tired of the truth. I refuse to keep waiting for the other shoe to inevitably drop. Ghosted after six months. Followed almost immediately by an illusion of a sheep. I believed in that sheep, that is, until I grew tired of watching his softness turn into mange. And he finally shed his bodysuit as I stared blankly into the fiery eyes of a voracious wolf. I picked myself up and got back out there, only to be left at the table on a first date with a vulture who never came back from a “bathroom break.” And now, after a year of failed attempts at relationships and lies convincingly dressed up as love, I’m going back to counseling. It’s time to face my own tendencies to gravitate towards spiders with invisible webs. I’m still holding onto hope that there is someone who will love me. I just need a pair of lucid eyes to see what I clearly cannot detect on my own. I’ll learn how to navigate through this maze, because I’m bound and determined to do the work. It’s the only way out of Oz.