smc 19h
10/19/18, 10:00 pm - 12:00 am: “I don’t know what just happened. I completely got lost when he was kissing me. I mean, I don’t know that it’s really ever been that good with anyone. I’m sure that sounds absolutely crazy but **** it’s actually the truth! It’s so weird to try to describe it.... I don’t know what it’s like to just not be able to find the words. I ALWAYS find the words.

Well, I guess the closest I can get to a description is just WOW

It scares me. I’m afraid of really getting to the point where I fall on my face HARD for this guy. I’ve dated a lot of guys, Nichla. A lot. But it’s never felt like whatever this is...not once. I would remember something this profound. I got nothing on him. He’s like an exotic island I didn’t know existed.

I got home like 10 minutes ago and I’m still in my car. Just realized that I’m Still wearing my seatbelt. So yeah there’s that.

I just keep asking *** for clarity of mind. And I can’t help but pray with everything I have that this one is actually going to be real. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. Surely this can’t last. I’m fighting myself right now, Nichla. I don’t know how to believe that it might actually just be real. If I do, That part becomes too familiar. Because it always fails. I know that drill. It’s ALL I know.

All I really know is that i somehow manage to seek out wolves. Every time. So why would this be any different? I’m at war with my own self.

I’m on a cloud. And overwhelmed with giddiness. But I’m desperately trying to fight it off at the same time.

It’s like refusing to look at a sunset because you know it’s just going to fade to black.

I want to enjoy the flight SO badly, and I have such heavy luggage that I need to check on the plane because it’s too big to take with me, but I don’t know how to walk away from it. It ***** the life out of me and wears me out. I just keep dragging it behind me everywhere I go. I don’t want it, Nichla. My body is tired. My soul is bruised. And my heart is a chunk of Swiss cheese. I just want to close my eyes for a moment, raise up two arms that aren’t weighed down with impossibly heavy baggage, allow a smile spread across my face, let go... and Fly.”
I’m so tired of the truth. I refuse to keep waiting for the other shoe to inevitably drop. Ghosted after six months. Followed almost immediately  by an illusion of a sheep. I believed in that sheep, that is, until I grew tired of watching his softness turn into mange. And he finally shed his bodysuit as I stared blankly into the fiery eyes of a voracious wolf. I picked myself up and got back out there, only to be left at the table on a first date with a vulture who never came back from a “bathroom break.” And now, after a year of failed attempts at relationships and lies convincingly dressed up as love, I’m going back to counseling. It’s time to face my own tendencies to gravitate towards spiders with invisible webs. I’m still holding onto hope that there is someone who will love me. I just need a pair of lucid eyes to see what I clearly cannot detect on my own. I’ll learn how to navigate through this maze, because I’m bound and determined to do the work. It’s the only way out of Oz.
smc Jul 18
I hate coming "home"
To an empty house.
I cannot smell you anymore.
I can't taste you on my lips.
You left weeks ago
Without a warning...
Devoid of a goodbye.
My refrigerator is full of rotting vegetables,
An empty cardboard box
Full of cold air
That I can't bring myself to throw away.
I used to come Home
And wait for you,
Lying in my bed with my eyes closed.
My heart flipped upside down
When the door creaked open
And you said, "Sally?"
Every morning, when you left
Before I even had the energy to open my eyes,
I heard the door creak
And my heart sank,
But my head told me, "He'll be back,"
And every day, like clockwork, you came back.
But clocks stop ticking
And hearts stop beating
Sometime.
Who are you, and what have you done with my Wes?
smc Jul 17
I can't let you--
I WON'T let you
Run your fingers through my mind
Today.
I won't allow your voice
To dance to the beat
Of my heart.
Your smile cannot brighten
The dark corners of my mind.
I have grown callous to the memories
Of us, every day, as best friends.
The steam from the countless showers we shared
Will not seep into the cracks of my composure.
I saw your picture today,
And I did not cry when the familiarity of the You I once knew
Struck me in the face
And splashed into my stomach.
I'm growing
Stronger
Without you.
I won't allow you to break me
Again.
smc Jun 23
Boy meets girl.
Your refreshing opening lines
Inspired & Entranced
Art,
Spectacularly connected,
True to Form.
She's in love
Finally
Singing again--
Home.
The believable storyteller created perfect subjective reality...
LIEs.
Secrets burn away pretty tales
Cheap fiction,
No   (t)  Love.
Truth bickering with your mouth full,
Keeping her,
The hand that fed you.
I see you now...
Just a conman
Dancing in the dark.
Look in the mirror.
the "(t)" underneath "Cheap" is interchangeable with the "p" in that word. (wink.)
smc Jun 23
I can't bring myself to write
about you.
I'm so tired of chasing you
Out of the cobwebs in my exhausted brain.
My limbs are made of lead.
My fingers and toes are freezing and cracked
From dehydration.
My back hurts like I'm 98 years old
And to tell you the truth that's how old I feel
Right now.
I am SO ******* tired of the right now;
I keep burning calories
Just thinking you away
And I don't have any to burn
Because I didn't eat today.
The thought of food nauseates
And disgusts me.
I found you hiding in one of the dusty corners of my mind
And I didn't want to see you
Because I remembered EvErYtHiNg
About the first time we met.
I gagged on the bile that rose with the flurry of butterfly wings
In my hollowed stomach
And raced down Giddy Avenue without pumping the brakes.
I didn't want to, **** it.
I was compelled to
Purge you out of my system.
Just break up with me like a regular human being with a backbone. Then, go ahead and delete me from the computer screen in your control tower, you amorphous slime mold.
smc Jun 21
Just stay
Gone.
I’d like to remember
What
Was
Beautiful
about you.
smc Jun 21
***
help this
Empty soul
find his way
Back
to me
Did you forget? I’m. Still. Waiting up for you.
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