i hate that i want to think bad things of the girl you chose over me cause it's misdirected anger and i want to tell her to know better and watch her temper cause you don't like it when i raise mine and i should tell her to watch where she steps cause your **** is everywhere and i want to yell at her to stop looking in the mirror and look in front of her cause his opinion of her hair and his hands on her the insides of her thighs will follow her forever and she'll be sitting where i am wondering if she should have said yes more often if she actually doesn't know what she's talking about and doubting the words she holds in her mouth and holds in her throat and holds in her stomach and holds in her toes. maybe i'm projecting again but i don't think so.
when i was in kindergarden i was taught to be kind and explain why i was sorry when i was i never questioned my mind anymore than i questioned why i rode the bus every morning every morning every morning every morning i woke up and i knew i was awake because i could blink and move my fingers and not just my fingers but my hands and not just my hands but my arms and not just that but my whole body actually, i could move my entire body and i knew i could because i saw it happening and only i can say i know my body is moving for certain because i am the one making it move in the first place so how can you stand there watching me walk and watching me jump and i'm running now and i'm climbing and i'm screaming and i'm spinning and dancing and you're watching me but you insist i'm standing still
i am awake and i know this for certain
Your cheeks are warm and your hands are soft and your hug is tight and your breath is thick and my heart is a puddle and your lips are a pucker and my stomach is crying and my face is dense and done and your eyes are watering and your eyes have gold and green and brown in them and so much water and so much and you're so much and I've never held something - someone - who can swim so well through me. Who can swallow me and gulp me down while basking in my light and you're all green and sour lime. I can't close a door that was never there. There was never a way to you. And god I'm kidding myself over and over and over and over but my GOD, your cheeks are so warm.
Walking home from my friend’s house after making music and making faces and his roommate’s ex-girlfriend was in the kitchen, her back to mine across the living room and I closed the door.
I walked the eight blocks to my house.
To the left
To the right
I thought of you but only a little bit.
I laughed when I slid on the ice on Summer Street and I inhaled deep to relish in the lack of sun, and for the first time, I listened that night in November
with her cold and slender hands over both of my ears.
I’m just trying to eat my french toast and drink my coffee but you keep cutting me off as I’m about to take a sip take a bite asking why I like it with sugar i add a spoonful of creamer and you’re laughing
but not in a loving way
talking about my schoolwork and my plans for the garden
and you skip over the congratulations and mention your ex girlfriend
going on about your ex girlfriend and my face has hardened
i drink my coffee and try not to listen
i eat my french toast and i don’t pay attention
i’m looking at the man with the book eating alone
i’m looking at the waitress she's wishing she were home
i’m looking outside
i’m looking behind you
i’m looking anywhere but in your direction
so you don’t see me either
excuse me and i’m up
the bathroom is empty and nobody saw me
the mirror is clean and i am *****
the lights are brighter than i want them to be
and the soap dispenser is empty
i changed the lightbulb cause my boss asked me to
i was going to do it myself but then she asked me to
when i see you, dark eyes, dark hair, small smile and a look that makes me plate myself and sharpen your knife for you, let me do it - let me help you, you look hungry
the way you eat though is so slow and soft as if you don’t want to hurt me in the process. if you could swallow me whole, i think you would, because you’ve tried a couple times but i always got stuck under your tongue in that small place.
we’re standing on the porch under the light that the landlord finally changed last week and i’m smoking a cigarette now too.
all licks and clicks of the tongue and side glance, i am with you. i’m funny and sarcastic and you slurp on it, ‘tell me more’
you’re digesting me before i even realize you’ve swallowed