tokyo, paris, shanghai i long to see their skies. gangnam, london, & rome i doubt i will ever miss home. once i leave, the in between & the distance from you to me will make it easier to breathe because home is anywhere i can finally be me.
chemically imbalanced. these two words made up all of me. my whole personality defined by this one thing. they call it anxiety it takes away your sleep it tears down your dreams it makes you think everything is a bomb waiting to explode a disaster waiting to unfold. a live wire in my bones making its home in my soul. a part of me never apart from me i lost myself in anxiety’s causalities. the cure came in an orange bottle with a child safe lid at first the pills were white tiny little circles burrowing in the creases of my palm smooth down my throat healing that tasked like chalk. the pills are sunshine yellow now smiling up at me carrying the end of my disease.
recently I got a little older, learned a lesson or two, like how loving someone could never be as poetic as I wanted it to. like how nothing could ever be as poetic as I want it to. how can I accept that the miracle of love isn’t really a miracle at all? how can I wrap myself in someone’s arms when I know that there isn’t any sort of poetic loving involved. how do I unlearn the romantic thoughts that taught me about the fireworks, the butterflies, and the fluttering fingers in the dark. and accept that maybe kissing won’t be as spiritual as I thought. maybe it’s really just a mouth on mine. how do I unlearn my innocent heart who lulled me into a false sense of hope for a lover who would call the way my body moves art. a lover who would feel the poetry in every word I spoke in the dark.
and at that moment I knew: I would chase God to the end of the earth, peering into every stranger’s soul looking for a piece of worship.
I would chase grace to the edge of the world searching for a bit to steal and a wound to heal.
I would chase peace to the edge of the world letting the wind ******* into a new place to find myself.
I would chase love to the edge of the the world. or maybe, I wouldn’t. because before I found the end of the world I found that slow piano songs and holding someone’s hand don’t repair my broken heart like I thought they would.
I will chase God to the edge of the earth until I’m no longer afraid of an unfamiliar place and the lack of a hand to hold.
i want to leave this town so bad but my deepest desire is also my worst nightmare