feminist

Cut your hair Samson,
beautiful locks.

Wear shirts and chinos,
no matter the costs.

Stereotype my essence,
and call me a man.

Say what you want to,
but not what you can’t.

Pretend I despise you,
when I respect what you say.

I’ll pretend I respect you,
when it doesn’t make sense.

I see you as equal
whilst you condemn me as evil,

or you overlook others,
that I hold close as brothers.

The funny things is,
you’re just as bad,
lad.

Trying to blame other people,
for the substance you lack.

You’re the worst contradiction,
of my opposite form.

Without the ***** of women,
and the allure of the man,

we couldn’t exist,
we go hand in hand.

I only became alive inside your minds eye,
caught between the landmines as we **** tried,
to break through the new unto the other side,
but under the seas I could only see the sapphire,
golden blue we knew the landslides didn’t land fine,
and punchlines soon turned into black eyes,
that blew up on the spot as we stand tired,
The lies told the truth until it transpired,
I never knew I could be burnt until I held fire.

You were the first tomb I ever knew.

Sweet sixteen,

All tangled up in you.
You carried me like a chariot,
I know now how hard it was,
to bring me up on your own,

Seventeen,

child teething and broken evenings when you could of been day dreaming or on the scene - if it wasn't for your love for me.
Implicitly so pretty,

Eighteen years old as I crawled and drew on the walls with lipstick red,
and painted the toenails of my father - with you, only for you.
There was plenty of places we had lived
in ice cream castles together
and you were only twenty three,
when I was seven.
So many lessons learnt and fingers burnt as I grew up in a fairytale together on fairywell road.
Me and you together, only for you.
Then you got married and I was your baggage but you carried me so strong but I developed bad habits,
by the time you were my age now.

At twenty nine,
I was a teenager.
How did you do what you did for me,
I'll never know.
I just know I couldn't do the same and you maintained your allure, class and dignity and nature of the finest kind,
Only for you, my queen without a crown.
And now you may be forty six and I live miles away,
I'm 29 and been awake for days
I still miss you each day,
And you gave me a new family,
A brother and sister and a role model too,
It was only for me and it was only for you.
Now I hope you're proud and I'm never surprised when you forgive my sins through my puppy dog eyes.

Only for you. Only for you X

I can still hear the echoes in the playground.
Round and round we go.
Kickstone and grass stained clothes,
The lampposts sundials, calls us home.

We could stay out until the sun goes down,
And even later if allowed,
Look at you now.
A shadow in the distance,

The big city called your name and you answered that call of fame,
Before you recognised the mistake you made.
What a fateful day that was,

My fragment of a friend

Carpet burns,
Multicoloured neck in a beautiful bruise,
Red raw knees,
My beautiful muse.
Caught up in your eyes,
The war is over.
Not about the price oil anymore,
Just baby oil all over your body and floor,
As we slip inside the eyes of our minds,
Sweat drips in couplets.
Shower time,
Your body sublime,
entwined in the fuckeries,
You been ducking me lately,
And I seen you in day dreams,
****.

‘On the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month,

‘when the guns fell silent we will remember’*


When those visions from past missions played with intuition,

We just forgot about them!

When that PTSS kicked in and they started acting different.

We forgot about them!

When they came back home, got evicted from there homes and froze on the streets.

We forgot about them.

When they died alone, with not a comrade in sight, or a well wisher in miles.

We forgot about them.

When we pray for those who have died, but ignore those who are still alive.

We must of forgot about them

Relaxing days,
lost in clouds of haze,
from a friendly face,
Reunited mates,
in a different time
and a different place.

A change in scenery,
lost in the greenery,
sometimes it’s too easy,
to forget about how much,
some people mean to me.

Timely reminders,
plans twist through hands
and in grinders,
the distance divides us,
Yet were never not far,
from our friends.

I loved you before the alcohol,
Hourglass to the soul,
hour pass,
days maybe...
in between the formulation of golden nuggets in the mountains silver sands.
You held my hand and through velvet touch,
Electricity meander through my arms,
before the storm calm,
the start of a heart attack -
then the pack of house of cards collapsed.
In a deserts smile,
you flatlined through our favourite past times.
The pastures rich with buttercups
and dandelions like the last time.
When we walked over the train tracks harvest.
Last summer and last spring.
Somethings are everlasting,
and some pass like storm clouds without one droplet of rain,
in casting,
our love grew like tulips,
Yellow, red and blue,
bruises,
but soon come the rain,
our muses loses,
&
rendered useles;
I went away and
It's too soon to explain myself,
For that.
Back,
with cap in hand.
Lost in hearts melted by false starts,
and feathered cap,
Falsetto moods
sharp stilettos,
slap back.
I couldn't let go when the sun came through,
and a calming parting of the clouds where the rain came blue.
I thought I could live without you,
but I bottled it,
again.
Now I've nothing left to give,
but my gift to you.
sinking, sleeping in the land dunes
trying to understand you.

i love watching a fellow poet grow in stature.
seeing them progress and reach dizzy heights.
you guys inspire me daily and raise my game.

Thank you all x

Have a great day - thanks for all your support and poetry this year all the vest.

Nathan x

i feel your heat broke,
held back tears choked,
body mould vegetable like an artichoke,
rope burns, red raw, fingerprints imprinted
like an etch a sketch around the throat.
Hoping for forgiveness.
All you got to give is ambivalence to a kaleidoscope,
a spectrum of a sliding scope,
outpost, hides in a gliding cloak.
Invisible to the individuals
that provide the hope,
the inevitable return of the great white dope.

So,
Those fragments of the heart,
are an art piece.
Raw and uncut,
you came unstuck in your cuticles.
Nailing your beautiful mistake,
To a cross shaped like shoulder blades
holding up those younger days,
shades of the shadows past.

Like a puzzle,
someone will find your corners,
and pieces in between,
when it seems all is gone,
the heartbeats faintly.

Not all is lost.
quaintly.
the beep is constant
and,
your heart spoke in rhythm to the promised land.

She couldn't get any closer to the fire if she fried...

i could of been a million things,
but i'm one of those million.
A billion manipulations,
hundreds of thousands of conversations,
and a trillion situations,
but i'm now just the combination,
of the placements of those subtle decisions.

the result is this.
an accumulation of bad decisions,
and fear.

conditioned to do what maintains my survival,
rather than whats vital to experience.
i'm nowhere near the person i could of been.

or should of been.

but it's too late now,
to change my stubborn ways.
a scared diplomatic reasonable boring *******.

that can't ride the rollercoaster.
that can't sky dive.
that can't leave the country.
that can't commit suicide.

pragmatic and content.
the worst combination.

i can't break the mould of my equation.
too sensible.
not scared,
just placid.

emotionless.

dead inside,

money means nothing,
success is nothing,
doing nothing is nothing,
but its easier as it has the same result.

i used to feel something,

but i don't know when that was.

maybe it was me.
maybe it was the ****.
maybe it was the world.
maybe it was the girls.

either way,
now,
nothing is my only friend.

and I've tried to feel -
but its not worked for nearly ten years.

i'm not sure i'll ever feel anything again,
but i'll pretend things matter, so i can fit in.

I was asked am i excited to go on holiday,
i said yes,
but i wasn't.
nothing changed.
nothing ever has.

I've seen so many things in the past few years.
neil young.
rolling stones.
bob dylan.
radiohead.
foo fighters.

i stayed in jim morons  motel room.

i felt nothing.

literally nothing.

i've succeeded more than ever before -

i won a £1500 last night.

Nothing.

It's my only friend and only emotion and none understands why i can't feel anything.
I dont understand it either.

I would do anything to feel terrible,
or anything,
pain,
love,
hope,
happy,
sad,
anything.

my feelings are frozen in stone.

I can't even care - it doesn't even bother me.

I'm just aware of it.

Nothing is my everything now.

her lies taste like sweet nectarine,
those discreet kisses on my neckerchief,
make up on the pillows,
tears inside the handkerchief,
folded over and over to compress our fears into make believe,
in origami,
the patterns left,
embedded in my chest,
alieness to something,
but so close to where you used to be.

I can't find myself in the usual hiding places

one last prose
for the road,
shrouded
with
Rosebush regrets,
compunction and shame,
of
anguish and pain,
knowing things can never,
quite
be the same as they were,
yesterday.
In prickly heat,
sweaty, sweet, benediction.
My demuric affliction,
masks and veils addiction.
Stifled in harbours
of
resentments first tooth.

Who knew,
the crow flew in a
beeline.
Stinging' it’s way amongst the vagaries.
The geodesic distance,
hides in the light,
but
the road,
      bends,
  and
     throws those
curveballs
       I swerved,
around them all,
as,
I’m not ready to fall for you;
petal.
With my foot on the metal,
I took the road for granted.
Granted,
I should of known better than a
kiss from a rose.

Hindsight blues,
I'm tangled up in you but you can't see through the overgrowth -
Thick bristles and whistle blowers,
Tell me your perception of me.

Let's laugh together at the discrepancies,
Don't expect more from me,
You know me better than that,
aristocratic nature, I hate where you come from,
That comfortable turf.

I can't be myself in your world,

Solipsism - listen we can only shine on reflection vision and that takes more than you or I alone.

Still tripping,

Tangled up in you.

She takes my breath away,
effortlessly.
She reads my mind like telepathy,
I forget my lines.
Stage fright.
Held dearly in her own mind,
profound and wicked insight.

I was a deer in the headlights,
blinded by this one of kind.
She said,
don’t worry it’s fine.
And now i don't mind,
just my business,
 and my existence is clear.

She steered me through choppy seas,
laid down her policies with honesty
and showed me how to live properly.
guided me through dark times,
stuck to my side like a shadow,
told me i was deep even though I was shallow.

Still my pal now though,
and best friend too,
now i’m investing my nest egg with the best egg
and making omelettes out of our scrambled heads.

You
Cannot
Take
Away
The
Rights
Of
Those
Who
Have
Nothing
Left

Icicle heart

I can't tell if it's cold outside
Or
I'm froze inside.
Icicle heart,
melts to raise the sea levels,
Then we drown in tears,
defeated by fears,
we see Devils,
The water is clear,
but crimson cold.
Your
cool calm and collected,
so level headed,
After all this years,
It's the apathy you feel
that makes fools of us.
Now there's swimming pools of regrets,
when
Icicles melt.
A cologne of shame,
pungent in the air,
carried by breath,
to pollenate the common class,
this
Icicle heart,
can never last
at least without
changing state
as
the landscape moves like a bad mood,
but the worst has passed,
and we backtrack.

Scrap that,

Take me back to the start,
Dinosaurs,
reptilian nature,
evolutions mistake,
Are you down for me and
My icicle heart,
melts into the stream,
and down the river it seems
an estuary divides us,
as we reach the sea,
impeach beliefs,
and the buoyant
keeps
my
icicle heart,
afloat,

I hope you feel me.

and
however it may seem,
you were nothing less
than a  dream,
nothing more than a
drop in the ocean to me,
and
my
cold cold icicle heart.

normality isn’t the same as the chaos we evade.
The truth is, normality alludes us,
we are formed beyond our minds declination.
Somebody stole my freedom,
using outside of the box thinking,
in your mind and mind.
And I was minding my business,
just trying to take my own sweet time, again.
and deja vu came through the window, again.
the repetition of the rain
cool calm and collected,
the pain subsides,
when i lived in my hiding place
and the raindrops made the gutters flow.

obviously,
yet never expected;
is it you? is it true?
the juxtaposition of you.
but they stole our souls before they attacked the weakened body.
We didn’t hear them coming through the car crash TV;
Are you and I the zombies?
Is your mind in control,
do you mind if they take control,
or do you not mind at all?
When the mask falls the I hide behind isn’t alien in dreams.
not who i saw in the soul.
is it true, deja vu.
so benign in idyllic lies,
a million miles away.
tribes hide behind nothing but a little something to be unique,
maybe a little something else
to be discreet.

But other than that,
food and air,
and company.
there’s not much else we need.
Make up?
Make up your mind -
who decided who you needed to be
it certainly wasn’t you.
Lost in the illusion of choice,
like deja vu,
like Descartes knew,
in collusion with the muse of normality,
by what is true to you,
not actually the truth.
it’s the perfect ephiany in alliance with deja vu.
but what came first ?
my mind, or yours,
through closed doors of inspection;
deception - they let them tell them.
inception - they let them tell them
And I know this fact to be true,
because I’ve seen you in dreams before
and I couldn’t believe my eyes;
or change my view.
I couldn’t believe it was you,
deja vu,
deja vu.

in between my insecurities

I can’t be found sometimes,
dumbfounded by my surroundings.
hiding,
in between my
insecurities.

i’ve been captured in the moment,
scared to say another word,
caught ,
in between my
insecurities

I got lost within the essence,
talking nonsensical thoughts,
lying inside,
in between my
insecurities.

I learnt my lesson swiftly,
teenage years, lunchbox idioms ,
sandwiched,
in between my
insecurities.

incandescent

Only in yellow flames,
was the outline of your body revealed,
In ethereal guise,
Chalk outlines and white lines defined my kaleidoscopic mind state,
at that peculiar time.
We should of seen the signs,
but the stars aligned,
and your nature, nefarious,
exposed the worst of both of us,
combined.
Sometimes aurora came before sleep,
and I was weak at the knees,
the calmest breeze whistled woodwind notes amongst the trees.
So sure, demure,
You asked me what I was waiting for?
And I reacted chemically,
in luminescence.
I asked you if you learnt your lesson?
It was evident that I was just your favourite daydream.
So I stayed in limerence;
exposed like windless nights to the star skies.  
Infatuated by nothing more than candle light.
I knew I was wrong,
You knew you were right.
I knew you were wrong,
You knew I was right.

I can see you in your teens in my minds eye
the song sung blue until the nights sky,
emerges through cloud curtains,
closed,
exposed,
yet
we still try and hide,
as
umbrellas shade our lifestyles,
but
we still get dripped upon,
honey drip,
you slipped from my thoughts,
but were caught in the cobwebs spun in the web of deceit,
beneath.
So sweet, sticky, hippy wild child, pretty lady,
evaded me,
daily.
I can’t get enough of you lately,
I see you in daydreams
as you make yours come true.

I’m right at home waiting on you.

In the full blossom of the evening

The whisper in the breeze and the dialect of a windswept cluster of leaves.
A thousand shades of green, yellow, amber, orange and brown,
As far as the eye can see.
The crunching sound, surrounded by the colour blossom as we navigate our feet taking steps amongst the littered ground.
As one slips, we laugh through muffled wooly gloves,
The bare faced cheek of it all,
Bashful in more ways than one.
Encompassed by the ****** of the sycamore tree.
Reveal yourself through the crooked branches,
We'll grow back before long,
And until then then - in the full blossom of the evening,
We'll act as if nothing's wrong.

Sell them down the river.
Meandering amongst the ripples caused by skimming stones.
An abrupt change of tone,
will we ever make it home alive?

One time we drowned in the shallow waters,
a breath of fresh air so far away.
Lungs splattered on the banks of ox bow lakes.

I'm not fake I love you until the estuary.
Stand next to me as the water passes through our toes.

The splash is singing to me in dreams of melodies made by those tiny waves.
Wave goodbye to drought,
the storm is coming,
in an abundance of rapid music,
don't lose my grip,
don't slip into those surrounding currents.

My heart sank as the silence spoke,
and floated back to it's rightful motion.
We never bent nor broke.

I Ran

She had this hedonistic Houdini nature,
She escaped from Shiraz,
Her personal Alcatraz,
She laughed as I asked;
How did you escape?

"I Ran" she said "I Ran"

She was particularly Persian,
Beautiful soul,
Perfect prose,
stunning, gorgeous,
My dreams came true,
As we ran the gauntlet between our acquaintances judgemental glare.

She walked through the door,
With shallow breath and a panting chest;
Windswept hair.
Late.

How did you get here I asked?

"I Ran"

She came so far,
To say I was her King.
Her shy Shah,
She said.
The concept of this,
Flew over my head,

As I asked where she was from,
she paused for a second

&

told me she came from Iran.

there was a time i was,
someone.

i used to feel the cold.
I've not turned the boiler on in 4 years.

i used to dress in clothes,
and care what they look like.

i've not cut my hair in nearly 10 years.

i've not been to the doctor in over ten years.
the dentist in 12.

i've not read a book in nearly 14 years.
i read over a thousand before i was 16.

i used to listen to people.
now i couldn't care less.

i used to exercise and care about my appearance,
now i walk around naked and don't get dressed.

I used to leave the house.
i still do,
but i long for home.

i used to respond to my texts,
now i've changed my number.

i used to have friends,
now i hate them.

they still try,
but when they look me in the eyes -

they know i'm not who i used to be.

i used to be scared to die,
now i'm only too scared to **** myself.

i used to think i had talents and qualities,
now my only issue is that i'm too much of coward to end my life.

i'm suicidal,
but too pathetic to do anything about it.

So i just exist in nothingness.
Understanding life and understanding myself,
but i can't find reason,
or purpose,

and i don't even care.

i used to be a human being.

now i'm just a black hole where a soul used to be.

I used to climb Trees

Out in broad daylight,
where we used to ride bikes,
My home time was defined by streetlights,
fistfights and first times.  

I used to play kick stone.
outside on the roads of my home. 
Scared of the dark when I was home alone. 
A sombre tone in those days. 

My cul-de-sac was a continent,
you couldn’t count the times 
we jumped hedges and jumped the brooks,
wider berths as we grew and beamed with confidence.

He grew up on the other side of the brook to me!

Exploration into dilapidated buildings,
to seek out lost felines for the £10 reward. 
One guy got stung by a bee nine times, 
he lived to tell the tale of course.

Thinking back sometimes, 
It was us who had nine lives,
playing on the tramlines and and swimming in high tides.
colliding with live wires and life lessons,

We built sandcastles and burnt them down,
in spaces of seconds.
Lost in imagination.
I stayed in the sea until my fingers wrinkled, 
but this happened more often in the bath if i’m honest.

It seemed so simple, 
within the borders of our town, in those days.
The good old days,
or so they say - 
but i don’t disagree with the sentiment of it all, if i’m honest. 

It’s a ghost town now,
Treehouse's and broken fences,
Sweet shops and trips to the dentist.
A playground apprentice,
like Dennis the menace,

Ernie and Bertie,
maybe.

The bell rang more times than I care to remember.

It symbolised the beginning of the next class rather than the end.
To some at least, i’m not quite sure precisely who.
But it always started in September. 

Those were the days, 
Kiss chase and roller skates 
missed chances and romances.
First dances and your first falls.

The sycamore tree got smaller,
but remains the exact same size.
The boys got a little bit taller,
some of us guys even became wise.

Life is full of surprises. 

We flew apart. 
The sun went down and we grew up.

And now I don't climb Trees anymore.

juicy,

the truth is i’m weak diluted,
a student of a beautiful movement.
The devils advocate counting my blessings on a abacus.
You can count on me,
when things aren’t adding up.

With the midas touch,
everything I touched turns to closed.
A salesman in his heyday,
a maverick i’m told.
You can lean on me,
in rough times when the terrain is callous,
bold and strong inclined slant slides like font akin italics.

A jewel crest chalice and palace.
Redundant when alone and thirsty.
Touching thirty,
but goals and dreams still out of reach,
a whisper of wind still capable of causing a whirlwind.
You can use me as an example,
when you burn the candle at both ends,
blame me if it’s ample to repent you of those sins.

That tin man courage,
in abundance to your fears.
Even after all these years,
I question the validity of your tears.
But you can call on me,
when all you reach is the bleak reality of the answering tone,
To pick you up once again from the other side of the phone.


.
.
.
.
.
.








Please leave a message,
because nobodies home.

I’m not sure which way to go no more,
these roads all look the same,
those mistakes made on those past paths,
have come to haunt my thoughts again.

I keep on through the dark side,
the sun will rise again,
it’s nothing new, just deja vu,
and the memory remains.

i’ve made my peace with landscapes,
that cut and broke my skin,
i’ve thought inside the mangroves,
to discover what’s within.

Now since those times are changing,
the days just aren’t the same,
the hours take their toll on me,
burns holes into my brain.

Take me back to restless,
show me where we tame,
those moments ran beyond us,
but our destiny won’t change.

The heart works for the hard work,
beating constantly as targets are acquired.
Shots fired, money wired and payments aplenty.
Contacts signed, terms and conditions defined,
it could take time, but the ***** rolling.
Touch base as we reach for the stars,
customers in charge, their business is ours.
We roll monthly, comfortably in our own domains,
renew them annually again as the pattern remains the same.
Some days, it's a struggle to get out of the pit,
feeling burnout, lack energy for my daily workout.
The wage ain't great but the dividends could add up to millions.
Some are cynical but I won't listen to those opinions.
I treat my staff as people not minions.
No need for incidents were a team of individuals.
Passionate and driven creatures,
hidden features and secret keepers.
Let's get money and lets get paid,
Theres a million ways we can earn more than the minimum wage.
Let's raise the bar, the city is ours and the worlds not too far away...

Dream tomorrow and live today.

Once upon a time
You opened my mind
With ****** inter course.
Now your so deep into your flaws,
Your closed.
For refurbishment,
You heard my thoughts.
I miss you.
These issues are beyond the metaphors
Of what's mine and yours.
Behind closed doors,
I think of you
When you dismiss me so easily,
Whilst I think about how it used to be.
Buts that's a memory
And reality is mystery.
I don't know why you don't want me anymore.

I stay true.
I'll always stay true.

And hopefully,
We can be what we used to,
Someday,
Sometimes
One day.

I held my breath and died

Lisbon you look beautiful to me.

Miles high -
the first time I seen your city pretty.

Beneath my feet capture me when I land on you for the first time through turbulence and gin soaked T shirt.

Seeping through to my skin.

The deep sea spoke to the infrastructure,
we landed in harmony with a disruptive aftermath.

The stony paths lead back to those off beat tracks,
as we bask in the heat of the sun.

little girl blue,

They reminisce over you,
In the cosmic blues,
A star before the fire sparked,
consistent front page news.

A heart of golden rock and roll,
Nothing stopping you.
The pain inside took its toil,
the grain in your voice and tortured soul,
stole us all from you.

It was time that took your life,
In the the time of your life
You wanted to be loved so much,
but not enough to change your mind.

Now you are a shooting star,
that burnt out years before,
Captured in the music left,
that all of us adore.

The lizard king came alive in the walls of prophets,
A shrine to help follow the subjects of the topic.
I lost my mind, but found it inside the tombs of those left behind.

I left a part of my soul on La Ciegna Boulevard.
The looking glass had the last laugh,
Some smiled.
The sun dials told the time accurately.

The shadows followed me from one side of the city to the other.
All the way to the coast of the continent.
It was here I found the confidence that was lost in the dominance of you.

We broke on through to the other side,
but it was too soon,
and the other side was the same like butterflies.

Cocooned in symmetrical thoughts of the stars in your eyes.
It’s no surprise we both knew it all at that moment.
Our toes exposed naked in the sand and lost in emotion.

I realised I couldn't make change,
So I stopped trying to make it,
Now I walk past outstretched hands,
Born to make mistakes.

To take the time to discover the world before we lived in today,
That exists before us,
There so much more,
But have those ancestors ever mattered less.
The history lesson
Feels like detention,
People careless now than they ever did before

And that's no metaphor,
For peace or freedom,
Emancipated in the dawn of mind
But will my generation make more change than the one before.

We heard Cassius clay,
Make that change - from his slave name to rounding an army -
Followers Muhammad Ali.

We heard Malcolm X,
Make that change,
People looking at him strange when he took aim at the oppressors.

We heard Marcus Garvey,
Make that change,
Force thoughts through a better day,
To escape that pain.

We all heard Snowden,
Make that change,
Expose the corrupt,
But he's the one they want to put it in to chains.

We heard Bob Marley,
Trying making that change,
Emancipate from mental slavery,
Of the mistakes our ancestors made.

Now it's time for you and I,
To make that change,
Follow in the footsteps that were left to guide the way.

One script a day keeps the evil away