Two years and counting,
I know it’ll never be the same,
I can’t bring myself to answer your calls, far less for saying your name.
The incident remains unresolved,
In a little box buried somewhere in the abyss of my mind
Like some sort of twisted memory, one that I have resolved to hide.
The thing is, I was never angry at you,
Never cursed you to the depths of your personal hell,
Never so disgusted at the words you spat at me,
I shall cast no blame for me retreating into my shell.
Because it still hurts when I think about it,
When I think about how you thought I didn't care,
When you accused me of not loving you,
When you blamed me for not being there.
And it ***** how it felt like I was forbidden to laugh,
To smile during one of the most exciting times in my life,
Did you know I pushed everything aside for you?
Just to walk with you during your time of strife?
It breaks my heart to know it wasn't enough,
A pain I may actually take to my grave,
My failure to help you may never leave me
And for that I may never be the same.
I still feel guilty, for actions unbeknownst to me.
But I had bitten off more than I can chew,
Couldn't you see, even in my silence?
I was always there, and I would make sacrifices for you?
And I can’t seem to get any reassurance,
From others who tell me that you are wrong
I just keep thinking that I failed you,
Yes, even after so long.
My fault was probably letting you become overly dependent,
And like a fool I was unable to see:
Taking on your battles with such fervor and determination
Exposed my greatest vulnerability.
So I’m here with a festering wound
While you seem to be doing alright,
But believe me when I say, I’m truly happy that you’re doing okay
I’m glad that you've found the light.
Though you apologized on numerous occasions,
So eager to make us right.
I can’t go back there,
I can’t give you back this knife.
Because right now, though I’m happy,
I’ll always be a little sad,
I’ll always worry if I’m making the same mistake,
And second-guessing myself is driving me mad.
You make me want to try a little bit harder,
But give everything up at the same time.
It’s like I can’t find my bearings anymore,
Too long have I imprisoned myself for this supposed crime.
So you see, in the end
My silence was never about you.
It was an attempt to fix myself,
It was an attempt to figure out what I must do.
To find some way to release this guilt,
Just as I have released you,
For both our benefits, to find some way to forgive myself,
Just as I have forgiven you.
I can’t go back to being ‘normal’
Because this is something I’m unlikely to ever forget.
But don’t feel like my actions are writhed in anger
Don’t feel like every memory is tainted with regret.
We can’t meet now, perhaps sometime in the future we will,
But I feel this is for the best,
I have to learn from this experience, I have to move on
And accept the fact that I've put this relationship to rest.
I pray for your continued contentment,
And always the best of health.
But now it’s time I take care of me,
And hope that I can somehow restore my strength.
For all the good times gone before and all the lessons learnt,
I thank you with all my heart, but now I’m ready to go.
I know I’ll find freedom, however long it takes,
Somewhere along this road.
Until then,
Sincerely,
*Me.