I should have held on to you longer in those fleeting moments.
Not pushing you away because of the fear I felt in my heart.
When I kissed you it should have been slower.
Deeper with each breath so that I could hold on to the electric feeling that surges between us when we have the slightest touch.
I should stop and chat with you longer when you probe into how I am doing when you see me.
You still know when I am putting on a front to the world with fancy hair and made up face.
You see it in my eyes and that is something that can't be hidden from those who have held your heart in their hands gently.
Closing up the wounds with soothing word bandages and healing love stitches.
I shouldn't tell you no when you say you want to see me or just need someone to talk to in the middle of the night.
I don't sleep after I tell you no because my mind wanders to the what ifs.
I should look you in the eye and memorize the planes of that face that lights up the darkness in my soul with each smirk and smile.

Next time we have a moment I will take all the advantages that I can.
If it be conversation, I will hold on to every word you say as if they were the oxygen needed to breathe.  
If it be touch, I will let that touch linger past socially accepted confines.
If it be kiss, I will taste that kiss as if it were the best thing I had ever eaten in my life.
And if it be rekindled love, I will hold out my heart to you willingly, taking and giving much more than I did before.
I will continue to be more accepting to your advances and not confuse you with my nerves.

He makes me feel beautiful. Not Vogue beautiful that can be washed away with soap and water. No, he makes me feel Botticelli angel beautiful. Venus de Milo. Starry Night... He makes me feel like art in his private gallery. He looks at me with all the wonder and amazement children have before the world turns them cold. I am a fairy tale and all his wishes come true. A fine wine to be savored; taking in all my subtle notes with each sip his eyes take of me...

Change is necessary.
Right?

Change is a good thing?
Right?

Change is
Scary and confusing.

Change scares the hell out of me.
Change leaves me in a state of frustration.

Change can heal the soul and tear it apart.
Leaving little pieces scattered about.

But I must think of little caterpillars that turn into beautiful butterflies.

Change is necessary.

I've read that when you meet your true soulmate
There will be no butterflies.
No nerves,
No deep, burning blush.
But a simple
CLICK.

Some say that click is the soul recognizing its mate.
I finally had my "click" moment.

There were no nauseating nerves.
No butterflies bashing around bewildered in my gut.

The longer we talked,
The deeper the conversation,
The more relaxed I became.

Then there was another click.
The collected realization of events and heartache
That led me to this person.

How if one thing had changed-- Butterfly effect--
I would never have met my twin soul.

So I choose from here forward
To accept all that life brings onto my path.
It's leading me directly were I'm supposed to be.

The world sent out a cry for help, but it fell upon the deafened and distracted ears of her leaders.

And just like that she could hold back no longer. A thousand tears rushed out before a single word was said.

Look at my collection of music if you want to judge me. You'll get a better understanding than me telling you a million and one stories.

What's life without music? It's like chocolate; it goes with everything.

Tumbling, tumbling
            She f
                 a
               l
              l
             s
Down,
            down,
                       down.

It seems she's always gazing up from her place in the ground.

She is Alice in a cycle of bad.
Splintered Alice, no Carroll in sight.
All mad, no mathematics.

Wake up little Alice!
                   !
                   !
                  !
                 !
               P
Wake U

Stop eating those Underland treats.
Don't drink any more of the tum tum tree juice...
It only releases the predator in you.

Dear girl,
Don't you see?
All the wonder you need
Lies deep down within.

Curiouser and curiouser
That you don't know the magic and POWER
You had from conception.

So Alice, if you would please
Stop chasing white rabbits,
Stepping through mirrors
Searching for a world of your own.

Create your world in the here and now.
                                   !
                                p
                             u
S    a     e  things
   h    k

The fireworks she truly wanted to see were the ones that went off every time they were together.

My heart is too soft for this world.
It breaks easily like eggs dropped from buildings in the name of science.
Good people go through extreme loss,
while bad people always seem to win.
The kind will be rewarded in the next life they say.
What if there is no next life?
Why must those who bleed for everyone around them wait to get the things they very much deserve?
How can there be innocents being taken out by the wars of man?
Why?
Why?
Why!?

I guess I shall see if there is a next life at my time.
Until then I will continue to mend my heart one stitch and bandage at a time.

Pick up your Paper Mate and write until the hurt goes away, little fighter. Look at all you've overcome and how much more you have to defeat...
The pain only lasts a little while; and you will be left with only scars as a reminder.
Most will be invisible, but those make you the strongest.

I shall fill the hole you left in my heart with books.
That way it can know what a happily ever after can be.

Today I found myself crying.
Fed up with all my everythings of the day.
But when I finally caught my breath,
I looked up from my safe place on the floor
And I saw your baby face smiling down at me.
My child, you are like a double shot of B12.
You boost my spirits and shine a light on my soul.
Dear daughter, my tears dried up and I could see clearly.
I am reminded why I work so hard when I look at you.
Your love is my fuel.

My everything. My reason. My light. My life.

Does it even matter?
I saw this coming.
All things too good to be true usually are.
I set myself free and then they came along like a comet streaking across the skys of my world.
Age matters. Situations matter. I'm not ready again.
I think alone is where I shall live for the rest of my life.
And at this point, that is okay.
Bigger and better things are ahead, and there is no room for another person I have to think about.
I am still happy and free.
Just how I wanted to be all along.

I want to smell the best flowers. I want to wear the most creative ink. I want to dance in the rain and feel the sunlight on my feet. I want to create beauty with my soul essence. I want to live a life so free...

One word.
One simple four letter word.
It simply throws me off.
It is everywhere.
But if I had to go without
That word
I would surely be lost.

That word is light and darkness.
Simultaneous joy and sadness.

I said to myself that it's over.
I forced that belief into my heart.
I looked at your face the other day and knew this doesn't feel entirely true.
What could be holding this chapter open still?
You have a house, a wifey/sugar mama, and you act as a father to her two kids.
Yet here you are when you need something serious.
My mind is 98% certain it's over.
My heart about 75%.
But my **** soul still wants to keep it's hold on what was.
I try to tell it that it's over, but no it won't let you go.

She loved the feeling when a tattoo needle pierced her skin. The physical pain was nothing compared to the mental anguish swirling in her soul. Strangely enough, being stabbed hundreds of times was the most relaxed she ever felt in her life.

The moment she realized she had taken back her happiness was one of the greatest moments of her life. The light shined in and her soul, heart, and mind melded together rejoicing in the fact that they were finally on the same page.

Put my red lipstick and boots on, I was ready to party until dawn.
Had a good time on a Saturday night.

Had my best lady there and flowers in my hair.
Had a good time on a Saturday night.

Danced like a fool 'cuz tequila is fuel.
Had a good time on a Saturday night.

The caged bird was freed, like a well watered seed.
Had a good time on a Saturday night.

Drank, sang, danced, and played.
Had a good time on a Saturday night.

There was MM.
He awoke the waiting ****** being that was hidden below Southern rules and tradition. With a touch and a release of pressure and tension he unleashed an alter like no other. But he treated me like his personal plaything, a discarded shirt, an afterthought. So I let him go.

There was OA.
He reignited the spark extinguished in the aftermath of MM. Gave me the beauty of motherhood that I was told I'd never have. But he proceeded to leave us for an easy life and for the sights and sounds of big city living. So I let him go.

There was CJ.
He made the apples of my cheeks burn underneath my caramel brown skin. Filled me with a love that I had read about in copious amounts of books. But then came his mother wielding her rumors and I lost most of my hair and had to be put back on the zombie meds. So I let him go.

There was AB.
He gave me time and my passion came back full force. He gave me breakfast in bed among crumpled sheets from nights spent devouring each other with pure, unabashed lust. But people came along with their lies and jealousy. So I let him go.

There IS CK.
He came in like a meteor, crashing into planet Me with such force it knocked me off my feet and into his whole being. Friendship came and solidified our bond. Age didn't matter and neither did any of the world's oppressing views. People came again. So we let each other go, but the bond remains.

As the mood stabilizer took hold of her, the screen slid into place slowing the flow of tears. The nagging sadness was in the same spot it always was. Sitting somewhere between her heart and her soul. Waiting for the time to stop being released so it can get back to business as usual.

Maybe that's the problem. I've read all the fairy tales, the poems, the books, and watched too many romantic movies to recognize what real love is when it comes calling.

Your name
It haunts me.
I can't escape it.
Even the word
That describes
My feelings
About you
Starts with

                       YOUR NAME.