1:50 AM, 29 Oct 2017

dunia kadang suka melucu
entahlah
aku sedang diambang bahagia
bisakah aku sebut diriku sedang bahagia?

ingin rasanya mengecup semesta
merangkul ufuk timur
dan memeluk ufuk barat
selagi memandang eloknya fajar yang berputar
lalu berucap sukur yang sebesar-besarnya

entahlah
semenjak keberadaanmu disisiku
aku
jadi selalu ingin berucap syukur
dengan tulus
dan mendalam

kulihat lagi langit malam
sekarang kuingin meresap kedalamnya
dan ingin berkata
kumohon jangan biarkan dia pergi
ternyata aku memang bahagia

"can we start over? can you love me like you used to?"
he looked at me and sighed, "I have never loved you."*

the fact that i have come to that point where
i just realized you never loved me;
made me want to curse so bad, am i the only one?

all the memories, weren't really memories (at least for you).
because you weren't you when you're with me.
so when we're apart, you did not remember a thing about me.

that part of you that knows me,
died along with the memories of us.
thats the end. thats the death of us.

− G (10/11/16).

kadang ada sesuatu yang tidak bisa kita sadari
kita terlalu larut dalam kesedihan yang sementara
tanpa tau
atau mau tau
apa arti dari kesedihan kita itu

kadang kita menyangka
bahwa yang paling membuat kita terluka saat itu
adalah yang "paling" dari yang pernah kita alami
walau lupa
atau berusaha lupa
bahwa pernah merasakan yang jauh lebih menyakitkan

love changes
love doesn't rub my cheeks gently like love used to
love doesn't hold my hand as tight as love used to
love doesn't smile a lot these days
love's eyes are full of uncertainty
love
doesn't share his thoughts anymore
love doesn't share his favorite songs
love doesn't joke freely like before

love is still love but
love doesn't miss me when i'm away
love used to text me with “I guess you're asleep, may tomorrow you be safe, let me know when you're awake, and goodnight!” when i fell asleep and forgot to text back
love doesn't notice me as much as love did a month ago

i'm not saying love is dead but
love doesn't say love like love did
love doesn't love like love did
love gets busier
love gets fader
love thought i was joking when i said “I give up”

love won't answer my texts
love won't pick up my calls

love now walks faster than me
love now speaks in a lower tone
love is now silent
love feels awkward seeing me
love now doesn't sound as excited
and as curious
love is now not as comfortable with my presence
is it normal for love?

or maybe love is dead?
love fell asleep one day and woke up not love
wrong love
maybe love has become somebody else's love
maybe love is still love but not for my love
maybe love is still love but love is tired
maybe love is still love but love is getting tired of my love

or maybe love is just dead.


love is now more brilliant
love stands tall in love's world
love is loved by so many loves
love forgets about love's love
love thrives
love grows
alone

satu hal yang aku pelajari,

tak semua yang kau sesal tak ucapkan akan berakhir indah saat kau benar ucapkan itu.

kadang kala, sesuatu memang seharusnya tak terucapkan. kadang lebih baik begitu.

— G, 13/07.

what goes around comes back around

aku percaya dengan adanya karma. semakin banyak hitungan niat baik yang kau sia-siakan maka akan semakin banyak pula pengorbanan sia-siamu kelak.

sepele? iya mungkin sangat. tetapi berapa banyak malam yang sudah aku lewatkan untuk merenungi kesepelean itu?

suatu saat akan ada waktu dimana kamu akan menyesali semua yang kau lakukan, karma itu akan datang dan kau bahkan tidak tau karma siapa yang sudah kamu terima.

suatu saat akan ada penyesalan, tetapi kamu tidak akan bisa berbuat apa-apa. iya, seperti yang sedang aku lakukan sekarang ini.

—G, 22/07.