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 Oct 2016 ji
 Oct 2016 ji
Night, I call you
the sanctuary of the lost
and the no-good,
like the hawk down
in my pillow case
full of forgotten dreams
that old hound time
tears apart like bones
tossed under the table,
so I pull on my new boots
and walk in the dark
with no place to go
but the road that leads
to the ferry by the river,
because unlike lost friends
and dead family, the cold
water will always take me in.
 May 2016 ji
 May 2016 ji
And so here we are
Page after page
Hearts on fire
Exposing parts unseen
Beneath harden surfaces
Wounds unclean
Broken still we dream
On and on we pen
And so we breathe again
 May 2016 ji
i don't know who i am; supposed to be -- if only you were to love me -- only when i am the perfect replication of your mind's child.

your sharp, unforgiving words do not reduce who i am,
though all the more i feel unloved.

instead, i have reduced myself to a four-year-old child hoping, wishing, pleading to be loved even a bit -- by you.

by what i thought were sincere hugs & kisses,
*good morning & goodnight.
 Apr 2016 ji
Bed sheets become red sheets,
Pillows becomes tear catchers,
No dream catchers here because only nightmares live,
Feasting on wakeful exhaustion.
Deflated bouncy castles for intestines,
White blood cells searching frantically in enclosed darkness.
Enemy invaders seeping into blood, bone and muscle
As the warriors remain trapped in sticky villi.
Drug dependency is a permanent solution
And overdosing is a consistent caregiver for sleep.
Nausea is a rebellious, suicidal last stand
To go down with the invaders as they're taken out.
A seven year war fought inside your body
With no visible battle lines drawn is lonely.
My skin is pockmarked, riddled with the craters of bombs
Fired from all sides with no mercy for the land.
Sometimes I can't help but wonder what'll **** me first:
The invaders or my body's own troops.
Probably the crappiest thing I've ever written, but it was written while I was exhausted, overdosing on medication and in agony, so it's pretty accurate in its insight.
 Apr 2016 ji
I have a story to tell, only I'm not allowed to tell it.
Society has gagged me and shoved me into a box
Where certain things are deemed inappropriate
Because they make such a fragile box break.
And if the mighty strength of the box breaks,
How can we ever survive? So riddle me this.
One day I met a stranger who gave me a drinking problem
That turned into a thinking problem, because suddenly
I couldn't think as to why I was drinking when I don't drink.
There was a fog that began to pour out of my uneasy mind
And laid itself heavy upon the ground around the stranger and I.
And then the stranger turned into a mere shadow on the wall.
Then it grew claws that crept along until they took the forms of two more shadows
That grew their own claws and tore smiles into their faces.
My head danced in the haze of the mist,
But I saw all three shadows jump out of the surface of the walls,
Like out of the screen of a television
And into a reality as the lights go out.
Then the claws dug into my wrists and burned my veins
While the jagged smiles tore into my flesh.
So then it didn't matter how much I was burning,
Because I was covered in so many happy little smiles.
Later, the shadows evaporated into the haze
That receded into my own brain, like it had never seeped out around me
And engulfed me. Inflamed me.
Even though my body was still smiling blood.
And that's the story of how someone is forced into silence,
Lest they relinquish their right to the word 'masculinity'.
 Mar 2016 ji
I heard the dog
In an alley, black
Dark and dank
He wore a jacket
He wore it well

The mobsterdog
Sent from hell
As he smiled his grin
Druil dripping
I started reminiscing

We'd had such great talks
Over the years
In a pub,
During a blackout
He was always there,
The rabid dog,
Always ready to share

We still speak
now and then
Only to back off again
We've had crazy times
We had our share of fun
That was before the misery had begun

But I won't walk his line
I can contain the lust
Cause I forsee
the grim, the repulsive
And the ghastly

Because the dog, you can't tame
The dog from hell
Only there to maim
While being your friend as well
And ****, he wore that jacket well
 Jan 2016 ji
drawn to drown
 Jan 2016 ji
inexplicably drawn to you
after drowning in your eyes
 Jan 2016 ji
Lauren Leal
I surrounded myself
in the walls
of her

and suffocated
Not necessarily bad, but when you can love someone so much you wrap yourself in it, and in a sense suffocate happily. Yet at the same time, it could hurt you in return.
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