11:32 pm July 4th

I love fireworks.
I feel like a kid on July 4th,
but someone in the crowd was wearing the same cologne you wore, and all of a sudden I could't look at the fireworks anymore.
Instead I was looking for you
wondering if we were looking at the same thing?
I started thinking about "what if's" and "i wish"

I wish I was under the fireworks with you.
What if I hadn't ****** it up?
Would I be under the fireworks with you?

I called you.
We haven't spoken in months, but I had to try
and I practiced what I was gonna say over and over on the way home, if by chance you picked up.

You're all I could think about- Again.

Even though I knew you wouldn't answer, I called.
I tried so hard to be independant.
I tried so hard to not need you.
I tried so hard to be okay without you.
I tried so unbelievably hard not to think about you when I'd rather be asleep
I was good at it for a few months.
I told myself I was okay because "I am my own"

I spent so much time running form that, being afraid to give in and belong to you
But now I know
Its become clear now that I always have and always will.
and I've lost you
you said we have no future together
I couldn't see where I was going anymore, I'd never pictured my future without you ever before, but apparently you had already decided there was no future to envision.

Keep me in your mind as the girl who was so afraid of your love that it destroyed her; forced her to re-create herself with new knowledge of what was hidden from her while she was in the dark.
if nothing at all.
Because I know now
and I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

Now every july 4th will mark the day I became a cliche
Because I realized too late how good I had it.

I love you

Some nights
I wake up at 4 am,
with the taste of smoke at the back of my throat

I swear to God,
you're still burning somewhere inside me.

You pick me up and kiss my open mouth in the middle of a "hello" and an apology for my hair
I kissed you back and forgot what I was even saying

small things

you ran ahead of me to open your car door
even after I get in you look at me for a moment before you close the door

you push me on swings even though you hate swings, I'll never really know why will I?

we got fast food and drove circles around the city we love
you took pictures of me in front of buildings
I took pictures of you eating

I feel most alive right then

We drive home and race the indigo sunrise
I like watching you drive
I wanna break the concentration in your eyes

I can't feel my face when I'm with you is playing- I turn it up to wake us both up
we sing at the top of our lungs to each other and even though you're tone deaf, I can't help but smile and cheer you on because you're the best singer I know.
The smallest things you do make me feel like everything is the way it's supposed to be
I'm supposed to be in this moment with you

I never feel more complete than when we become one
Vibrations turn to colors
Sounds melt into pillows
I'm finally able to be yours
I think I've entered a new realm of release, are you here with me too?

You drive me into sanity

You're that bad boy girls like me should stay away from
You like reading the bible
and you never head into the night without your gun
speeding down empty freeways
losing our minds
we have so much fun

You're unlike anyone
You say you like it when I kiss your tattoos
You say im the only one who will ever make you weak at the knees,
but why do you always leave me?
Do I make it too easy?

We're only so young
Why do I feel like I'm already in the rest of my life
You taught me loving you was never ever ever enough

I like the way streetlights shine through the red curtains on your french doors
I like that your mattresses are on the floor and your bedding is all white with a few blue minimally printed pillows
your dresser is decorated with traces of **** and dollar bills here and there
a coin jar that looked like a cookie jar
a childhood photo booth picture with your mom I've never seen before
the way the tv light reflects of our skin
that old velvet blue chair

blue, your favorite color

the tiny corner space the air conditioner is in with a window facing your backyard where the tire swing is
the mirror on the floor by your door, it looks just like the one my mom could never let go of as we moved house to house
2 tattered soccer ***** sitting at the corner of your bed,
I could listen to you talk about soccer forever and a day-  love they way your face lights up like a christmas tree.
clothes lying all over the chair
cuddling to "jungle"
i've only been in your new room once, and even though you haven't yet- I've settled in.

I missed it there at your house...
where we grew up...
everythings so different.
but I'm here now,
5 years and we still walk around your circle and talk about God and aliens
I remember the first time I came over, riding on the back of Martin's bike, rolling up in the middle of one of your football games
I remember I was wearing that blue aeropostale shirt you liked alot
I remember the way you looked at me, holding my hand infront of all our friends for the first time
and how it felt to be teased and mocked
how our relationship formed
how our traditions formed
we're here now and I still love you the same, more if its possible.
I didnt know this was possible.

There is a sweet music here that softer falls
than blown dandelion dust on blades of grass.
Music that gently on the spirit lies
softer than tired eyelids on tired eyes.

The things you said the night before last, felt like venom
echoing in my head
The way I talk to myself
The way I'd treated myself
The way I think of myself... I hated hearing it in your voice.
But it was all true.
so
You think this way of me too.

I am "running in circles,"
I am "depressed," I have been all my life. It is in fact "all I know..."
and yes, it is "scary."

Now we're "in this together. "

Something I never wanted.
I never wanted to scare you.
I wanted to be everything I know I am not for you

Are we good for each other?
Why is it so easy to be mean?

You said I made you feel this way before too.
"Plenty times before."
I couldn't describe how I felt, but you took the words from my mouth
I didn't even have to spell it out for you this time
Yes I was empty
and so I guess you were too

I wanted to die.
I never want to make you feel worthless or empty.
I still love you, even after you made me hate myself even more
a true testament
For a moment
you were a living breathing manifestation of my self-loathing
I guess that's why I feel comfortable
I felt so comfortable last night
when we were sitting on my bed with my legs wrapped around you
my head was on your chest

I wanted to cry

I love the way you make me feel worthless
why did each kiss feel like a goodbye
You're the only one who knows me

i crave touch
yet i flinch anytime anyone is close enough

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want.
And do I want?
I want to feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life.
I am horribly limited."

Sylvia Plath
(1932-1963)