Let me not to the marriage of Katie
Hellkvist and me admit impediments
e.g. her boyfriend it’s complicatey
a smug **** wannabe, irrelevant

to me no he is immaterial
I want you so bad I would roast you *****
you’re a special spirit ethereal
I gotta chubby thinking about it

thy cherry lips and smudged eye make-up like
that Goth guy in The Cure Nick Cave maybe
sturdy face infectious laugh raven eyen
like Whitney truth I Will Always Love thee

If this be false and upon me prov’d
I never Facebook stalked nor ever lov’d

thy career success smug solicitude I find it patronising thy salary I hate the way thou pay for me it's economic colonialism I need thee to but I don’t like what it makes me feel poor inferior. Thou art to blame. Thy generosity compassion thou art really sincere compassionate thou art generous thou aren’t fake the realdeal I dislike that. What good reason is there to hate thy handsome chiselled manlily stubbled all those things that women like apparently to hate thy smug boat race? Yet I want to smash thee in thine. Thy Hollywood teeth full hair thy unhalitosic breath medium height thy non-belly adequate stature large feet and probably large ***** how many ways is that? A lot isn’t it. I resent thy Prius why can’t thou show off like a **** instead of being all carbon neutral about it? Thy reasonably nice house and knowledge of Japanese restaurants in London and how to score many of the more popular drugs. I am jealous of thy ****** track-record I would tell thy partner if I could maybe sabotage thy relationship that way. I dislike thy pretty wife yea who hast borne thee two delightfuckingful childer nay I do not dislike her I hate thee. Because I am jealous and hope that thou die. But art disfigured first. Lose thy fortune and that I am enriched maybe I won a gameshow or designed a successful app so that I may patronise you. I hope that soon. I love thee thou knowest this thou does not know how much I hate thee too but now thou do. -est. Doest.

***** cherry fox fur **** ***** **** ****** ****** ***** ******* old man ***** manhood main vein Hampton Wick ***** **** box Berkshire Hunt front-bottom *** ***** **** meat veg lunchbox stick of rock German helmet Camden Lock hole wound Sir Anthony Blunt Channel Tunnel Back & Front horn truncheon grandfather clock hickory-dickory-dock **** slash erogenous zone phallus pecker putz big-bone Jack & Danny merkin slit truncheon ***** shaft plumtip ***** Edinburgh **** slit sausage winkle riot-stick face between her forks James Hunt Jeremy **** the Oxford punt pudenda ****** wild ****** ***** chubby wood meat-cleaver exhaust-pipe python turnip trouser-snake tool bonk-on ****

So this girl at this party
there was this girl
I end up going to a bar with this girl
by luck really
she was going that way anyway
it's not like I pulled
so we go in this bar in Dalston she starts telling me
last time she was here
she went home with the barman last time she was here
and he ***** her.
Jesus! What the ****!?
I asked if she wanted to go to another bar
she said no
if she wanted me to beat the guy up
break a glass in his face
something manly and big
she said she didn't and ordered drinks:
Espresso Martini for her
****** Mary for me.
Then there was this thing
she didn't have any money
's what she said
and I wasn't paying
as I'd already paid
for dinner
so she told the barman the drinks were on the house
as he'd recently ***** her
least I think that's what she said,
he agreed
turned the music up
started chatting to security.
Grace leaned against the bar
they were drunk she said
that time
when she went home with him that time
intending to have ***
so they got home
drunk
started doing it
but she was so drunk she passed out.
When she came round he was having *** with her
she told him to get off
he did
she got up and left.

By now Barman'd gone outside for a ****
so we finally we went to sit down
little table by the wall
I wanted to isolate her
get her alone
maybe slip my hand up somewhere somewhere dark and warm
but she ignored me
and instead shouted across the room
“So how was it?” to the barman
who'd come back in
young guy with hair slim
“What was it like?”
“Not that great”
he replied
head down
keen to defray
accusations of ****
no doubt
a discretionary sentence of six to eight years
so Barman erred on the side of mistake
the *****
the drugs
it was one of those things.

Closing-time
it was time to leave
I would've liked to go home with Grace
but she wasn't into that
I could take the bus with her though
towards Stokey
along Dalston Kingsland Road
drop her off
but the bus wouldn't come
I said “We can share a cab if you like”
but Grace wasn't listening
she was walking across the road to talk to Barman
who was unlocking his bike,
she'd rather talk to her ******
than this timorous anti-man
who couldn't ****
if he was asked.
I said she should go home with Barman
a proper *** date
but she didn't hear me
I didn't say it out loud
as we boarded the 268.
She put her bag on the seat
so I couldn't sit there
when she got up for her stop I played it cool
made a sign with my fingers and my hand
which means I'll call
even though we hadn't swapped numbers
but we Facefucked
she accepted my Friend Request
though declined my suggestion of a date
in fact we haven't talked again
since the night I took her out
the night after she got *****.

I like tea.
So
why not have a cup?

“How do we **** ourselves?” he asks me
on some sorta trip
the room smelled of *****
where he'd tried to come down
in the sink
How can you **** yourself you mean
I’m not in
I think Béatrice the intern I think she likes me
we lay on the bed as we came up
she kept staring
until I had to leave.
We stood on the balcony
gazed at the stars
taut
with expectation
but my wish never come true.

Tom was locked in a pity spiral
in his room
wanted to end it
I had to take him out walk around talk him down
it was over now.

she let herself be undressed take me please but she didn't take me Ms Nutland tangerine dream stayed up til two listening to The Smiths while I failed to make a move Alessandra dreaming spires got tired Ministry of Sound she shouted out loud but I couldn't hear the 10k sound rig progressive house she wanted to marry me I think some sort of visa thing at least **** me she called the payphone remember those left a message Alexei used to slide her hands inside my T-shirt during lectures when I did it to her she said I couldn't Sühan lolling on the banks of the Cam Béatrice of Toulouse I made a clumsy move we were high on Ecstasy Charlotte Parry played it cool though she wanted to go to the Cats' Ball the gowns champagne the dawn but I never Katie Campbell Architecture BA said she'd go on a date but there was some sort of crisis masculinity Weitsche Jessie my hand inside her bra while we watched tv X Factor this girl worked in my agency boring lunches snatched kisses in Cavendish Square she phoned me drunk one Saturday asked me to come and get I said it was late she should get a taxi San San an underwear model on GMTV asked me to a slumber party she said her boyfriend was away I said I'd love to if she gave me a bit more warning a couple at a ****** party said to meet for a drink Mason's Arms six thirty she said her friend was late I said I've got chanting at eight-thirty you should come maybe Yasmin Keshmiri asked me to join her for breakfast in bed one time I arrived two hours later she was up angry Rachel Green friend of a friend of someone in tv I checked her this party she had a boyfriend she called this one time on the landline said she wanted to talk to Claudie but I knew she liked me the opportunity gone “We all **** it up it's what you learn from it” barman at Pharmacy statuesque German offered to massage me Candida Scott-Knight screenwriter in Givenchy invited herself round it could've been this beautiful ******* in ** Chi Minh haunts me she might've married me for money we’d have a child Johanna from Lünd smiled she asked me or is it agreed to a drink the details were unclear we sat in the kitchen and drank Prosecco she wanted to get some coke in we lay on her bed it makes you ***** by five-thirty it was light she said I've gotta order more in or go to sleep I said okay maybe I should leave this girl from Bedales I was 25 she was 17 bummed a cigarette at a wedding she didn't have a pen so she wrote her number on the back of the cigarette box in lipstick I gave her drugs we kissed I had my hands round her waist before she became sickened by me a German on the District Line East Putney from Leipzig like Bach I carried her case didn't complete the tennis club single mum Martha maybe Sophie had a sweet backhand we played a set made signs left alone last week

When he took me in his hand
I had to look at San San to keep my interest
she was watching Britain's Got Talent
on tv,
he alternated slow languorous licks
frequent glances at me,
I switch between San San
by twisting my neck
and mental images of Lady Diana Christina Aguilera
Brooke Shields.

When he caught his breath
looked up expectantly
there was something he didn’t see
I guess
there was pain in his eyes,
he wanted more than a ******* he wanted to convert me;
but that didn't happen
it was just a one night thing.

Alicia Silverstone
gives me bone
so does she fancy me?

His eyes are clear
blue-white like egg
unveined
like a child's
this 80-year old philanderer player divorcé
on chemotherapy
as we speak
I eye them jealously;
I want blue eyes.
Suffer what there is to suffer enjoy what there is to enjoy
he adjures me
word of Buddha
maybe
only isn't I shoulda blaze a trail you know
burning path
a name
kinna thing?
His eyes are bright
alight
with old man wisdom
hungry to impart:
life is suffering
he reminds me
regard both suffering and joy as parts of life;
I check my phone
ten minutes have passed;
his eyes are distant
on some kinna future
apart.

I’d like to rub my *****
between Emma Harrison's ****
you know, that bird out of Neighbours
her lipstuck mouth beseeches my labours,
and I'd like to shove my ***** in her face
and her to lick me in that place
where my hole stops and my ******* starts
and I'd ease her squeezy legs apart
and with my hand I'd tickle her apex
tandem *** femina ut habendum ***
flesh on flesh, musk of fur
does that mean I love her?

Take your ****
in your hand,
now tell me what's the greatest piece of work.

“You wanna get some in?”
eyebrow raised
“Split a couple grams?
Half a V?”
the coke takes you up
****** keeps you there
“There's someone I think you should meet
married
likes to share.
She's Australian”
he adds
“I think.”
All she needs
she wants photos
you know
selfies
before she'll commit;
fully/semi
“That's okay isn'it?”
She's on a working-visa no kids likes to explore
Craig's List public spaces
crosses boundaries
opens doors.
I want that too
I think
take it to the edge,
it's just different is all.

Around five thirty maybe five forty-five
ginger-fingered dawn arrived
clutchy touchy
prising sleep-gummed eyes
apart
with one-way kissing
and a pressure on my thighs,
the half-state
sleep and day combined;
so I got on top without ceremony
fed myself in
the clock on her table
said o six fifteen.
Early too tired
I pumped her up like a car-tyre
with steady silent strokes;
around twenty past maybe twenty-five
begun a-drumming on my back
trying to speak in signs
I think:
keep going
or do it like this.
I didn’t know what she wanted
so I carried on anyway
til I reached a sort of peak
round six twenty-nine.

I let her hold me ‘til six forty-five
when I had to get up;
I was embarrassed by her
or me
I wanted to be alone
smoke
put my hand on my *****
on my own.

Iyunno if I really understand the basis of our transaction:
***
but under sufferance though,
I like her
we're friends
but she never really liked me
not like that;
it's okay
I'll take it anyway I get
I'm all for pityfuck
only I can't tell
right now
if she's ******* me or when she's wankbanking someone else,
there’s this guy she likes this guy
short
strong
he's nothing like me,
she insists we do it from behind
no kissing too;
we got a rhythm routine
a weird compatibility,
after maybe fifteen
twenty
maketh moan
mumbles something
sounded like **** me or maybe up me
stick it up me,
I carry on
throw in something free
“You like it hard?!”
I breathe
with my **** voice
from the throat;
she's quiet
“Someone's been naughty”
I sort of sing
try to stick it to her
but her body's gone stiff
“Look this isn't working”
she pulls away;
it was working for me;
but there's a limit I guess
the price
of pity.

the moment was there I'm sure
locked togethrer
in the lavatory stall
she bent at the hips to take coke
the arc of her form
like she asked invited me touch
is what it seemed
touch
but by the time I'd decide she stood up
brushed the dust from her nose
run a finger round her gums
smiled at me
“On y va?”
The moment'd passed.

You know I said I like you and ting for real
hope you're really happy
and I do
I do
all I'm saying's if I had a wish
a dream come true
mine would be
you'd get cancer
d'you know what I mean?
What are you’re leaving why?!
Not painful or disfiguring
you’ll still be hot
nothing like that
but terminal though
You said you were my forever lover
like Jacko,
maybe pancreas or spleen?
All I'm asking's a painless but certain death
you know what I mean
I know you do.
I'm just trying to be honest
you gotta Tell her about it everyone knows that
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Joel
Billy
all I'm saying's for me
I'd be better off dead (you).
Because all that Wishing you the best is nice
and I do
kinna
but that's thinking about you;
for me
it's more desirable better if you = dead
seen?
I would rather you were in the ground
lesbian or quadriplegic
than watch another man have you;
that's nice isn't it
romantic?
You are not about the future
you’re about now
the dance of life
all present and ****
but I want forever
now;
let’s do it together.
For me.

*******
on the brain

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Good love 07866 344159

I said “You're so hot”
she said “Let’s wait”
said
it's more romantic
if we talk
about stuff
first
if we talk.
She told me she'd been promoted to Area Group Manager
no rise in salary
but it would add value to her CV,
I mentioned Arsenal'd moved up to fourth in the league  
on goal difference.
She said “Ok, let’s ****”
started taking off her clothes turn off the light
but something how she said it
didn't feel right.

maybe depression's just having all the facts

“No I'm not looking for random ***” she says
sips her tea
green
“I'm looking for a soulmate not someone with a big ****
though those things are nice.”
She tries to keep her average up
three four dates a week
Guardian Soulmates Tinder Happn
it's a numbers game
Snapchat
meet for coffee
juice
who can say?
“Have you tried amyl?”
she wants to know
“I had a great date last week
this guy
took me to an expensive hotel
champagne poppers ***.
We have nothing in common
like my ex,
he's well-hung
but dumb.
It's great while I'm waiting
for something to come up
the right kinna thing;
you gotta keep on looking.”

sometimes body dysmorphia's just looking in the mirror

“I'm pregnant”
she mutters
squeezes my arm
“twelve weeks”
like it’s mine
but it's not
I never had her ever
except dreams,
I lean across
“That's wonderful”
smile
another one gone
but I'm a little bit turned on
the swelling
breast-milk
Can you feel it kick?
“I'm gonna carry on
do everything as normal”
she insists
pinches my cheek
I smile back
imagine what she means.

Lucky’s Bar
1080 Norodom
Phnom Penh
capital of the southeast Asian *** trade
where Happy Hour is all day
I sip a beer
catch the eye
of number 29
feline attractive quite shy
senses me staring
draws near
“You handsome boy” she lies.
I take out a cigarette
offer her a drink she orders Sprite
this flower of the Khmer
Pol *** child
of maybe nineteen or twenty
dressed modestly
in black
name Muai or Huang
or something like that.
I feel a textbook compassion for this war-wronged people
if it’s not exploited or genocide
it's purging the intellectuals killing fields
but my blood runs thick when she brushes my thigh.
How could Cambodia do this to its own people
three million dead?
the charge is $15 plus room hire.
Muai leads me up to our room
switches on tv (it’s cable!)
disrobes showers
waits for me to do the same.
When I finish in the bathroom
she is naked now
encourages me onto the bed
(the room is let by the hour)
takes off my glasses
I trace her warm sinuosity
colonise her form with my tongue
and she kisses me back
lovers now.

When we disengage
she touches my cheek
says goodbye
exit through the back door not the bar.
Later on
outside
I glimpse Muai in a tuk-tuk
changed
offguard
I wave she smiles
my vehicle coughs into motion
our ways part,
strangers again
in the muggy night.

Bottle of Pinot
G and T
arm-in-arm
the walk home
“Let's take it slow”
she goes
slow
-it’s been two years-
but I'm not really
an RnB kinna guy
ain't got the groove the vibe
I'm not like Jodeci
I got two speeds
stop
and go;
but something ain't right
right
out of bed
kitchen
flowers of camomile
the reading-book
Plath
Larkin
Bukowski
maybe not the most romantic maybe
that woulda been more Catullus is it?
Horace
Odes and Epodes
Sappho;
when the sleepy come
it was time
but the feeling'd gone away.
I made a move
onetime
she said “I'm not in the mood”
she said
“not now”
and fell asleep.
06.46
#morningofglory
one hand nests round her leafy form
another forages afield
only
“I'm so hot”
she mumbles
meaning not;
I turn over get up
make green juice
Assam tea;
when she came in the kitchen she was dressed
she didn't want her drink
said “I think I'm gonna go” she said
and left.

caffe cuppe
keepy uppy
shaky-makey
urinatey

After I got the glasses from out of the cupboard
after I opened the wine
I made my move,
she let me kiss her
warm damp cherry mouth
and lean her back
against the washer-dryer,
she didn’t want to go no further though
said it didn’t feel right;
it felt fine
to me
nice.
She had a boyfriend she said
but agreed to stay the night
his name was Ashley
of Sutton Coldfield
the only man she’d had.
She borrowed a sawn-off sweatshirt
and jogging pants to sleep in
it was a hot clammy night
but I was too tired
to try anything.
We woke sweaty
unmolested
and decided to go for brunch at Queen's
and a bike ride.

So I was in Chiang Mai
Top North Bar
little bit high
sweet Vallies
bottle of beer
playing pool with a ladyboy
making coy
while she
flirts
with me
wondering how it works
when a friend of hers arrives
starts chatting to me
“Where you from?” etcetera.
I told her I had a girlfriend we were practically married I don’t think she believed it
she said she liked me her name was Panchit.
So eventually
we left
drove to the night market for pad thai
and som tam
nam ya
couple of Singha
smoke ****
went to a club called Apocalypse Now drop a pill,
she didn't wanna go home
she wanted to stay out
laughing and drinking and dancing to trance music
for hours and hours;
round three
we went back to the hotel
ignored the No Guests rule
went upstairs showered,
we made love;
and when we were done
fell asleep
in each other's arms.

5am she wakes me up says she has to go home now
I ask her what’s wrong
she starts babbling
something like nung hah song
sawadi-something sip-si,
I ask her
in English
what she needs,
she makes a rubbing gesture
between her forefinger and thumb.
I understood
people gotta eat,
I give her what she asked for:
500 Baht
a meaningless amount unspeakable currency,
she got her shoes
kissed me on the cheek
said goodbye,
I offered to drive her
but she said it was fine
and left.

Is it weird
odd
threatening perhaps
someone you know
some guy
only ever dropped you off/picked you up from your home
you stopped talking to him about a year ago
is it weird he still got your address sent you something
flowers or a luxury good you don't want
is that stalking?
obviously it is a bit
little bit stalky
maybe not illegal but probably a bit weird;
I thought it was romantic
anonymous card in the post
full loving intent
muttered declarations
but tasteful though
a William Morris print
signed with a heart,
only I dunno if she took it that way
she's Unfriend me FB,
won't answer my email
-s
her phone goes Voicemessage:
a year's wait
in vain.

MSN:
infections incursions something moving in
deaths natural disasters
man-made
FB:
Aleksandr Milanovic in a bikini
Kay Simonsen
Gulda Aram
regal
aloof
's post some thing
about Kurdistan
genocide massacre
a city is it a town?
something's under siege;
if I 'Like' your thing
posting
campaign page whatever
will you like me make love to marry me
will you
Gulda Aram?
Weapons
stockpiled
in Syria
Israel warplanes
Kurdistan
if I embrace your country Gulda your cause
will you embrace please reproduce with me?
Jean coming in,
close window laptop
assume meditative pose
pensive
thinking, about some thing
kinna torment maybe
a compassion-pain feeling;
you get
it off of internet.

Lying on Platform 3
District and Circle Line
South Kensington
Eastbound
blood mixed with spittle leaked from her mouth to the ground
limbs twitched
uncontrollably
expression blank
eyes rolled back
while the London Transport Police stood around
arms linked together in a sort of shield.
A herd of museum-goers
giddy with science
natural history
crowded round
faces etched with terror and concern
anxiety to see
the event
on Platform 3.
People in uniform announced
“Move on please”
but there was something to see here,
the pride stayed still
bent their necks to peer
through the vegetation of arms and legs;
an exhibition
warning
of some thing
maybe
day of reckoning dystopia global warming?
I push forward
breathe in the dungy smell
mixed with Calvin Klein
Eternity
for women;
reflected in the unfocused eyes I see
the image of myself;
it stares
and accuses me.

She lay quiet now
head propped on a jacket
body slack
eyes sleepy,
the WPC
murmured consolations
in the victim's ear
radioed her colleague
stand down
end of emergency.
The woman's face
combined confused shamed
grimy clothes
her twisted frame
testimony
to some out-of-body experience
she didn't see.
A fuzzed awareness starts to return
a pigeon plucks at something round her feet
the herd starts to shift,
there is a Circle Line on Platform 3
in 2 minutes
destination: Liverpool Street.

The bell goes
there's someone at the door
called Chlöe
Chlöe de Suite,
I would've never've answered her before
but things've changed since then:
she's become a successful writer
famous almost
I've gone bald;
and I'm on it again.
We get charged up
go out
at Subterranea I lips her
though she's anxious
doesn't wanna be seen
case a friend of the married man she's seeing sees,
he's semi-famous
worth retaining
she can't afford to risk it on a one night thing.
We go back to mine
where we kiss some more;
her body responds
unwinds
but her gaze is afield
eyeing the next line.
At three or so to bed
Chlöe stays up alone
to drink
and smoke;
two hours later she joins me
our parts entwine
I don’t know what she wants exactly
more white?
but she plucks the ****** that I put on off
which she says I won't need
says she can't feel
through a layer of rubber,
so I guess she did.

“I'm late”
she announced
her face a mix of blame and hate,
I'm supposed to be anxious
but I'm not
“I thought you said you didn't ***?”
she spits
stands astride
like a barrister
my heart pounds inside
“I didn't”
I feel fertile
alive
“I think”
and sort of smile
which she sees
“You ****!”
she sighs
her body heaves
flops into a seat,
but she accepts a soyaccino
decaff
venti.
I already said if you wanna marry me
I do
last year
remember
I said?
I speak silently
without moving my mouth,
I could fall in love with you
if you want
but she didn't though
there was no need to repeat myself
marry?
a fuckbuddy?
she was aiming higher than that.
This pregnancy
wasn't gonna get in her way
believe.

So I ask this 9 arrange with this 9 take her to a party
drinks
she agrees
it's mutually satisfactory
she gets out
I have a dream.
Pick her up round 10
in a taxi
we talk about art
astrology
not awkward things
the arrangement
deal
it's not something we discuss
we're conflict-avoiding
water-signs.
“You're wasting your time”
BFF assures me
a mixture of jealousy
practical advice,
she is out of my league.
We walk into the party
like we were walking onto a yacht
the whispers women wanna talk to me
cling to the dream.
I take her home
round 01.30
walk her to the door
“Ok bye”
she smiles
pecks me on the cheek
“thanks for everything”
closes the door.
I unlock my bike
and leave.

the preliminaries
hellos
I ask him how he is
the portable phone,
not great he insists
two days of indigestion
trapped wind
“I'm farting all the time”
I laugh
“it's a worrying sign”
he insists
“I've had cancer twice.”
I elect to treat the matter as a joke
with levity
no one ever died of broken wind
I don't think
But Ron wants medical attention
some kinna tests
wants money spent
some kinna probe maybe
a machine
with noises like a robot
a digital read-out.
When they call “Mr Hilton”
Chelsea & Westminster
A&E;
ask what he's been eating
“Are you keeping regular meals?”
Ron mentions cancer
Dr Pasek laughs
something stirs in my intestine.

Lord hear me
let me see Thee
Thou
something,
I will kneel
Maker of Heaven and Earth
of all things seen and unseen
God of God
light from light
give me a sign,
for I am filled with such delight
love for Thee
me
everyone
particularly if they're pretty.
Incarnate by the Holy Ghost
You offer me Your glories
Lord
I feel it
third pew from the front
a woman of Samaria
in the print dress kitten heels.
Lord I am not worthy to receive Thee
she's leaning forward
But only say the word
only say the word
and my soul shall be healed,
I can heal thee
Woman
if thou need'st,
Lord send me her number.
In pastures green He leadeth me
make her love me
make her down with me to lie
and I will worship Thee
and worthily magnify
Thy Holy name
the quiet waters by.

So I'm stalking this bird
woman girl
e-stalking this bird I kinna know
met
this time
fit
fit but she never talked to me
since we met
only hi what’s going on
not yet,
so I'm browsing her photos
she didn't privacy protect
Google searching 'Anna Fiorentini'
Images
LinkedIn
smiles back coyly off of Internet
prepared
she smiles back
cheekbones
unforgiving
clutches her BFF
insanely grinning
out of it;
through the Prada
Balenciagga
a cruel loveless spirit
shines through,
I am captive.

“Has anyone ever hit their dad?”
he calls out
fondling a can of Kestrel
9%
Harrow & Wealdstone train
Bakerloo Line,
papers quake
tongues click
I haven't but I'd like to
administer the *****
I had no idea we all did I thought it was just me.
“If anybody hates anybody”
the ciderman sing
furrows his brow with strain
“please have the honesty to shout out on the train”
bends his head
to spit,
no one sing
man in sweatshirt raises his eyes  
from the screen
woman sighs
her body heaves with the effort
Wino grows quiet
“This is Kilburn Park. Next stop the train will terminate
Queen's Park
Passengers wishing to continue their journey should take the Overground on Platform 4”
The lager lout
unsure if that include him
picks up his Sainsbury's bags
got out.

i haven't a dream
of a grander scheme,
no idea
of a super-
ior way.

night after the day after New Year's Eve Jeanie back arched hands stretched above her head berried ******* invite me her body responds involuntarily Anna Keady little bit ***** little bit tease layers of fabric chafing breathe Jeanie skin taut head lightly banging the headboard Helen cold with firm siliconed ******* brutal pitiless *** we walked and walked Wells-next-the-Sea we found a churchyard St Barnabas she lay on a barrow green with moss Isaac Samuelson 1838-73 Engineer the sound of cows in the field a tractor far off crows thick with blood cawed in the trees grimaces the pain sweet closed eyes Katja let me use her the pub lavatory her bland *** Chinese tea I told her I'd been seeing other women a Last Tango thing she was more In the Mood for Love "Why did you do it?" it aroused me a little bit Jeanie gaze focused on the feeling slow stop-go Kleenex under the pillow Japanese masseur www.redtube.com persuades his client to lose the clothes skilful hands pause video tax returns January 31 my first love cheated it hurt and excited me Manchester Piccadilly in a cab a cardigan cashmere Agnès B the neck reached down to her Wonderbra her ******* handsome yielding 34C driver watched in his rearview ***** Jo half drunk on champagne on Primrose Hill kissing as the sun goes down entwined on her sofa wait until the fifth sixth date Jeanie urgent breaths jaw clenched tractor field the pub lavatory removed her shirt Alex bra pants like plucking fruit her parents' home I had to leave “So what'd that mean?” The Spice Girls Gerri Union Jack dress pushed up round her waist Jeanie claws at my back thighs squeeze Abbie girlish unsure sons restless the bedroom next door hand on the doorknob can't sleep I pull the duvet back the lion off-guard asleep he knew she's mine now belongs to me whimpering her eyes accuse and invite me banging gainst the headboard gravestone Jeanie taxi driver Agnès B

Ecstasy
Ecstasy
Sexstasy
You & Me.

The man who replaced
supplant me
in the object of my love
sun-creased Abbie
I call this ****** out
Simon Something-Smith
lay down the challenge
to this ****
in my mind.
“How'd you fancy seeing out of one eye?!”
I shriek
brandishing a fork
the line
borrowed
from The Sopranos
Series 3,
****** a finger in his eye
right
hooking the nail around the optical nerve until it snaps
fist
in the throat
knee
to the stomach sternum nuts,
smash his nose
with a golfclub
a three wood,
in my mind.
A trickle of blood
leaks from the corner of his double-barrelled mouth
as he lies
moaning softly
on the ground.
I want to kick his hideous handsome face
into a ****** pulp
break his eagle's beak
bring to earth
this lofty Sloane  
this is what I want
do
in my mind.
“Would you like tea?”
he asks
when our paths cross
in the buffet tent
marquee
some kinna event
party
somewhere
the Shires
“No thanks”
I reply
even though I would
no thanks no tea,
show my distaste
hostility
extreme violence
that way.
He knew
sensed my power
potency
picks up his cup and saucer
leaves.
When he has gone
back to Abbie
my once love
escort
fantasy
I pour myself
an Earl Grey
splash of milk, semi-
take a scone
find a seat.

Always shoplift books you read
to avoid paying royalties
to writers who should not be published
whom you should not read before you *******.

So this woman friend someone I know
onetime FB
sectioned herself
this divorcee
went bi
put her in Riverside Ward
St Mary’s
so now
pparently
she's in transition stage
means
visits gym accompanied outings,
she's ask me
onetime FB
to accompany her
supervised trips
the cinema park the Natural History
she need walking
reintegratey.

So I'm now she's all out and ****
she's >Soo much better
Received 11 November 2014
hasn't got time for ***
she's >Meeting a friend for tea.
Where TF was this 'friend' b4
when you need accompany?
She's had time to think
inside
she needs relationships that are supportive nourishing
lose the negativity
“You get me?”
I think I do
did.

Prozac and telly and sleeping:
these are all of my favourite things.

passion fruit panna cotta mangosteen melon summer roll jasmine tea 7” deep pan pizza 99p mozzarella pineapple green chilli Morrison Value Range Lasagne chips oysters greengages garlic bread Wotsits masala dosa ginger beer pho bở hash cookies spinach profiterole syllabub rhubarb fool Frappuccino blackberry & apple San Pellegrino Kia Ora mulberry Whopper Meal chocolate ginger ale vegetable thali chocolate biscuits ***’s apples champagne caviar blinis cigarettes ******* smoked salmon fig and balsamic chutney stilton toasted ciabatta Rice Krispee lamb larb nasi goreng som tam tom yum thousand year egg sticky rice Chelsea bun pisco sour empanada cerviche Quavers bacon Caesar salad Earl Grey fried vegetable tempura sashimi crème caramel fatoush ***** Martini Quorn Shepherds Pie oat-milk mango lassi Green & Black’s Gregg’s cheese & onion pasty Tesco’s raspberry turnover with cream garlic bread vichyssoise rocket Shreddies baked potatoes cauliflower au gratin bouillabaisse ratatouille tarte tatin butter raspberry macaroni cheese fatoush lamb shish carrot juice Lebanese bread-pudding wine parsnips potatoes: roast unsweetened marmalade Marmite white toast Sainsbury’s lager decappuccino G&T; Wall’s Tropical Solero Tropicana McDonald’s Apple Pies spaghetti carbonara scampi-fries tarte Normandie roast beef Yorkshire puddee horseradish sauce Spinach & cheese roti caipirinha stuffed olives tom kha kai salt & sweet popcorn green coconut Sprite battered plaice pineapple fried egg whitebait Nescafé Gold Blend Volvic After Eight

Walks in
lights are blinding my eyes
my heart sings
doesn't notice me she walks past,
it is o-o-thirty.
And then I see she is esquired
by this guy new guy
handsome
tall
Simon Something
a double-barrelled ****
in jeans
tight
blazer
open-necked shirt
white
a pretend *******
school of Côte d'Azur
spazzy dance
the cheap allure.
At 2
3
a.m.
they leave
stop beside her car
he makes her laugh
at some thing,
maybe me?
Her goldie hair
crinkle-cut
like chips
waves
in the moonlight,
they get in.
When she backs out I can see
the gullible fool
cocksurecunt
who displaced me
rides shotgun
in her Mercedes
Class E
estate.

Next time we meet we sit awkwardly at a bench
she sips tea
I smoke
“The boys go back to school this week”
she confides,
a mockery
of the closeness I once felt
absorbed
uninvited.
And the retreat:
heartbroke
comfty
routine,
I think about deleting the photo from my phone
I upload without permission from FB
think about it as I gaze at her picture
on my Samsung Galaxy
SIII.

“******* is fun”
she concedes
afternoon after New Year's eve,
it's something
I guess
kinna forward progress
she never said as much
when we convenience-****** before.
Did she got feeling?
I like that
the power
so I slow down
withdraw
teasy kinna tongue kinna thing
taste of ****
sweat
****.

9pm my phone rings
Barbara
wants something:
I'm not in love with you any more
let it go to Voicemessage
return to bed
slide a hand over Jeanie's waist
she shrugs my arm away
hungover.
It is New Year's Day.

“You know we're not going out”
she tells me
a couple days
b4 NYE
round the twenty-eighth ninth kinna thing
“you know that”.
And I do...did
I know we're not going out,
I was high
mistook
intoxicated
by love kinna
love for this plastic fantastic fascisti,
we're not going out
but I could buy her drugs though
take her home
chat for more than ninety minutes about the Neo-Realists on the phone
she could finish texts
with a couple of 'x's
sometimes three
you know
I'm connect with this handsome Italian
and I leave her at the door
of her home.

We make our choice in the first ten minutes
or is it seconds?
I don't recall,
the decision is made.
She got to no
on the second date
somewhere between the Whitechapel Gallery and Nobu,
but my heart stopped for nine months for you
this hopeless cause.
“I don't think I wanna get married” she tells me
outside Wagamama's
“or have a child”
Nod
try to smile
avoid eyes.

NYE
2014
we're not going out
but we could go to the same party
it was too late to change plans;
she finds a seat at the opposite end
beside an urbane
doctor-divorcee
named Andrew,
I open the champagne.
At midnight they kissed
tongues ****** enquiringly out
like anteaters
faces turned inwards
a two-headed god
swaying to Britney Spears
on the dance-floor.
I retreat to the other room
but at four o'clock
look around
they're still here;
Jesus! How long does it take to have ***?! Get your coat already!
Five forty-five
she wants to speak to me
her beautiful face defiant and angry
“You wanna share a cab?”
I'm silent stunned,
“You know we're not going out”
I think
but don't say,
we could share a cab though
a cuckolded chaperone
I know that
it's 2015.