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How can I become more of myself?
What can I give?
Have I given enough ?
Whose eyes should I borrow ?
And what shoes should I walk in ?

Judgement does not keep company with truth;
Have I cleared my mind?
Have I opened it wide enough ?
What perspectives need to be placed down?
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What do you do with love someone will not take?

Where do you place it ?

How should you feel ?

Everyone has their own heart and it is not their fault their does not love yours.
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You are free
my palm is open
fly where you please

it is a beautiful world
and it is all yours
this lifetime is precious

I would never clench my fist
or cup you within my two hands
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Are you ashamed to love me?
If yes, then you are not right for me.
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her little hands need you
so I quiet my mind and heart
trying to will them into submissive silence
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I lean further in
because from afar
everything is abstract
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I do not know what storm you’re facing brown eyes.All I know is a portion of my best wishes and my good vibes are always sent towards your direction. However, right now I must keep my own ship afloat. I must figure out how to steer in a way that yields love and respect as I make my way across the ocean.
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Under the layer of confusion
is the softness that seems to yield to you
and there you are
amongst all  
shinning never faintly
always brightly
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I need someone who genuinely cares about me
who doesn’t need to will themselves to love me, but that in their heart knows they would like to greet each day by my side

I need a hand sometimes. I can handle my own, but it would nice to have someone show up for me.

To take a walk with or invite me out for cup of tea

Someone who wants to know how I am doing. If I am okay?someone I can turn to and feel comforted and loved by even if we don’t have much

Someone I could talk to, that could speak back to me

Someone who helps me grow and looks at me with eyes of compassion and gives their smile to me as a gift
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wherever it takes you may it be filled with joy
may the days meet you with exuberance
and may all harm halt at your door

somehow,
let it be so

so that you do not hurt  
because then I feel
as though I hurt too
quietly
without being able to tell you

so may you keep the light
and may it hang like a keychain
from your hands
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As a child they never called me Guadalupe nor did they call me Lupe.
They called me Lupita and Pita.
Sometimes my parents still call Pita.

I hug my legs
apanasana pose
and I whisper to myself
“hang in there Pita”
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May whatever comes your way dear
make ya' smile
may whatever view is framed
by your window awaken the timeless
beauty in ya'
for you too are reflected within it
let the swaying trees outside gently whisper 
towards your direction  "you are our brother"
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You went from a small mount
to becoming a mountain
and then as the year progressed
you became a wide valley
and I agree that I might be lost, but I am lost your depths
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allow the freshness of the cold air
to let you cry of sadness or of joy
let it purge whatever sits in your chest
so that you can feel so that you can dream,
because you ought to believe in the kinder things
and reach for them with might and tenderness
hold your arms out towards the most beautiful of visions
of what your life can be
.
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My hand is extended towards you but yours seems further and further away.

Can’t make it out in the distance anymore even though we live in the same city now.
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I close my eyes and think of the warm smiles and hands of friends who have held out their open palms and lifted me

when I close my eyes I feel them
gather within me and I know I am strong because I am not alone

And I thank them for not leaving me out in the cold, alone when they could hear me struggling through the storm

I thank them for being true to their hearts
for stepping out on a limb for me
for such a love is grace received

when I close my eyes i feel warmth, peace and I have the sense that life will only get better
that this will only deepen
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In my eyes you are light
and shadow
And beauty and
someone I risked
so much to see
because your worth it
and so much more to me
.
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The things I thought about:

I could never take someone’s parent away so I thought your girl could have three.

I thought of about really having to change careers so I could help you put your girl through school (and get her anything she needed) and so that her mother wouldn't have to work so hard.

I wanted your baby girl’s mother to reach her dreams because then baby girl would grow knowing she could do anything.

I thought about having to become her mother’s friend. And I also thought about her hating me and your little girl hating me too.

I thought about needing to live near them, so you could be there Incase of an emergency.

I thought of the ways people would try to guilt me or shame.

I thought about you dying sooner than me. I thought about those final years and I would miss you.


Silly, that I thought about all this. silly that I moved across the world. Silly that I sit here alone, but true.
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Today I empty the chest and release all this longing and all this sadness. They do not suit me well; I think I rather go back to joy and my single cup of tea. The turntable is a good enough companion for me when the evening comes and I want to sing along to Nick Drake or attempt to dance rumba by myself.
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May your eyes shine because you are a gemstone of a human
May you know that all my words are only guides that take you to the doorway of the beauty that you already posses

(May you know that I know no one is perfect, but I still so fervently love humanity)
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I have faith in all the beautiful things this world has to offer
I have a corner tucked so deep inside my chest nothing touches it
there I keep my fire
there I keep my hope
there the light abides
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It softly whispers to me
"i would wait two decades
if that is how long it took"

I say nothing;
I have no words for the wild heart
that pumps this blood inside.
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If I desire to cry I sit there and cry
if the feeling of inadequacy falls over me I take it into my hands and embrace it fully. I feel the not so pleasant, so that I feel the marvelously pleasant things that living has to offer.
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It does not feel great to be last on the list
nor does it feel great to be ignored
or to be forgotten
to not receive an apology
or any form of communication

it does not feel soothing
or healthy, nor loving and not even  friendly to be treated in such manner

it feels like punishment
for being a flawed human being that regardless of mistakes deserves to be appreciated, valued and not taken for granted
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I find this living so beautiful that I will myself to get up
may I let the day deliver me beauty
may I trust the unending loving nature of this existence will find me
open me to
and deliver me the gifts of joy
like walking calmly down a road my feet blessed with ground to walk upon
and eyes
my eyes with which to behold it
or feeling the wind blow as I look up at the clouds
grant me these small serenading joys
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You can it take it, that loving heap of words
or a love I held dear
you can carry it away in your hands
just take care of it
be gentle
water it with light and love
I will no longer cry late at night
it is the bird in your arms
that you hold onto
I do not need to know why
take care of that bird, love it deeply in this lifetime so that it’s wingspan expands and it soars during the day or dark of night
you can take this love I held dear
just be kind to it
don’t bicker over useless things
use your time to love
love the love I held dear
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Love, be well
rest
I have a whole heart
to give you
does not matter if you take it
just matters that I see you
Love, be at ease
thoughts can be so cruel
You have a whole heart
beneath them
matters if there’s joy within it
Love, be at who you need to be
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Gratitude emerge soft
and profoundly onto my palms
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Don’t let there be gloom, it is so easy for it to grow when watered
it will cover even the most beautiful of flowers,
you’ve always been gifted with a green thumb, and a large heart
you deserve to harvest
lovely things are coming
water those blossoms because they do give fruit
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We need to live and breathe and mingle with the joys of life
we cannot sever connections to the earth or any “them” energy flows from one to another as we are the one
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All the birds could chirp and all the clouds could vanish leaving the clearest sky
but if I cannot muster the courage to go outside how much of it can I take in

How well can I say that I have lived ?
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The sun is already within you
yours, no key, no code, no price
no person, nothing stands between you
and the brilliance of your sunshine
you are forever endowed with its warmth
.
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May the wind aid you
like it has aided the blue patches of sky that were revealed
as the clouds floated off

May the breeze not just cool you
but also clear away & soothe your inner climate  
and lower the chances of internal precipitation
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I will look at all the lovely flowers that tilt my way and thank them for such lovely a gift is their presence
that I could cry at their beauty
at their kindness
so when I look at them I try to hold back my tears of gratitude
I can only stare at them and smile
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I hope I was as kind as possible
that I showed up when it mattered
even if it was not at your timing
and that I tried to lift you
higher
maybe in a young, shaky and clumsily way
but I sure hope it was higher

I hope I was gentle
what I do to others is already done unto me
I hope I lifted you higher
I can only hope
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Do not underestimate
how lovely I think you are
If it has been unsaid
if I forgot to tell you,
forgive me

I dig my head in books, I stop and stare at leaves
I just assumed you could feel my love
the way the we feel the wind over ours skins
So forgive me, I tried
many times to tell you
that you mean so much to me
that at my core you sit
and you never leave me
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I do not know if I would cry or smile first
whichever it is
I do know I would be blessed to see you
no questions in my mind about that
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All I have left behind is dissolving into the past
crumbling most of it
but it was necessary
for it prepared me for the now

to embrace you
to embrace whatever form you take
whatever song your life sings
whatever mood swings into gear within you

No matter the norms, the age gap, the multiple reasons someone might wave their finger at me or frown at my direction while thinking I’m out of mind

If you are a go, then baby I am a go
...ready as could be
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You have guided me through all these seasons
moved mountains
helped me weather storms

I have come so far from my home on your call
lead me now where I must go
I have done what I was told
and I have followed the compass you put in me
when I pray to you
sing to you
meditate to find you will you answer like you have always answered
through flickers
dreams
with serendipity
and I will be paying enough attention so as not to miss your response

You have guided me
so I cannot fear the earth’s tilt
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I trust that whatever crumbles will give way to something better
that cutting to the core will reveal the immense loveliness
that never departs my side
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I come this way(for you)
come your way
steered for no other reason here
than to meet you
on this stream

if you do not see with eyes of love
i will understand and will respect that
if you frown I will take it or smile

I steered this way to see you
so I whatever fate awaits
it is in the making
in your hands
and in the trembling of mine
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Today is a Sade kind of day
rest and lay down over the smooth
blanket that is her voice
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When I think of how beautiful the world is I dare not shut my heart to it
I dare not recoil from it; I take it as it is.
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May the voice that rises from your depths guide to what you need

May nothing frighten or threaten your path towards the vastness of your soul; it is only you who can hear it call.
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there is no guilt in the worn tares of imperfection
there is no need to fold the cloth in such a manner that hides them; I see them with quiet love-filled eyes
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I trust that clarity
clears
that the spark  
of hope cannot be trampled
I give all trust to you
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If you are to share the open palm of your hand let it be gladly and with respect for the days that will each go by as each hour is a gift even if unnoticed. If you are to look my way, do so with appreciation at least once not lust. You can keep your lust last on the list because it alone won’t get you through this life. If you are to tilt towards me do so from the soul, and then I am sure a lifetime will not seem like enough.
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Could you just hold me really tight
tight enough to squeeze the air out
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You crackle like an ember
and I know life is still burning within you. .

Just be what you are. I enjoy that,
I respect that from  the fiery depths
of this blazing lifetime
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I whispered those words
and the light inside my little Buddha statue began to flicker over and over. I starred  at it and this thought entered my mind like a banner being carried by a jet across the sky “there is always light”
I uttered it and the light stopped blinking
i forget I am never alone
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