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fyodormatveyev Mar 2021
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Between the celebration
I recognized two identical faces

In the last two-plays
I hear two exact names

I watched four-plays and turns out these things are the riddles that might have become my prayers

The last message might align through the universe
As I realized I'm getting closer to my smallest circle
I don't know where I'm going to and don't know how to feel either
fyodormatveyev Sep 2020
Yellow butterflies
Speeding cargo
Countryside's rice fields
Shuffled playlists

Blank visions
Got nothing in mind
Small green-coloured pillow
In my arms

Farmers on positions
Bow and stand
All-day working
For underpaid paycheck

Man with shades on
Relaxing under the morning sun
With cigarettes in his hand
Facing the railway

Lots of helpers
Keep busy with themselves
With mirrors and some neo-traditional music
Abandon some people who need help

Solo-race
Multiple races
That fight for the truth
Everyone's not knowing

High and higher trees
Green, green grass
Almost hidden parked bike and houses
Beyond sights

Mislead righteousness
Based on assumptions
Gone too far
From the right track

She was high in blue skies
I was drowned in the bathroom aisles
Black dots becomes black mud
Spread all over my head

Stranded in an empty mind
Worried enough
Daylight doesn't even shine on them
Hoping for miraculous thing to be true

Does it matter?
Paradoxes back and forth
In the various divided path of my life
At the highest downfall
on the rail, close enough for 2020
fyodormatveyev Sep 2018
Is it okay to be nice every day?
Seems like it's not
I barely not think when I do
Because sometimes, it doesn't get me to the place I want

Is this all my fault?
In the moment that I really don't know how to read things
when I spell it all out in sober?

I can't even tell the differences
  And, of course
    I owe you an apology

It's on my mind for the past weeks
  I'm really sorry

For things, that went wrong
  For words, I told you that not strong
    For sleepless night hourlong
      To our minds that don't get along
        To you, I don't belong

I'm deeply sorry.
fyodormatveyev Apr 2021
Eversince I broke our comms, I questioned myself

Do I let you enter my life or do I fully accept you in my life?

Been years contemplating about it

Do you let me enter your life or do you simply accept me into your life?
A single-complex memoir to learn
fyodormatveyev Aug 2019
Whispers in my dreams
Echoing your name
Forming your presence
Crossing our reality
fyodormatveyev Dec 2021
It's been long enough
Since I trust an imaginary truth
That becomes a faith
Deep in my 7th-layer dreams

Hoping the 7th layer of the dream is empty
Not a person, not a thing, not a thought
Used to be filled with the people I cared for & respected
But now I let them pass from "dragging me down"
fyodormatveyev Feb 2020
A lot of hesitation that much
Between an unfinished business
And suggestive things that maybe the quest
I kept for eternity
fyodormatveyev Dec 2018
Daydreaming
Hope for some things
To work out
But not
To expect more
Because expectation kills you
fyodormatveyev Mar 2020
Sorry that I had to leave
Can't stand the feeling
Also voices in harmony
Seems exhilarating

Within happiness
For my own good
Will not calm my mind
Where I used to stay

I have been reaching places
Grew me brighten up
Blew me apart
Bloomy blossom
Giving up every promises I can not keep
I did not plan to

Another day, another time
Week away, miles a day
Not the first time for me
Wishful distances to be kept
Leave you and me alone. Leave, you and me alone. Leave you, and me alone. Leave you and me, alone.
fyodormatveyev Mar 2021
All the choices I have made
Truer self die a long time ago along with my unfulfilled dreams

The best of me die in vain
That the end of myself will start an alternate version of myself

This universe will find the path
When I take it with along the way

I have patronized myself but now I don't
Because my body understands indescribable languages I spoke

I may have died
But I don't forget how to live either
fyodormatveyev Nov 2020
I love the idea that everyone is doomed
Then that depends on what made them on their feet
Since I tend to enjoy my cry
Not to meant that I wouldn't resolve it but it takes courage against yourself
Thus living on the next day, to save the energy
For another cry
Am I ready against myself?
fyodormatveyev Dec 2018
Hard times
Put us in position
Between right and wrong

Hard times
Makes us hard
To be sane

Weak weekend
Paper thin
So-called slacker

We all know
He was not

I read it
The other way around
fyodormatveyev Oct 2018
Some people really can understand the story
But never the pain in the chest
Not even sunshine illuminate you
Never was
Never will

They told you
It's nothing compared
To this paralyzed woman who survived the disaster
To that man struggling for cancer
To these old widows left during the cold war
To those homeless who live in this ****** world without ceiling

Mildly smile
Sneering inside
Since it's you
That falling freely
Running out of the air
Down the Marianas trench

People can understand you
However
They can not understand for being you
Never were
Never will

Two things to keep in mind
Thoughts could deceive you
And far far away
Your heart is pure to trust

Clock's ticking
Accompanied by possibilities
Waiting for choices to be made
fyodormatveyev Mar 2019
Some better left unexplained
in a matter of longing for the static waves

Some better left unexplained
but not everything
fyodormatveyev Oct 2019
Then I will,

Then I'll,
Denial.
fyodormatveyev Feb 2019
Force yourself
Pleasing everyone
And you can't help yourself
But you keep doing so
Cause you can't stop
fyodormatveyev Mar 2019
Morning starts.
Morning sleeps,
Morning sweeps,
That describes the morning activities around the globe.

Morning stars,
Morning sunshine,
Morning smiles,
Throwback when they were us in the morning.

Morning show,
Morning shakes,
Morning storms,
The morning to mourn, then the morning stops.
fyodormatveyev Oct 2019
I love you
Cliché in any way we say it
But it's true, that I've always love you
And still doesn't change what tomorrow brings

Things must comes to an end
Cliché in any way we say it
But it's true, that I wanted all to end
And still doesn't change what tomorrow brings
fyodormatveyev Oct 2018
lie low
to be
off the grid
for a while

not knowing on
when and where
the surface I will be

getting ready to bury
the most important thing
I expected
cause deep down
I figure it out
that was
imaginary
fyodormatveyev Aug 2019
Turning left
to the uptown
Walk away from the sacred ground
Walk away to the parade of sins

Am I still live under your shadows?
Am I still in the shadows?

Turning right
Try to hold me down
Standing still wanting to be drowned
Have a faith to the clouds

Am I still live under your shadows?
Am I still in the shadows?

Socially
I'm a roundabout
Part of me might be a dead end
And the others leading straight ahead to the flow

Am I still live under your shadows?
Am I still in the shadows?

Hanging out
Could ever be gone wrong
Five seconds can be too much long
Heart attack take him down

Am I still live under your shadows?
Am I still in the shadows?

Visualize for how it was supposed to end
In time, not entirely knowing to concede about how to moving on
Falling stars hide the momentum
Then appears an imaginary nonsense

Am I still?
Am I?
fyodormatveyev Oct 2018
be pleasant
to the
unpleasant
be kind
to the
unkind

I am not
expecting you
to be so
for sure

last time I awake
I drown myself
down into
positive
and
negative
minds
until
it collided
and can't be separated

in the end
absolutely
don't know
for what
I have shared
so don't
blame me

in case
you can't
appreciate for
what happen
inside me
then
please
appreciate
the silence
I made
fyodormatveyev Sep 2018
Really upset for what comes across me lately
Had to keep my mind busy

Because solitude is the real friend
Rare people use to get along with it

I came with myself
To the place I love
  without a bunch of friends

I experienced it myself
Solitude means enjoy yourself feeling alone
  but not to feel lonely

I played it myself
To be dumb and pretend to understand nothing
  while the world is crumbling down

I watched it myself
The place to stay for a while
  in all of sudden got burnt
   that left pieces of memories

I felt it myself
Having the loudest minds
  always do something to limit their circle
   and keep their feeling out from sight
    while pain cut you off in an unorganized way

I did it myself
Meant to be good and somehow hollow

I listened to it myself
After words that come from the mouth are nonsense

I buried it myself
Guilty feeling that always comes up
  and it keeps pushing up the ground to the skies

I said it to myself
This must have come to an end

Seems like having a different personalities
But, I can assure you it's not

It all full of stress and bliss simultaneously
Wish you to get well and blessed really soon
  myself
fyodormatveyev Feb 2019
Life is full of surprises.

You won't say that
Cause you are always skeptical

Until you face the moment
It slaps you in the face

Then you feel the streams
In your blood

Then it makes you say so.
fyodormatveyev Feb 2020
overwhelmed, maybe
have had enough, probably
none of nothing
all of everything
fyodormatveyev Sep 2018
Man, she can't say another word
Not today
Not tomorrow

Having you on her side is something big to her
Telling you about her day, means you're in her world
Loving you is kind of confusing, she said

Day and night passes by
No call from her

She tries to arrange steps ahead
Maybe she goes to the future without you, means you're replaceable
Or you're not
To leave you behind isn't in her top priority

Furthermore
She not to meant to cross the line
She prays to the Almighty
For the best of you
For the best of her

She tries to deliver something to you
Between happy and sad things

May this problem solved, soon
For a new path of your journey

But I believe
Not today
Not tomorrow
fyodormatveyev Aug 2020
It is o four hundred
And no fruits for today
It is a little bit too late to sleep
But happy was the lamp of the bright world

I hear synthesizer
That I want my head to synthesize
And pop shuffled
Will go down in the dawn

Nine minutes in the middle of a chaotic mind
As I lay my fingers on the keys
Full-speed in a numb fan
Voices of whisperers

Apparent death
Feel to spare some time
Whisperers echoed fifteen minutes after four
Two points of view are not enough

It is about to rainy season
When clouds overtake the sun
Missed her presence
In monsoon air

Heaven is bliss
An everlasting palace to stay
But the ability to take the step is gone
Between me and Him.
Maddening sore
fyodormatveyev Feb 2019
Always believe in something bigger than the universe
But you wish for immediate vanish like "Fredo"
You try to mend your broken heart by breaking others
So far from knowing the truth
Yet you deceive your soul
To avoid the apocalypse
Didn't get the whole picture
Hoping that one day there won't be a judgment day
Still, you wish for something
Something against the system
fyodormatveyev Mar 2019
Being realistic is hard
Almost everyone you knew not getting used to it
Most of the time will brand you as pessimistic
Cause it's nearly got no differences

In a way to survive
All of these complete madness
A system that they've created
That made us all choked to be happy

I believe in faith
~is the answer to survive
It doesn't matter how much
As long as you got it on a tiny place in your heart
fyodormatveyev Nov 2020
10 years from now,
will I laugh at myself for being so vulnerable?
will there be an improvement?
fyodormatveyev Mar 2019
After all of these happen before
Just maybe, I got trust issues


Don't lose faith in me,
because I already lost it.

— The End —