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America Nov 2018
many poets attempt to dress depression up to be
a fancy visitor in a gloomy suit,
like some rich guy from the forties
with the cool hats

but that's not it at all.
now, given, everyone experiences depression differently,
but to me it feels like it's entangled into my every breath

i feel like the tree wrapped in poison ivy i found once
when i was a kid
and i grabbed one of the leaves like an idiot
and rubbed it on my face because
"the leaves are soft, mommy"
and then i had to stay home for like, a week, until
the rashes went away.  

and, so,
it is part of my humor now,
and my breath, and my laugh, and my every blink,
and even when i don't think it's there, it is-
and it's not always destructive.
sometimes it gives me a break from the anxiety and i can just sit back and let myself be mellow and tired

THUS
it's okay that i am depressed
and for the longest time i thought
it was a part of me
and getting rid of it would be getting rid of a part of me
but i have come to realize
that the healing process
is CONSTRUCTION only
and nothing will be destroyed as i get better.

rather,
flowers will grow out of my volcanic ash
and the fog will only linger in a way that makes a day look beautiful
and I get to decide what i do with this palace of a brain that was granted to me.

that's what i think about tonight.
more about my depression because muttr.com doesn't seem to be a healthy enough outlet for my feelings
America Nov 2018
one of the things i'll never get over as a depressed person
is the feeling of utter e m p t i n e s s...
you don't know it till you feel it
and you don't feel it because it's absence of a feeling that you feel

suddenly nothing makes sense and you yearn for a pen to scribble your thoughts down on a piece of paper that you will never let anyone read anyways so what's the point

your questions stop having ?s at the ends of them and the threads in your heart are undoing themselves until you have annihilated your chances for sanity

you listen to music you wouldn't normally like to listen to, but your person of interest told you to listen to them so you do

and taking pills becomes a habit and sometimes you forget why you even take meds because i thought for a long time that feeling like a gray cloud 24/7 was normal until someone put it into a box and labeled it

"chronic depressive disorder"
me describing my experiences with depression once again. i don't do it to be edgy- i just need to cope sometimes.
America Nov 2018
it ***** that it feels like all the sentiments have stolen,
and as a poet,
i am restricted to comparing things to other things.

for an example:
today i was sitting on a bench
during a misty november night
watching a tv show on my phone
(because goodness knows
how much more i'd rather be
wasting my time
than actually doing things)
and suddenly i felt the need to love

and be loved

and that was crazy to me,
mainly because i hate love and love is stupid and mushy and unnecessary and everyone who has ever loved has died

but then listening to the weeknd suddenly made me sad again and i wished that i could be in his arms because, sure, they look like any other teenage boy's arms, but the fact that they're
HIS arms
makes me wish i was wrapped in them
like a present under the Christmas tree.
America Oct 2018
i am the moon but less beautiful
simply mirroring what is thrown my way

i am the moon
only a part of me is available for your eyes
the cold, shrouded depths of me are hidden away from you

you love the moon
because you love the scant silvery light
and not the bite that life has taken out of me
leaving me as a lonely crescent
America Oct 2018
the One thing i like about feeling down
is how the feelings in my chest
rip open the phosphorus coat on my
match of a heart
letting everything out with the beautiful destruction and chaos that comes with fire.

fire. fire. flames and fire. how magnificent a sight it is to see myself blow up into tiny shards of lava rock.
that's just how i'm feeling today.
America Aug 2018
a cactus and a boat
were millions of miles apart
when the boat suddenly smelled the danger and went all those miles to see the little cactus

the cactus had grown up hating affection
rejecting every single touch
and the boat was determined to change this

so the stupid stupid stupid boat went onto the land
and somehow got all the way to that cactus plant
and when it got there it expected a hug and all it got
was ****** arms and a broken heart
America Aug 2018
yesterday night, i know you saw the text bubble with the ellipses
and you must have been wondering
what the HECK i was typing
because i did a lot of backspacing and suddenly that text was
g o n e
and you never got the terrifying notification that would put all the weight of the world on your shoulders
as you read that the world's smallest soul had a thing for you!
you never got the text i was supposed to send when i was rocking back and forth within my own mind
trying to figure out how to own up to what i wanted to send

i wanted to send you a simple 3 words ( i like you )
and yet i did a lot of backspacing before i got the nerve and
now the moment is gone.
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