Im 18 now..
Yet all I wanted for my birthday was to disappear
Surrounded by laughing friends
Filled with hate
Is that a way to live a life?
******* at everything
Maybe another year will bring new answers
And not more problems

Id bring you a million roses
but they would weap at the fact
That they could never be
as beautiful as you

Its been raining all day today
Yet the only thing I can dream of
Is holding you in my arms
Kissing up your neck
And cuddling the night away

But sadly..
You are an ocean away
The girl I'm dreaming of
Yet cant even hold

The future only holds
A dream and a chance
And soon my darling
You shall be in my arms

I do not know why
I keep going
I should just jump off a bridge..
It would probably hurt less

I would rather
A breakdown
Than sitting here
Feeling so
Empty
And wanting to slit my wrists

I am not
The better of two evils
If you ever see me that way
Then I will be the worst evil
Just for you

You will never truely know
If the person you are talking to
Is real... or a mask

We live in a time where more and more people are suffering
Depression
Bipolar
ADHD
All kinds of mental illnesses
Masks are needed just to survive
Because like the illness
You get trapped in your head
Screaming for help as you mutter
"Im okay"
                                                                                               "just a cat scratch"
"Sorry, my sharpener is broken"
Fear paralizes those who want to reach out

"They are my friends"
                                                                              "They dont care about you"
"Ive known them my whole life!"
                                                                     "Yet they barley know you at all"

How can you help yourself when you cant even stop those voices?
The doubt and hopelessness whispering in your ear...
How can you be confident asking for help when people just leave?
Mental illness is a disease spreading across the world
No, We may not be able to cure
But we as people owe it to those suffering to recognize their pain
And to stay and help those we can
Everyone deserves a saving grace

All work
And no play
Makes me a dull boy
Maybe then
Ill take this blade
And run it across your thigh
Up up up
Across that throat
Let the blood drain
From that pretty little face
On now that would not be dull

You sat there, trying to convince me
Make me believe in you
That you wanted to do something
Fix things
Gain some kind of redemption
Then the next day came
And you had given up
What the hell is wrong with you?
There is no redeeming
How can you expect that when you think this is trying
That bad taste, just gets worse and worse
And I just get let down
more and more

My words
They are meaning less
I can make you believe I care
Just to leave you in despair
I cant help but laugh when you make that face
Is that heartbreak speckled in your eyes?
On darling I just love that sight

But then
My words are hollow
When I tell you its fine
I don't care
I don't mind
I'm not hurt
I wont cry
No no it is fine, I didnt believe you for a second
I wasnt hopeful
I know just how cold this is

We're all beautiful inside

Do you know about the Big Bang?
How everything was once so highly compacted
Did you know that matter can not be created or destroyed?
Every piece of you, every particle, was once something else
You were dust
Stars
Spread across the world
Think about it, how much effort went into making you
Even with the imperfections every human has
Your very being was made perfectly
Beautiful
When someone says you don't matter
If you just can't stop crying on those lonely nights
When you just feel so invisible and little
Remember
Every particle of you had to be there to make you
Your very being is timeless
You are made of matter
Just like the beautiful stars in the sky
Just like the swirling galaxy's and supernovas
You are just as important
You matter
Don't ever forget

I'm a lonely person at heart, searching for my other

I feel empty, hollow
A dead tree has more inside than I
Another empty meat suit
Pretending to be man

We're not damaged goods
Maybe we're just lonely people

I do not want to talk
I want to feel better
Be it cuddles
Kissing
*******
Anything
I'm going to ***** up getting there
Make mistakes and lose people
Hopefully it's worth it

I desire you
To know you
Every last piece
To be the arms you run to
The lips you long for
I want to kiss you
Bite you
Tease you
And leave you begging for more

I've been feeling more alone lately
Its sad, that when we really need someone
Is when they are never there

I am your pain
And I am your cyanide
I am your death
But that was implied

People, we should all burn
We poison this world and each other
Simply because we are unhappy.
Yet we have the ***** to say
We're good people
While we hold blades
To the throats of those around us
The only cure to this disease
Is a culling.

I don't expect you to stay
I don't expect you to care
But I will always be here for you
In the brightest days
Or blackist nights

I am nothing
I can though, be anything
So then
Use me
Make me anything
What you want
What you need
What you crave
What you desire
What you hate
I crave this
So please, just give me this chance to be something
Anything

Its a vicious ******* cycle
One of us treats the other like ****
They get angry and we fight
Then we have goes at each other and sort our **** out
******* does it hurt
Not being able to talk to you
Hear your voice or just see you
I always hold my arms open for you
And we always end in an embrace
Just because we are in a cycle
Doesn't make it bad love

I hate you more often than not
All the time, you ***** me over
Yet I am the bad guy
You make plans with me
Just to tell me no at the last minute
Anything 'bad' I do is terrible
But you do it and it is acceptable
Its *******
Your *******
*******

And still...
still...
I care about you
And I will put myself
Through this crap
To make you happy
Because I love you

Hello
My name is... Well it's not important
I have.. Problems
Anger management and addiction
I sometimes lose control of myself
I haven't had an inicident where I have
Hurt anyone physically in a while
Instead.. I use my words.. I can be quite the *******
I am slowly gaining control
It's a battle
Hopefully I get better

My other problem
Addiction
I am addicted to a girl
Some of you laugh yes
But this is a serious problem... Love
I am in love with a girl, who doesn't love anything
Not me, not herself, nothing
I make her giggle and my cheast feels like it will explode
I want to be part of her life
Her lover and friend
*** fiend and rock
I know I could be too
Oh lord give me strength
Give me words and wisdom
Knowledge
To win her heart through and through
And help her feel the world around her

I.. well I hate myself
I hate that I crave you
I hate that I cant move on
I hate that things aren't working
I hate everything
I hate being alone
I hate being

But I also love
I love you
I love the way you look
I love the way you talk
I love the memories we have
I love being near you
I love the way you make me feel

I'm just your ***** little secret
Something you want
But are ashamed of having
I'm meant to be there when you want me
And that's it.
Nothing more
All I am is your ***** little secret

I just want to matter to you
And treated like that

I can be a real ******* sometimes
I get angry at silly little things
I don't always listen
I won't always do what I say
And I wish I could change that
But I don't think it's possible
I just hope I can be forgiven
And make things better

I'm tired of the same *******
I want to live a proper life
Not this melancholy crap
**** the people who want to stick their noses where they don't belong
They can keep their crap to themselves
I want to love
I want to make love
I want to be passionate
I ******* want you

If I had it my way you would love me everyday
Just like I love you everyday
But sadly happy endings are only in stories
In real life the endings are always the hard part

I don't want to be a secret
I want to be shown off
I want you to want to tell people about me
I want you to want me..
I know you care
At least seem too
But I want you to be proud of it
Not ashamed because people are arseholes.

"you are not just a secret
you are a secret worth keeping"
Yeah. *******. Right

Dont feed me that crap
Not when you are just going to
Make me feel like **** for wanting to talk to you
You never ******* change
And I am stuck loving you
Yet I wouldn't have it any other way
Being your toy is better than not having you around at all

When you are far away
I always feel alone
Like a part of me
Is always carried with you
The inky time I get any relief
Is when I see a message
Or hear your sweat voice
And no matter what mood I'm in
I always end up high with you
An ecstasy I can't give up
I don't wont to either

I'm starting to feel less and less
oh your sad? I couldn't care less
I know I should be worried
No one else nor I care though

I'm falling out of love
less and less I love you each day
Eventually I will just disappear
I wonder if you will care then
..only the future can tell...

If it is suicide you are after
I have a family recipe
it's slow and painful..
you would like it

I care about you
A great deal
No one cares more..
Not him though.
You are just some prize
You disagree with the lifestyle but make excuses to stay
When all he sees in you is someone to be there
for him to use and have, a trophy

I know we have problems
I get angry
Your friends and family hate me
But being with someone just because of what everyone else wants
Is just a stupid thing that will eat you up darling.

I miss you
The cuddles
The kisses
having someone who cared for me
I wish I could cuddle with you again
Just hold you, or lie in bed together
I know you need it now
Just like I did then
So come darling
Leave your troubles behind and embrace me

It started with a spark
A fleeting amber
Sometimes we fanned it together
Other times you left me to keep it going.
It grew... blazed brilliantly
then you left me with this blaze
and walked away as I burned
God did I burn
It was as painful as you are beautiful

Get angry with me
yell at me, hit me
do your worse.
no matter what happens I will always love you.
I will always be there
I mean look at you.. how could I say no?
We can fight and make up
what is not to love?