You were there before I ever wrote
Long before I ever smoked
You knew me before they did
All of em
You saw me change
As a stranger
Far away from all my mishaps and danger
You saw the side effects of pills too hard to swallow
You knew me before I had ever had my heart broken
Before I had my thoughts stolen by harsh words spoken

Before the scars


I remember breaking a window.
All I did was knock.
You were inside with the lock engaged
A boxed in cage
I could not just stay out of

Not too long after that night the seven or more blocked the door and I applied more than an appropriate amount of lotion that his corneas adorned
Immature?
Maybe but it may be I was scared

Scared enough to knock so hard
I obtained my first scar in the front yard of a Heritage Pointe apartment


You knew me when your world got tossed into a cold wind
My sole friend in an inconsolable state
The thirteenth the date, at least I think, my birthday was late
The drive home was too long in the stone cold silence in the wake of unfathomable violence
I loved you enough to feel empathy for the first time
My sister just not in blood usually just said she was fine like some corny degrassi line with true emotions deep in holding in the circus of your mind
But here you were crying
A sign of a signing away of youth
I watched as you grew

Our lives are a sitcom and we've lost the remote
And pretty much all hope of ever calling it quits
We're as stuck as it gets
Family runs thick

We knew each other before we became moms and dads
Back when we we're all we had
You were Daddy Yankee, I was  more Kanye West
But we always went well together, Sister you're the best

You played doctor when I needed you
         Then passed as I held on
  You left abruptly at the crack of a smile
         And always hung above, loose yet binding, in a moment of grief
            You take life away with each successive sunset
      And you've always been before we ever gave you a name.

*My greatest enemy, my only friend.

Frost on your window
     Heartbeat off tempo
     Don't wanna open the door too scared what you're in for
     You've been here before
     But it's never hit so close to home
     You don't know if you need to be held
     Or just be left alone

But come in girl, I swear it's warm inside
If you can't take it baby, we'll both go hide
Tell me what you're thinking, I've been around
In a room full of frowns, you still put it down

     Calls on your phone
     Letters at home
     They used to not talk, now they've missed you so long
     But they just can't make it
     Their time has been taken
     And your stuck here waiting
     Circumstances won't change just

*Let me in girl, I promise, just confide
I can take it, I've got nothing to hide
Tell me what you been thinking, baby I've been around
In a room full of frowns, I'll still hold you down

I mainlined your love
   And became hooked on the spot
        You're too powerful a feeling
For just one shot

I fell into being high from every available source
When I ran out of drugs I ransacked the lives of people i'd known before

Kisses became my ******
Touching is now *******
Making love is like making ****
The process all the same

Talking to the mirror I done learned some things
  About self preservation
Who I see myself as and if I'll make it
          I stand here naked
With no protection
    Just my reflection coaching me
      All I see is these scars
Vanity lights reminiscent of cars approaching me
     I traffick myself in words
You read every inch from the drivers side
A little sniff
My standard's stiff and I'm firm handed when I write
Guess it comes out ******* white
                            Paper
Lines later I'm in the shower sitting on the floor
The water hits and I'm gripping on the door but I'm slipping trying to soar
I can't escape, can't fly away
But I've given so much of myself there's not enough to sell
I can't reup on myself
      So I'll stand here staring at my face
And figure how to keep what's left of my heart in it's place.

Kneeling down
        Speaking to God
        His black eyes scream forgiveness
        The sound gives me goosebumps

    You see
                  I've done things most would consider a bit unusual
  But I've always deserved it
     A razorblade horizontally drug across my lips reminded me to never talk back
     Embedding shards of glass in my legs one by one reminded me to never run away from my problems
              
            After everyone died there were questions I could never say the real answer to
          
        You were there to hear the truth, always were
        Beside me, behind me, beneath me
    You never loved me enough to be inside, but it was ok because your mystique kept me inebriated

    The questions never stopped the rooms got smaller and I had to run
       I had to leave. You came with me

    I hated myself for not staying. And when the pieces of glass weren't enough, I understood I deserved a worse punishment, I lit a cigarette and started my trusty chainsaw
   And after I was finished even you shrunk away from me, my flat friend made of blackness where did you go?

       Now all I have is God.
He listens okay, but he's not like you. With my decimated body leaning against my bed, I look into his two deep dark hollow eyes, I bring his eyes closer, into my mouth, and finally he talks back. He says *bang