He held my hand today.
Never had my hand been held before.
In that moment,
The worries stopped.
Reality faded.
And it was as if he held the weight of the world just as he held my hand.

Hey Dad,
It's been some time since we last spoke. I miss you, still. I'm writing to ask that you pass a message on to Mom for me. She never was one for sentimental stuff; but you know that, already.

Tell Mom that she is missed by all of her children; we miss her especially on this, her first Mother's Day away. I will miss not calling or seeing her. I missed sweating over what to get her this year. I miss her voice those times when I just needed to hear it; the first time that Noah had an ear infection, those times that I needed to know what was wrong with my roses. She always seemed to have the right answer no matter what. Just like you.

Tell Mom that I'm doing well. I've stopped drinking. I know she never liked that. Tell her that Noah is graduating from High School next month. You both were always so proud of him. He misses both of you very much. You should see him now, Dad. He's as tall as I am. As tall as you. He has grown into a good man; he is a lot like you in many ways. Noah sends his love to you both.

Well, I just wanted to say hello, and ask that you tell Mom that I love her. Tell her that I understand. It was time. She missed you. You were waiting up in the high pasture for quite awhile.  I'll let you go, now. I know that you two still have a lot of catching up to do.

Hugs to Mom.

                         Love,
                         Rick

r ~ 5/11/14

"I don't deserve you,"* you say to me
Just as you'd said a million times before.
You're the best person I've ever met,
I know because of the feeling in my chest
When your words become too serious,
And you want your hurt to end so badly
That you're willing to go away with it.

Your phone is just a dead end
But I'll keep trying until I can't,
Which shouldn't be long now because
My head has never pounded so loudly
And neither has my heart,
And I can't see the numbers I'm dialing
Through the heavy pools between my eyelids.

I've never been so afraid of anything
In my life.
I'm in just a small room of all the world,
And yet most of it is only filled with you.
And I'm crying in my room and
I didn't think I'd ever be afraid to think that
You might be done crying in yours.

Each bare-footed step in the grass
Feels the dew that garnered while your eyes were closed,
And each night I count the stars that died
Only to shine through your window and give you something beautiful
to look at.
The tree in my front yard grows for you
And the initials we carved into its bark refuse to heal.
The sigh as I fall asleep and the dress that hangs upon my shoulders and wraps around my waist does so for you and only you.

Everything I want is you
And everything you are, you hate.
And I want to convince you to love you,
Even more than I want to convince you to love me.

Can't you see that the sun only rises to see your face?
Don't you know that the crickets only chirp when they know that you're listening?
And how is it that you aren’t blinded by the reflection of your light in every room that you illuminate?

I didn't want to make you feel bad

when I told you that the scariest moment 
of my life
was in those long hours of
 not knowing
whether or not the best part 
of my world was still a part of the world.
I just wanted you to realize how bad 
it would be if you weren’t.

You're sure that as hard as you look,
you can't see anything in you that's worth loving.
Please don't give up.
Because any direction I glance,
the something worth loving in you is my only view.