It was the numbing kind of feeling

the feeling you get when the senses in your limbs when they’ve been starved of blood or oxygen

The kind where it prickles whenever you move

It was the kind of sensation
ghat was felt throughout the whole body

Not in one spot
Not in the general area
but so, like
it was everywhere
it felt like your whole body
was imploding with too little oxygen

****

But you don’t scream
nor shout

Nor a whisper will
pass your lips
just the shear horror
at why you even reacted at all….

The blade against my skin was
So tempting,
flirtatious and teasing

The blade pressed on my skin
felt so smooth, so clean, so close
to piercing through
A barrier I’d never thought to break

The blade upon my skin
touched a nerve
that i didn’t have to explore
as i roamed it before

The blade’s sharpness on my skin
just scratching the surface
begging to feel deeper inside me
to feel the warmth I never saved

The blade dripping in wealth
which I never shared
not even to myself
But I let it all bleed out

The blade i gripped to my skin
never felt colder than the hand
I held to myself
To be accountable for a crime I committed

it doesn’t do anything
i hope, at least
it felt really nice
like that itch lingering around
so i just scratched myself
which helped sometimes
but most of the times it felt useless
no matter how hard i try i just
felt useless
use it or lose as they say
so i think i’ll use it for worse
and lose it for the better
because after i address myself
you will no longer be need my assistance
i don’t live for me
i live for them and them only
because my purpose in this world is
indefinite
indefinite as the job of a flower which is
to survive harsh seasons and wait bitterly for the nicer ones
because as time goes by they live for others and grow for others
which **** near impossible and
too simple of a job to have

i found it
i found it in the reflection of the cigarette ashes floating
in a pool of wine that laid next to me

i found it at the end of my chewed up nails with chipped varnish
and dirt within them

i found it amongst the blacked out  T.V.

i found it beneath my rotten teeth and decaying gums

i found it hidden between the legs of another

i found it underneath a dust ridden bed holding dead rodents as hostages

i found it amongst other things
but i couldn’t find it beating in my chest, grabbing a breath from the next one, like picking off a fruit from a vineyard, almost religiously

i couldn’t find it behind my dirt ridden eyes, forever washing away with each droplets of tears

i couldn’t find carved on my rib or engrained on my skull that has a build up of discarded flesh and muscle

i found it before...
so what’s to stop me from finding it now?...

I wonder what it’s
like to be submerged
underneath all that water
whilst your blood rushes
to your head
while you struggle for
another single gasp of
breath.
While you silently
drown underneath all
the wasted air
trapped in the bubbles
whilst they float to
the top?
Could you feel your
own scream against
your own throat
rising to your head
and feel it forming
in your ears
and it would just
be you?
Just you floating, drifting, wondering, carelessly through
the vast uninhabitable
ocean.
All the while you feel
your own heartbeat
in your chest rising
to your head and feel
it throbbing in your ears.

I wonder.

It was like a red
silk ribbon
That wrapped around
my hand flowing
over each vein,
wrinkles and gaps
that were available
and tied a bow
at my wrist
it was so pretty
that I let it
hold onto me
where ever I went
but one day I felt a loss
The loss of a feeling
in one of my fingers.
others suggested I cut it off,
another said to take it
off.
But only a few
people knew whilst
all the others
admired its beauty
like I did.
It did cause me pain
from time to time but
I always forgive it.
I sometimes see the
marks it left behind on
my skin.
I kept telling myself,
“don’t worry, it’s nothing
too major, it will heal soon”
But there I laid
wounded and tired
reclusive and timid
distant and lonely
sad and conflicted.
Your bounds on me
got tighter and tighter
and tighter
and tighter
as the
years went
on.
I was worried about
every move I made
every sound I said
every looks I had
every time, all the
time.
One day I had enough,
because you went too far
and hurt everyone I
care for.
I couldn’t salvage our
friendship, but only miss it
as the hour went by.
So I ripped off that silky
ribbon
Strand by strand
until there was none left to pick at

I am sorry for the pain I’ve caused and I forgive you in return. But I cannot let you latch onto me again where it does no one good.