I imagine you calm,
A sentient being.
The world to which you bow to unfolding before your eyes, a kind of rapturing. Finally unwinding to reveal the truth it has always held: you are tired and the rain seems to never stop long enough to let you empty,
It pours,
Endlessly. Leaving streams into which you drown.
It perches atop your shoulders, this tiredness, chirping songs not of succor, not of hope but a call to your final moments. A ministration.
To a resting place you do not know.

Please do not answer.

I wrote you a love note
It said too much of me,
I set it aflame.

Native in the hearts of your children you are.
Embedded deeply in their soil, spawning fertile seeds only to bid farewell too soon.
Your roots firmly rooted,
solidifying your solid stance. Imprinted your features in all of us, all just sketches of the you you used to be.
They tell tales of an antique casanova who once was,
a man who loved dearly for an eternity that lasted a few heartbeats.
I used to draw you in the margins of my notepad,
pretending I remembered more than your smile.
But I was fond of the man who took part in my creation,
the man whose name I carry with pride,
the man who gave me a family,
the man my mother fell for.
Words I never uttered come close to mind,
I'd mean them if I said them out loud.
But here, among bent, wilting trees you lay, forever.
We're standing on the ground reserved for souls bygone, transfusing memories of you in one beautiful picture.


We love you,
I love you


Here's to you, father.

**18/02/1961--01/10/2009

I wrote my way out of the dark pages of my life.
I know what it's like to see your life hanging by a thread;
scraping your skin with your fingernails to stop yourself from crying;
weaving scars on your skin to get some high out of life.

Smiling on the outside, but tearing up on the inside.
I've been there,
disguising last rites as declarations of love;
holding out for that one guy for some unjust reason.
I was once told I was beautiful on the inside,
I used to scoff at that thought.
I couldn't be beautiful,
my metaphorical skin was sewed and patched, ruined and defiled
and there was nothing beautiful about that.
It took me a while to see that beauty for myself.
I was once that one girl sitting in corner at midnight
contemplating suicide over family tiffs, unrequited love, loss, loneliness, and every other
stuff that I couldn't deal with.
I can't look at my left wrist
without feeling some sort of disgust because of the tallies of pain
I left behind.

I had this habit of saying 'I'm always good' whenever asked
but I got tired of seeing illusions as reality,
I was tired of escaping my own life. I was not okay and I needed help.

I wish somebody had told me
this sooner:

MELANCHOLY IS NOT TRENDY, DEPRESSION IS NOT COOL,
CUTTING IS NOT A FASHION STATEMENT
SADNESS IS NOT ATTRACTIVE

It's actually sad that we,
teenagers,
advertise sadness as if it's something to be proud of.  

YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL
YOU DON'T NEED VALIDATION FROM PEOPLE
DON'T LET HIM TELL YOU HE LIKES YOU BETTER WHEN YOU'RE BROKEN.
NO, SCARS DO NOT MAKE YOU ATTRACTIVE
SOME SCARS AREN'T WORTH HAVING
CRAZY IS NOT ****
**** IS NOT ALWAYS ****** SHEDDING A FEW KILOS WON'T MAKE HIM LIKE YOU ANY MORE THAN HE DOES
UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DON'T HEAL --words I wish I'd  heard sooner

You are not broken beyond repair

YOU ARE A PHOENIX,
A PHOENIX MUST BURN TO EMERGE.

When we look into today,
*Do our minds dial back to 16 June '76 to envision the torment
Our fallen heroes endured?

Is your vision blurred?
Mine isn't.

Their fight was just,
It was sacrificial
One by one they perished
But, even with blood and sweat slipping
Through their trembling fingers
They did not falter

They pushed boundaries
In order to create opportunities

They had a burning desire
For something greater,
For freedom
The freedom that we now bask in
Like it's just another day of leisure

"The youth of today are the leaders
of tomorrow", they say

Look in the mirror,
Are you really the leader of tomorrow?
Do you fit somewhere in that statement?

Me: No

Do we have the will to stand
Firm for what's right,
Against what's wrong
Or do we clam up, let the
Truth escape through broken doors?

We feed the stereotypes,
We fit perfectly into the stereotypes
We've been dubbed insubstantial,
Not layered, and one dimensional
What are we really after?
What are we doing to change that perspective?
No- what am I doing to change that??

Ask yourself, what would the
world have lost if you were not born?

Me: Nothing

But there are those who
understand that the meaning of "struggle"
Goes beyond the dictionary definition,
Those who look at the world
With crystal clear eyes
Those looking to make a difference
Those looking for a difference

We may be in freedom,
but we're not free at all
The chains are still bound to our
Wrists binding us from reaching
Out to the sun,
The chains are still tied to our
Feet hindering us from going further

We can stand united
Against the ****** government,
Against illiteracy,
Against poverty,
Against pointless wars,
Against abuse.
We can clench up our fists,
Ready to fight for what others
Led way for

I am, by no means, a beacon of
Hope (hypocrisy at it's best)
I'm uninformed, like they say
Ignorance is bliss
But I am not proud of it

We've come far since '94
We still can go further

"Together we can do more"

Falling in love is as
beautiful as watching
the sun shining on the rain
in Spring
An ineffable yearning,
Is serendipity,
A blissful sorrow,
Is not lucid.

Falling in love is  
picking shards of
broken glass knowing
you'll bleed,
Is a veritable tornado,
The eye of a hurricane
flattening everything in
it's path
And it doesn't abate


It's roller-coaster you must ride

Only to throw up after.

Within me you found
A home that welcomed
Every bit of pain,
Every bit of dry,
Dark stained rose,
And drank from the cup of
Melancholy with content
But I am not stoic

The honey laced lies which
Escaped
Your bitter mouth found
Refuge in me,
And still I,
I foolishly gave you my all

Your hands are barb wired
That you can't touch without
Making me bleed,
What's love without pain?
Snow white sclera perfected
By a black dot runs after
My dreams evey **** day
You'd think you'd at least
Have the decency to leave
My dreams the hell alone

Your love doesn't gratify,
At least not like it used to
Apologies don't grate faults
No matter how much you
Adorn them with excuses

These eyes of mine
Have seen
Beyond the imaginary lines of being,

A broken heart mend over the written word shared by those whose wisdom has surpassed time,

Beautiful sunsets painted over gray lines by poets who know that you'll never know the true meaning of joy without a little pain paving the way.

I have wandered in the caves of those who dare to etch their souls on paper, and shun their thoughts to wondering eyes,

To give meaning to the lives of many, direction to the gypsey, and a mender for the torn,

Walked more than a mile in shoes of so many to find the quintessence of broken glasses, the epitome of troubled souls, and the essence of being,

Beautiful melodies that soothe the soul through the ears of a deaf man,

The rhythm of a heart in love that sickens the soul, invades the thoughts and leaves every inch of the body longing,

A memory of a love so precious, unforgettable that it's fragrance lingers still from a distant memory,

And when all is lost and plundered,
Your words are like a thread that sews patch after patch across my torn silhouette


It's a pleasure
To have read so many inspiring, beautiful and heartfelt poetry in here.

I've often wondered if sometimes, if at all
There's a part of you-even if just a tiny bit
That resents me for the things I've taken away
Without your knowledge
It's justifiable you know,
I'll understand if you do
I mean I resent me too at times
I wouldn't blame you

But you, with eyes wide closed,
Heart open look beyond all of me
And I realize,

Things aren't always black and white
There's a thin line in between
Harboring all that's good within,
Looking beyond the imperfections,
And it's you.
You're the warm blanket we all need,
A perpetual calendar of inspiration for me
And most.
Let your aspirations guide to better things,
Be drawn to success like a moth to a flame,
Careful not to burn your wings,
Or to let people step on your cape
You're more than what you see in the mirror
The love you have within you radiates
To form an everlasting echo that transcends
Beyond definition
Finding reflections of each other in our hearts
And that's where , not anywhere else
We'll keep each other safe, warm and protected
For someday, this is all we'll have-memories

I met someone like you
In a sense that he possessed the same
Spirit as you,
With old passion that boils for the written word
See, he had the fire you had
The kind that enflames the heart,
Engulfs every part of the body,
The bright yellow that means destruction for those who dare to
Envision what lies behind the concrete walls

But he, better.
With a soul that lusted for the truth in things, only to find the truth couldn't be found in things we saw but in what we felt
But you wanted to see what could only be felt

I did meet someone like you,
Only he had a tenderness your hands couldn't have ever known,
Your heart wouldn't have bothered to attempt to give, or attempt to accept
Your mind wouldn't have fathomed-it goes against your illogical logic
(Narcissists aren't emotional when it doesn't concern them)
And your eyes couldn't see though wide open, because your heart is closed

He looked at me like the astronomers had conspired with the stars for me to find him,
For him to find me
And they aligned perfectly
As if the ancestors had boiled our blood in a clay *** to forge an unbreakable bond,
And like the 10 rules of life, written on stone and sealed with the love of Him

I guess what I'm saying is,
I met someone better than you

Your words are pebbles
That disrupt the sleeping seas
In the depth of my soul
Causing tidal waves I can
Only drown in

Darkness creeps up in the crimson
Dyed room in shades of blue black
I still hear his sultry voice
Echoing in the back of my mind
"Well, No" was deafening
And my heart sunk at the sound
Of those two simple words

Perhaps the torrential rain
Will erode the predicaments that have Accumulated in the
Depths of my internal

A flash of lightning lightens
The room and the pungent odor
Of history lingers like stale potatoes

A happy, but blurry past
Buried under a thick foliage of Tears re-surfaces and my heart
Sinks even more deeper

My night full of confusion,
The whirlwind of thoughts
Impairing my mind,
Words that escaped his lips
Are the eye of Tropical Cyclones
Cascading down on me.
An indecent dream flares out like Petals of wild flower,
And eyes once starry
Now bleed black ink tears.

Fear remains, as it always does
When lightning bolts blend in
With the wails of a broken heart
And my walls are crumbling down

This madness to love
Stealthy is almost suicidal

Temptations and
Intentions blurred in a
World where you are mine

Pervesity is seductive
But honesty ruins the ambiance
You are forbidden

Why dwell on the comfort
Of dusting off the adversity
That profane the corners
Of our compartments

When we can
Call upon courage
And write for those
Without the strength to crawl out
Of the hollow caves
They live in?

               You
                  And
                    I
Are blessed with the curse of
Seeing beyond the masquerades
Of others
That it becomes haunting not
To tap into their souls

And wander in the
Caves of their minds
To find the reason behind
The warped interior,

The vague, and sometimes
Vivid Answers to
           Why
They're sinking in
Self imposed darkness,
      
          
They feel they're slaves
To and in liberation,

        
They feel they can't be forgiven
For the sins they
Unintentionally created,

      
They feel so empty and hollow
And dead within that there's
Nothing, but dead spaces
Between heart beats,
  
        
They're engulfed in
Flames that they're turning
Everything they caress to ash

With every bit of
                 Taste,
                 Touch,
                 Smell
                
Lulling us into euphorias
Where fragments of
             Sound,
               Images,
                 Fragrances,
                  Thoughts,
Compound to a jungle of words
That we lose ourselves in,
Perhaps then,
We become a tad bit closer
To finding
Ourselves,
Perhaps.

"When you scraped your
Paint brush across my canvas,
The acrylics left
Nothing but a beautiful disaster"

I'm staring out the taxi window
Watching the droplets of rain
Hit the ground in agony
The wailing sound of the
Clouds rubbing against
Each other in sync with the cry
Within me
I am NOT sad; neither am I happy
I just didn't see you today
And I feel as if I'm missing
A huge part of me
We haven't even spoken
I don't know the sound of
Your voice
But I know the beaming smile
That catches my eye every
Time I get to campus
The radiance in your eyes
That somehow manages to
Travel in the medium of air
And seeps in my veins
To become something deeper
And more meaningful

It's YOUR happiness that
Glints from afar that
I am missing

Diving in the abyss
Of your blue eyes
The waves of love that
Had longed
To crash upon me
Reared up high
And gulped me

Watch as the sun
Slowly slides over the horizon
Leaving behind a touch of
Pearly pinks, dusky purples
And vibrant hues of red
Ah there,
Battered dreams quickly wither
Darkness settles in,
The crystal envoys
Paint a portrait of
Pure serenity



Hope is reborn
Our destinies are within our
Reach as our dreams soon
Come to realization
It's a beautiful ambiance
And the solid gold
Paints over the Eastern side
And it's overwhelming beauty
Is welcomed by those
With expectations of
Bettering their present

I watch as moonlight
Sinks into the shadows
Burning eyes
As I stare at the starry night

Yet the light
Recalls memories of happy
Strolls under the dancing stars
How I wish I could tell him
Nothing has altered the course
Of the passion that burns
Spontaneously

My soul longs for the boy
Who once painted beautiful
Portraits of love on my canvas
And I realize I would gladly
Batter my hopes of heaven
For a moment to call him
Mine again

After a few flings
I'm starting to wonder
If I'm feeling nostalgic
'Cause their kisses
Taste like yours,
I see your smug face
Plastered across each
One of their haunting faces
And their voices are
Starting to sound like yours

And I can't get high
Enough to rid myself of the
Flavor of your kisses
Or your memory
That burns my eyelids
Evey time I close my eyes
But I've learned to
Keep them open

My body has become
A landmine
Waiting to explode
With one flimsy touch
I'll turn every substance
In the vicinity black

I'd apologise
But he doesn't love me
He's just in love with
The idea of being with me
Lust so rich,
Tracing the curves of my body
He leaves no inch
Unexplored leaving his
Fingerprints all over my skin
Watching him turn to ash
Wouldn't be such a bad idea
Then he'd know
Where I'm coming from

"I'm sorry, forgive me"
"I'll never raise my hand at you
I swear"
"I love you"

These bruises on my face that
I tried to conceal are finally
Wearing me
Not all the make-up in the
World can beautify the tallies
Of your anger that adorn my
Skin

Your heart beats anger
And it courses through your veins
Pulps of blood I tried
To hide with layers of clothes
Have finally stained
And I can't lie anymore

You call this love?
Is love the purple bruises
Plastered across my pale skin
That have been left behind
By the velvety hands I used
To yearn for?

You love me
It's okay
I should not be afraid
You were just blowing
Off steam
You love me

I've been swimming in this
Pool of denial long enough
To know that I can't really
Swim, I'm drowning
And my feet are firmly
Fixed on the ground

I am afraid of
The monsters lurking
Behind the iris of your pupil
The demons that lurk
Behind your shadows

I haven't seen my mother
In a few months
I'm scared she'll see behind
The facade I put on
She'll tell me
"Baby, you need to leave"
And I don't want to leave
He doesn't want me to leave

My head has been banged
Across the kitchen walls
More than it has been raised
These walls have been repainted
Repainted, and repainted
My scalp has been snatched
More times that I've cared to
Admit

I'm ashamed to say
I've traded parts of me
For shambles of trust,
A lot of bruises,
Rough ***,
Infatuation,
And called it love

You are deckled with stars
My crystal habitue of the night
Not even my greatest
Lines give a glimpse
Of the light you are

Your touch is the fire
Within me that burns
The bright yellow that is
Not even a wisp of
The flame that's in your eyes

The quintessence of my night,
Your shadow sparks perhaps
What should be left dead
The essence of my night
Stands beside me
As the orange glows
And illuminates his face

You have the beauty
That enflames the heart
And enchants the soul
Within, don't hide it

Society's standards
Are ridiculous
The media's portrayal
Of what beauty is biased
We spend out of our means
To wear such and such labels
Wear pounds of make-up,
Starve ourselves,
Because who we look in
The mirror is not what
We see on tv?

What is beauty?
Is it the texture of my hair?
Is it the hue of my skin?
Is it my ethnicity?
Is it my weight?
What is beauty?

Black is beautiful
White is beautiful
Hispanic is beautiful
Asian is beautiful
Bi/multi racial is beautiful
You're beautiful
We're beautiful
We don't need society's
Validation
No, we don't need to
Be deemed perfect by society
In actual fact, it's standards
Are unatainable
So why do we strive for
Something we know is
Only an illusion?

Do we realize the impact
That media has in shaping
The way the millennium
Generation
Thinks, and behaves?
We demand change,
But we're the same people
Tuning in to the same
Shows that we protest about

We've become so engulfed
In the world of entertainment
That the word has lost
Meaning itself
Heck, I'm 18
I'm guilty of this too
Entertainment is no longer
Just that- it's crotch grabbing,
Glorified drug, alcohol abuse
And yet, we wonder why
Majority of
My generation has no substance,
No depth, and no layers

We no longer aspire to be
The Obamas, the Ghandis,
The Mandelas and so on
No! That has long passed
The 'American Dream' has
Become Kim Kardashian
And Kanye West

In all honesty,
We are our surroundings
You want change?
Let's stop watching reality tv
Maybe then these networks
Will stop producing more trash
Let's instill morals
In our children
And help them discover
The fire that burns inside
Them, the beauty within

I told you my story
Because you looked like
You could deal with it
I told you about my demons
You said they were
Barbies compared to yours
I was enveloped in your life
For months that seemed
Like forever
But now your hands
Are clutched on to hers
Like lovers at the parking lot,
Just as something in me knew
You would find your way
Back to her heart
Still, you're the song I keep singing
The poem I keep writing
And I don't know why
She's a sight to see, so are
I shouldn't have kissed you
I shouldn't have believed you
When u told me she was your past.
The no love lost in your eyes
That I saw was only
A strong illusion
Because  your fingers are
Now coiled with hers,
And you lock your gaze upon her Magnificent beauty as if she was a Kaleidoscope of rich,
Mesmerizing luminary
Never once taking notice of
The dark, tall skinny girl
Standing across you;
Solidifying my insignificance.
You're sheltered in one heart
And I'm left to wonder
If I ever meant
Anything to you
The brutal reality
Leaving me with shreds
Of illusions of love
To you
We never happened

With eyes closed
As if blindness was a blessing
As ears prepare
To listen to the melody
Of a heart in tune

Feel the heartbeat in my mind
It beats according
To your thoughts
You are tucked in between
The spaces of my pumping arteries
You are etched in my blood
Every molecule I am made
Out of is made out of you

You opened my percadium
Slid through the walls
Of my heart,
And leaped forth without
Hesitation
Making a home out of
What was once rejected

Open your eyes love,
Let this melody will flow
Through your veins
Let it manifest the love it
Withholds
Feel each and every
Word project unto you
What I feel inside

These words I have
Summoned to at best
Give an idea of the
Depth of my emotions,
And I do realise they have failed
At their purpose – for that I apologise

I lost the most important
Pieces of my life
In a one year span

Mom's sickness was eating
Her alive
I could see it draining
The life out of her
She lost the sparkle in her eyes
Her skin attached itself
To her bones
And she couldn't hold on
Any longer
Her death was like a shock
That spun me around
And I lost it
When I lost her

Father, I barely knew
I didn't cry on 10.10.09
I couldn't
I watched as his coffin
Silently buried itself underneath
I watched as they threw dirt
On what was left of him
That auto wreck took him away
It took him away
He left so many flowers
That I somehow resent
Cause he grew them
He grew them, not me

I was left with a woman
Who swore under oath
And to my mother's dying eyes
That she would protect me
Lord, if this is what they call
Protection
Then what has the world come to?

Try waking up in a house
Knowing you are not wanted
So many of my nights
Are spent crying because she
Tears me apart
I am not perfect
But I was Mom's little angel
It would **** her
To say 'you did well'
It would **** her
To ask about my wellbeing

Sometimes when the pressure
Raises it's ugly head
She'd tell me

"I am not your mother
You know where your mother
And father are buried
You'll go and live there!!!"

She reminds me that
I am not and will never be
Good enough for her each time
She gets a chance to
What did I do to her?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why did Mom leave me?

Suicidal thoughts
Are forever present
I've tried it several times
One would save me all times
Once,
I dumped bottles of her
Sleeping pills down my throat
All I could hear was the
Sound of my own faint voice
Chanting

"Wake up you idiot,
Wake up before you sleep
Forever!"

Once,
I slit my wrists to
Drain the blood off my veins
My brother found me
Lying unconscious on the
Bedroom corner and aided me

Once,
I wore black and sat at the road
At midnight
A woman stopped and told me
I had so much to live for
That the future had gifts

Existing, but not living
Breathing air that does nothing
But inflate my lungs
Will anything ever take
The pain away?
This is not life

This has been going on
For 5 years now
Her words are like bullets
That pierce through
My rib cage and rock me
To my core
Inflicting her insanity on me
One would think
She's highly sadistic

I try to hold on,
Really I do
But my faith is in shambles
I struggle to believe
That I have a purpose
And all I'm holding onto
Are tatters of memories
Of what once was

The valet I pleasure today
Oblivious to the frigid weather,
His warm fingertips
Ran through my bare back,
My body rippled with pleasure
Holding his gaze
I felt his manhood
Against my sensitized skin
His touch was sensuous
His voice was seductive,
Demanding
Like the rest of him
Lifting up my hips wider
To make way for him
He let out a moan
As he buried himself deep,
His length filling me
Plunging,
Thrusting in me,
Deeper, harder and deeper
Stretching me,
More delicious than I fantasized
Lost in the colorful sounds
Of smell of pure bonk,
Bang and more bonk
He moves in long,
Sure strokes.
Deep.
Controlled
He conjures in acidic marsh
I groan as my body vibrates
When he sleeks and slides..

Today
You asked me if I ever
Regretted
Any of the lame,
Crazy stuff that we did

I looked at me
I looked at you
Peering behind
Your concrete walls
And told you

That I
Am not one for regrets,
Don't dwell
On the shattered remains of

What could have been
What should have been
What would have been

That I
Meant every word I said
Meant every word silence uttered
Loved you before my words
Ever ignited a spark in
Your ice cold heart

That you,
Were worth it,
Worth it all

That we,
Were draped with gasoline
We burned like veldfires
Turning everything we
Touched to ash
That they had to call
The fire department

That
The kiss that haunts me
Day and night
The urge to embrace you
Every minute of the hour
The crave for your fiery skin
That burns my fingertips
Each time I caress you
That the hole you left
The scars that are written
On my heart
And each tear I shed
Doesn't compound to regret

You were worth it,
Worth it all

Strips me of my pain
Infuses pain with serenity
Drains the curse
Off my veins
Drives the demons
Out of my mind

But what happens
When each cut no longer
Purifies?

Oh the flame in your eyes
That engulfs me,
That I can't help
But get lost in
Enlivens me
The brisk wind comes
Whistling past my ear
Yet all I hear is your
Velvety voice
Whispering a promise
Of forever

Indulging in the pleasures of Luna,
Nocturnal eyes see beyond
Moonlight

The night is an enticing incentive
Luring us to dare be a part
Of a velvet heart that sings
The lullaby

"That which we create in the
Midst of others' dream is pure,
And most of all, true"

At the end of each note
Is a prelude to another
Evoking creativity that stems
And can only be nurtured
In the night
Yet flourishes in daylight

At the night's darkest hue
Patching syllable after syllable
Evoking stories that have
Begun to be to told

Indulging in the pleasures of Luna,
Nocturnal eyes see beyond moonlight

This routine,
Swallowing us whole
Both of us tangled within
It's the same rotating circle
Words are just said
To keep peace in between turns
We're looking for other incentives
To keep insanity at bay

I met you as Spring
Lingered around the corner
Petals changed color
Turning earthly tones to beautiful
Vibrant shades
Trees rejuvenated,
And I watched as they
Resurrected themselves
While you resurrected me

I loved you
Through Summer
When the days under the sun
Seemed prolonged and
The nights could be compared to
Snow white's 7 friends
We walked under the
Blooming blue skies
With tiny crystal stars
Littering the skies
And became nocturnal angels

Melancholy
Found me in Autumn
When you broke me
And buried me under
A thick foliage of tired leaves
Just as they fell in agony from where
They thought they belonged
The night sky turned grey,
The possibility of
Summer returning declined,
As Winter starts to mark her territory

Sadly,
Winter enveloped me in her arms
And colored my bones
All I thought of was
How you and Autumn betrayed me

When the painting withers
From the pungent smell of life
A new pattern shall emerge
Covering all your imperfections
Your blackened heart
Shall shimmer with vibrant hues
You'll paint in the joy
Never blotching the canvas
Not a smear will profane
Not a splatter will alter
The stroke of beauty
That shall come to life

You'll find someone
Who will spark wildfires
Within you with just a stare
The flames will consume you
Your heart will burn to ashes
Pain will flare out
Like petals of a blossoming orchid
Then you'll know
What heartbreak is

Someday
You'll give your all to someone
All there is
All there ever will be
Mind. Body. Soul
That someone
Will tear the strings
That once held you intact
And spit venom in your heart
The poison will become
Part of each part
And will alter
Your train of thought
Then you'll know
What heartbreak is

Someday
You'll crash into someone
Who will awaken your senses
Make you feel transient
But will rip your rib cage apart
To find your heart
And crush it with a gentle touch
You'll crumble
And fall on your knees
Then you'll know
What heartbreak is

Someday
You'll find a star
That will seep into your
Blood stream
Travel through your veins
Find it's way to your heart
Only to destroy you
From within
You'll shatter
Like an old vase that fell
Fell from earth's spinning wheel
Then you'll know
What heartbreak is

Someday
When the fleeting love ends
And all of this happens
I won't be there
But fate will teach you
What heartbreak is
And wickedly,
I find peace in that

I've been existing in this body for the past  few years
Going by, passed by, surrounded by melancholy eyes of my own reflection
I've carried this self for many a times I can not count, guilt that I have tried to swim against has pulled me down upon my knees
I am empty
Let me go.
Let me live.
Let me breathe.
Still, I am empty
Breathing air that does nothing but inflate my lungs, posing questions I have always known to have no answers to
This life I am living,
It has long surpassed dysfunctional that I have resorted to writing to make believe happy endings that I know better not to believe
This is what has become of me, drowning myself in darkness
Darkness that has always welcomed me with open arms
But this time darkness doesn't complete me, it reeks light
And once again, I find myself engaging my thoughts on paper with no purpose, no direction, I've always made some bad poetry
Drawing circles in squares, squares in circles hoping for a new pattern of life only to find nothing but doodles of this old life
I've become just that, what I've always known to be, and presumably what I've always been;
A nobody.
Who was I to think I could escape my fate? Times have changed, but I haven't
I am still made of the same **** as before, but how could I be expected to better myself when they have already labeled me
'Damaged',
'Freak',
'Not good enough'
And 'unworthy'?
My time has deteriorated with passing seasons, and my life is wasting away like sand through the hour glass
The only thing keeping me from bursting is a memory of a past life that I fear will soon succumb to the lusts of time as I see shattered remains of my faith on the cold heart floor, I have no cause, no hope. Nothing
Who will I become now?
I've been everybody and anybody, but myself
Preying eyes of my reflection have surrounded me like vultures, looking for which color the chameleon will turn to
Why do I hate myself this much?
Asking myself questions I've always known to have no answers to, but this time a vague one surfaces
I've shun and tormented my soul with much intent, why then do I ask myself such questions?
I wonder if the remnants of the girl who once had dreams will come to light
Sweat and tears flow through my eyes as past sins become present
Tinted eyes watch damaged a reflection with blood slipping through my trembling fingers
Shards of light slice through my scarred skin as old wounds that have yet to heal resurface
And they will bleed till I blink myself asleep
I've always been an honest liar, but now honesty has driven me to pits that I can not lie out of
Smoking blunts that only sink me deeper and deeper, I've thought for so long that each puff births serenity
But now it's only poison that I seem to be inhaling, and it's absorbed right to the core
Torn between humanity and suicide. The latter is clear, but the former is graying
Turning the darkest hue of black to it's lightest, this is the end
This is the end of my humanity
As I see my fingertips colored with the deepest shade of crimson, I've been consciously digging at my own skin as if I'm trying to take back what was taken from me without my permission
I have not yet decided, but fate already has and I wonder if I will, if I should fight myself for myself
Though presented with the possibility and freedom of a new life, I have been trained to run
Never to let anyone catch me, like a salamander
This is the heart of a troubled rhythm, I am the troubled rhythm

A is for the girl
I call my sister
You have verbal diarrhea
And I'm verbally constipated
But you're everything I could
Ever ask for

B is for the sister
Whose shadow I live under
You're too perfect, and I know I annoy you with my endless flaws
I sometimes wonder if you resent me for everything I've taken away from you without your knowledge

C is for the guy
Who endured the torture of
Loving me for 2 years-he still does
But you'll never touch me again
You'll bleed, and you don't deserve to

D is for the guy
I stayed up all night talking to
For countless months
You had so much passion for life
You were my first platonic friend
You saved me countless times

E is for the guy
I fell for a couple of months ago
You were distant, cold and detached
There's something attractive about what you can't have
You destroyed me,
I'm still planning my revenge

F is for the girl
Who I thought was my best friend
You turned into a mean girl
And bullied me in Junior high
I think I hate you

G is for the guy
I fell for in 8th grade
You were my first love, that love hate relationship we had was fun
But I don't want you back

H is for the girl
Whose boyfriend I dated
I didn't mean to take him away
He taught me a lot of lessons
Including how not to love
I never want to see him again

I is for the guy
The one I first crushed on
You were too cute, but a ****
I still can't believe you told everyone I was into you
I'm still embarrassed
How could you?

J is for the girl
I knew for 5 years
I thought you were my friend
But you rarely speak to me these days
I'm confused

K is for the girl
I've known all my high school years
You're my rock
You're one person I know has my back-no matter what

L is for the girl
Whose my neighbor
Remember when we used to play house?
Ye I remember
You probably think you're too cool to hang out now

M is for the guy
I dated out of pity
But left after 2 weeks
You still bug me, I don't know why
Don't you get the message?
I'm too damaged to love

N is for the guy
Who thought he could fix me
But gave up in the end
Guess you finally discovered
What I've been telling you all along

O is for the guy
I sat behind in class today
Your head is fascinating
The way your ears just fit in with the rest of your body
But I'm never sitting behind you again-you're too distracting

P is for the guy
I liked but never told
Probably because you're out of my league and you're too interesting
And I'm dull as hell

Q is for the girl
I met down the street today
She looked so lonely
Just like me so we bonded over
Alicia Keys & Elle Varner's music
You're  a potential best friend

R is for the girl
Whose boyfriend I slept with
I was drunk that night
And he was there
It's really not my fault
But I'm sorry

S is for the girl
Who loves the guy I love
You're too lucky
Love him with all your might
Cause he's all that I need to fall into

T is for the guy
Who looked at me as if
I was something to devour
Not someone to love
Oh hell why am I even surprised?
I'm never gon' be good enough

U is for the man
Who taught me Physics in my senior year, he thought I had potential
I ended up disappointing him just as I always disappoint everybody

V is for the dogs
I owned but died on me
I'm sorry I made you suffer
I didn't think my love would be that toxic

W is for the guy
Who always had something
Positive to say about me
Even when I snapped at him
The first person to see behind this warped demeanor

X is for the girl
I was before
I'm sorry you had to die
You were too good and
You didn't deserve to die like that

Y is for the girl
I am now
You're broken, too damaged
I hope you find someone who will love you For who and what you are and will awaken those slumbering senses of yours

Z is for the girl
I am destined to be
I promise I'll be good
If you hurry up and claim me

I've had this burning thought
For a good minute now
You are not mine
I've always known this
And I've come to realize
I am not fond of her
My heart is filled with resentment
Towards one I do not know
I envy her--she has you
It's quite clear
It's colored green
And it's absurd
Though for the past few seconds
You've been with me
Your heart has always been with her
And I wonder, I wander
I should of known
No, I did know
But I succumbed to denial
I went through your facebook
Profile again
I saw her name more times
Than I can count
They told me, she made it clear
Then why does my heart race?
In the end I can't say
You used me
Because I used myself
And my mind absorbs it all
But will my heart ever?

1st Year
You took me by the hand
Gazed upon my eyes
"I love you", u said
You wrote me a poem
'Sunshine', remember?
You said your eyes reflected
My sunshine
But I also understood,
You didn't love me like I did
You loved the gift in me,
That I gave u joy, peace and happiness
I felt your heartbeat
I was there

                2nd Year
You took me by the hand
Gazed upon my eyes
And said you wanted to leave
"I love you", I said
You gave in to the eyes that once reflected your sunshine
But I also knew,
You stayed out of guilt
You still didn't love me like I did
I was in to the deep end
I wasn't giving u joy like I used to
We've been through too much
I'm not letting you go
No, that's not an option
Your seeds are embedded in my soul
You soothed the ****** that surfaced me
You are in every part of me
I am incomplete without you

             3rd Year
You took me by the hand
Gazed upon my eyes
And said u wanted to leave, again
"I love you", I said
But it wasn't enough, I knew this
You wrote me a poem
'Dear Balm', remember?
"Variants of species invade it's land but never conquer it's territory"
You gave me hope
But rapidly crushed it with
'From Burchelli'
You had already met her,
She was a mirror reflection of you
Poet in her own right
Crazy, free spirited just like you
You felt her heartbeat
She too, felt your heartbeat
You love her
She loves you
Still, you gave in to guilt

You took me by the hand, again
Gazed upon my eyes
And said, "This car is not traveling like it used to" without hesitation
And I knew I had lost you
All these years I've made you live a lie
You are leaving but you are staying
We've been through this road more times than you can remember, but I can
I know though you are with me,
You no longer belong to me
And until I find the strength to walk away from you
I'll still be here,
Calling you mine even when I know 'we' no longer exist