I'D RATHER GO BLIND THAN WATCH MYSELF BE REPLACED

it's poetry when he speaks
it's supernovas and entire galaxies colliding
when he speaks to me

TORN BEING WISHING YOU CARED ENOUGH TO FEEL BAD ABOUT HURTING ME
AND HOPING
YOU DON'T
HOPING YOU'RE OKAY
I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY
YOU HURT ME
BUT I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY
I LOVE YOU
I STILL DO
I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY
IT'S OKAY
IT'S OKAY
I HOPE YOU'RE OKAY
I WANT YOU TO HURT A HUNDRED TIMES
MORE THAN YOU HURT ME
BUT
I DON'T WANT YOU
TO BE HURT
I'M SORRY
I FEEL GUILTY FOR MY THOUGHTS
BUT
WHAT IF
YOU DON'T ACTUALLY CARe???
AND YOU'RE FINE???
I'LL BE THE ONE HURTING AGAIN
AND I GUESS
I'LL SETTLE WITH THAT INSTEAD OF
CAUSING YOU PAIN
I JUST WANT YOU TO BE OKAY
I'M SORRY
I'M SORRY ABOUT EVERYTHING
I DON'T KNOW
I'M SORRY FOR MYSELF
I THINK I LOVE YOU
BUT I'M
CONFUSED
I'M CONFUSED
I'M CONFUSED
DO I HATE YOU FOR ******* ME UP LIKE THIS?
DO I HATE MYSELF FOR LETTING THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
DO I HATE YOU FOR NOT CARING?
DO I HATE MYSELF FOR HOPING YOU DO?
BUT
I'M STILL
HOPING
YOU'RE
OKAY

the sky thinks you're beautiful

I am a desert and you are a tsunami and god I am ******* craving what will never exist.

I hope your throat tightens when you think of me.

if only this pain left as quick as you did.

there are plenty of things i wish for
and all of them
are just
you

i wondered if there was a word
for the sudden melancholy you get
when you think of a distant memory
as if there's gaping hole in your chest
the sudden feeling of loss for something
that was never quite yours - for someone that was never yours

i found myself whispering your name

feelings underlying
a longing never dying

**** **** ******* hell
**** everything oh my god
**** **** **** **** ****

i had no clue about art
but i knew a thing or two
from just looking at you

she hadn't
felt anything
for so
long
she started
to thank people
for hurting her.

there is so much beauty in this world
but how come
i only see all of it when my eyes are on you

i didn't mind getting
paper cuts
for he was
my favorite book

I am gnawing doubt and constant hesitancy
wrapped in a nightmare of a body.
My mistakes are my home, my flaws are where I dwell
But I swear to god
I know I've never been sure about anything
except wanting you all for myself.

"Is it normal to cry every night?"

"For some people."

like clockwork,
i think of you
i wait for you
i long for you

like clockwork,
except these hands don't move
and i end up
losing my time over you
losing my mind

just
like
clockwork

im sorry i dont know how to be around you
im sorry you dont know how to be around me

i love the smell
of rain before downpour
and the sound of the first few raindrops
falling angry on the roof
i like to pretend its the sound of
you knocking at the door,
eager to come home

i know i said it wouldnt matter
if its not you and me in the end
but some nights the what if's and could have's won't let me sleep

and the stillness of the hours before sunrise
remind me of the stillness between us,
unsure words and hesitant conversations

and in those hours
i still catch myself
wanting

people like me always run out of words to say
but its people like you that make my lips stumble

like a sad lone comet
i wander

please pull me into
your orbit

too attractive for his own good
too attracted for my own good

you tell me
these
blades
are dangerous

but darling
so are
my thoughts

let me near enough
to touch you

i don't mind
getting cut
on your edges

you've
knocked the air from my lungs
lit fragments of my heart
and made me want to be wanted

you're
slowly stealing parts of me i never realized i still had
meanwhile i'm still busy stealing glances

there was a boy who looked like moonlight;
beautiful and
fleeting

yet this eclipse
seemed to hold on forever

she waited for him like sunrise

my

his heart was cold,
yet his soul
set mine ablaze

if i can't look you in the eye

i barely have the courage to look in the mirror

her hands left graveyards.
over and over, she longed to
hold his heart
but only managed to barely touch
with her fingertips,
just barely within reach
each time

he didn't know what to do with all the headstones

we've never held hands
so i don't understand
why you've always had such a grip
on my heart

your eyes could meet mine
for only half a second

and i’d end up thinking about them
for half a century

i want to hold your hand
but the mere thought
of our fingers brushing
leaves my palms sweating
and chest pounding
i want to see you
but that requires you seeing me
and it makes me want to fold myself in,
all the parts of me i'm not proud of
there are too many
because to you i am only a fleeting star like all the rest in the sky
but to me you are long-lived galaxies taking up my headspace, lasting, lingering
even after the last star burns out.

maybe we're both just waiting on each other
waiting to see
who's going to crack first

i wish history really did
repeat itself
because i badly
want you to happen to me
again

bad days don't last

but good days
don't either

this body never felt like home

my hands are always clammy
my lips are always chapped
and i can't seem to shake the numbness from my bones

it's hard to believe this is a body you'd be willing to hold

i hate everything
would it be any less alarming
than when i say
i hate myself?