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Kennedy 7d
i think too **** much.
i know there is no love in Her heart,
at least not for me.
i know that i have more in me
than She will ever be able to give me.
the days will continue,
lives will continue to be made,
to be ended prematurely,
or not soon enough.
at what point do i know that my suffering is done?
when She is dead
i know i will feel it.
the relief of a pained soul
finally at peace.
Kennedy 7d
you will never feel that unforgettable feeling
of flying, with no fear of falling.
of running and knowing you cannot trip.
of perfection, with no reason to envy.
there is no room for failure.
you must get everything just right,
without a trial.
you will control their lives,
their very souls are yours to judge.
you make every choice they will,
and you will do it time and time again.
without complaints. without change.
and if you lose sight of even a single one of them,
they will blame you.
for the rest of their minuscule life.
it is tough to be a god,
but tougher still to live a life without choice.
7d · 17
Kennedy 7d
slow it down. soften it.
settle into the feeling of bliss
allow it to soothe the ache in your lungs.
stop. take a breath. let yourself feel.
speed up. make it hard. fast.
and then faster still.
feel that sharpness in your back, your hips.
and go, keep going and going.
go until the going gets rough.
all of your pain is nothing.
you're getting higher now; closer.
climb. force yourself to wait.
and wait a little longer.
wait until you swear you can't wait anymore.
you have no choice.
at the end of the day, you can only wait
Kennedy 7d
I do not mind being alone.
Actually, there is nothing more soothing
than me.
Alone there are no thoughts to be asked.
Nothing left unsaid.
I hear it all. At once. There is no question.
Although, now things are different.
I get no solace.
There is always something missing.
I couldn't put a word to it,
this lingering sense.
Not of loneliness,
but of a longing for someone once there.
Oct 30 · 120
Kennedy Oct 30
what can be said for the silence
of those around me?
not a single text or call.
no familiar faces seen.
i can feel you slipping,
you're okay.
don't worry for me, darling,
time spent is never time lost.
my time has been spent the same
clenched in fear.
Sep 5 · 687
Kennedy Sep 5
i don't recognize you in crowds anymore.
i don't have to see your face in every
blond haired, blue eyed,
morally ambiguous white boy.
i can hear your name
without the lightheadedness.
there is no more bile to hold back.

i don't think i will ever forget the feeling
of you. your hands. your tears
on my back the minute you finished.
the moment you realized
what you had done. tell me,
did your god ever forgive your sins?
and by sins, i don't mean the ****.
you didn't fear the legal repercussions,
you feared hell.
adultery was never your scene,
you told me.
you did not have premarital ***.
that was a sin. and you were not a sinner.
tell me,  what did your priest say?
did he tell you that god loves you?
just as he does all his creations?

do you remember what you told me?
you repeated it so many times,
it is engraved into my brain.
you kept telling me god would forgive me.
that he would forgive me.
god knows we can't help but to sin.

but i wasn't the sinner, and
i'm sure this will come as a surprise,
but your god does nothing for me.
there is nothing your neglectful
and lazy at best god can offer me.
you're going to tell me
that "our father" who art in heaven
chose to lead you into the temptation
of my nonconsenting body?
should your benevolent savior be real,
just know you were delivered to evil.
salvation has nothing on the trauma i've endured.
Jul 29 · 340
Kennedy Jul 29
one time i was told

this person did not do drugs.
jesus has no room in my shrooms, Jessica.
Jul 29 · 1.4k
Kennedy Jul 29
i fear nothing,
not nothing as in: i am fearless.
but nothing, as in nothing.
i skip the end-credits of movies.
i love and trust way to easily.
i trauma dump.
i forgive people no matter what they do.
honestly - pt 1
Jul 29 · 857
Kennedy Jul 29
i care too much.
i can't stop caring.
i can't let go.
Mother will call, and call, and call.
i answer, without fail or hesitation.
the best friend's will take,
make snide comments,
say mean things,
do mean things,
hurt me.
i will be by their side no matter what.
my fatal flaw is that when you tell me
that i'm too emotional,
i will never stop thinking that.
i was once told i had the biggest nose
in the third grade.
i am still hyperaware, and ashamed of it.
letting go is the hardest thing to do when you think you deserve the pain.
Jul 29 · 451
I Want You
Kennedy Jul 29
i want you, anyway you want me. i want you to take me, slowly, quickly. do with me what you wish. i'm tired of pretending.
god. you get my mind. reeling. i feel absolutely insane with you. you make me so ******* angry. i wish i could put you in your place.

i'm kidding. i'm not the dominant one. but you? ****. you're built to be dominant. your hands are just the perfect size to fit around my throat. your fingers down my throat or you using them to tease me? drives me wild. i want you to degrade me. laugh at me. tease me. **** me until i cry and then some.

i want to be so thoroughly wrecked and ruined by you. i want to feel it for weeks. i want to be covered in your marks. bruises, hickies, bite marks, scratches. i want my skin turned red.

i want you.
my guts need some rearranging.
Jul 27 · 461
Kennedy Jul 27
my body is a cage.
it is nothing more than a blockade.
a hurdle.
a sack of meat too big for that space,
the one between your chair
and that wall.
The One Between Two ******* Parked Next To Each Other.
why do i have to be my body,
why is it,
that your first impression of me,
is based on what is simply flesh.
i am a sentient being, sure,
but what the ****.
why is it my body that you must see.
why do we as a species look like this?
i would've rather been a slug.
W H Y do I lOOk LiKE THIS.
i. have. *****.
i love *****.
once i lose it i'll be pretty.
May 25 · 103
Kennedy May 25
i don't have any happy poems.
i don't know
if i'm okay anymore.
my happiness comes in waves.
May 25 · 224
Kennedy May 25
as of tomorrow,
may 26th, 2021,
my spotify bill will go down.
not by a lot, just enough to hurt.
as of today, may 25, 2021,
i haven't eaten.
my heart beats too fast.
my brain goes too slow.
and my spotify only plays sad songs.
maybe i'm melodramatic,
maybe i'm pathetic,
maybe i'm all the things i don't want to be.
my eyes are the broken faucet at the *** farm breakroom.
Kennedy Mar 20
i am either entirely paranoid,
or presumed to be deaf.
the walls in the bathroom are either
incredibly paper-thin,
or just thick enough.
it was either the anxiety,
or secrets about me,
that weren't meant for me.
i want to imagine i imagined it.
Kennedy Mar 8
do you know what i've done?
i did it.
i finished my shampoo and conditioner
at the same time.
i don't watch Doctor Who,
so for all i know,
it's been canceled.
my best pasta recipe?
bowties, olive oil,
spinach, lemon juice, garlic.
so, am i done yet?
Inspired by - Hannah Daines
Mar 7 · 263
Kennedy Mar 7
they have yet to crack and bleed,
they have begun to sting with lotion.
I need me that lubriderm.
Kennedy Feb 2
i think of it daily.
when i mention her,
my heart remembers.
i know i am not what you want.
i am not the one you think of
when asked of beauty.
i know i am being silly,
thinking with my heart,
rather than my mind.
how silly it was, for me to think i was enough.
Kennedy Feb 2
do not tell me.
i know.
i see it in the way
your eyes follow her.
i feel it every time
your arms wrap around her.
i see it
in every comment,
every like,
every follow.
$8 means nothing when the person you want,
is not the one in your bed.
Jan 29 · 435
Kennedy Jan 29
drowning is so easy.
there is something so peaceful
in never waking up.
i remember more than i forget,
i remember what i want to forget.
Jan 29 · 679
Kennedy Jan 29
nights are so heavy.
i am not afraid of the dark,
but the things that lurk within.
the memories of strange men,
who brought plenty of sleepless nights.
i can hear the screaming,
i feel myself being jostled awake,
only now, there is no crying sibling.
i dream.
i don't dream pleasant dreams.
there is no neverland,
no fairytale to soothe my aching mind.
there is the night and the fear it brings.
Jan 29 · 353
Kennedy Jan 29
She left again.
and with Her goes my strength,
my sense of self,
my control.
She knows
what to say,
when to say it,
how to say it.
unlike Her, i always lose.
i have the words, never the order.
i have the nerve, never the energy.
to Her, my tears are a white flag,
waving so far in the distance,
She can pretend not to notice,
and no one will put her at fault.
Kennedy Jan 16
it's very simply put:
  "it's not you, it's me."
and it's true,
i fear loving more
than i do less.
i fear using my half
to fill their whole.
i don't want the only one
with a collar
around their neck
to be me.
belonging to someone doesn't sound so bad when they belong to you too.
Kennedy Dec 2020
you stopped caring,
its almost like my crying
is your favorite sound.
and i know, i know,
i took it the wrong way,
you didn't mean it like that.
i'm not the best person,
i cry, a lot.
i'm sensitive, but i also
have a major attitude, always.
i look at myself in the mirror,
for way too long.
i like to pick apart every flaw,
and stare at anything remotely beautiful
until i begin to see it as disgusting.
i don't like back massages.
i think they're awful,
because i can feel your disgust.
and you don't need to voice it, either.
i can feel it.
i am completely aware that when i lie,
my body flattens
and the skin doesn't have space to spread.
you see, my skin, is too large.
sometimes i can pretend that it's not.
back massages are not one of those times.
she's so much thinner, it makes sense.
choose her.
Dec 2020 · 437
Kennedy Dec 2020
hey, bubby.
i just wanted to see
how you were doing. but, i guess,
this is my answer? it's weird,
in everything that hasn't been said,
i can still hear you loud and clear.
the days are getting shorter,
but they still feel long.
these are trying times, for everyone,
especially for you, though.
i hate seeing you this way,
i hate watching life take its toll on you,
watching the light drain from your eyes.
your smiles have become so scarce.
i want to hear your voice,
did you know i adore our nights together?
sometimes you talk, usually its very angry,
frustrated grumbles of temperatures,
and my moving way too much.
othertimes its sweet, unheard of things.
things i'm truly surprised by.
just the other night, you told me
i am beautiful,
that you like making me smile.
when i began to sniffle you held me,
you said it's okay to cry, especially
with you here for me.

hey, bubby.
now, i know i don't say it a lot,
you know i'm not the best with my words.
thank you.
you have treated me so kindly,
and you have shown me so much.
you, my darling, are so wonderful.
you are the brightest star in the sky,
just as beautiful as the full moon
both, inside and out.
and you're so bright, not just intellectually,
but in the most magical of ways.
you're the reason for analogies to exist.
Dec 2020 · 398
Kennedy Dec 2020
i had a pb&j&shroom sandwich.
i hated it.
peanut butter is too sticky,
jelly is just not wet enough to help,
and the mushrooms were annoying to eat.
i did enjoy the bread though.
i watched the big bird movie,
just like we used to.
and after the big bird movie,
we watched a sad one.
about a man, and mrs. robinson.
i remember the premise, and the feelings,
but i don't remember much else of it.
at one point, i played with the shadows,
my hand seemed to turn into ribbon,
the walls breathed, the fan colorful.
i've heard horror stories
of looking in the mirror.
i looked at myself, and cried, and smiled.
there was no better feeling than that.
i noticed all of the small details around me.
the blue veins in the bathroom wall tile,
the sky, the stars, and the trees.
i cried a lot, and couldn't figure out why.
we sat to watch another movie,
and i felt what You felt.
Your pain when you were where i was
is hard to put into words.
i wondered if i was where i had to be,
if i was going anywhere,
and if anyone would miss me.
we passed the gate, and are headed straight down.
Dec 2020 · 220
Kennedy Dec 2020
i stay because you need me,
because i have so many people to meet.
i stay because without me,
my siblings won't remember each other.
i stay because there's guitars,
and blond boys
with butterfly-inducing powers.
i stay because i know this is a bad time,
not a bad life.
i stay because too many people have left;
left me, left her, left them, left him, left you.
i stay because i don't want to be a statistic.
i stay because i want to watch,
i want to watch everyone i've ever loved
grow and be happy.
i stay because they can't lose me.
i stay because my childhood pet has.
i stay because my abuelita cries on the call,
because i haven't seen enough of the world.
i stay because there's no time like now.
i stay because there's so much good.
i stay because i'm stubborn,
because i've crunched the numbers,
and the pros outweigh the cons.
because life is grand, and because i haven't punched the prime minister.
Nov 2020 · 618
Kennedy Nov 2020
i always wanted a friend,
someone i could hangout with,
dress up, play games with, be with.
coincidentally, pregnancy brought me her.
four years younger, full of tears, a baby.
a baby i named,
a baby i loved and cherished and cared for.
eventually we wanted a friend,
someone we could hangout with,
dress up, play games with, be with.
two friends turned into three
pregnancy brought us another.
another i named
and she was lovely, and loved
and cherished and cared for.
and we three, were happy.
three young girls,
happy, healthy, alive, together.
then came Him.
Your love, Your heart, Your endgame.
with Him came another, a boy.
another i named, yet didn't have.
pregnancy didn't bring me him,
he was meant for someone else
he was theirs to love, to cherish, to care for.
we three young girls were not together,
unhappy, unhealthy, alive, apart.
the boy did not forget,
just simply never knew,
and will never.
but pregnancy returned,
she always seems to
and with her came another, a baby,
the last for me to name,
the last for me to love, cherish, and care for.
and You and i, we were together, with her,
loving, cherishing, caring for,
and there were no second thoughts.
she needed You, she was Your last as well.
so why did she have to go?
a month into a lifelong sentence
with no opportunity for escape,
no chance to make a proper introduction.
she saw the door closing,
put her foot out to stop it,
and slipped out of the crack in the door.
Nov 2020 · 419
Kennedy Nov 2020
i know You tried.
i know it was their fault, i mean,
You haven't missed anything,
not a single thing.
You never miss, You only forget.
You forgot me here, and over there.
You forgot to stop for gas on the way.
forgot my clothes,
forgot my favorite color,
forgot to pick up food for me,
forgot my age,
forgot my birthday,
forgot my appointments,
forgot i had school,
forgot the laundry,
forgot to take the needle out Your arm.
Nov 2020 · 172
Kennedy Nov 2020
its been two weeks,
where are You?
You told me this would work.
You gave me the instruction manual
and taught me the most efficient way.
You taught me exactly where pieces went,
the perfect lethal concoction.
was no one else informed?
the plan was simple,
one incision, several empty bottles.
one ride home.
what happened?
i signed the paperwork,
packed my paperbag
filled with two days of meaningless papers,
i did the workshops,
talked to the suits
and told them everything.
You gave simple instructions,
two phone calls a day,
say nothing, do everything.
You didn't come to meet me at first.
i waited,
i put it off for hours,
You promised to be there.
You were supposed to be.
it doesn't matter anyways,
if You're not here yet, You will be.
traffic is bad, it has to be.
You wouldn't miss this.
You're picking me up today
it's in the plan
it's in the manual
it's in the letters
it's the only thing You prepared me for.
Nov 2020 · 368
Kennedy Nov 2020
today my phone was on for 15 hours
and 44 minutes.
today i spent half of those 15 hours on facebook.
these days, it's the only way i can make sure You're okay
it's the only way i can see You,
and in those photos You're smiling.
it's not the smile You gave me at my first concert.
it's not the smile You gave me on christmas.
it's the happiest smile i've seen from You.
the only one where You're completely sure,
this is the way You want Your life to be.
this is it for You.
i spoke to Him,
Your heart, Your love,
Your endgame.
i get it, love dies and hearts heal,
You made sure i knew that.
You didn't need me, never wanted me.
i was never meant to be,
the metal hanger that never worked,
the blockade in front of the road
to Your dream.
You had the drugs, the men, and you had Him.
and as wonderful as He was,
as great as Your life was going,
there was always me.
i think about You. a lot.
and everything i have to say is positive,
i have the memories of You,
all Your lessons,
all Your mistakes.
i like to think about them,
i like to remember faces, and places, and all the meaningless things.
but they weren't meaningless to me,
because while You're ignoring and avoiding
i'm thinking and rushing into the fire.
i want to remember Your face.
i want to remember the smile You had.
the smile handed on a gilded platter,
but it wasn't real gold, was it?
because once the day ended, so did the happiness, and the paint chipped.
once He left, once He disappeared
without a letter, without a word,
without any warning to You,
His love, His heart,
His endgame,
You went back to bed.
Jun 2020 · 904
Kennedy Jun 2020
you cannot remove pain from your skin,
as if it were a tattoo removal.
though, i wish it were that easy.
i'm aware his fingerprints are not burned
around my neck,
as if his hands were some
unconsensual necklace.
i know the bruises around my neck
have faded.
i still feel them
in my refusal to wear a scarf,
or a turtleneck.
i still feel them
in my dreams
where everything is as it was.
i feel them in my rush to be different,
to dye my hair,
to ignore my past.
A poem for my WIP book.
Apr 2020 · 334
pink ghost
Kennedy Apr 2020
i know i broke your heart.
i know you hear me when i cry.
i know all you want to do is come beside me,
hold me,
love me,
and treat me the way no one ever has.
perhaps that's just what i need.
maybe that's what my heart desires.
but alas,
      i do
is push you
away from me.
now you're dancing through our house,
holding that dress i loved so dearly.
now you're playing my favorite song and singing alone
all alone,
with nothing,
but the ghost of me.
written for my WIP book.
Apr 2020 · 215
she tried her best
Kennedy Apr 2020
she tried.
you have to at least say that.
she attempted to find what made her happy,
find was caused her smile.
in the end,
all she found
were broken promises,
and pill bottles.
maybe it was that they were expired,
or maybe,
just maybe,
it was the fact that she took over twenty.
maybe she thought of them,
everyone who has wronged her.
maybe she thought of her family.
all we can do is wonder,
who's idea was it?
who told her to?
was it the voices in her head?
was it the people at school?
or was it herself?
Written for my WIP book.
Apr 2020 · 214
Kennedy Apr 2020
i spent my days in your arms.
crying laughing while you faked a british accent.
i learned how to break hearts
through flinching every time you raised a finger. 
i learned how to destroy myself through loving you,
putting your needs before mine,
your wants,
your desires.
breaking my soul,
asking “how high?” when you tell me to jump.
we had no way of knowing things would end the way they did.
but maybe you did,
you break hearts that’s your thing.
you make a girl fall in love
and cut out her heart to put in a jar;
a jar full of the hearts of all your past broken girls.
*******, you called them.
you told them they were worth nothing more than the dirt
on the bottom of your shoe.
you told me the same, but worse.
you promised me the world,
only to take my life from beneath me.
you told me you loved me, only to break me.
you destroyed my heart and laughed while i cried.
emotionally unstable,
that’s my classification,
though it seems it has become me.
i am no longer stable,
and i guess i have you to thank for that.
Apr 2020 · 437
Kennedy Apr 2020
i wish, i wish, i wish.
your love doesn't come in waves.
i wish, i wish,
that you didn't bring up my pain.
i know that sometimes,
there isn't enough love to go around.
maybe you've moved on.
my friends say i'll get better but there's always that extra word;
& sometimes, you just have to come to terms with someone not loving you the way you love them.
Apr 2020 · 193
Kennedy Apr 2020
i think, you and i are the same,
she told me.
i think you have seen things worse than me
though i do believe we are the same.
i laughed, taking a  drag
the cigarette brought calm,
we will never be the same.
but we are,
but the only thing we have in common..
neither of us will be missed.
from my WIP book

— The End —