i don't recognize you in crowds anymore.
i don't have to see your face in every
blond haired, blue eyed,
morally ambiguous white boy.
i can hear your name
without the lightheadedness.
there is no more bile to hold back.

i don't think i will ever forget the feeling
of you. your hands. your tears
on my back the minute you finished.
the moment you realized
what you had done. tell me,
did your god ever forgive your sins?
and by sins, i don't mean the ****.
you didn't fear the legal repercussions,
you feared hell.
adultery was never your scene,
you told me.
you did not have premarital ***.
that was a sin. and you were not a sinner.
tell me,  what did your priest say?
did he tell you that god loves you?
just as he does all his creations?

do you remember what you told me?
you repeated it so many times,
it is engraved into my brain.
you kept telling me god would forgive me.
that he would forgive me.
god knows we can't help but to sin.

but i wasn't the sinner, and
i'm sure this will come as a surprise,
but your god does nothing for me.
there is nothing your neglectful
and lazy at best god can offer me.
you're going to tell me
that "our father" who art in heaven
chose to lead you into the temptation
of my nonconsenting body?
should your benevolent savior be real,
just know you were delivered to evil.

one time i was told
"ICE COLD WATER IS AN EXPIRIENCE"


obviously,
this person did not do drugs.

i fear nothing,
not nothing as in: i am fearless.
but nothing, as in nothing.
i skip the end-credits of movies.
i love and trust way to easily.
i trauma dump.
i forgive people no matter what they do.

i care too much.
i can't stop caring.
i can't let go.
Mother will call, and call, and call.
i answer, without fail or hesitation.
the best friend's will take,
make snide comments,
say mean things,
do mean things,
hurt me.
i will be by their side no matter what.
my fatal flaw is that when you tell me
that i'm too emotional,
i will never stop thinking that.
i was once told i had the biggest nose
in the third grade.
i am still hyperaware, and ashamed of it.

i want you, anyway you want me. i want you to take me, slowly, quickly. do with me what you wish. i'm tired of pretending.
god. you get my mind. reeling. i feel absolutely insane with you. you make me so ******* angry. i wish i could put you in your place.

i'm kidding. i'm not the dominant one. but you? ****. you're built to be dominant. your hands are just the perfect size to fit around my throat. your fingers down my throat or you using them to tease me? drives me wild. i want you to degrade me. laugh at me. tease me. **** me until i cry and then some.

i want to be so thoroughly wrecked and ruined by you. i want to feel it for weeks. i want to be covered in your marks. bruises, hickies, bite marks, scratches. i want my skin turned red.

i want you.

my body is a cage.
it is nothing more than a blockade.
a hurdle.
a sack of meat too big for that space,
the one between your chair
and that wall.
The One Between Two ******* Parked Next To Each Other.
why do i have to be my body,
why is it,
that your first impression of me,
is based on what is simply flesh.
i am a sentient being, sure,
but what the ****.
why is it my body that you must see.
why do we as a species look like this?
i would've rather been a slug.
W H Y do I lOOk LiKE THIS.
ohohohoh.
*****.
i. have. *****.
i love *****.
just,
not,
mine.

i don't have any happy poems.
i don't know
if i'm okay anymore.