I confront all that you have done
barr my teeth and hitch and scream
I want you to know you have not won
that I did not feel or hear
a word you spat
a hand you slapped
that I am a beast of the new world
glistening motives totally unfurled
marching on
living on

what a fantasy it is
the winning of the battle,

in truth
I am weak,
and burdened,
longing for sleep.

skin rubbed raw by cheap sheets

yet another restless sleep

hindered not by freezing hands and feet

but by unknown trials of tomorrow

that may weaken my clutch,

that may finally be too much,

and relished by no more morrows-

lets me slip into the endless sorrow

the charming figment of a man stood against the wall with hands in pocket

"feel drained, my love?"

"Lost in the fog, I'm afraid"

her eyes grew and drooped to cartoonish proportions

grammar and spelling amiss

she sighed and hunched

typing typing typing

the ever secretly questioning robot

going about it's robot business

"Want to run away, my love?"

"very much so... away from my mind... very much so"

Where,

at the end of a cold night,

should I release these age-old turmoils?

it seems,

only unto these clenched,   ****** teeth.

I could write for hours

of a life that doesn't exist,

I can feel it even with open eyes,

cautiously glazing past

the rural          

jagged world

I resist

Allowing it all to feed off me

destroying my life under the guise of coping,

and only furthering the incoherent dread of which I consist

My eyes water hard
as I focus on the train floor
that hasn't been cleaned in maybe years

"Don't look upon the outsider" I say to myself
"Don't look upon the tall skinny man with sandy hair and age old eyes. He'll stomp out your freedom with those pointed leather boots- he'll curse your breath with those cracking hands-
that geometrical jaw will whisper all you've ever dreamed of"

I kept my eyes down
He had no scent
yet I could smell the divine.

Was he looking at me,
or gazing past?
If only I had the courage to look,
now I'll never know,

I'll never know.

The Rock N' Roll man
hung an arm loose
around the pole of the jerking train,
he swayed about like a rag doll,
a half cocked smile on his face,
pants exposing a sharp, ****** hip,
he didn't care.
He's so Rock N Roll

Amnesiac
Addict
Artist

how do you live
without coping?

I know only survival

I like the way
the purple pen
glides thick and smooth
against the off-white pages
of my coping,
so I write aimlessly,
nearly blind,
barely present,
utter nonsense.

the expanse
    cold and relentless
      mocking my nose
   it knows
       my mind is too wasted
     to throw hands
         so it taunts on
       while I
                limbs limp
stare on

Yesterday in church,
I saw a face
and heard a voice,
smooth and low
it blew softly against my neck..
I said Oh who can it be
the Devil he is
starin straight at me
I fall into his arms
and he lets me weep,
he lets me weep,
and I rest at his feet

scribbling aimlessly
what lackluster passion
not passion
just defeated mimicry
shining a light on all that's been lost
the mourning shall never cease
I've been shaped by this disease
and I'm over the envy
undone by instability
the unbearable inadequacy
******* illiterate insanity
and the fight has been tired for so long
             too long
I'm ready for that long sleep
I don't even care if I dream
I can't wait to appease
I can't wait for ease
Oh I can't wait for sleep

he,
has been on my mind lately.
Just a google search away,
there's his face,
wait,
that was 2012?
I was 15,
could have sworn I was a child,
absorbing the crime
with less acknowledgment
than an ant on my arm.
How could I have been 15?
I was so small,
it was so familiar,
and now it seems not so far away.
I suppose I like to think,
the trauma stopped when I grew up,
that all those bad things happened
when I was very small,
but they didn't stop.
They still haven't.
And at the end of the day,
I'm still a little girl,  
clutching my stuffed animals,
trying to make sense
of the world around me.

I saw a thread
and it told me not to pull
I couldn't help but see where it could go
so I reached and I tugged-
then pursed my lips and shrugged
pretending not to care
about the tapestry that came a crashing
that came unravelling
kicking up dust
as my dreams began dismantling-
it would happen again
and again
I can't resist a thread
even though I can see, at the end, only dread.

I want to feel
your traveled hands
lift my head
as you bend to kiss
and devour
my adulation

and she is undone
at the edge of shadow and sun
her will given to the wind
and her rich furs errant and skinned.

the sunset reminds me of
the way you
crane your neck
and take a deep breath
you say
the words are whispering
and how you've missed them for such a long time

I'll stay until they come....

I'll stay until they come...

there's a great suffering abound
and lots of wilted potted daisies around
a child in a grown-ups dress I've found...
she's so close.

and the room temperature
makes the rag heavy
and her eyes
drip down pushing against the gravity
she is so sure it can't be true
it's been a dark and bruising venture

there's a great suffering abound
I'm kicking through dried petals scattered all around
a child grasping the fundamentals of trauma I've found...
she's so close.

burden pretty like a feathered Jay
his beak a needle
that sews her presence shut
crystal ball binoculars
waving to the fog coming for the day

there's a great suffering abound
I'm bathing in stiff stems cutting all around
a child bewildered by debt i've found...
she's so close.

an Umbellularia
rose up in Atlanta
priestly and tall
shading my squall
Breathless and begging
I swear
if I got
just one night of your love
I wouldn't break your stay
I wouldn't let her sway
I'd **** them all-  I'd let God die
if they made you cry
Umbellularia I swear
just give me one
and I'd walk back into the sun

I fell in love with the man runnin up the stairs
I fell in love with the man with the yellow satchel waitin for the train
I fell in love with the man with the golden voice
I fell in love with the man in the blue coat boppin in the rain
I keep fallin in love
with every pretty soul that passes me
I keep fallin in love
with men that belong to a girl I'll never be
I keep fallin in love
with masterpieces I can't touch only see
I keep fallin love
with the idea of a man that can set me at ease

spirit man
holy man
you make a martyr of me
emotionally
lungs wide
the sweeping energy I see
glory in the eyes of you
an addiction I won't refuse
an affliction unexplained
a reaching cure for century long pain
spirit man
holy man
careful man
see the energy
enter me
betray me
all forces en heigh
spoken loud and deep
I shall wallow in my keep
desiring sultry repent
sweet florida scent
of beautiful spirit man's intent

draped in white

fringe and lace

the fraud

loses their breath

I seek enlightenment
and lo, what darkness I've seen along the way

The air feathers around me
like the tender embrace
of one that is not there
it feels so joyous
but so torturous

I shudder

this isolation

akin to religious torment

is breath taking

In the shower of glory, I hang my head.
In the light of beauty,
            I am ashamed.
evoked guilt
   screaming for retribution
my face,
   unable to be kept fragile
puffs and ages
    oh what guilt!
    oh this guilt!
oh gift me a shroud!

what's it like to raise your voice

to stand atop a mountain and scream

to clench your fists tight

I wanna know

I wanna know

I see flowers blooming
snakes grooving
fleeting moments of serenity
with gasps for air
and hands trembling
as they touch, treacherously,
the skull of their own,
desperate to know relief.

The only thing that works
is drowning it out
with these happy sounds
so loud
my ears bleed
my head throbs
but oh
these sounds are so good

it's been a week

but we okay

our faces long

but we don't sway

purple crescents under our eyes

but still our fists

face the skies

**** I feel so fake
but there's so much at stake
I can't let it fall without a rake
**** every breath I take
these groovy moves and shoulder shakes
**** this **** is fake

how do you love yourself
love yourself
tell me how to free myself
                        see myself
ooh
       show me how to breath and become
       how to conquer and be done
       ways to stand and speak with the sun
       methods of coping with memories spun
       hacks to keep these fingers not guns
      
learn me a becoming like none

She was Lead. Jacketed with Steel and Copernickle. She was so weighted and dragging in movement, one could not be sure she's been standing still her whole life. Waiting, as if packaged on a shelf. Her own mass betrays her, every day. Exhausted from fighting her own weight to reach very high, or step too fast.
She was as shocked as anyone, when the package was opened, and she removed.
She had as little idea as anyone, what would occur when he, like a practiced marksman, skillfully loaded her, knowing just where to aim..
and he shot her, with a bang her bullet  sped fast outwards and streaking through debree and walls and hearts and nature.
Structures big and small her bullet punctured,
it was a marvel, the bullet would not stop.
Never ricochet,
perhaps it would circle the earth.
perhaps it would break the atmosphere.
anyone who's anyone
walks with shielded head
for the answer was not clear.
Anyone who's anyone only knew,
that when her bullet was fired, her bullet, would not stop.

I washed my hands
but like waking frantic from a dream
I stopped,
and observed the knuckles.
They were so smooth.
The skin was even, white, and moisturized.
The sound of water splashing porcelain seemed so quiet,
and the soap... it was just soap.
The water did not thunder in my ears and linger hours after,
The soap did not feel like acid on my skin,
each pump no longer a breathless affliction,
and my skin was not red,
it was not violently cracked and scraped and bleeding and stinging my hands were not these raw bones that split apart with gritted teeth at my every movement.
And like falling back asleep I went into a daze,
curious how one could forget such a thing,
but on further concentration it did seem so long ago,
when the tear filled affliction plagued every moment,
my teenage life filled with
washing my hands washing my hands washing my hands
but now
I could not remember how many times I left class to clean them until I forced myself from the sink.
Perhaps my hands are clean, finally, perhaps they are washed of what I desperately tried to purge them of.
Or perhaps I remember now, because they have once again begun to feel unclean.
so curious.
how long ago that seems,
how long ago indeed.

they're pushin plastic
tellin me it'll be fantastic
but my brain goes static
thought my soul was bombastic
but they want me elastic
I swear that it's drastic
but they keep pushin plastic
and they pull out the mastic
it's a quick fix
to nix
my organic mix
bring on the gmo tricks
I've wished and I've wailed
but the words impale
I wanted
so dearly
to be proven wrong
told to be strong
but the throng
raising their prongs
keep pushin plastic

You see, I've got, so much poetry
and flow in me
I don't demand you agree,
just concede slight reprieve
so that I may breath
deep like the sea
and just as vibrant
and endless
a world on leave
I feel
in the end
there is beauty in me,
I'll never demand you agree
only please,
concede slight reprieve

I found an old box
of disposable latex gloves
and became
  entranced
  aroused
  foolish
I pulled them on,
   becoming breathless as their fibers
   closed tightly around my fingers
shaking
I raised a hand
to my throat
and let it caress
and clamp
tightly around it
the other hand
smoothing into my stomach,
together they moved
and groped
and pulled
tracing memories
of latex gloves on my body
desecrating my temple
praising my goddess
freeing me of-
         - I ripped them off-
                                       exhausted
                                       breathless
                                       ashamed
          I wanted more
          I wanted to ask for more
          I wanted to run back and ask
          I was still his sub his slave
          I fell to my knees and worshipped
          I was ashamed I felt weak
          I didn't care
        
          I wanted more

the sinkhole
in my stomach
screams
stretches
burns
devours

it only wants
to be loved

With you,

I grow stale,

Without you,

I die.

been laying here for hours
rug burn on every inch of me
every inch of me
the itch can't make me forget
how it felt when you touched
                                                         ­ every inch of me
it's impossible to say
how much I hate
                            every inch of me
                            every inch of me
my every day-to-today
is consumed
with thoughts
of what if
                        every inch of me
                      every inch of me
were not really me

Come with me space boy,
don't let gravity get you down
let me kidss that tender frown
do not let go-these failsome hands
to me
you are king
of these lesser mans
so please do not stay
I see your eyes stray
I gie you all I can
the ship to the expand
it leaves at 6 o'clock
grasp my body and rock
we could be together forever
so I ask you not to say
I'm floating away
come with me space boy,
it is all I've ever asked.

touch me

feel me

breath into me

satisfaction
of desire

mary unto me

absolute

glorification

It sounds silly to complain,
every other girl would say I'm lucky
say I've got it in the bag,
that I've got things I thought I'd never have,
yet still I am not pleased,
for while my bank account as been eased
my heart
has not

I dreamt

of Ombra

and others

violating

the sanctuary,

and the Goddess,

   loved it.

I miss
your hands
                     praising
your eyes
                   worshipping
I miss
   being better than human-

I miss the Goddess you introduced me to
and I am left in want
    of desire,
        adoration,
and absolute
        glorification

My head hangs
like a bridled horse,
I am worked to the bone,
I long for a loosened mane,
for open wilds,
for photographers to seek
my natural prancing
with praise
Oh I desire
to rear my giant legs
neighing unfaltered
and still
be glorified

I-
I-
am sick to my stomach
stiff like driftwood
thinking about you and her together
I-
I-
am sick to my stomach
knowing you are not honest

ugly girls cannot stomp their feet,
ugly girls cannot hoist their nose
                  cannot spit demands
                  or scream childish fits,
ugly girls cannot take
                     only give
                     only serve
             only be complacent,
ugly girls may not be served,
may not be shown off,
may not be pampered,
and they may not request so,
for they are only beautiful in soul, not appearance,
therefore,
to the world,
are not worth the trouble.
The ugly girls
must remain
ugly.