matteus is dead
a flower lays next to his head
as crimson as his lips
paper-thin and spreading rigidly.
his smile is small and ungiving as he would will it
so short-lived in my favor
so indifferent to my sentiments.
i am a shadow dancing on his gravestone
clutching needless memories as if they were a cornerstone.
i used to want him as mine.
crave what could never be
stoking and kindling
what never ignited.
matteus came and went.
matteus was never here.
matteus is gone for good,
and with him my senses.

solange say self care be a safe space.
a place to love.
to not deal.
months into therapy and i have not begun to heal.
the doctor say i got PTSD.
recommends skills for coping that i done heard before like
post it's of encouragement decorating my vanity
traumatic memories written pretty and rhythmic in a journal
stress wrapped beneath my prayer dress as i kneel in sujood
disorder made neat with Google calendar routines
or
something like that.
solange say self care be your house.
the comfort of hiding.
the keeping your mental safe.
see
i ain't slept in days.
because at some point the journey to bed transcended a frame of time.
became star gazing up at the texture of my ceiling.
became laps around the park at 3 am
became me welcoming lovers into my space to ferry me to my dreams.
solange say self care be your partner.
be eclipsing in the warmth of your love.
staying protected inside of complacency.
i welcomed him. them. the toxicity
my flesh still crawls at the shadow sensation of arms encasing my frame
coiling around me like snakes.
i have yet to understand love but i have grown accustomed to the volition of being ******.
or so i tell myself.
solange say self care be a mission.
a journey in itself.
to find rest in oneself.
i may not know nothing about no logical course of action or emotion
but some nights i find myself blazing down highland as if it was aṣ-Ṣirāṭ al-mustaqīm
and i get so frightened to my core of the honking horns and leering strangemen that i **** near prostrate myself on the street and make dua for protection and guidance.
say self care-
self care is...
self care be-
self care be tidying the mess that is i.
braiding my hair just for a ***** to pull on it.
wearing a pretty dress just for somebody to make me feel ***** in it.
coloring just to break the crayons in stupor.
making tea just for it to line my throat as bile.
laying down to sleep just to be awake for hours.
self care be a fight.
be a rush of anxiety imposing upon my nights
self care be a dream
a sweaty nightmare of ****** pressed against my back and weight dropping upon my shoulders.
self care be a struggle
self care be a disorder
self care be disorder
self care be me smiling in the mirror and saying mashallah i'm here ain't it?
it's ok to take this **** day by day.

in orange mound we sit on porches
the thin plastic legs of the chairs scrape the concrete
Spades
Dominoes
Neckbones
Chitlins
The sidewalk be scorching hot
And the mosquitoes be bothersome
We play loud blues
Drink Bud
Cuss
The oven and AC unit be hard at work
At constant war with each other
Like us over a game of 21.
I laugh and smile all too proudly
Cause yes I'm countrified
And yes I'm ghetto.
I'm the loudest and blackest there is.
You hear me before you see me
My voice enters the room before I
My body enters the room before I
And I likes it that way
Wouldn't do a thing to change it neither

im itchy as ****
memphis rained on my braidout
and soaked my chancletas

maybe gods upset
or im a bad volunteer

i swear i'll stop the i, i, i and me, me, me
i know it's like a broken record
flat notes and crooked chords
a walk of shame on my keyboard
i must know that the world does not revolve around mj
even when it closes in on me
kisses fresh trauma and scars so deep
nursing wounds that refuse to heal
i want to self pity
i want the validation
this is me opening my legs to the world
accepting that things will never go my way

i am the blues
the blues is truth
and i refuse
to let you steal
my truth before it reaches my tongue
my blues before i can sing it

i'll admit i don't sleep

there isn't room for it anymore

and i don't pray

for now i'll watch out for spiders