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Nov 2022 · 102
Jason, but again
Feeling Real Nov 2022
You told me again
In not so many words

This time I didn’t ask you
Why I was drowning in sand

Your hilarious moments
My part in your hands

You did not say why but
You did tell me when

And it was a month after I asked you
And you denied, denied my plans

But this time, you laid it out
Plainly and it really hurt

To see that you chose another when
I was still here in the world

So you will not be my lasting
My handsome prince

I did not choose to walk away
But you did, you did
Oct 2022 · 345
My Universe
Feeling Real Oct 2022
I will chase you down
If you don’t love me
Fashion hairpins from
Fish ribs
Bring myself to anti-******
Thinking of your
Valleys and hills
Carry buckets of water
Over all the trails

I’ll teach you the value
Of holding my hand
And the separate pleasure
Meeting for moonlight sonata
In the middle of daybreak
And I will do it
Drag the entire world down
To fit in your palm
I will do it

I’d like to meet you in a daydream
On the foothills of the Appalachia
Spreading seeds and carrying
My harvest basket
I’d meet you for board game night
Across the table
And I’d meet you at a quarter past three
The dead silent night
Lift up my arms and bask in it
Surrounded by all of you

The stars were never this bright until tonight
Oct 2022 · 83
Untitled
Feeling Real Oct 2022
I am standing on street corners
And huddled in the shelter
Every other
Fourth night
When the weather
Just, the frigid weather
Turns my bones to ice

He won’t drink with me like this
He can’t think beyond his brains, his fists
Oct 2022 · 123
Left on Read
Feeling Real Oct 2022
There was nothing behind it
The sainted windows
Where I sat and I waited
Peering beyond my own face

Ice cream cones and Captain America
No, I won't do it, I can't go it alone
Transparent through the glass
Nobody wonders if nobody knows

But you knew then
When the grins dashed behind our lips
The snowfall cushioning every footprint
You knew even when I didn't know

And all I have is the imprint
Your eyes
Because, you're just gone and you never said
Never told me
Never let me be alright
Can you believe this mf was in my life for a half a year - ****** off for another half a year- and rejected me but still couldn't stop ******* staring at me. this man had me in a chokehold is wear i would have done anythinnnnnnng to hit
Oct 2022 · 157
Glad to be ALIVE!
Feeling Real Oct 2022
I've been big and small
Bent muscles and snapping sinew
Ate grief for breakfast
Pancake platters
Black coffee
And an endless summer where
I sat over the river on the
Train tracks
Looking up

No one sees me now
As they did not then
But now I have myself
An itch, memories
My only friend

I've sat up all night
Gazed out the window
To see lights
Blue
And white
If I'm not living
Well
I won't leave at all
It's my life
Oct 2022 · 77
Jason
Feeling Real Oct 2022
I could make you live again
Pealing laughter, movie reels
Scandals, scarlet, moving through time
I can make the sheets unwrap themselves
It's you and I, you and I, alive

The wildest fantasies
Your secreted-away dreams
Victim, poison
Feather-light fingertips
Again I have shown you what I fear
It's you and I, you and I, tonight
Feeling Real Oct 2022
Everyone I touch
Leaves me
And I love them

There are no strangers
To have a coincidence
No one, not them

If I could be the starry skies
Or the freeway
Busy, all night

I could be the overpass
No one to listen to
Nothing to fight

I'd wrap myself in dandelion
Or whispers...
Endless pearls

I'd miss the morning
The next day, and ending
Of the world
__

Kiss me
Like morning light
The fabric of the sky

Like little diamonds
Precious pearls
I fashion from bone

What's here is no longer
I must have thought
I'd see the final blows
__

The world is rebelling against me
I must cradle myself
Hold me throughout the night
Red, lights, blue and white

I must wrap myself up
Place me in a glass bottle
Where none can touch
Just shining, shimmering, look-

My hair tangles and falls
Ditsy strands by the handful
In the same clothes as yesterday
And the days before that

I only exist to echo back out
I only drink if I intend to black out
I only wanted someone to notice
To find out ...

I no longer let my lips chap
Even when I want them to split and crack
I no longer curl my hair, or paint my skin
I don't starve my body
Or look everywhere for harm

I just imagine the steps to the overpass
I think of the glock, my guns
My childhood, on repeat, his arms

The last decade on the edge
When I could make no plans
Because today might be my last
In trash heaps, no friends
Wishing, wishing, wishing,
I could
The end
I am NOT feeling this way anymore. I've still been writing poetry just havent been posting it online so I'm going through my best hits and uploading them here. Please do not worry about me <3 I'm actually very satisfied with life and I've found God
Oct 2022 · 73
Sam
Feeling Real Oct 2022
Sam
He can touch me
Like I am a statue in his garden
To visit on every idle Tuesday, or holiday
Everything will turn to time

So I will let him feast on me, fearless
Wild, swinging vine to vine
Tearing smaller creatures apart
With just his teeth

We met at my weakest moment
And his highest pride
I am magnificent as a rainstorm
And just the same to ruin the daylight

I promise him nothing
But all of my nothings are cursed
To be sweet, nourishment
I am always so eager to fill his cup

I am only silent when I am too scared of the sound
May 2021 · 92
Like a flower
Feeling Real May 2021
I lost the only man I ever had
He looks me in the eyes
To say I’ve never had him
May 2021 · 319
Loveless
Feeling Real May 2021
I once had a dream of a handsome man
The kind with timeless, tired eyes
Four piece suits
And hair slicked back
Moustache



But now I fall in love with every glance
Every moment, each memory
Repeats into a cascade in my head
I was never as bright
As I was, as I shined
Every single weekend night
Feb 2021 · 250
Untitled
Feeling Real Feb 2021
All of my attractions are unaffected
By my presence or my fantasies or my rage
I am the devouress
The success in making my smiling face
Less of a menace
More, say, pleasant

And the anxiety won’t eat me up this time
Because I’ll live in sorrow, ignorance
Lay all my letters in a notebook
Where I scream between the lines
I never told the crime
And even though it’s not, it is mine
Feb 2021 · 80
Untitled
Feeling Real Feb 2021
I don’t think I’m the type of person to be loved
I will always do the loving
Only my tender sighs
Gloss curtains, silk
Brown hair, tattoos
Muscles and uniform
I fall again and again
For everyone and for you
And it never matters
Even when I need it to
Feb 2021 · 61
Untitled
Feeling Real Feb 2021
I can feel him
Like the ghost of a touch
The breath on a glass
Long forgotten

A temperature cradled in silk
After I’ve left the bed
That only holds
Until the room absorbs it

That’s him
Left in the last swallow of wine
Who you imagine
In the pages of the books you read
Oct 2020 · 55
Nights at a Gas Station
Feeling Real Oct 2020
I have to commit it to memory
Before it ages out of me
All the easy laughter
Pigtails, lollipops
Begging in my mind
Something will burn me down and consume me

I spoke of faking bruises
And pretending what was done to me
Tony said to draw in
A hand at my throat and Jacob laughed
Coffee stuck - A choke
And I don’t know
Was I the joke?
A message to shut up -
Or an image he’s thought of but not spoke

Tony asked me, who do I like?
Clarification - only who I work with
And I don’t elaborate on how’s or why’s
Caffeine and sugar sweeten my reply -
No one, just I
Just I
And I’m sure neither were surprised
I am both a pretty picture
And a nightmare -
Sigh
Names not changed because who gives a **** I’m anonoymous
Jul 2016 · 426
The "Un-"
Feeling Real Jul 2016
i'm trying to figure out why everything
is so un-
so underwhelming
the only escape is in scenes in head
in the silhouette of movie frame
in the space between the lines in song
i feel utterly
so un-\
inspired
intuitive
inundated
just save me god
rescue me from the none
the un-
Jan 2016 · 529
5. (Self)
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I have years in my head that are just blurs
Sitting in a trailer park, smelling charcoal
Climbing a pine tree, sap sticking my palms
To whatever bark unhinges itself
Scraps that cling to the life blood
Of it’s origin

I have an orange creamsicle ice pop
Memory
That summer, the Dog my mom and dad rescued
Ran away
I think he died
Or maybe it was she
But I played like a princess on the frailty of a washed up
Playground, decaying in disrepair

Just happy for the orange creamsicle
I am free
In these moments
Jan 2016 · 371
Suffocate
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I feel sick with the witness
Silk on silk, silt on fur
Hard wet dirt grains in the fabric

Pour buckets from branches
The tree-line at dusk reprimanded
Tellin' us we oughta walk away

Daylight has never been more friendly
Winter air whipping us like old friends
We never stopped at the warning

Ice-covered watershed and deep cold blue
Jan 2016 · 330
Weak
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I don't know where the wind blows
But it starts in my chest and takes me
It's somewhere like home
I'm over the slime and the tar pits
No splatterings or heat
Ever mar my body
I am alone
another ode to death i need to release
Jan 2016 · 358
Instinct & Cliche
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I'm swimming through it
Vacation from the past
Awkward, uninvited,
I give your wave it's crest
I give your way it's mess
Awkward, uninvited,
You say, if I let you go
You'll pass
But I have nothing and I am nothing
And nothing feels the best
I have the west
Grated into me, born, bred
Raised from the exit signs
Of a highway, the green of the background
The blanch of the words
I am only light when I'm reflected
The holographic card that shows two images
I am neither, you are both
And we spend Saturdays in bed
You spend rainy days with your hands in your lap
And your ****, thick and red
I am hypnotized by the blood rushing from my head
I stand and leave and breathe out, still in bed
Jan 2016 · 311
Musings at Age 17
Feeling Real Jan 2016
He said there’s always another woman

And nobody’s better than mine

Said he’d teach me the tricks, I’d be fine

I’m still a little girl, but I’m smart, he says all the time

I can do anything I want if only I could find

Something to occupy my feeble mind

And the days pass with nothing to do

I’m just wasting my time with my - with you

It’s true you’re the best thing to happen to me

Since I fell down and found this place on my knees
found this is a notebook from my senior year
Jan 2016 · 293
Tracking Number #XXIV
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I'm angry because the darkness came and left me
No calling card, no receipt, just a memory
Where the haze lingered and made me the joke
I can find no satisfaction in re-telling my woes!
I just feel and then I stay the witness, alone!
Jan 2016 · 523
Peter
Feeling Real Jan 2016
I. You don’t see him - you’ve never really
  seen him. You just open up to the stars and
  imagine him as the divinity watching you
  back. But stars don’t watch you and he
  doesn’t even know you’re trying to tell
  him something

II. You burned him alive - taught him trauma
   is made by repeats - made sure that even
   lain in his childhood home he would not be
   allowed peace. You never looked twice.

III. There’s something in his body you’ve missed
    by just taking flesh

IV. You’re only into monsters - His lying, his
    claws, his teeth. Wait to be eaten.
Dec 2015 · 449
3 lines
Feeling Real Dec 2015
Papers, not stacked but strewn the mess piles up
Somewhere, underneath the smoke
The bandages, there is the remote
Feeling Real Dec 2015
Sweet sickness beckons and against better
Impulse, I jump inside
Where the bones grind against each other
A clear yellow light just out of reach
Gesturing, follow me, come
I float down

**** me, I beg of endings
Everything is sweeter with a sour tongue
It's worse that rot, more obtuse
And revolting than ***
I beg of my body and I beg of your mind
Sweetness, please, just sugar
Dec 2015 · 383
Ghost Lover
Feeling Real Dec 2015
stark-white contrast with my

dark mind, soul gone, hair gone

admit nothing amidst loving

the chilling winter aura

for, uh, your control, um

I’m allowing you to have won
Dec 2015 · 377
Heathenry
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I will be strong
no recompense without release
not when relief is given freely
if I could just force myself
to be free
I will be dynamic
the dynamo grown old
muscles on muscles in brain
and my physical body
I will be strong, like
stone like lightening
like my god
like my gifts
there is no patron
telling me that I need
suffer any longer
my time will come
and I will
be strong
Feeling Real Dec 2015
i'm the abandoned streets
winter's lack of heat, darkness
at 3:45 am, the moonlight reflected
on the snow, just sparkling, pulling
marijuana smoke from my lungs

i'm candy coloured lights on a fake
christmas tree, spent hours unfurling
the branches, dangling spirit unto them
without care, forcing hot chocolate down
my gullet like it was the only familial
connection i'd ever be allowed a part in

i'm the dead heat of summer, where it's
just too hard to move, and even though
the air conditioning is functioning and the
sunlight seems so pleasant, it's just too hard
to rub my whole body down with sunscreen
and find shorts to wear and find a tank top
to wear and find a way to make my sweat
appealing to anyone who might see me out walking

i'm the night time, wide awake from sun down
to sun up, doing nothing, a trance state from
moon to moon, for gods and messages from god
i'm the studying for hours for no reason except
it's something to do and i'm not tired, i'm so tired
but i'm chugging coffee cup after coffee cup and
contemplating the best time to start pretending
that my life is fine for just a moment of peace before
i allow sleep to take me, the fantasy of reality
where i am as important as i want to be, my fingers
under the covers because even though i am alone
i am ashamed i might see myself touching myself
an anti-****** where i am one with my shadow
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I don't have the memories to corroborate
Your story is not my story is not the truth is not fiction
But it came from somewhere and I have it inside me
This awful weight, gradually shifting

I'm revolving around a single point somewhere
Beyond time, beyond space, in the shadows
I feel it and I can sense it but I
Can't move it away

Someone puts it into their lover, a bride, groom
I put it into a hairbrush, then mascara, then my lungs
Dec 2015 · 313
James Has Got It Better
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I like your big eyes
Light up my life with your fire
Burn me, red white and gold
I know you never said but I think the credit
Goes to: you were too old

James, I think, the lying has got to stop
He says, I'm not his only but I'm his favorite
And I don't think it can get more perfect

He thinks he wants me
When I beg to be included
He wants to touch me when I'm feeling loose
He's just so clever, ten steps ahead

James has got it better because he's in love with me
I asked him about it and he said that we're holy
He's just a vampire who's been born to feed
It's gotta be meant to be, gotta be, something telling me
The fantasy is just as real as reality
Dec 2015 · 488
Light Like Leather
Feeling Real Dec 2015
Someone collared my best friend, I noticed only looking back
We trade candy canes from her mouth to my mouth
They all watched but no one told me

I feel better with big hands on my hands
on my neck, on my *******

Sweet, sweet girl, they sang
It's time - your daily game
I'll put my hands together
In your lap or my lap
And we'll see who lasts the longest

Awkward Tuesday is not unconditional
They thought I loved them but it's not professional
I just take their money and the candy, and baby
I'm all the lonelier for it

Someone collared my best friend, I know that I wanted to be her
Because he liked it from my mouth to her mouth
I wonder why she was better

I feel better with big hands on my hands
on my neck and on my breast
I'm sure you've noticed

Baby girl, baby child, they sang
Hold on to this, you'll like it just try it
Here's a thing that we could do
In your lap or in my lap
I just want to be there forever

Awkward Tuesday is not unconditional
I really loved them but it's just not professional
I take their life force, their time and the candy
Baby, I'm the loneliest doll
I'm the loneliest girl, doll
I'm the loneliest god
an autobiography
Dec 2015 · 509
Sneak Out or Play Nice
Feeling Real Dec 2015
12 am, white summer night
Abandoned playground, warm Coors Light
I say, "I'm so nervous, let's play like this
Have some fun on the swings or slide."

You say, "Are you not ready? I've already
wasted too much time."


I guess it's funny, telling lies
Because I liked you and you liked to be liked
He gave me catnip at **** price
The ******* ******! I thought
Everything was alright

He said, "Don't get older, don't get cruel"
Like he had the power to
**** his ***** ***, that's not cool
But I got a bottle and a few

Sneak out or play nice
My basement is less entertaining
Than walking the night
Sneak out or play nice
You can try to follow me out if you'd like
Sneak out or play nice
I went with my best friend the first two times
Sneak out or play nice

I'm embarrassed to say we never felt quite like those nights again
It must be something that flees as soon as it's missed
using colloquial terminology because that's how i think and talk
Dec 2015 · 581
Contrasting
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I wake up the ghosts with the saddest songs
I can sing and I sing of desire
How nobody wants me, I'm so **** lonely
I walk down the streets and turn no head
I'm just like them

I'm all for lies if you disguise it well enough
I love to feel as long as it's all love
I've always found that darkness
Warms me more than the light
Just take me out, take me out

Let me cry

I'm the happiest when you leave me rotten
The ground is the dirt
It's me you walk in

Every kitchen floor is my bed sheet

The awful weight over me
I've always wanted to feel wanted
But it's been coming up less often

I'm the first type, the kind of girl who
Gets a taste before she bites
I'm a loose hook, a left-right
The circle-turning, your house is burning
Look at me, I'm more important
Stupid, I'm still talking kinda girl
Dec 2015 · 284
Take Me to The Party
Feeling Real Dec 2015
I've got the microfibers by a thread
Just keep unraveling-raveling
Maybe I'll wind up dead
Just got the mad old man by his finger
Three of mine wrapped around his bigger one
He's got the best idea, eyes wide in fear

I think he is the one

But he's not real, he's just a rake
There's no siren spell
He just sits and waits
And that awful lap is big enough for two

I never ask because he would want to

Why so rotten, my baby tooth
Wiggles around and leaves me
Sugar, sweet, a 200 dollar treat
Take me to the store sometime

He'll take me out to play sometimes

I never find - There's no one else
Who watches me like I'm something else
Ethereal, flaming, god-like wanting
I am something special

*I am something else
Dec 2015 · 365
Peace... please
Feeling Real Dec 2015
He never talked to me except late at night
When I grabbed a cigarette and took to the nasty light
Rotten flies dead in the sickening fake yellow
The lamenate floor in the kitchen
The feeling I've been left with

You've never looked more familiar than
On your knees, on the floor between my thighs
Your pale white breath on skin that left
Me colder than outside

Take me back to the grave

I just want to impress the world
Leave my name, coating under all their tongues
A leak - leaking, the water work's are coming out
Let them drink all of me down

I've been around longer than I've been
Waiting for you to have me
I guess I get it's all about
Making impressions that'll last me
Feeling Real Dec 2015
We weren't running from the glass left
Shattered on the apartment floor we were living
The best way we could, cabinets bare, feeling
Where could the best advice take us?
Where would we fashion the best replacement?
Kindness, strangers, bars emptied into wet pavement
We were beautiful before darkness
Said, "Hello"
Feeling Real Nov 2015
See you walk in instead of leave
Like my mind says you could go
I don't hold my peace
I don't know if I should show
These things are rare but if they appear, you know
It gets hard to see - it gets hard to be, alone

That's how the fantasy goes, unclothed
We're barely speaking words
I've learned that's not how the real world goes
I wake up and pray that it's time for sleeping, though
It's easier to get high than get to thinking so
I spend all I have, the stars seem glad for me

Thanks for being there at night
Internet is faster than my heart sometimes
Ask me something, I'm feeling like
Nothing is significant
Think I want something different
Life is stark, I'm feeling innocence
Like it's me, but it must be some inner fit

My clothes are always wrinkled, too
My head's got it's own interview
I'm always speculating, someone new
They're my brand new crush, new lover
but it's not true, she's game
I'm losing time, no change
I'd rather sit and be chained
Than lose myself in that way

She's starting her dancing, nice
I join in, dim lights
She ask me to go - I can't say no
No crying in the real world
No lying if you seem hurt
I don't ask what's up
I just came to **** she
Always speculating about my life
I gave her a gift and now she's texting all night
I can't do this, I shut out the lights
I never talk back, don't ever hit send
If that's the moral I guess I'm awful interested
It's fun to lose yourself if you're not second guessing it
if you wanna rap this send me a link!
Nov 2015 · 304
Confessional Poetry
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I am 13 when I decide for the first time my skin isn't satisfying
And the only way to remedy that is to break inside
To pull out something unpleasant, fill it instead with boxed wine
Fill it with soft-core **** alone in my basement while I text
The oldest man who's interested in me, and it's pleasant
Until I'm rejected for the 50th time

These people are so nice about it, they exchange me
My nothings are as sweet as the first metal bite against my wrist
and, this, I promise myself, is the reminder of what it feels like
To be damp with the must of underground, amongst the spiders,
Afraid to get up or touch myself or feel anything new

When I am 15, I finally realize all of the words cascading around me
Are meant to be the knives upon which I impale
I dye my hair again and let my future fall away
I was always convinced I didn't deserve to succeed, that it
Was always out of my grasp and I cry for the first time
For a solitary hour in my grandmother's bed
Because even the next room over, she can't hear me
And I spend the whole summer rationing my food supplies
And running myself to exhaustion every morning I can rise
Nothing was as tragic as that, because it wasn't a beginning
It was 3 solid years of losing every second
And distancing myself so far from every morsel of life
I eat but I've never recovered

I haven't had a friend since I was 15, and life is starting to
Become the tedium upon which I stay teasing
Would it be better to approach or defend
The heart
Nov 2015 · 643
Not Histronic
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I sometimes forget to pitch my voice up
and I lose track of my expressions and my body
And I stretch so high that my head never comes back down

Nobody talks about me anymore, and there is no relief
The way I walk still turns heads, my perfectly adept
Hair and makeup leave quite the impression
But silence follows in my wake

I am fine, not searching for attention my careful adage
I just want to make the best first impression
Heels and dresses and eyes and stomach and ***
I drink coffee for 2 out of every 4 meals
And gorge myself on all the emotions I miss out on, living
Solely out of the pocket I feel safe in, my home
A house that sits just next to a neighbor
But we never meet
Nov 2015 · 335
The Sea Floor
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I have carefully tailored my gaps
To be visible in only morning light
When I shrug off blankets and
Switch off the lamps, I find the
Air seems much more inviting
Much less frightening
Nov 2015 · 353
Hale
Feeling Real Nov 2015
He was criminally insane
Wringing hands, wild brain
Holding out on what he was
He was watching, grabbing paws
Treating me like a dog he trains
I'm so lucky, glad he came

It's fine, I swear, I like the light to leave his eyes
It's fine, so rare, a love like his just can't compare

When he fists a grasp about my arm
It's a child's hand-holding charm
I'm blushing under the crushing weight
He holds me back but it's too late
I'm fallen and he doesn't want me
My desperation is an ugly trait
Nov 2015 · 323
Repitition As Weight
Feeling Real Nov 2015
Father said immortality was a wave upon which I came and crashed
And to embrace the ephemeral like the claws of the cat, a scar on my knee
That vanquished all of my fears of living safely, blood, and who knew
It would outlast the skin, down to the bone, down, past the soul, the cut
I would make many more as the years left me

Father said my willingness to learn was a godsend, that too many folks
Waste their whole lives pretending they have all the answers, and I said,
"And, Daddy? What about you?" And he told me that he knew everything, and
Somehow that didn't grate unexpectedly then, as it does now
He lied to me and I lie to the whole world to right that wrong

Father said that how fickle it was, how time was, how time goes, how he just
He knows, and he let me in on the secret, the magnetics, electricity
The undeniable, insatiable grasp when the whole world is in your hands
We traversed all of the United States in a semi-truck, only breaking to sleep
Only pausing to look out of the windows at an Arizona desert where, maybe
The Totem Poles were the spirits of the dead calling out to us to stay, just once

Father said I was supposed to eat and am entitled to growth, how delightful
Change is, and I embraced that philosophy with enough barbituates poisoning
Me I could finally feel the infinity that he talked about, and how he shied away
From the word God, and still talked about his childhood and his destruction
As if they were tangible things, he said he's forgotten so many details already
jusso you guys know half of this is made up and i would never in my whole life call my father daddy because my daddy kink would really **** me up like tbh i can't even think about calling my father daddy without wanting to **** lol
Nov 2015 · 1.2k
Is It Death or Dying?
Feeling Real Nov 2015
I want tendrilic night to descend around me
And wrap itself, drape itself, like a curtain
Velvet and thick, choke and be sick
***** all over the carpets

When the blood slows to more manageable
Clotting, destroying everything it soaks
Tarnish the mainstream, the day dreamer
Wrapped thick inside of winter coats

Baby blue mist making it's way through land
The liquid just beginning to drop
Ivy vines, they wither and shed from sunlight
And grow back into the ground

Medicine is made from the dead flowers
That grow from the pits of Hades realm
Nov 2015 · 569
Shine on Silver
Feeling Real Nov 2015
You should be able to touch the shadows
Without losing yourself in them
You should line the edges in white marker so you don't miss it
The insistence of darkness and the pervasive
Void in your heart, just listen
When she told you, you were the only hope
The only witness left
Girls like her don't lie
Don't want for your confusion
They are the leaders
She could have been the matriarch
If she had a few more years to heal
But she embraced the shadows at the foot of the bed
Not even able to scream
It's okay, it's perfect, she's in the arms of her first love
Not able to breathe
Here you are, the years lined on your eyes
And between your fingertips
Cradling the difference in the shades
The lightness you can't bear to be
Justice for your wrongs
You try and find yourself no less a creature
You missed the transformation! You're a monster now!
You feel sickness
It's in all of your bones and blood and nobody
Will dare relieve you of the ache
No amount of distance changed anything
And he was the last hope you had
So you killed each other and you lived together
But not even shared bloodshed
Could heal the mess you made
Between your birth and the disaster you braved
I hate this but i'm keeping it up for nostalgia's sake. maybe i won't hate it when i'm 80 please don't judge me
Nov 2015 · 252
Seven Syllables
Feeling Real Nov 2015
in the heady coffee smoke
and siren basking sunlight
dead casket reminding me
sleep is not a friendly beast
Feeling Real Nov 2015
It feels like wind whipping through the darkness
Looking up at trees without leaves, through branches
Right into the cold black of oblivion where the sea
Parts and cradles and sits waiting patiently
For all life there ever was to end, for just a break
It gets so busy when everything happens all at once
Dizzying, drawing attention back to street corners
And cars bustling past the stragglers at 3am
Who can't decide if they would rather be living or dead
And instead settle for the nothingness between the two
Lounging on couches, covered in nosebleeds and picking at scabs
Longing for a youth that has been replaced by bitterness
You had a teacher once who told you that life spoils you
There has to be great care taken you don't die before you rot
He waxed on about power lines and the role of money in politics
And promised he was the supreme specimen, rational
But he forgot to look up at the stars at night, to remember
To inhale the smoke that's never visible, to exhale white winter frost
He never left behind his body in the pursuit of understanding
I miss him and the legacy, the promise of materialism
Everything seems so pointless from this vantage
Nov 2015 · 949
Paige, A Cellist
Feeling Real Nov 2015
God no you didn't die
I wasn't with you
God knows I never tried
To make me more like you
The evening never breaks
Without lightening on your face
If I could see it all again
I'd go back and watch it end

Magnificent
Dreaming friend
Never never sleep
It's not nice
I went
Screaming when
I saw your dying breath

Hold hold hold
Hold on
I'm not dreaming I'm not dying
Without your song
Won't won't won't
Won't you be
A little bit less frightening
A little more alive again
I don't pretend anymore
I know it's over but I can't move alone
Without your song
insp by teen wolf, you know, derek hale's first love who he pretty much ******* killed it's so sad really i really hope i did it justice

I hate this but i'm keeping it up for nostalgia's sake. maybe i won't hate it when i'm 80 please don't judge me
Oct 2015 · 410
Never Recover
Feeling Real Oct 2015
It’s too easy to breath in and let go
To each his own
Too smart to hone your skills
And jostling inside the passenger seat
The hills and barren plains
Tears well in my eyes, but I never cry
It’s not emotion, but a lack of body

It’s a void, black and white
But no color is not a color
so what is there to describe
I am devoid
Deaddened
Decreasing in size and volume and I
Realize that I am no longer the night
But I am not day and I do not shine
I am the otherside
If anything
I am an other, alright
I am
I have to be something
If not, then what
I am scared to find out
Oct 2015 · 397
Automatic Writing
Feeling Real Oct 2015
I am not willing to change
I am the ache, I am the night
I am the being
Inside that itches and lies
I am the master the servants ask for alive
I cry for death with each breath
That lets me have reprieve that I don’t need
Open up and grasp
and touch and love
It’s the best thing for you in life
Let go, let go, open up and show me
Who you’ve always meant to be
If you’re scared, I’m scared
I’m ready, aware
Open up, open up, open up
For me
Oct 2015 · 333
Autumn After
Feeling Real Oct 2015
What poetry is there in decay
You ask and ask and ask and ask
and you ask and you never shut the
**** up and wonder why you want
to decay in the first place

Do you want the winter in your bones
After you’ve beaten autumn
into submission? do you want
to proclaim your victory from an ice
mountain, your castle, your crypt
Your ******* skin stretched thin
Do you want to be the only winner
in the race to death
Yourself is the only one playing
So you’ve only lost by a hair’s breadth
Every time
Oct 2015 · 248
Claws, 2015
Feeling Real Oct 2015
Omens are comforting calculations, coincident or obvious proof
We wake with the dawn, moon not long gone
And echo down along the grass

You're telling me to leave the problem-solving to you
But you're a liar who's always been hurt
I'm sure you can't understand
Without the missing pieces I am
Nothing, no one at all
To reap from the seeds, you keep me sick and suffering
But it all balances out, spiral flowers from her grave
It's out of our hands but you protect like iron bands
Shackled her hips and waist
Bruised until grey, hair blackened waves
The goddess visits man, the following is brave
Eliminate the threat, put me further in your debt
The brightness grinds into my bones
The light's so low I can hardly see
I long to watch your transcendence entirely
I'm left without a lead that I can follow
If you look close enough, she said she was always hollow
I don't feel, no, not at all
My blood's gone dry, limbs, and I want nothing more than this
You're an impossibility wrapped in a death wish
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