I sat down – to write. On a white sheet with graphite. Behind me a stool. Enough to raise me – a fool. Up above a fan. Soon will suspend a man. Is that it? I say. No more a day after today. The sheet is dry. And I jot the letter ‘I’ I rehearsed this note. A thousand times by rote. Is this how it was to end? Or this is how it is to end. This sheet of paper and thyself. Have traveled separately To find a purpose on this table. Was the purpose to write a suicide note? And then hang self while the note watch me die? I began to write, And what I write, I read And what I read, I begin to like I befriend the sheet and graphite. The graphite says, “I won’t give up until you do” The sheet says, “Neither I until you two.” And I say, “For you two I will never too.” I go behind and climb the stool. Held the blades of the fan and dust them, Switch on the fan and the blades rotate. Air fills the room and papers begin to fly. I smell the air and say, “My suicide note saved me.”
In my court, You were guilty. But you pleaded not. I was the lordship, And our love was your defence None was the prosecution. And the result was your absolution.
A constant stream of arguments flow in my head (the court) as to whether she should be guilty of leaving me or not. I myself argue from her side that she should not be guilty. And that I put up a defence strong enough that the other voice shuts up (prosecution). I fight for her against myself.
Reality is that I was trapped in a dream permanently.
A shower thought. I am always fascinated by dreams and life. When we see dreams everything appears real till we wake up. What if life and reality is we being permanently trapped in a dream. As Buddha says, "The mind is everything. What you think, you become". Or the very famous proposition by René Descartes, "I think, therefore I am".
The unknown city Enveloped in dark So black even light would fear She walks on barely visible Standing still felt more frightening She feels numb She looks down and her legs missing She see busses and cars And trams and trains Being driven by people and their eyes missing There was sky but weather There were trees but leaves There were owls but feathers There were bats all crying She wanted to breathe and her nose missing A strange sound plays somewhere around Squeaks of abandoned seesaws and laughing clown Playing an opera of horror She wants to scream Her voice choked An immortal horror takes over She hears a ring A doorbell ring She breaks her sleep And realize it a dream The bell kept ringing She goes to the door The door won't open She looks at her bed She is deep asleep She shakes her up She won't wake up Tears roll on her cheeks her cry was missing She wants to scream Her voice was missing She opens the door The other side was missing She turns around She was missing In the unknown city