24 hours ago I was someone different
but right now I'm crying right where I'm sitting:
in this old photo booth on the side of the beach
where you left me after saying that we should end things
because this wasn't turning out the way that you expected it to be.

I guess it's too complicated for us to stay friends
after everything that's happened
I'm sorry that I can't take it back
you were my bestest friend and
now we don't even say hello or
associate with eachother in the
slightest amount of words or chatter.
and it's a shame because to you; *I mattered.

I will remember how you kissed me*
is just a line from a song that I've
been listening to for hours wondering
if you've been listening too I wish you
wouldn't have made me miss you like
this- it's not normal for me to want to
be wanted and looked at like I matter
to someone..

I don't want kids if this is what's in store for them:
depression, diseases, anxiety, emotionlessness, goodbyes, heartbreaks, bullies, stomach aches, pain, sorrow, tears, anger, even happiness can be cruel at times it can be worse than having a life threatening fever. But that
doesn't mean I don't want the good things for them:
goodnight sleep-tights, I love yous, first words, joy, exploring, going out as a family, not having to worry about abandonment or exporation dates
maybe someday the world will be a good enough place to have you here.
But right now all that I see are terrible things and not-meant-to-bes.

I'm wearing a candy necklace as I walk around this village there are so many thing that I happen to be seeing I see a little old lady crossing the street as I move the necklace between my lips and bite off a circular; flavorless piece little kids are playing and I'm shuffling my feet I sure do wish I could start all over in this life but somehow know everything that I do now I would eat less and stop trying to figure out how when where and why there are too many reasons and things in life to always be flooding inside of my mind as I'm sitting on a bench I pull the last pill off from this necklace and notice how things are becoming blurry   ..Maybe this time I'll do better and think less about things that shouldn't mean anything. What's the point anyways everything is hopeless these days I'm not doing anything it's a struggle to stay awake I used to sleep at night and go outside during the day but now I just want everything and everyone to disappear; go away which is why I'm leaving the planet today.

I might act like I don't care
but underneath what I wear
I'm an utter fool for you
I'd bend over backwords
to make your dreams come true
and it's all because I love you
I'm sorry if sometimes I seem
a little distant-
it's mostly because I'm trying
my best to be more realistic
and give you the space
that you say you'll take
I just don't want to make a mistake
and cause either of our hearts to break
sometimes it can be tricky-
controlling my feelings
because I can get clingy
there is a side of me,
that you have yet to see
please, no matter what
do not abandon me..
because I have feelings for you.

I'm not sure if I'm tired or wide awake
but I know for a ******* fact that if
I see one more black thing
dart from point A to point B
out of the corner of my eyes-
I'm switching rooms tomorrow night,
I'm sick of waking up paralyzed
from drunken dreams that force me
to think of him and wonder why
I can't be wrapped up in his arms.

I'm physically exhausted; tired
I want to take a bath and lean
back into it, avoid thinking about
you.. and forget everything that
makes me hate the world and me;
myself.

You don't understand, you say I'm
depressed but it's more than just
this.. I want to go home and smell
the air that surrounds me there
I want to step out into warm rain;
take in my fate and ignore my
designated place in the world..

My cold feet will slap against the
streets pavement and I wil stand;
awaiting my painful death
I've always believed that death
can never be painless anyways..

And honestly, I think I might just
crave this one thing because maybe
just maybe as they're crashing into
me... I'll awaken from a terrible
dream and realise I have a family
who cares and live a life where I'm
**h a p p y . . .