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Fae Aug 2014
The truth is, I don't want to fly
The sky isn't as beautiful as I remember it
There was a brief moment when
roasted marshmallows over a campfire in the yard
smelled like my childhood memories
Yosemite, Yellowstone, running through forests
with a wild happiness and invincibility I can never retrieve
What I would do to restore the streams of life in me
I would give anything
to be whole again

But the truth is, I don't want to fly
I don't want to eat
I don't want to walk another mile
in these ****** shoes
The truth is I am much worse
than I let on
The truth is I can barely keep this job
Because I don't have the strength to care
to get out of bed
I don't remember what the point is
I needed help and I got tired of asking
for things no one wants to give
Love, not medication
A safer home, not condemnation
Everyone's lives cluttered with their own
and I'm no one's own
I just
and when the people who raised you didn't do a great job
when you father said that he wouldn't have had you if he could go back
when your mother is simpering
and manipulative and a victim and a monster all at once
offering conditional, critical love one day
having scarring tantrums the next
when the place you grew up isn't a place of love and
there is no where to go but an emergency room

the doctors don't care about people in emergency rooms unless
you're about to die, and blood isn't
squirting out of my carotid but I sure as hell feel dead inside
they ask you why you aren't on medication
and you try to explain you just want to feel loved and not so afraid
and that depression needs a kind of care
no one is willing to give, which is why you're here in this hospital
with barely enough food in your system
acute stomach pains and chills and they look at you like
a stray dog begging for hospital food, no business being here
they don't give you emergency care in emergency rooms
your broken heart is not an emergency to anyone
But I can't form those words because I haven't eaten
and the pins and needles have spread to my mouth and my toes
I physically literally cannot form the words "help me" and
this scares me so much it is hard to breathe
it is so hard to hold the phone to call someone with stiff numb fingers
so I don't and I cry and I cry and I cry and my hands shake, and I cry
I cannot explain how humiliating it is
to watch the door shut by an indifferent nurse
because your panic attack, your wailing and sobbing is TOO LOUD
so you hobble on numb legs out of the hospital
(once you have gathered the strength and mobility)
and drive home shaking, hoping you can make it to a fridge filled with air
and condiment bottles and plain pasta
and hope the entire staff dies of cancer in a month
that's how bitter you have become

The truth is,
I am useless, a sick baby bird
and I wish someone could love me knowing and accepting
that I am broken
that I am trying to be okay, I am trying to be okay
but I am dying inside, and people keep closing their doors
The truth is, I am ashamed
The truth is, I need someone to feed me
three times a day until I can do it on my own
and put me to bed and kiss me good morning on the forehead
and hold my hand and show me that the world is okay
until I can get up on my own again
I need a break from this job because I can barely
pay attention to the road without swerving from fatigue or sleep deprivation
I need a place to rest that will not ask me for more money
Because I don't have any
because my parents stopped supporting me after high school
and I was a smart kid, everyone says that, but
I didn't have the strength or the heart to get up and keep going
So I stumbled through the world and the years
trying to finish college
but I don't have the strength to get up and keep going
when no one calls, when my family
can't look at me without seeing something wrong
I am out of everything
I try to hold onto routines, but there aren't any
and everything changes all the time,
pack up and move again
I wait for texts that don't come when they said they would and
the reason I wear the mask is because
once you take it off, everyone looks so disgusted
and asks why you haven't seen a doctor
and you tell them that you have, but no one understands that
unconditional love is a myth to you
and no one told you that it was going to be okay and
I don't want to fly anymore
Fae Mar 2014
On an island beside
shimmering waters
an arching bridge
promises to carry me to summer
while I nestle in blue grass
caressed by sweet nectar breezes
in a little village I built on my own while
singing goodbye to salty catharsis nights
and boxing up old weapons
I'm unafraid of swimming
with the orcas or the sharks anymore
Sweet, melancholy winter
what a pleasure it has been
May it be a long, long time before we meet again
Fae Sep 2016
break the surface just to breathe
choking on mere fragments of static in
a heavy, fuzzy, humid room dancing with smoke
no mirrors, only ghosts
whispering a thought
until the thought makes me choke
wispy fingers clench tighter
forgetting how to breath for hours
how do I tell you that you've made me cry when the door creaks open and I can't remember how to tell you anything at all?
as if the room was always filled with your scent
something that's unnameable and a button-up shirt
fresh out of the dryer
I fail to find the words to say
you **** me with your waiting game
Fae Jul 2014
I never wanted to describe this
Thick brushstrokes bleeding onto paper
Vain attempts to grow through the holes,
the pulsating mess of me

you built a garden with your lies
buds of peach blossoms plump with meaning
spring green with promise, I
inhaled for the longest moment, eyes closed
dreaming of the years,
how time would sing soft petals open
tripped and fell upside down, out of the clouds
into a war zone  echoing songs of another time

sour nectar dripping from rotting branches
tell me again how
could your fingers have moved
so gracefully in a pattern that
sent your lust to her
what didn't I have
what couldn't I have done

the filth of you,
not in the content, but in the design
in the breaking of rules
the violation, the dismantling of walls
the desecration of words meant for me, not for all of them
Pretty girl, pretty girl
such a pretty girl

I was in love with a parroting fool
I am sick
make it stop

unable to let go of our rusty railings
no one bothered to tell me which ship you were sinking
swallowed by dark waters to I don't know where
holding tight to the same hand that led me
down so many dark paths

how do I
explain where my heart has gone
when you have salted the earth of my garden
since the day it was planted
how do I kiss you when the wind passes
through your hollow chest, taking my love with it
leading me blindly to the slaughter or pasture
didn't matter,
as long as she paid you

how do I say
that sorry doesn't feel the same
that collapsed temples don't rebuild
they disappear beneath the earth
that it can never be as sacred as
peach blossoms and no one else
Fae Jun 2019
In your attempts to be my father, you took away my mother.

When I look at the vast expanse of willows swaying in the wind
humming a fading lullaby to me
absorbing the years I have lived

I feel the earth around me, dampening the ache in my chest.
It is so beautiful I could cry. A sea of green life
carrying the weight of all my self loathing, your words, memories of the sweet sting in my chest and
an inability to craft the words that would make you stop.

Quietly stripped of excuses, the anger blows away like cotton
until there is nothing left to face but my own desolation.
I am peeled open and pouring out

Maybe this is why you cry at thousand year old Catholic cathedrals
the yellow and gray carved stone, patriarchal monuments
to destroying the natural way a thing is and rebuilding it
in the image of a god that replaced the father you never had
as if the world were only beautiful if it were man-made
as if what you were given wasn’t enough

In the wetlands I try to wear your mask and
picture a vast city of renaissance architecture
and cobblestone streets,
marvel at the echoes of an older world.
I imagine what it would be like to to have
such an ignorance to everything here that I could tear it apart
and create something that attempts the intricacies
of a system far older and wiser.

But I see peace and patience and release and god in juniper waves
in the diving swallows that frighten you I see joy and freedom
I cannot understand, I will not understand
how I am meant to be more important
than all of this

Lying in a pool of grass, I breathe out your expectations like smoke
refill my lungs in the cool breeze of my wetland mother
Without a castle or a church, I am enough
Fae Sep 2019
and I
wish I could change it
and we're always gonna be
and oh,
I know what we need
you start letting me go
our love is tainted
credit to BANKS for all lyrics, excerpt of Contaminated

— The End —