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Fae Jun 2019
In your attempts to be my father, you took away my mother.

When I look at the vast expanse of willows swaying in the wind
humming a fading lullaby to me
absorbing the years I have lived

I feel the earth around me, dampening the ache in my chest.
It is so beautiful I could cry. A sea of green life
carrying the weight of all my self loathing, your words, memories of the sweet sting in my chest and
an inability to craft the words that would make you stop.

Quietly stripped of excuses, the anger blows away like cotton
until there is nothing left to face but my own desolation.
I am peeled open and pouring out

Maybe this is why you cry at thousand year old Catholic cathedrals
the yellow and gray carved stone, patriarchal monuments
to destroying the natural way a thing is and rebuilding it
in the image of a god that replaced the father you never had
as if the world were only beautiful if it were man-made
as if what you were given wasn’t enough

In the wetlands I try to wear your mask and
picture a vast city of renaissance architecture
and cobblestone streets,
marvel at the echoes of an older world.
I imagine what it would be like to to have
such an ignorance to everything here that I could tear it apart
and create something that attempts the intricacies
of a system far older and wiser.

But I see peace and patience and release and god in juniper waves
in the diving swallows that frighten you I see joy and freedom
I cannot understand, I will not understand
how I am meant to be more important
than all of this

Lying in a pool of grass, I breathe out your expectations like smoke
refill my lungs in the cool breeze of my wetland mother
Without a castle or a church, I am enough
Fae Mar 2019
we are a graveyard
the birds don't sing there
and I won't come
the history is written on me always
my fettered spirit swaying like a cloud
innocence underwater
this war has made us
ghosts of each other
praying that the light of sunset
drips over everything
until it's all golden and dry
and I can't remember
the sharpness of everything

the bitterness, the sour tasting memories
I drink each time I see your name
no kindness or happy time
could cast over this shadow
Someone else's angel, maybe
but you are my dreamless sleep

these nameless headstones serve us
like black water in a desert
with my forgiveness, please take
your life and your ghost and your wondering
out of this barren forest, this abyssal nothing
into the warmth of reflections
that have smiles left to offer
Fae Feb 2019
how
a rose doesn't capture it
or a gemstone, color, spirit animal
blue-white new age glossy frames of text
instructions, categories, futile totems
that I place hopefully around
rivers and rivers of you
shining wet on my skin so bright
I can barely understand
the weather won't ever be mine
in the fog it's difficult to feel
desert or delta
whether this runs dry or not, it grows
impossible to come to terms with my smallness
so I curl up in your smile and hope
the leaves never stop falling
Fae Jun 2018
dark night like it is now
same spin in the room
meant for me but my eyes were
on you
round soft words all over the floor
slippery, uncontrollable thoughts
spilling into a dark pool of
conversations I didn't know how to have
learning to never say I like playing dark games because
because
because
because

wearing my hair the same way as
if I can go back to before
counting all the red flags doesn't
make me any prouder of myself
you were never for the best but
I wanted a mistake, not a scar

I just
wanted your hands on me for a little while,
your mouth leaving marks on my neck
and then
a long drive home with memories to swim in
until land, until my heart made sense and wasn't
sick and broken and flooded

I ask myself what stupid, naive
immature part of me wanted to impress you so badly
that I accepted your observations of
the type of underwear I was wearing
as a counterargument to the plainness of my words
struggling through a storm of confusion
something about your face, I hated that
I wanted you, but you never
explained what game we were playing
echoes of my own desires churning in my stomach
things I wanted some other way
how can I say that you hurt me when I
wanted you to hurt me.... eventually

the motion of your hips is still stuck in my head
like a day at the ocean but it never goes away
when i could feel it up my spine and in my throat
when it was making me nauseous
staring at the wall and
imagining where I wanted to be, what I wanted to hear

and your name
your name
your name
your name, please
an attempt to bring you back to
some empathetic human form, not the
sick animal that wasn't letting my arms free from clenched palms
the words in my head, etched as if maybe some
other ghost said them, some other girl

and then prickly static all over my body
like a lost TV station
the words muffled in my mind, somewhere inside
the will to move, but it wasn't happening somehow
how do you know a stranger won't **** you in this space?
in this strange void between moaning and screaming?

minutes felt like days
and I hear you mumble something about
how the ****** didn't stay on
some kind of accident

Silent tears, the debate
where to sleep, how to sleep

I cried later because I kissed you in the morning
and you didn't deserve it
I thought this made it easier, that
I was attracted to the dark
better off with one bad night
lied to everyone, and the ones who
heard about it made themselves scarce
i'm sorry, silence, new subject
bury it like we bury
everything that needs healing

months later, at the bargaining stages
of my grief, trying to see you again,
as if a different night would make it better
paint over the blood stains
in the end I embarrassed myself
not for trying, but for making you worth the time

you were a bad night
in a bad room
bad words, bad decisions
I blamed everything else but
suddenly everyone is talking about
bad rooms and nightmares and
some woman in a room is listening to me
ask myself if it was true
Fae Feb 2018
his hands have folded my heart into his palm
warm like dough, pressing
into me with each word, each
kiss is new and strange and tense and
comforting all at once, soft and dizzying
oozing through layers of brick and mortar
that I laid so surely around myself, painstakingly
as if any wall could keep honey
from pouring over its edges
the bluntness of his words
sear through me without warning
lashes of kindness that leave me ashamed
of how I had cringed
as if I deserved anything else
and suddenly I'm afraid that
9 lifetimes wouldn't be enough
that the sun in the afternoon would feel like
a knife in my heart without his touch
when love has seeped into my blood
so hopelessly that his absence makes me itch
to cut myself open and rid my body
of the pulsing reminder
that I have always been
filled with too much water
deep and boiling, snapping and rushing at
whatever touches me for too long
but his voice rains over me until
I am finally still
Fae Jan 2017
deep blue dreams of a world where you've passed on
even the sunlight is cold, streaming onto the kitchen sink
the world is incredibly quiet after someone has left it
a strange universe where we cannot fight over our grievances
or become bitter about past wounds because only
wind blows where you used to sit, and a deep knowing
sets inside my bones, that you are never coming home
you walk and talk and exist outside
of the blue haze, in the flesh
but your spirit has abandoned the rickety house of
fragile hopes and uncertain desires
it was necessary, it was goodbye, I try
to tell myself that this kitchen won't be blue forever
flipping through yellow pages for a name that time erased
drag myself out of the wasteland
Fae Jan 2017
It feels alien to watch
my heart break without the rest of me breaking with it
my skeleton didn't crumble, I am not
a pile of ashes collecting inside an empty bottle of wine
just a jagged tear messily splitting a soft, beating lump of flesh
a little monster hellbent on destroying itself
why does the heart impale itself on arrow-shaped loves?
why don't I ever learn that the way in is never the way out?
all the way through, you went all the way through my life
latching onto what burned through me like a comet
finally letting myself fall with blistered hands and empty lungs
plunging into waves at full speed, bashed around by
a grief so deep its currents stole gravity and oxygen
and anything else that made sense before
every tiny impact of my existence painfully reminding me
in breaths, steps, quiet dinners
an echo of alone
A song on the radio isn't about us
but the notes and the melody have the same
howling anguish of losing you
I thought of it and didn't drown
but it rained all day

Your face in my mind is like leaving home
that wistful ache of turning back and seeing how far I am from it
the pain of choosing between the rest of my life and the rest of his
loss is not a wound that closes up nicely, it is not
a heavy weight that becomes light as a feather
it is a scream in the night that turns into a song
time can only teach us to sing without tears spilling down our cheeks
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