I think the hardest part about typing this is that it suddenly makes it feel so real. I broke up with a girl who could have been the one. My one. **** this is hard to type.

When we dated, everything was good. I say good because that's exactly what it was.

It wasn't breathtaking,
but maybe it could have been.

It wasn't something that woke me up early in the morning and kept me up late at night.
But I wanted it to be.

The problem was that no matter how much we had in common, and no matter how well we got along, there was nothing else to it.

And I sometimes wonder if that makes me a selfish person.

What do I need from someone in order to be perfectly happy? What separates the content couples from the happiest couples?

There was nothing wrong, but there wasn't enough right. Does that make sense to anyone?

She's an incredible woman--smart, driven, funny, and when I say her smile can blow anyone away I'm not exaggerating one bit.

But I didn't love her.
And maybe that was it.

I saw how she looked at me. The pair of eyes that say "there's nowhere else I'd rather be on the planet than right here, with you."

But my eyes didn't have that look.

I didn't want her to be dragged along while I hoped and prayed that someday, somehow, I'd have those eyes. That I'd have that feeling that my heart hurts for her.

And now all my eyes have are tears.
My hopes and prayers are a thing of a past.

I know it's a cheesy line but in the song Shadow of the Day there's a line that goes "Sometimes solutions aren't so simple; sometimes goodbye's the only way."

And maybe that applies here,
but maybe I just want it to apply.

I just wish future me would tell present me that I made the right decision.

Yet part of me wants future me to tell me to call her, and tell her I can't stand being without her.

I open my eyes,
and for just a second
I am unsure where I am.

Get out of bed
brush teeth
get changed.

I step outside,
and for just a second
I think today will be different.

Walk to class
take notes
walk to class
take notes.

I enter the dining hall,
and for just a second
I see that face I can never talk to.

Left turn
right turn
left turn
I'm home.

I step inside,
and for just a second
I think tomorrow will be different.

Undress
brush teeth
go to bed.

I don't have much to offer.

But I will repay you.

Give me a direction,
I'll run towards it.

I have the push,
just give me something to fall onto.

Give me a chance,
I'll prove myself.

I have the passion,
help me apply it.

Just tell me what to do with my life,
and in return

I promise you.

My blood, sweat, and tears.
They are all yours.

Dad tells me I'm crazy
Mom says I'm insane
But how can I begin to explain to them
What I feel inside my brain?

The doctor calls it OCD
says don't do that anymore
I say I need to be free
I'll touch that corner till I'm sore.

They don't know what I know
How life would be if I paused
and then they'd come back to me
after seeing what they've caused.

If I grabbed your face and kissed you right on the lips,
would you kiss me back?
Because ****
this scenario playing over and over in my head just won’t do anymore:

I weave my hands through the back of your hair,
caressing each strand as if I’ve done it before.
And when our eyes meet,
nothing else matters.

But now my hands feel so cold.
Now everything matters.

Thinking that you’ll kiss me back is the morphine
my heart needs,
to prevent me from kissing you.

But tomorrow I am above the influence,
I could take the chance and kiss you.

I will take the chance and kiss you.

I couldn’t tell you why you matter to me
But you do.

For when you smile in my direction
My heart hurts in a good way.
But when I turn around and see
That your smile is intended for another
My heart hurts differently.

I want to tell you why you matter to me,
But the words I’m searching for do not exist.
For many words exist to describe a feeling,
But my feelings for you cannot be found in them.

And then I wonder if this feeling for you exists,
For how can something exist that cannot be described?

And while this question runs through my head
You pass by.
And while I wrestle my heart to stay in my chest,
You smile in my direction.

So I smile in yours,
Praying
there is no one behind me.

She always sang smoothly,
startlingly scrupulously,
after studying the stanzas for mere seconds.
Anglerfish Annie I called her.
A voice as pure as heaven lit her lure,
the one-way ticket that swallowed those kids
into an inescapable abyss.
I watched as those thirsty jaws grew dull,
and that mesmerizing light died out.
Hanging over the windowsill, atop that disturbed building,
her hauntingly beautiful voice showered down once more,
reverberating through my bones as it always had.
As the last note hurried to accompany its creator to the ground,
It was shrouded by the yells and sirens booming from the Institution.
I saw all the lost souls pouring out of her mouth,
And thought of how they knew Annie more than I did.

I crawl unnoticed
into your bed,
having done so many times before.
I know you.

Familiar is always inviting.
The warm sheets, welcoming pillows
bound reflexively around you.
I am that inch of the bed
you never knew.

Darkness and discomfort rapidly infect
the free-spirited bliss that befriends you daily

Toss left.
Toss right.

Your brain in my hands,
a black slab of clay

Open your eyes,
all that seemed so clear, now
clouded like a stone dropped
into still shallow water.

I decide to unchain you,
for you may manage your physical existence, but

I am the puppeteer of your alternate reality.