I'm not sure what I expected,
but it wasn't you.
it wasn't this.
I'm not sure what I expected,
but it wasn't love.
it wasn't love.

what was it you saw in her?
so fast, when you claimed to love me?
how could it have been so deep
that you forgot what we had instantly?

you saw her for seconds,
Talked to her for minutes,
then by some strange justification decided
You Loved Her.

I don’t know if it was partly my fault,
pushing you away, but I only pushed you away because I knew how we’d end.
I’ve seen it before, and will see it again.
no loss for you, no heart, no law,
No light breaks through my window anymore.

September is creeping at summer’s corners
with stealth, so slight, so slender
flakes of gold, no fight, still tender.

there is something so very Soft,
about you.
Something cinnamon,
soothing and sweet.
Something woolen,
something warming,
something very Soft about you.

I wish I could love you
in that path
You are so kind and you
Make me laugh

I wish I could see you
In that shadow
You are so talented and you
Had me so

Torn.
Because I do love you
Just not in that way
I hate that I don’t
But love you, I won’t.

To sit and sip
On bitter foam
That warms from in within
Among the pretty snowdrops
I commit my deadly sin
the curl of crescent starlight
that will not let me in
push blossoms out of bare wood
Begrudgingly, it’s spring.

Why do you come in and out of my life like a raging tide?
Stay gone!
Stay gone!
I was doing just fine.

“Been ages since we spoke”
I wanted that to stay.
I wanted you to just forget
That dreadful doubting day.

I’m happier without it,
Though often think of you,
I’ve met a man who loves me so
Much more lovingly than you.

I know you know you hurt me.
I know you know that sticks.
But You don’t know what impact your
stones have caused my bricks.

The ones that build me, form me,
Are still all cracked and chipped
My insides torn apart at all the heartstrings you have ripped.

Why do you never stay gone?
I beg you’re unaware !
Why do you never stay gone?
PLEASE  let me repair.

I ache
for the smallest parts of me
that you took when you left
my hope
my trust
my innocent love
ripped from my mind and bereft:

i mourn the glimmers of freshness
new, like the morning
Replaced by the doubts
Feeding and gnawing
Less hope
Less trust
Less innocence love

I soldier on to the upcoming dawning.

let me float
with the swells of your mood
and the smells of your tiny apartment
breath you in
out
as we sit cross legged on your
sagging sofa
summers afternoon is drawing in
to a confine
and I am claustrophobic.

Stuck in a secret safe haven
That shakes with anticipation
aches with adoration
resonates your thunder.

measure the midway, that cavernous kiss
torment of the raging waves
commentates angelical bliss
softly in those criminous caves.

endure and wail with the whispering wind
the tyrannous acid lash
twice the insidious harmony
of foamy thunder ****.

crawl and curl into turbulant annex
antagonistic reverie
thrice the slaving metroplex
of every elder tree.

does that memory of me
on the sofa seem so
far away?
well then, who called you the taxi
and made sure you got home safe?

I bet you still remember the things
you said to me
the ones you claim you never spoke
safe place, no longer free.

I have been a shadow in this space because of you
no longer will I sit and stare until the walls burn through.
I still cannot hear anything but that heavy silent house
I still can't quite conceive how you were quiet as a mouse.

You said that you weren't ready
but you were just for She,
I was a fool for thinking you could cope with
loving me.

i tattooed a heart
on my wrist
to remind me of you
and how you stole
my love from off my sleeve
so i never let it happen again.

may I ask what shaped your love
of fragile, bitter, true,
can I tell which wrong is right,
I often think of you.

abysmal, blunt, imperishable
moderate to none,
may I ask who carved your love
from segments of the sun.

that slight touch of tenderness
softens beyond the blue
glistening tears of gentleness
my kind regards to you.

spring blossoms into summer,
and summer falls to rust, and
the only Thing I know and love,
has left in cardboard dust.

there is a terrible pain
an aching waking dragon
writhing inside
At her name

there is a terrible fright
A devastated, hatred
which arises
At her sight

A terrible fear
Much deeper, the reaper
Has come
For me.

never do anything,
without loving it like I do
never just exist,
just because you have to

run with the sun
and smile in the salt
love like your love has never been lost

soak up the warmth
and play in the snow
be who you are
there are places to go

I loved you so long that I turned into something
I could not recognize.
By the time the ordeal was over I was no longer a girl but the shell of a shivering shipwreck left to rot among the rocks.
My senses had all been cast astray in the disaster, and, dressed in white waves, I had crawled my way back to shore.
I still do not know how I made it out of that wreckage. I only remember the voice from the depths assuring me I would survive, and I did.
and I am.

another november creeps in at the corners, and her omission of modesty has once again amazed me. the trees cry, golden tears that tesselate under my toes, cloaking the concrete in earthy hues that might fool you into thinking humanity had never touched this realm of benevolent bliss.
But it has, for this metropolis is full of foolery, of factories and fame,
all of which have obnoxiously trampled every square inch of the woodlands which once ran riot over the distant, deserted hills.
Mists of fine floods hang now, like a veil in the haze of a rainy wedding day.
There is thunder in the eyes of the untamed, the flesh and blood whose dwellings have been disturbed by savage, civilised society.

you were toffee to my teeth
initially tasted so sweet
soon sickly, twisted and knotted
to my soul you
stuck and rotted

Why is it
That I am at my most creative
When I am in the most pain
That I produce as I labour over the emotional debt I've been building up for one too many years.
That is unfair.
Why is it that
All these tortured teenage girls
Cannot sleep
Cannot eat
Cannot drink
But can choke
Choke on the pain like they choke on the ***** they will become addicted to
Cough up their lungs because of the drugs their parents told them not to take
Shudder as their legs are pried open by fingers that do not belong
Fingers that are attached to those you thought that you could trust
Cry, in the shower
So nobody can hear you
See you
Feel you
Taste you
Breathe you.
Build it up and up and up
And you are untouchable
Nobody can tell you
It'll all be okay
Because it is not and never will be.
The anti depressants you were prescribed can numb the pain
But not eliminate it
It will always buzz on the back of your brain
Like a bee flying into the cold glass of a window
Again and again.
You are trapped.

how am I supposed to know
If love is true and I’m to grow?
For I felt love at the hands of a liar
while I cried, as he got higher,
And I felt love as I was used
Over again, as self was fused.
And I felt love as rumours were spread,
Through hours of wanting to just be dead,
BUT
I felt love at the laugh of my mother
The calm embrace of my older brother
I felt love at the smile of my dad,
Whom, though caring, can drive me mad,
And
I felt love at the friendships we’ve formed
the girls with whom I’ve laughed and mourned, and I felt love in the nudge of the dog, the soggy walks home and the days full of fog.

loving you is a ******* lot.

i cried again today,
because  despite it all,
it's still you.