i barely remember.

sweet darling,
i care not for your love,
if your love cares not for me.
sweet angel,
one never was so compliant
your eyes used to speak,
but they've always been silent
sweet darling
who suffered so deeply in guiding
sweet angel
I loved you,
though  your love was in hiding.

i lay awake last year

on a flight from mexico to here

i saw all the lights of london

flickering,  like the sun

i figured out that night

how i felt  in flight

looking over the world

love became unfurled

I surely saw an angel,
For a solid space in time.
I surely heard her singing,
For a love she longed to find.
I surely felt a silken hand,
Brush tenderly with mine.
I surely saw an angel once,
Before she fell in line.

Suddenly there’s blackest joy,
Filling every vein.
I sing of luck and liberty
That’s quickly stripped away.
My touch is dark and fever some
Infecting every day.
I surely saw an angel once,
She has slowly slipped away.

Pulsate your peevish pain
through every inch of me,
call it love,
your preposterous purity
pumps in my veins now,
I cannot escape your
Vice, I laugh that I once
Tried.

That is a part of me now.
That same sickness satiates
Each nerve of mine.
That same slaughterous sin
sounds like the echo of
My bare bones.
That slimy sidekick that
You call sanctimonious
Writhes, sorry in my skin.

Pre-existent Angelface is nothing
But a wistful, naïve miracle!
She is chained with heavy wire,
Remains in my grains.
I believe she weeps, out of sheer
Celebration, for she is a
ferociously forgiving creature
Blind to her nature.

run your hands
through golden strands
speak softly,
ask me how,
then
mantle my cheeks,
you flush my brow.

caress rosebud lips
and hug my hips
sing sweetly,
ask me why,
then
turn around for I am one,
to exist until I die.

another name
To add to my page of heartbreak
another name
To keep me numb
Another name
To romance, for a second chance
Though he is second to none.

another face
To associate with love
another face
To curse with praise
another face
to rehearse each small graze
On our downward facing days.

another heart
to submerge in anticipation
another heart
To learn each crack of pavement
another heart
To bleed dry, with a needle to the eye, when all my energy is spent.

another day
To pay for the holes in myself
To jump off of the highest shelf

another fate
To hate with an upward trend
Well I don’t need another friend.

back and forth the
pendulum swings like those
playground kids
at midnight

me and him
dark moons and orangey
streetlights
his shirt

my frozen frame
he pushes me
and i swing
back and forth

like his drug habits
back and forth and i am thrown
into time
headfirst then backwards

and i see him, all of him
his childhood, his happiness
his trauma
all coming together to create

one chaotically beautiful human being

and as i swing i mention
my childhood, my happiness
my trauma
and he calls it fascinating

calls me a beautiful tragedy
and back and forth we swing.

I often wonder what the strangers on the bus think when they look at me, looking at the raindrops race each other down the misty
window panes.
do they see the sadness that satiates me?

there is a girl, whom I recognise, but can't think from where,
She seems to see the sadness there.

we've talked but once, she has purple hair, its long and straight.
She seems to care.

I know not her name, her aches or her pain,
I know not her life, her troubles, her strife,
one thing is sure, though I don't know her nature,
I know that this girl is a Beautiful Stranger.

the softest glow of careless fight
classic books and candle light
Tissues missing from their box
soak up blood with knitted socks

love and sheets and dented dreams
ripped apart by broken teens
purple flowers, palest skin
blossom with the thought of him

there’s someone standing in my room
the shadow of the ghost of you
collarbones stick out so sore
hit and kiss right to the jaw.

walls they cry and shrink for you
bars will break and let you through
frightened for the fight of wives
laws because girls turn to knives

i don't want to eat today
do not force me.
i don't want to talk today
let me listen.
i don't want to leave my bed today.
lay with me.
stare at the ceiling and hold my hand.

they told me,
it will only get easier.
i have never heard someone utter such a ******* lie.
i am thrown upwards and downwards
backwards and forwards by
my brain
a rollercoaster of overused metaphors
for the grief i feel daily
monthly, hourly.
every minute and every breath holds a different
emotion.

you are so full of honey
syrupy sweetness
tell me why you turned so bitter

to have loneliness resonate through me at such a young age
to feel the dull ache of constant emptiness
feels selfish, when there is so much beauty that surrounds me.
I want to be rooted to the ground.
for I am deeply a child of the universe and I should know my place.

the night of your disappearance
i cried a flood
and tried to drown myself in it.

for the next four weeks i mourned
the loss of you
greasy hair and no showers

just wandered around my house
no appetite
just sadness eating me alive

on the 31st day i worked up the energy
to stand for a half hour
to burn you off my skin

and to wash you out of my hair
i swept the dusty floors
and changed my cotton sheets.

washed my face, scrubbed my lips
of their outer skin.
how does it feel knowing now you've never touched them?

just how fast one flies away
when they are threatened with
a tether

I don’t know why
Or what it is
But I can hold it together all day
Until he asks
If I’m okay
And only then I ever crumble.
Eyes fill up quicker
Than my stomach when I see
My reflection.
Maybe it’s a father thing.
He just knows.

Lots of my poems are
Depressing
And that's not how it should be
But that's mostly how I feel
Purple and deep deep dark dark grey
it's not all sunflowers and picnic blankets and daisy chains
Sometimes life is simply a refrain from feeling like you should jump off a ******* cliff into the sea
And never surface again
Sometimes my poetry is wholesome goodness
Fun for all the family
Until it gets
Inappropriate
For anyone to read but me because it's deep deep dark dark and very very dangerous

I am tired of trying
The old you can’t be cloned
I am sick of crying
And watching you get ******
I am through with lying
Oh, I heard you when you groaned
I am not replying.

I am done with darling
The sweetness has been framed
and it’s quite alarming
To see what has decayed.

my hair is too short
too short to tie up
too long to be free
too tangled to love

my face is too sad
too sad to be bright
too red to be snow
too pale to be light

my hands are too weak
too weak to point out
too small to hold
too tired to scout

My skin is too soft
Too soft to be smooth
Too rough to be felt
Too broken to move

why do you yell?
why do you say these horrible things
because you love me?
because i could never get anyone else to love me.
and i storm down the stairs and
crawl into my bed
covering my head
and i cry.
i cry waterfalls into rivers into lakes
while my mother strokes my hair
and i love her but i need her to leave
but i am scared of what will happen
if i am alone.
so i try to sleep, but i choke
everytime i lay down and each
morning i wake up with marks on my
cheeks.
breathing quickens as i remember
what happened the night before
and how i am too afraid to open my
bedroom door.
i consider the window.
consider the faulty lock.
consider walking to His house at 2am.
he is the only one i can count on.
but i cannot worry my brother like that
and my mother would be distraught
i want fresh air
and water
but i do not ever want to eat again.
the sight makes me sick.
I want to wander away from this forsaken house
to somewhere better.
but is the grass ever greener?
because at this moment it feels like every blade is
dried and dying.
feels like thunderstorms and rain clouds but not
the exciting kind.
the terrible,
melancholic,
cursed kind.
the compressing kind
the depressing kind.
the kind that makes you want to jump off a ******* bridge
but the water's freezing.
the kind that provokes earthquakes.
i don't even know what kind means anymore because
the only one who shows me
i have not seen since april.
think of how lucky you are,
warm house, family, friends,
but they wouldn't feel ******* lucky if they stepped inside my head.
if they knew how many flowers crumbled up and turned to dust
at my touch or if they knew what it was like to have
no clue who you are.

i can't even ******* breathe anymore.

she is lovely, she is kind

and i crave to paint the creases of her smile

in lilacs, and roses and wind

daisies through her halo hair

rays of sun do not compare to the presence

of Elora.

from a mile away
i could love you
in the distance
a soft focus version
of your harsh being.

from across the road
or down the stream
i could love you
cry you a river of
romance, to match
the momentum of
your fist.

from down the stream
i could love you
run away from you
as fast as the current
flows, fast enough to dry
the blood sweat and tears
you have caused me.

from the fire escape of a
city i could love you
but you're the fire that I
am always within an inch
of, the cigarette burns on my stomach
prove it.

I cut all my hair off yesterday.
8 inches of golden rays gone.
The blunt ends now sit upon my collarbones.
it’s softer.
I like it.

and I would call you my Heathcliff,
but I am no Catherine.

You were a complex character
before I made my impact,
I cannot claim to have caused your
wounds, nor to have healed your heart,
But for the time we had,
I hope I brought you some small,
( however small)
amount of joy, or at least
rest,
from the wicked souls who tormented you
That now reside in a shadow behind your smile.

And yes, in a way I suppose I have the qualities of Catherine,
I too broke my own heart,
but at least you could recognise
that you too, played your part.

they ask how they can help me.

oh lord, i wish i knew.

oh lord
please end
the terrible way that he cries when he
smiles
and how i cry with him,
for him,
through him.
please end the numbing silence that
surrounds us
and why i keep waiting
for him,
on him,
waiting for a chance to show that
this path i have taken was not correct
but that i have a terrible  love for where it has
ended up.

main road dusk
you in that dress
rain against glass
tell me everything.

in the house of silhouettes
there must be some light
the people are blind,
and they dance, but they bite.

in the house of silhouettes
there must be a monarchy
the wonder of a century
is breathing, feverishly.

and no matter how hard i try

how i turn a blind eye

how i block you out

how i lie in doubt

how strongly i feel

how i toss and  i turn

i can't let whats not real

affect how i learn

no matter how much i know

in my head, i am smart

in life i lie low

but i lie through my heart.

all i ever wanted

was for your face

to light up when you saw me.

like my heart when i hear your name.

instead, i sit at home and

cry about how you do not love me

i say its a shame

but the real shame is

that i am not surprised

for if even i cannot love myself,

why would you love me?

I wish romance was as dead
as the flowers you left on my
kitchen table
for I have finished with frolic
and ****** with fame
and never come out on top.

lets go out again,
because
we like each other.
we like each other,
lets go out again.
we had fun last month,
we had fun,
lets go out again.

YES/NO

last month you tore me to shreds
bits of you in everything I did
particles in my hair
on my clothes but its fine
because I like spending time
with you
I like spending time with you
because we like each other
we like each other,
so lets go out again.

This week I have wandered.
alone, a lost ghost among my regular haunts.
from the coffee shop in the park to the icy edge of the ocean I strayed,
Then returned to the warm yellow windows of my family home.
My hair is a mess, hasn’t been washed and left in a low tuft, at the nape of my neck, twined together with a green satin ribbon.

This week I have wandered.
Alone, a lost ghost among my regular haunts,
from the kitchen I crawled back to the warmth of my solitary sanctuary.
And there I stayed, as normal, in my navy knee length sweatshirt and joggers.

And now, as I sit in my single bed, pale back against the radiator, the tears finally come.

and so
after five hours you reply
in real life time does not exist
and I remember alice said
It would be nice if something would
make sense for a change
but maybe I held you too tightly
because things were happening so fast
maybe I let you ruin me
take everything I was
and leave me hugging my pillow
in place of you
this love is not a victory, its a battleground
of fighting for each other.

your hair - cinnamon and burnt coffee.
your eyes -  an autumn mourning, pale and foggy.
your hands grasp firmly, not tight nor too loose,
you taste of warm winter's apple juice.

I don't think its pure
or ******* romantic
to reassure somebody
that you cannot live without
them

what do you think of
In May
Is it me or is it the daffodils
Though they mostly grow through March
Do months transport you to your teenage years
Or do they just come and go
In your head
Is there an association between
Time and place
Or do you live
Or are you dead?

I cannot sing today
have not been well for a while
I cannot speak, for I
have been struggling, meanwhile:

She rides atop a golden wave
Cries like an angel choir
Is showered with abundant praise
in theory, I should be higher.

Happier for her growing success
though it may drag mine down
I celebrate, though must confess
I bear an inward frown.

Someone who has endured manipulation,
Only wants to be loved, but
Relatively easily,
Repression is hard to overcome.
You will learn to understand.

here.
and then not.
well now what?

he’s holding back tears,
this soft summer
says he has a cold,

my hand magnetically,
attaches to his shoulder
and pulls him closer.

He kisses my head,
“you’re such a good friend”
as his arm snakes round my shoulder.

now we’re lying.
swaying summer grass
his hand takes mine,

jokes that my arm
is in the wrong place,
Corrects it with caress.

we are standing somewhere,
here and then not,
this isn’t fair
well now what?

I tug on your arm,
You don’t turn around anymore.

you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
talk about the way it was before

I know your soul like I know no man's land
You know little about me.
you sit and eat cereal off my floor.
I talk about the things i want to be

ode to the peach tree,
sage leaves and chai tea,
to learning how to play guitar,
to undressed, endless summers
wherever you are.

“There’s always tomorrow”
My ever-hopeful heart harmonizes with the blackbird on my windowsill.
But even tomorrow would not matter if nothing changed between us.
Tomorrow will come and go forever if we do nothing now.

through the last three months I have been
mourning
flowing through the mechanical movements of missing you.
the mornings
are lonelier now, and the moon’s  meandering motions mistake my melancholy for metamorphosis
for I have been modified by your musical meglomania,
And I will forever be forgetting you.

When I was a little girl
I thought I was a princess
And sometimes I still like to
Play pretend
Be somebody else
To hide myself behind a neurotypical character
Who is normal
Who blends in with the crowd
Of people my age to whom I am nothing alike.
Sometimes I think that it's fine.
I can handle it.
But then the artist inside
Screams
You can't hide it
Sometimes, in the privacy of my own bedroom
I let myself
Be myself
Only for a couple of minutes
Because I quickly become too much for anyone to handle.

Don't forgive his crimes just
because he can kiss them better.
I see his stained hands
every time I close my eyes.
I can’t escape the whispered lies,
they ring in my ears like a constant-
Hush! You wouldn’t want them to hear us.

I still feel his hands wrenching my wrist.
Remember how I wished his grip
Would loosen, if only a little.
Thought of the tenderness love
Was supposed to connote,
as the blood dripped persistently
into my throat.

It was then that I realized.
With nothing left in me,
that anything is better than
Being worshipped, forcibly.

Pink purple blue and
i
have nothing to say but
love
It's become reckless and
you
Don't understand the fear
but
the fear isn't the only thing
i
hate, I can't stand the feeling
don't
Mention your opinion
know
Your facts, the what's and
how
You sleep at night only
to
Wake up again
tell
Me again why
you
kicked me out of your life.

mary jane has taken you away from me
you're so obsessed with the sensation
of breathing her in
it seems you have forgotten the feeling
of my lips, my hair, my embrace
in place of what you perceive as a better
lover.

mary jane has taken you away from me.
the people who love could never
love as intensely as she
caresses your senses, changes the tense
in which you think
do you think about me at all anymore?

i stare at the person in front of me in the morning.
tell them i hate them.
tell them they're ugly.
too fat.
too thin.
they're disgusting.
a disgrace to the human race.
worthless.
asking for it.
i stare at the person in front of me in the evening.
stare at the cool glass,
and she cries out
please,
you've got to be kinder to me.

the suffering i have danced through.
the tears i have bathed in.