this is not a poem; however, I do not have social media so I have no where to share thoughts that I think should be passed along. This my truncated experience of depression on and off for the past 5 years.
Now let me say this, I am in a sort of unique situation given I also have temporal lobe epilepsy. Having seizure’s in the temporal lobe lives side by side with depression and mood issues. None the less if you suffer from depression I think this could be of help to you.
When I say depression I do not mean feeling sad occasionally. I mean no longer being able to function. Losing many parts of who you are, hiding in public, unable to get out of bed, fighting the same narrative on loop in your head day after day, debilitating amounts of guilt, and the worst of all doubt and shame.
I had my first seizure at 14 and slowly became more depressed. By 16 I had full on depression. From 17-21 I would have on and off depression. On for a year, off for 7 months.
I am notoriously stubborn which might explain why for 5 years I never even considered taking an anti-depressant. I was convinced that people who tried SSRI’s had given up on their natural ability to internally fight anything. I thought to myself hour after hour, day after day, month after month that I would miraculously snap out of this bizarre phase. I thought I could think my way out of depression, because depression is a neurological issue that disrupts cognition (in many cases, not all).
This past spring my depression and sense
of self ceased to exist. I finally decided I cannot do this anymore, I am exhausted. So I started a low dose of an SSRI.
It has changed my life. I seriously advise anyone who has severe depression, (especially along with neurological damage) to give it a try. I know your instinct is shouting no; however, I have come to find it can be as simple as a neurotransmitter firing wrong to keep us disabled due to depression.
Depression is our mind going into hibernation, while deep down counting on a glorious spring somewhere in the distant future.