I reflect on my recent youth,
And realize,
I chase empty husks,
Seeking a love I’ve never felt.
I suppose I have always known,
Always seen that I seek home in others.
Perhaps it was home,
Once,
Or twice,
But if it was,
It was built in lust,
And their luck.
An object in their eyes,
And they a god in mine-
Not once did I fall because it was convenient,
It was quite the contrary,
Really.
My lust is a reflex,
A cry for love,
Not this petty game,
Of white lies I am often subjected to.
Feeding into your fantasies,
To get what they seek.
I feel like a plaything,
That sweet, behaved BabyDoll.
A pawn on their tabletop
And willingly, too,
Title upon my collar.
Ashamed, I am,
Of this toy I become,
For boys who claim to be in love.

I am rather emotional, and honestly, you all probably already know that.
Each of you has probably seen me cry once,
Or so full of rage that silence was never an option.
Some would say that this makes me too much to handle,
That I need to control myself.
But how I am now, is better than how I used to be.
The screaming and the yelling and the crying and the falling apart,
It's all so much better than sitting in my room at night, unable to sleep, my mind racing, but my heart numb.
It is so much better than being unable to smile a real smile,
It is so much better than despising my life and everything within it.
I'd rather fall apart over something small than be unable to shed a tear over something big.
And maybe I look crazy,
Maybe I am out of control,
But at least I feel whole.

I have been told that I am stupid, in love.
I don't know if I'm stupid, or simply in love.
Either way, I have no clue what I am doing,
But when others try to advise me what to do it goes in one ear and out the other, like things do when your parents lecture you,
Because in all honesty, I don't want to hear it.
I understand, yes, you love me, watching me break down isn't fun, watching my sanity slowly ebb away like the light of the sun in the evening is not easy,
But I need you to understand, I am in love, and love makes us do stupid things, but I am not stupid for loving who I do.
Because this love is true, and something I will be holding onto.
Mistakes may be made, and yes, they might play themselves on repeat,
And yes, forgiving them over and over is a feat, but I need you to listen to me.
I have never loved this much, I had always been either sad or numb,
And he is the one who changed that, he's the one who didn't make me feel fat, for once, he's the one who accepts my flaws and holds on when I am afraid and try to run away, he is the one who loves me back, and I am not willing to loose that.
So if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all
Because I will be holding on, and I need you to respect that, or step back.

I have been in and out of homes all my life,
Being removed after strife after strife.
I never had a real home,
And I always felt alone.
Joy was something I could rarely find,
Until you were mine.
I found Home,
In your arms,
In your eyes,
In your smile.
The only place I can find myself at ease,
And truly release,
Is when I am with you,
And only you.
Around you I am truly me,
And I never thought I would know who I could be.
I never thought I would feel safe,
But with you, I'm okay.

Our love is Red,
With passion,
Like a flame,
Lapping at my heart.
Our love is Orange,
With spontaneity,
Like citrus,
Explosive and sweet.
Our love is Yellow,
With Joy,
Like the sun,
Forever burning.
Our love is Green,
With life,
Like a plant,
Always growing.
Our love is Blue,
With calm,
Like the ocean,
Coming in waves.
Our love is Violet,
With luxury,
Like royalty,
Forever comfortable.
Our love is a Rainbow,
With beauty,
Like a promise,
Never-ending.

I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the hot coals burning beneath my feet,
That you laid out for me,
So the bottoms of my feet would be scarred.
I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the oceans filling my lungs,
That you personally poured in,
So you could watch me drown.
I ran towards your light,
Ignoring the thorns in my sides,
That you wrapped around me,
So you could hold me back.
When clarity hit me,
I ran in the opposite direction,
Even though it was dark,
Because it was safer than you.
When happiness hit me,
You twisted your words,
And wove them through someone else,
To try and bring me back.
But now I know,
That your light is a warning sign,
Something to avoid at all costs,
Unless you want to end up lost.

When I let loose the words that my heart and mind know, and they run wild upon paper or screens, the place has no value. They dance themselves free in classrooms, on porch steps, in friend's bedrooms, on roofs, in my bed, in hallways, on car rides, and other places where I need to let things flow. My expression is best when I have notes, from instruments and voices, passing through my ears. Letting free what rampages in my heart, in my mind, and behind my eyes, allows me to recognize how I really feel, and the truest things about my life. Without the words that leak out, I would be even more lost than I always am.

I couldn't handle your **** anymore.
I was in love with you,
I gave you everything I had,
And you put barely anything into what I called
"Us."

You put on this humorous face,
And vibrant energy,
Told me you loved me,
But where were you?

You threatened me on a normal,
And then played it off
Like a joke,
Like it's funny that women are beat because they don't love someone back.

You told me I was beautiful,
But you also told me to change my appearance and interests,
You also told me my scars were something that had to be erased,
And you told me I was too strange.

You got me high,
But when I tried to speak with you on a deep level,
Or connect with you,
You said "you're ruining my vibe."

I worked hard to please you,
Every time,
But you only did things
To please yourself.

I constantly told you I loved you,
And sometimes,
You just didn't say it back,
You just would look at me and walk away.

When we were alone,
You said I was your girl,
But when in the open,
I wasn't someone.

Your love is toxic,
But many flock to it,
Because you are very good
At being fake.

Your love used to flow through my veins,
It was what made my heart beat.

But when I had to beg for it,
When I had to chase for it,
While also watching you distance yourself from me,
I was done.

And like you always do,
You played it off like the girl is crazy,
Like you never did anything,
Because you cannot see your mistakes,
Even if they are thoroughly explained.

I will never hear from you
"I am sorry,"
But I don't need one to know
That your love was poison.

I begged you to love me,
I got on my knees the first night.
I begged you to love me,
I drank for you.
I begged you to love me,
I lied for you.
I begged you to love me,
I gave you whatever you wanted when you asked.
I begged you to love me,
I walked large distances to see you.
I begged you to love me,
I changed myself for you.
I begged you to love me,
I broke promises for you.
I begged you to love me,
And you never did.

I regret everything.
I regret falling in love.
I regret leaving.
I regret opening up.
I regret hurting so many.
I regret being desperate.
I regret changing.
I regret running away.
I regret staying.
I regret turning away.
I regret meaning everything.
I regret feeling unsafe.
I regret playing games.
I regret loving.
I regret caring.
I regret it all.

I wish I hadn't let you in.
I wish I hadn't stayed.
I wish I hadn't run away.
I wish I hadn't been afraid.
I wish I had been okay.
I wish I had thought about how they felt.
I wish I had never loved anyone.
I wish I had never chased anything.
I wish I had never lied.
I wish I had been patient.
I wish I had waited.
I wish I had thought.
I wish I could start over,
Then maybe I would be okay.

I beg for love,
But it's not worth it to love me.
Nobody deserves the pain I will put them through,
For I am selfish and will break their heart.

I beg for love,
But I am never accepting.
I waste so much time,
Loving and telling lies.

I beg for love,
But I am too afraid.
I cannot believe anyone will truly accept me,
Or ever has.

I beg for love,
But I am a ***** for it.
I am not patient,
And I don't wait for it.

I beg for love,
But I can't commit to one love for too long for I am always afraid.
I have broken hearts,
Trying to fill mine.

I beg for love,
But I am done.
I don't want to be loved,
I don't want to love.

Love,
It hurts too much.
I have been broken,
And I have broken others,
For love,
And I am fed up.

I will never again
Beg for love.

I have not given up on love,
But how I love unsettles many,
The girl I am scares most.

I am the girl who can love someone after a couple days.
I am the girl who can love more than one at a time.
I am the girl who shows more love than some have ever received.
I am the girl who jumps back and forth, because this world is taught monogamy is the only way.
I am the girl who loves those that people think I should not.
I am the girl who makes people jealous by accident, because I give out so much affection.
I am the girl who has hurt people with my love.
I am the girl who holds onto love even if it's toxic.
I am the girl who chases love.
I am the girl who wants to make everyone feel loved.
I am the girl who wants forever with everyone I love.
I am the girl who will give everything to everyone.
I am the girl who is reckless when it comes to her heart.
I am the girl who makes promises about love.
I am the girl who breaks her own heart, but keeps on loving anyways.
I am the girl whose heart people want all to themselves, but that, I can rarely provide.
I am the girl that people want in their bed, but I don't understand why.
I am the girl that isn't safe with her heart.
I am the girl that freely gives her heart away.

Is it safe,
To be this way?
It's likely that it is not,
But I say risks were made to take.

I am his Luna, and he my night sky.
He has held me up, time after time,
As I was ready to fall out of the sky.
He has allowed me, and encouraged me to shine,
On some of my dimmest nights.
I have lit up his darkness,
When he couldn't see any longer.
I have warmed him
On some of his coldest nights.
We exist in harmony,
Loving and free.

The day before today,
I sulked in silence.
The day before today,
I sat hollow.
The day before today,
I was deeply afraid.
The day before today,
I felt unsafe.
But today,
I am vocal and unquiet.
But today,
I feel everything with intensity.
But today,
I am brave.
But today,
I feel safe.
It's hard for me to understand,
This quick change in stance.
But I don't need to understand,
I just need to enjoy it.
I am going to
Let myself smile,
Let myself have a skip in my step,
Let myself enjoy what I have,
Let myself move on from the past,
Let myself be rash,
Let myself breathe.
Especially let myself breathe.
My breath has been caught for weeks now,
But now I can inhale deeply,
Without a worry, and I feel free.
And free is all I want to be.

My mind is a blockage,
Whose hands are firmly placed on my eyes,
Blinding me to the only things I need to see.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose voice screams,
Telling me I will not succeed.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose eyes stare into me,
With more judgment than I have ever received.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose measuring tape
Is too small to even wrap around my body.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose lips tense
When I make any decision that impacts lives.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose teeth grind
When I try to save my own life.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose arms cross
When I think I’m doing what’s right.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose tongue
Rolls off lies like it will save it’s life.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose foot
Stomps me down when I feel alive.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose shattered trust
Makes me feel unsafe when I am alright.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose tears
Make me feel ashamed of my life.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose shakiness
Makes me question my reckless flights.
My mind is a blockage,
Whose rashness
Tells me to jump in and risk my life.
My mind is a blockage,
And I’m tired
Of that being my life.

You are my King,
You are my everything.
You don't know,
But I will never choose to go.
And I don't know if you ever will,
If one day you will get your fill,
But I hope not.
I love you a lot.
I want to wake up to your smile,
And look into your eyes for a while.
I want you to be my life,
Through good times and through strife.
You fill me up,
You make things less rough.
I want to stay by your side,
I love that you're mine.
You have made me love my life,
You have made me fight for my life.
Things are flowing,
And I don't mind not knowing,
Where we are headed.
I don't mind it,
I love your surprises.
You have made me feel the highest,
Filled me with the brightest.
I have connected,
My heart is reflected.
You feel this,
And I feel this.
You have been forgiving,
And that has my heart brimming.
I fear confrontation,
But with you there are no limitations.
I do not have to fear you,
And there are very few
Of people like that,
Few people who have my back.
But I trust you,
And that's something new.
I want to do everything I can,
To show that I love having you as my man.
I want to do what you want,
And I want to be your confidant.
You can trust me,
Trust me.
I do not want just you to carry
What is hard for me.
I want to hold you up,
When **** is rough.
I want to hold your hand
When you feel as if you cannot stand.
I want to have your back,
When they lack.
You don't know,
But I will never choose to go.
You are my King,
You are my everything.

He left me.
He hurt me.
He lied to me.
He made it hard for me to trust.
But,
I trust you.
I trust that
You won't leave me,
You will be kind to me,
You will be honest,
You are the best thing for me.

Just in case you didn't know,
Right now,
I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Not because you are going to succeed.
Not because you dream of money.
Not because you give me things.
Because you love me.
Because you are perfect.
Because I love you.

I cannot get enough of you,
And I can't tell if that is good or bad,
Truly.
I am in love with you,
And I can't tell if that is good or bad,
Truly.
You make me enjoy life,
And I can't tell if that is good or bad,
Truly.
I would spend my life with you,
And I can't tell if that is good or bad,
Truly.
But truly,
I don't give a ****.
I love you,
And I am abandoning all fear.
I am trusting you,
Wholeheartedly.
And truly,
All I ask,
Is that you love me back.

I never thought I would
Ever
Be this in love again.
But I am.
I miss you when you aren't around,
I adore everything about you.
Your smile makes me happy.
Your cheeks make me happy.
Your eyelashes make me happy.
Your lips make me happy.
Your eyes make me happy.
Every individual hair on your face makes me happy.
Your hair makes me happy.
Your ears make me happy.
Your neck makes me happy.
Your tongue makes me happy.
Your shoulders make me happy.
Your chest makes me happy.
Your stomach makes me happy.
Your back makes me happy.
Your arms make me happy.
Your hands make me happy.
Your fingers make me happy.
Your legs make me happy.
Your *** makes me happy.
Your feet make me happy.
Your chin makes me happy.
How you stand makes me happy.
How you look at me makes me happy.
The way you rap makes me happy.
How much you love music makes me happy.
The way you kiss me makes me happy.
The way you touch me makes me happy.
The way you taste makes me happy.
The way you shake makes me happy.
The control you exert makes me happy.
Your dominance makes me happy.
How chill you are makes me happy.
How much you loves me makes me happy.
The way you own me makes me happy.
The way you set rules for me makes me happy.
When you tell me what to do it makes me happy.
Being able to serve you makes me happy.
Being able to be controlled by you makes me happy.
How you expose me to new things makes me happy.
How you teach me makes me happy.
How you praise me makes me happy.
Every single thing about you makes me happy,
And that's hard for me to handle.
I have never loved anyone this absolutely.
But I love you.
Right now,
I want to forever be with you.
And that may not be what fate has in store for us,
But by the gods,
I hope it is.
Because I would love to spend my entire life with you.

I worry that all we will be
Is intimacy
I worry that all you want
Is physicality
But I know I am wrong
But I am still afraid
Because you did not say
I love you
Lightly
You say it with meaning
And that is playing a tune
In my vacant heart
Your love
You appreciation
Your honesty
Your loyalty
Plucks a heartwarming tune

I am so appalled.
How have I fallen for you so fast?
Why does it hurt to be away from you?
Why does not being around you make my heart ache?
Why does not being around you make me weak?
Why?
I can't understand how I have fallen so deeply in love with you so fast.
I can't.
I told myself I would not get this attached to you.
I told myself I would go slow.
I told myself I would not surrender myself to you.
But here we are.
And I am afraid.
I know I should not be,
You have my back,
You stand by me.
I should not be,
But somehow I am.
I am so scared that you are doing this just for the pleasure.
I am so scared that you actually hate my body.
I am scared that you think I am annoying.
I am scared that you might end up hating me.
I am so scared.
I am terrified you are going to tell everyone everything,
And then leave me.
I am afraid you don't love me,
Like you say that you do.
I am so scared,
Because I love you with everything in my being.
I have never loved like this.
It is terrifying.
I have never felt like this.
And I can't tell if that is a good thing,
Or a bad thing right now.

I wish people would stop warning me about you
I trust you
I love you
I need you
But these people are instilling fear
And anxiety
Deep in what is me
And I hate it
I don’t want to worry about these things
Because you are
A king
A god
A ethereal being
Not
A liar
A cheat
A user
I cannot see those things in you
I cannot see these bad things
I don’t know
I trust that you are changing
But I also worry
As these people keep coming to me
I would like to
Feel safe
Feel loved
Feel trusting
Feel secure
Feel worthy
But these people make it so hard
I wish they would stop
Because I don’t ******* care
I love you
And that’s all that matters

I am overjoyed that you have chosen me.
But I cannot see why.
You love me,
But I cannot see why.
All I am doing is bringing you more problems.
Laying my stresses on you,
Looking like a ******* mess.
I cannot see why a god like you,
Has chosen a peasant like me.
I cannot see why a king like you,
Has chosen a beast like me.
But you have,
And that makes me insane.
You have chosen me,
Who is
Inexperienced,
Troubled,
Weak,
Emotional,
Submissive,
Disordered.
You have chosen me,
And that makes my heart weak.
It aches knowing the trials and tribulations you will go through
To hold me up
If you stick this out.
I cannot see why you would choose me,
But I am going to take it while I have it,
As I would be happy to spend my life with you.

One after another
Has warned me away from
You.
But when I look into your
Eyes.
I can see the
Reality.
You are serenity.
You are peace.
You are kind.
You are honest.
You are relief.
You are what I need.
And maybe
That's hard for you,
I wouldn't know. .
But I do.
You have filled me
With emotions I have not felt
In months.
You have made me
Myself.
I feel so open.
You make me feel
Comfortable,
Loved,
Accepted,
Beautiful,
Healed.
You are what I need,
But is it the same for
A king like you?

Kiss me.
Afraid.
Inhale,
Become brave.
Stumble,
Go black.
Held up,
Hold back.
Focus,
Exert control.
Soft,
Nice and slow.
Stumble,
Sit down.
Stare
At his face.
Listen
To his goals.
Smile,
Wide and whole.
Feel,
Sense,
And experience.
Connect,
Speak,
Connect,
Speak.
Surrender control,
Stay aware.
Kindness,
Soft hair.
Guiding,
Patient.
Confidence
Over time.
Dominance,
Willing submission.
Exhilarating
Texture,
Taste,
Sounds.
Please,
Be pleased.
Crave,
Fulfill.
Bittersweet,
Pleased.
Finish,
Be here.
Break,
Converse.
Check,
Anxiety.
Sight
Lost to the past.
Pulling,
Bringing me back.
Relocate,
Feeling safe.
Restarting
The pace.
Deep,
Heaving.
Swirl,
Roughly,
Quickening,
Teasing,
Pleasing.
Finish,
Appalled.
Reversal,
Asphyxiation.
Lost,
Feeling everything.
Friction,
Gasps of pleasure.
Move,
Feeling in the walls.
Hard
To be quiet.
Resettle,
Somehow confident.
Place,
Move.
Pain,
Pleasure.
Repetition,
Support.
Control,
Entirely lost.
Resettle,
Pain felt.
Pain
Overwhelms.
Suffocating
Small noise.
Enjoyment,
Do what I'm told.
Resettle,
Feeling alive.
Finish,
Still unfinished.
Mindless,
Proud.
Settle,
Lie down.
Drift
Away.
Feeling
Hope for new things.

I am afraid right now.
I have gotten attached.
I have latched onto him,
And I don't know if he has latched onto me.
Scientifically,
When people do these things,
The women are known to develop romantic connections faster.
Which means he might not feel anything for me,
Than my physicality.
I am afraid he will leave me right after this,
Even though he witnessed a breakdown,
Where I went back in time,
Because someone left me.
Will he hold onto me
Like I hold onto him?
I guess we will see,
But hopefully.
I want to belong to him,
Even if I can't come to love myself.

I am surprised that you relate.
I thought you would have gotten into this a different way,
But here we are,
With similar origins,
And familiar pains.
Here we are,
Sharing our aches.
Here we are,
Feeling empty and drained.
Here we are,
Giving each other praise.
Here we are,
Feeling shame.
Here we are,
Being brave.
Here we are,
And we are to stay.
I thought you were not anywhere near the same.
I am surprised that you relate.

When you look at me,
What do you see?
Someone creative?
Someone kind?
Someone beautiful?
I don't know many more,
I am not you.
But this is what I see,
When I look at me:
A monster with no heart.
An empty being.
A disordered pig.
A lost cause.
A basket case.
A lying, conniving *****.
A mental breakdown in physical form.
A high BMI.
A poser.
A wannabe.
An embodiment of indecisiveness.
But this is just when I look at myself,
So I'm fine if I just don't look,
Right?

I thought I was fine,
But as I find,
I have A Sick Mind.

With the violent jerking,
And battering of my heart,
And my self-image,
I have deteriorated.
I don't want to look at myself for a second longer than it takes
To put on my face in the morning,
Because if I do,
I will begin to poke and **** at my own flesh,
Feeling as if I am going to upchuck every calorie I have consumed
In the 15 years, and 120 days of my life.
If I look at myself long enough,
I am repulsed,
And my day from that point on will be violently,
Disruptively disordered.
Everything I am forced to consume,
Because of the need to hide my disastrous disorder,
Will become disgusting, half-digested
*****.
And rottingly,
I will feel pure,
And vile,
All at the same time.

Could you?
Could you bring yourself to tell me the truth?
Could you tell me what really happened all those years ago?
Could you tell me why you never loved me,
Like I did you, though you pretended to?
Could you tell me why you lied about why you had to shatter me?
Could you tell me why you even said yes in the first place?
Could you tell me why you kissed him,
In a bathroom, and told me you had to leave me,
Because your mother was discriminatory
Towards any being who loved more people than those of just the opposite ***?
Could you tell me why you never openly told me the truth,
But told the whole story on a forum,
As a dedication to him?
Could you tell me why,
After you knew I was mostly healed,
You wrote all of that,
And put it up,
Where you knew I would see it?
Could you tell me why you never said a ****** thing,
When we started talking again?
Could you tell me why you lied?
Could you?

Breath short,
Distance long,
Goals still not reached,
I hobble along.
Time fast,
Pace slow,
My soul unknowing,
I have no place to go.
Wide smiles,
Loads of lies,
Distrust grows,
In my wavering eyes.
One hand firm,
One hand shaky,
They are strong,
I am weak, my insides achy.
Breath short,
No distance,
I have stopped,
With much resistance.

Have you ever seen someone so crumbled,
That it seems they are dying?
Someone so hurt,
And so full of distaste for themselves that they tried to end?
I have.
I have been one,
And I have met a million.
And there is ONE thing I have realized about all of these people.
Not one of them is weak.
Not a single one.
Most of these shattered souls have held together through a million beatings,
Physical or verbal.
All of these beings who fold in upon themselves,
Trying to hide,
Are the most beautiful humans to ever exist.
Each of these souls with an ache for an end,
Are talented, and skilled in ways that most would not think.
Every bruised heart has loved a trillion,
But are now afraid to have someone cruel reach in,
And rip their love out.
Every single one of these people are perfect,
Worthy beings.
Every single soul like this,
Deserves to wail,
And cry.
Each one has every right to scream,
And howl,
Until their lungs are weak.
All of them deserve the most perfect love,
And they each deserve respect.
To most,
Each of these souls are weak.
But they are not.
They are trees whose limbs have been scorched,
But are still breathing,
And are still dreaming,
Even if they believe that they do not deserve a single good thing.
They have leaves sprouting at their bases,
Flowers blooming from their roots.
They may seem powerless to some,
Even themselves,
But they are wise,
Powerful souls,
With a thousand rings in their tree trunks,
Who will NEVER be uprooted.

Daddy yelled at me - "Stop crying, and take it like a man!!" - and I shriveled up into myself, being a baby again. I tried to think of all the happy things we had done before that - Daddy let me watch him play WOW, and he played a board game with me, for the first time since I had met him! - and there were a couple, but it was hard not to feel the pain, and to not cry... Eventually, though, I learned to stop; when Daddy told me to pull my pants down, and bend over the edge of the bed for a spanking, I did it shakily, but I did not cry, even if Daddy hit me with a belt. I 'took it like a man', but it seemed Daddy did not like that, even though that is what he had told me to do. He yelled again - "I might as well spank you double, since it doesn't seem to bother you!!" - but I did not cry. This made Daddy stop eventually, but when Daddy turned into Father, I wished I could get the physicality back. The shaming, and yelling, and screaming, and fighting was so much worse - it made me want to die. When I told father this, he only did it more; so I tried to die. Then he left me on my own, ashamed of me; from then on, I wrote until my fingers callused, and drew until my hand cramped, to have a world of my own, where nobody was shamed for wanting to cry, or end their lives.

Do you remember that time of innocence?
When the horrors of the world were invisible,
and you were so much more than invincible?
Do you remember when you didn't doubt for a second that you were amazing?
When you wore those "crazy" things,
And sung at the top of your lungs, unashamed?
Do you remember when you raced outside at every opportunity?
When catching fireflies were the only thing you could think about in the summer,
Other than swimming in the open sea?
Do you remember when laughing came so easily?
When you didn't catch the naughty things in kids tv programs,
And when you had a million perfect life plans?
Do you remember when you woke up early, because you couldn't wait for the day?
When you spoke so fast, because there wasn't enough time,
And when you created a trillion random things, because you wanted to?
Do you remember dancing, or bobbing your head to some random tune in your head?
When you ran out into the rain, without shame,
And screamed until your lungs ached?
Do you remember when you learned everything, and wanted to still know more?
When you were so proud of getting one thing right,
And not caring if you weren't perfect?
Do you remember watching your older siblings, or grown-ups do things, that made you say "I can't wait until I grow up!"?
When you loved yourself, without a doubt,
And had the power to do anything, or be anyone?
I do.
And I wish I could have all of that innocence, and freedom back.
I wish that openness, and self-love had transferred into my more mature life.
I wish that nonchalant way of doing everything had stayed.
I wish that careless way of dancing and singing had tagged along.
I wish that I had stayed carefree for longer, instead of quickly becoming cynical, and depressed.
I wish that I had never pushed to be a part of the grown-up conversations.
I wish that I had never rushed into intimacy.
I wish that I had held onto my wildest dreams.  
Because, now,
I regret every time I said
"I can't wait until I grow up!",
Because each time I said those words aloud,
Its pushed me further away from my imagination and wilderness faster, and harsher.
Because each time I said those words, and every single adult around me said that I should hold on to my childhood,
I replied with anger and irritation, not knowing the hell that I was rushing into.
I want to go back,
Don't you?

Your face.
Your face.
I don't want to see it.
But I do.
Every.
Single.
Morning.
I see your face,
In my mirror.
And I hate it.
Your face makes me want to scream,
and scream,
and scream,
until my lungs ache from the pain of letting you go.
But I can't.
I can't.
Who could let go of someone so vital?
You are the only person that I could  
never forget.
You made me...
How could I let you go?
I want to...
But it is impossible.
It is impossible,
even though you came to my seventh birthday,
high and thoughtless.
It is impossible,
even though you introduced me to a  
beast who would later destroy my capability  
of trusting and loving.
It is impossible,  
even though you watched me waste away as a child,
while you put fire in your veins.
It is impossible,  
even though you have stabbed me in the back,
EVERY time I came to trust you.
It is impossible,
even though you let my sister fall apart,
after being violated by your girlfriend.
It is impossible,
even though you created me with a  
beast who does nothing but  
shame and control.  
It is impossible to let you go.
I can't let you go.
I can never let you go,
Because you,
are my mother.
You are my mother,
no matter how much of a stranger
you have been my entire life.
I have no choice
But to forgive you,
Because I want my mom.
I need my mom.
Please.
You have done awful things,
and I am ******,
but I will never
be so mad that I don't want you to come back to me.
I will always want you to come back to me.  
Please,
just come back to me.  
I love you.
And I need my mom.
Mom, please.
Just once, tell me you'll stay,
and mean it.
Just once.
Once,
Please.

There was a burning, and sinking,
all at once.
My skin seemed to tremble, and freeze.
A solid thought refused to form,  
and in place, irrational explosions were born.  
My eyes could not focus,
jerking every painful way.
My ears seemed as if
they didn't exist.  
I could sense the vibrations of footsteps around,  
lost souls trying to help one,
but I could not hear them;
My brain refused to register any attempts to save me.
My consciousnesses wavered,  
My lungs not wanting to hold air.
Black came,
and then went,
and god, I wish it all would end!
I am going to die,  
Nothing is working right!
I feel like everything is shutting down!
I am going to die!  
I am going to die!
I am going to die!
I'm dying!

There was a time when I was willing to forgive you,
But that was a long time ago.
That was before I had terrifying horrors of you playing behind my eyelids as I slept.
That was before yelling came to send me into panic attacks.
That was before everything associated with you made me hurt.
That was before you said that I broke our family.
That was before you said you couldn't wait until I was gone.
That was before you said I liked wanting to die.
That was before you made me sob so hard my lungs felt like they were going to collapse.
Forgiveness is not an option here.
And for once, I am not sorry.
I will not apologize.
You hurt me.
You continue to.
And even though you say it will never happen again,
It does.
And you deny the pain,
And distrust you have caused.
But I guess that's okay, right?
Because I am a kid,
And you are a grown man.
My age makes my pain invalid,
And my *** makes me weak.
So it's all okay.
But never again,
not for another day,
Will you be my Dad.
You have no right to that name.
It has to be earned,
And you have never done anything but knock your opportunities down.
I will not break myself down to say you can hurt me for one more day,
Because maybe you will change.
Because you will never change,
No matter what you say.
So no,
I'm not sorry to say
That I am not willing to forgive.
That time of forgiveness
Was a long time ago.

I'm trying to get over myself.
I really am.
I don't like being the center,
And my problems make that so.
I don't want everyone always commenting
That I am making no progress,
That I'm not trying,
Because I am.
I am really trying.
You just can't see it, because all of this is an
Inward Battle,
That doesn't just suddenly stop.
No matter how much you want me to,
I can't stop hating myself in a day,
Or a week,
Or a month,
Or even a year.
Because I have been looking at myself
This way,
For a long time now.
It doesn't just stop.
That's not how it works.

I should have my phone taken away from me.
I take pictures of myself with it
All the time,
Just to make myself feel
Worse
About myself,
If that is even possible.
I use the photos like a zoomed in
Mirror.
Something made to specifically
Point out my flaws.
To point out
The scars
The rolls
The bumps
All of the things that are perfectly
Natural.
But I don't want
Natural.
The only thing
Natural
Has done for me
Is make me want to shed
My body
For one entirely different.
And,
In a way,
I am,
Shedding my
Body.
I have changed,
A lot.
I have grown to
Crave
The pain in the pit of my gut.
I have figured out
Every
Single
Way
To make my bones protrude
Further
From beneath my skin.
I have learned to
Control
How much I eat.
I have figured a way to
Toss my food,
Instead of consume it.
Because I would rather
Die
Than consume another
Calorie,
To have another
Pound
On my body.
I have the
Perfect
Amount of
Control
Over myself,
But I am no more
Beautiful.
Everything just
Hurts.
And no,
I can't "Just Eat"
To stop that
Pain.
It doesn't work like
That.
Things are so much more
Complicated.
I wish they weren't.
Maybe,
Just maybe,
If they weren't,
I might love
Myself,
Instead of
Cry
Over a ******
Number
Every morning.

You tell me I am wrong to think the way I do.
God, I wish I could just stop thinking the way I do.
But I can't.
These things are engrained.
The collarbones,
The ribs,
The hipbones.
The things I crave.
All I can think is
"Thin".
All I can tell myself is
"Thin".
But I am not thin.
When I look in the mirror,
I am disgusted.
I pinch at my skin,
And I beat it as punishment,
For being
Imperfect.
And I know that
Flaws are natural,
And nothing about this
Disorder
Is natural.
But that stopped making a difference
A long,
Long,
Time ago.
Natural,
Healthy,
Okay,
Normal,
Average,
Not dying.
None of that matters.
Skinny stopped being
Enough.
Being bones
Is all I ache for.
And I am nowhere near
Bones.
I am nowhere near
Skinny.
I am nowhere near
Thin.
But it's all I want.
And it's what I
Destroy
My body for.
I'm broken,
And nobody can fix me.
I have been like this for years.
God, I wish I didn't have to be
Fat.
If I weren't
Fat,
I wouldn't let my body ache,
And Decay
For my version of
"Perfection."
If I weren't
Fat,
I wouldn't **** myself
Every day.

The way people look at me
Change me.
The words people speak
Change me.
The unwarranted attention
Changes me.
The hateful stares
Change me.
The world has
Changed me,
And disordered me.
I have become this
Entirely broken thing
And I just can't seem to heal from all of this.
I have been made brittle
And soft.
I can't stand being this weak.
Please,
Just look at me.
I am not
Strong,
Capable,
Beautiful,
Good,
Kind.
I'm not even
Decent.
All of this reforming
Of oneself
For others
Has changed me entirely,
Into a creature whom
Is unsure of it's existence.

I think that I have

Moved on,

Found someone new,

But how can I be sure?

How can I know that I am no longer

Aching for someone I needn't ache for?

I am Unsure.

But I think I'm done,

No more open wounds,

No more raw eyes.

I think I'm done,

I think I've found someone new.

And this time,

She found me first.

And this time,

I am not abandoned.

And this time,

Could be the first

Good time

In a long,

Long time.