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Aug 2022 · 602
why must i
Fay Aug 2022
everytime I think of you
my chest begins to hurt again
is it pain? is what i'm feeling so awful?
no, no, it's wonderful

and even if your smile is a little crooked, a little imperfect
it's still perfect
because that smile is for me
i want to tell you
how much i care
so why must i wait?

for the others who i cannot be with
never touching, never speaking
growing ever further away
despite the constant reassurance and the
'I Love You's
it isn't the same

because she smells like pine and popcorn butter
and they smell of nothing at all
distance grows and i do not like the feeling
i do not like growing apart from those i love
so why must I?

Dec 2021 · 51
Fay Dec 2021
i see her
everywhere that i look
the curve of her smile haunts me
as i stare into the mirror
to face a stranger
i do not know her anymore
nor do i believe that i ever have
it is a rift between two parts
a split between what used to be whole
she is no longer whole
she may never have been
and i still see her when i look back
into the mirror
she is always there
hiding within the mirror
Nov 2021 · 53
Fay Nov 2021
i know i seem
like i am coping just fine
trekking through life as though
i do not see the destruction
that falls

you would be wrong
to assume
that i am okay
as i am barely keeping
my head above water
choking on words
that are never spoken
and forcing out

and when you ask me
i smile
and reply with a nod
when the real trouble is
that the light
inside is
Sep 2021 · 363
Fay Sep 2021
as i sit and stare
at the clock, ticking on the wall
i wonder why the hands turn
the way that they do
and why we
have decided that a minute
is equal to sixty seconds
and sixty minutes
is an hour
in reality,
does time really exist?
or are we all just
hallucinating it
into existence?
Sep 2021 · 1.8k
Fay Sep 2021
do you know
who you are?

because i don't
recognize your face

did i ever really
know you?

or did i just fool myself
into thinking that i did?
May 2021 · 95
Fay May 2021
looking into the mirror
i do not see myself standing there
instead, it is a warped,
floating head
supported by shoulders that are not mine
and the rest is skin
no muscle, hardly anything keeping me together
barely a person
barely alive
barely anything at all
had a weird day today. probably nothing.
Apr 2021 · 599
head empty.
Fay Apr 2021
no thoughts.

only bees.
Mar 2021 · 124
feeling stupid.
Fay Mar 2021
a small kiss,
maybe your fingers through my hair
i know it's a lot
but maybe
you like me, too?

it might be easier
if we just
stayed like this
a little longer.
Mar 2021 · 117
little brother.
Fay Mar 2021
i miss you.

i met someone
with your name this morning
it made me feel
some sort of way

i miss you.

and i began to wish that
i had gotten to know you

i miss you.

that i could've gotten to love you
hold you
and given you advice
just like a big sister should

i miss you.
Feb 2021 · 305
Fay Feb 2021
whether it's real
or not
i don't think that's
any of
your business.
Feb 2021 · 746
Fay Feb 2021
i know that
we aren't together
but i want to be;
even if it's just as
good friends
because my jealousy
terrifies me
and i hate being scared.
Feb 2021 · 90
Fay Feb 2021
i notice them on the bedroom floor,
scratching up the woodtile
i know you're living there,
in my home
in my room

because i have never seen you before
and i am afraid
of strangers.
and i am afraid
of the dark.
and i am afraid
of drowning.

are you afraid,

perhaps we could be afraid

would you like that?

maybe then,
we could leave
scratches on the woodtile
Feb 2021 · 180
Fay Feb 2021
you like them
because of him;
i like them
because of you.
Feb 2021 · 92
Fay Feb 2021
when you fake it til you make it
you forget who you once were;

because the reason that you fake it
is so that you'll be close to Her.
thinking about change, and im not sure im for it
Feb 2021 · 758
orange juice.
Fay Feb 2021
a secret society
of lost ideologies
and upset stomachs
acidic with pride
because we woke up our old gods
too early
it is not the end of the world
and now they are making it so
Feb 2021 · 75
Fay Feb 2021
i miss her
as though i am at stay-away camp
with no access to a phone
or mail
and i am instead forced
to wait
Feb 2021 · 71
Fay Feb 2021
i really wish
i could talk to you
about how im feeling-
how i think i feel-
but it's too messy right now
and i don't feel like losing you.
valentine's day was weird this year
Feb 2021 · 81
room 202.
Fay Feb 2021
The buzzing in the ears
Of the children in the room
Is a cacophany
That drowns out the discussion, hushed, over the phone.

And so the thrumming
Of heartbeats in chests
Rise to the pounding of drums
Which rattle in our brains.

Who is next?

Is it you?

Is it me?



Feb 2021 · 273
Fay Feb 2021
listening to music
in a quiet room
only helps to emphasize
how small i feel.
Jan 2021 · 1.2k
Fay Jan 2021
I am sitting in the rain,
Awaiting the bus.

I want to go home.

But I am sitting in the rain,
Awaiting the bus.

The bus is here, but I don't want to get on.

So I am standing in the rain,
Considering the bus.

The driver opens the door, waiting for me to enter.

And I stay standing in the rain,
Eyeballing the bus.

"Ready to go?" I shake my head, but enter anyway.

I am sitting on the bus,
staring at the rain.
i still dont like the bus.
Jan 2021 · 62
Fay Jan 2021
a sheet of paper
containing a name
class period
and a multitude of questions
that nobody can answer.
Jan 2021 · 83
Fay Jan 2021
i know they call it
a 'sophomore slump'
when you become aware
of how pointless college gets
during the second year
so what do you call it
when you're still in high school
and you can't find any meaning
within the tantalization
of standardized tests,
vocabulary quizzes,
and the imposter syndrome
that would make anyone else's head spin?
Jan 2021 · 74
wrong order.
Fay Jan 2021
i thought i was doing something nice
grabbing dinner before i came home

well, i won't be doing that again
Jan 2021 · 249
Fay Jan 2021
everyone is asleep;
the air conditioning
is the loudest thing in the house,
and I sit upon the stairs



Jan 2021 · 73
Fay Jan 2021
sitting in the corner
of the room
staring at a corner
of the room
where the ceiling
meets the walls
and the voices
are like water.

sitting on the bus
in the rain
staring at the road
in the rain
through the window
see the people
splotchy and wet
warped in the glass.

eating with my parents
tired and quiet
speaking with my parents
tired and quiet
and the effort put into
is minimal
their voices are muffled.
Jan 2021 · 114
Fay Jan 2021
good morning.

today is a new day.

try not to ***** it up.
Dec 2020 · 988
Fay Dec 2020
Around us.

       Around you.

                    Around me.

                                  Everything is so

Dec 2020 · 136
Fay Dec 2020
when you try to fly
just like everyone else
but before you can leap
from the ledge
to soar above the skies
you find yourself
stumbling backwards
and falling
with no chance
of ever coming up again.
Dec 2020 · 52
social anxiety.
Fay Dec 2020
too many people
in this hot,    crowded,     place.

my blood pressure is rising
rising in a cacophany
of screaming children
and adult conversation

the chattering,    chattering,    chattering
never ceases

i do not wish to be spoken to
i want nothing more than to hide,
away in my bedroom,
away from the sounds
and the people

leave   me   alone
Dec 2020 · 39
Fay Dec 2020
the house is
and all around
is the hum
of the night;

the air in the vents
sings a breathy old tune
that i hear every night
in my bed

and the floorboards
they creak their own melodies, too
and the footsteps up stairs
is what conduct them

and the television downstairs
makes the house feel alive
when the others are all
sound asleep

and the windows
they rattle, unfixed in their frames
and i fear they may never
Dec 2020 · 62
Fay Dec 2020
On my desk, in the dark
I see them:
I cannot sleep.
Dec 2020 · 38
Fay Dec 2020
I am used to a certain thrumming,
Constantly whispering behind my eyes
Telling me that there are things to do,
Deadlines to fulfill,
And discussions to have.
But these voices do not murmur
And will not, for a while.
For the first time in months,
I wish that it wasn't
So quiet.
Dec 2020 · 54
Fay Dec 2020
It is comfortable
when it is for
medicinal purposes.
is a bottle
of magic.
Dec 2020 · 51
Fay Dec 2020
Let us come to an understanding
That what I want to do,
And what I need to do
Correlate little
Within the grand scheme
That is the static
Of the universe
Dec 2020 · 42
Fay Dec 2020
Quiet contemplation
of a world that makes you seem
In the tapestry
of the universe
you are a fifth
of a twelfth
of a hundredth
of a centimeter of string.
Because the universe is
it is hard not to feel
Dec 2020 · 59
Fay Dec 2020
Low tolerance for coffee,
High tolerance for soda.
Dec 2020 · 44
Fay Dec 2020
I am often upset
by things that I cannot control.
Things such as
the taste of peppermint,
the weather,
or the time I wake up
send me into
the deepest of despairs.
It's rather inconvenient.
Dec 2020 · 38
Fay Dec 2020
Screaming your throat raw
because something has happened
and you can't fix it.
Dec 2020 · 133
Fay Dec 2020
I'm sorry that you are uncomfortable
with the rage in my body
that makes my hands shake
and my vision blur;
I didn't realize
that my emotions
made you uncomfortable.
Dec 2020 · 168
Fay Dec 2020
Wish on a star, a shooting star
for the death of a star is another old god being forgotten.
Dec 2020 · 117
Fay Dec 2020
Something that you can't undo.
The biggest mistake.
Dec 2020 · 34
Fay Dec 2020
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm here, in your room
And I'm watching you

I've seen you grow up
Ever since you were small
You used to be this high
But now, you're so tall

I know you are sad
And you think about death
But for you, I am here
So just, please, take a breath

Because people are lonely
With loud noise in their heads
They just want it to stop
To get rid of their dreads

So just know it's okay
To feel lonely and sad
But sometimes what you need
Is the time to feel glad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
The monster under your bed
Is always here for you.

— The End —