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When my grandparents found out that I was depressed
The first thing they said was a question asking why
“Why be so depressed when you are blessed?’
ignore the trauma, I’ve been through
ignore the fact that sometimes their isn’t a reason
But I’m still left here depressed
A new year
A new decade
The start of a new century
All I seem to have is fear
I fear the future, the unknown
Everyone has been afraid
**** me or kiss me
You can pull the trigger
You can try to be the bigger man
You won’t make me plea
No, not for death or your touch
I may be in love
But giving in to your plan
That is something I won’t do
You can shove
You can push
You can chew and choke
I don’t break easily
You thought you knew
But you have nothing on me
I’m strong
So, will you **** me
Or shall you give in and kiss me
We write
Our feelings spilling out on a page
They fight
Their passion dying on a battlefield
We both hold swords
Holding the power to smite
Blades cut through flesh
Words cut through emotional walls and halls
Words can leave you emotionally dead
Or leave you breathless and in awe
Blades draw blood
But it’s only a flesh wound
The mind is much more complicated to heal
I’ll let you think that over during your next meal
Ignorance is bliss
What about innocence?
We all try to protect it
A child's innocence
Something so precious
It's like the brightest light in thier eye
The brightest light
Like moths we fly to that light
Innocence doesn't last forever
You have to get clever
No more trust without price
Innocence can be dangerous
Knowledge to know when to roll the dice
So I ask
Is innocence bliss?
Do you hear it?
The whispers in the wind
Do you feel it?
Nature's call
It's buzzing so loudly
Yet so silently
Life is not a movie
It is not full of tropes
Or unrealistic hopes
Just some ropes
Binding you to the choices you make
Consequences for everything you do
Some make it through life by being fake
Some by their passion

My mistakes keep me awake
I can feel myself break
What’s at stake?
If I cross that line
Can I ever be fine?
I will not whine
for more time
I now have to make a choice
And find my own voice
You can find your voice. Just take a breath. Let the past go and focus on the now.
My dear houseguest
We have a policy
The simplest
The happiest
A policy of being honest
No burdens of lies

Is that truly wise?
There as many lies as stars in the skies
Some are ties
Holding down you and I
Holding the world together
Holding some trapped
Holding things together

Lies may be evil
They may be wrong
Life is like a song
It’s made of choices
Lies and truth
Choices you have, don’t listen to the voices
You have the choice to tell the truth or to tell a lie. Some lies only create destruction while others hold us together. I didn't believe in lying until it saved my life, but lying has also killed my relationships with people.
My daily bread
My day without caffeine
I am without it
My head as I work
Myself awake
Me some coffee
I need my caffeine
Not sweet toffee
Bitter black as night
Winter wonderland
The snow is quite grand
I like the cold on my skin
Snowflakes on the tip of my tongue
I’m wearing a large grin
My bare hands stung
Time to head in
I'm infected
I'm trying to deal with the pressure
I'm trying to deal with deppression
Listen to my confession
All I have is this aggression
Perfection is my obsession
Art is my only self-expression
Do not question
my senses of direction
I know I must make progression
oh look at the the time
I have to go in for my teary session
Grab my hand
Wont you dance with me?
Dancing in the rain
Like we don’t have a brain
Let’s dance like we are free
Because love is freeing
Oh, fears are fleeing
The earth shakes and breaks
My reality now shattering
Falling down into great lakes
A new earth
No more stressful headaches
So happy to escape
Why face what's real
When I have something better
Dirt is now on my hands
I have to stay alert
Out here we have to be quiet
Trying to find my t-shirt
You speak
“We said we aren’t good together
Now I don’t care
I want to face the dust and dirt together
I want to face the weather
You and I
We can take on the world”
I can still feel you
I thought I heard your voice
But it was all in my head
Your only in my head
Why the hell did you make that choice?
Why didn't I make the right choice?
A fleeting rejoice
I didn't hear your voice

An empty bed
The covers untouched
Your room is now bare
The paintings unhug

Your in my head
I cant rid myself of this dread
My monsters now fed
An empty bed
Your loss now spread
Numbness consumes as feelings fled
I'm sorry that I feel dead
But your the one truly gone

Loss such a hard punch
Guess I expected you to still be here
I thought you'd have many years to grow
I didn't know
So unexpected that you left
Now I'm left all alone
Without you my heart is blown
Shattered into a million peices

An empty bed
The covers untouched
Your room now bare
The paintings unhung

You're stuck inside hurting my head
I can't rid myself of this **** dread
My monsters now fed
That empty bed
Can you see that your loss has now spread
I don't know if my feelings have fled
I can't be sorry for feeling dead
Your the one truly gone

A poor empty bed
Covers untouched
Hurting so much
Monsters have been fed
Paintings unhung
This pistol has now sung
No more hurting in my head

My monsters now fed
Another empty bed
So I honestly have no idea where this came from. I just started writing and this came from it. I think grief is one of the hardest things and sometimes death feels better but it's not the correct answer.
Pleasure and pain
Love and hate
It’s all in the brain
A thin line between opposites
What is fate?
It plays a role
But you’re the one who controls it
You decide your fate
You choose between love and hate
You control your fate. Fate is just decided by your actions and your outlook on things.
A wide smile
Chills down my spine
I broke into a cold sweat
That smile was hungry
I could run a mile
Adrenaline pushing me far
I’m not fine
My fear’s smile grows
It’s going to eat me alive
I’m a fool
My craziness is spilling
A page catching the words
Forever falling
Out of my head
Overjoy or overreact
Lean because I lack
I wish I could help
but its hard when I hate myself
I can't understand
How do I love so intensely
And hate myself so passionately

You look so misunderstood
I don't see you like I should
I don't wanna die
I just want some relief
I can't escape
I feel helpless

I wish I could help
Its hard when I hate myself
Please help yourself
It's kinda hard when you have self-hate
Leave the illnesses to rot in their place
To my boyfriend.
Am I at sea?
Waves of emotion are crashing over me
Your hands on my body
Do you know
The effect that you have on me
I’m going with the flow
Kiss me hard
Kiss me slow
You can even kiss me in the snow
I don’t want you to let me go
Hold me tight
Take me to a new height
Your face burning bright
I know I’m little shaky
But I’m perfectly alright
Just never been this high
Yes, I’m high on your love
I feel like a kite
I held my hand out
Grab it please
I'm sinking
I'm drowning
I feel my heart pounding

I held you so proudly
They are surrounding me

Why can't you love me back?
You give me peace
then you take it
I asked for help
You said, "weakness"

I held you so tightly
They are surrounding me
Hurt-people hurt people
Comparing is poison
It’s killing you and me
The lies of perfection
We ain’t going to believe  

They say beauty is the key
“All the fame, don’t you want to receive?”
It only costs my subjection
It only costs my connection
It only costs my affection

Good grades will only get you so far
“You need a fancy car”
They say, They say
Now I’m saying beauty is the key

What happened to me?
What happened to not falling into the lies
I wasn’t supposed to agree
Now my happiness dies

Beauty and perfection
Striving to always be better is an infection
Worthless is what I see in my reflection
I want to love my imperfection
Imperfections are perfection
Perfect little ken dolls
Perfect little barbies
Front cover of my magazines
My smile falls
Just look at screens
Distract from the fact
Anxiety attacked

Click, click
Cut and paste
Thin my waist
Choose and pick

Impossible perfection
I must have it
Never fine with my looks
I’ve read a thousand books
My fashion still out of style
I still have a terrible smile

A gun sang
Another dead
We all have it in our head
A perfect picture
Must have the right mixture
Yet, perfect is impossible
We’re all striving for impossible perfection

Click, click
Cut and paste
Thin my waist
Choose and pick

Impossible perfection
I must have it
Never fine with my looks
I’ve read a thousand books
My fashion still is out of style
I still have a terrible smile
This is my first attempt at a song actually. Thought I'd post it here.
You say you would give me the world
Well, I don’t need it
Nor, do I want the world
You make me feel like I’m living in a dreamworld
Yet, this is reality
So, I don’t need you to distract me
Just hold me tight
That’s the key
We can face the world together
No matter how bad the weather
I will remain by your side
I love you
I’m dancing out of the dark
I’m jumping in the light

My joy becomes a weapon
And I begin to fight

Let this mark
A new beginning

A war against demons
Is fought with joy
If you can’t handle a heart like mine
Please don’t waste your time
To keep me understand a few things
I’m brilliantly out of my mind
And that is quite fine

This is a waste of time
If you don’t take me seriously
Give me passion
Don’t make fun of my fashion
Don’t disappear mysteriously
Kiss me with that passion
Now give me more, give me more, more

If you can’t handle the choking, the biting, the loving
Then go home
If you want me to remain your one and only
Love me rough and give me space to grow
Don’t hinder my personal growth as I find myself

You can’t be scared to show me off and hold my hand
If you can’t put in work to this relationship
I don’t know what you think this is
If you cheat this love is dead
You will die
Dead to me you shall be

You’re my keeper
You have my heart
Treat it with care
If you wanna keep me
Know I’m not cheap
I require the right care
I aint no Barbie doll
Get your stupid strings off of me
I might be small
I’m a lion with a mighty roar
So, you can crawl
Crawl back down to where you came from
Before you get mauled
Think I’m weak
Think I’m innocent
Think you can take advantage of me now?
Wings flowing back and forth
Keeping little butterfly up
Wind challenging the little insect
Strong breezes tumbling

To the north
The little butterfly must go
The road not easy nor perfect
No time for bumbling

The bees may rumble and bumble
But not little butterfly
Little butterfly is silent and graceful
Now which of the two survives?
Sometimes I feel like a bee being loud and obnoxious. Other times I feel as if I am the butterfly keeping to myself; floating through life quietly. There is a time and place for both. If you are a bee at the wrong time you pay the consequences. If you are a butterfly at the wrong time you miss out on certain opportunities in life.
Love is a luxury
Yet no one can label it
Some have a lack of love
The land in their heart unfertilized
No fruits to be produced
I must admit
We could use a little unconditional love
Let the land be fertilized
Fruits of peace
Fruits of patience
Fruits of joy, kindness, gentleness
Oh, the feeling of goodness
Yes, it is a luxury
Love is a luxury. We can stay alive without it but living without it is different. Who can truly live without some kind of love in their life? We all need a little bit of love in this crazy world. Love makes life better and easier.
Love is to attachment
Lust is to attraction
Trust is to believe

You have to have all three
Without lust you made a friend
Without trust you are the in between
Friend with benefits
Without love you are now toxic
With all three
You made a good relationship
Everything is temporary
My mansion is temporary
The monsters in my mansion
they might live forever
Not in my mansion but they’ll live in another

I am always wary
For the monster are scary
Isn’t that why we call them monsters?
I have to be clever

They may never get the best of me
I will fight until I die
Whatever, whenever, wherever
They cannot defeat me until I’m dead
I’m not about to let them have that
Miss runaway is her name
Her hair is whipped in the wind
A necklace in her hand
Holding it out
Allowing it to sway
A gift from home
Where there was farmland
Now she’s standing on the sand
Her feet feeling the cold water

The daughter
of a farmer
There was a man
Who made her face get hotter
But her feet got cold
She ran away
Without a plan
She could have been
A Mrs. Smith
She choose to be
Miss Runaway
A no-good runaway
She can never stay
Look at her walk
Into that church

Little girl
Get on your knees
Our eyes on you
We are hawks
We stalk

You’re our next meal
“You can’t heal
Let us take the pain
We can make a deal”
Don’t strain
Miss runaway
You can’t runaway now

“Miss runaway
Do you know how,
How have you
become chow?
Little advice
You can’t runaway
Not from fear
You can try
But it will only eat you alive”
You’re so close
Pressed against my chest with my arms wrapped around you
But you’re so far
“My dear Rose”

“You’re so cold to the touch now
Don’t worry
We can cuddle until your all warm again
My dear Rose”

“You’re so pale
Are you feeling sick?”
I lifted my hand and placed it on her face
Gently I brought up my dear Rose’s head

Dead eyes meet mine
A small black creature crawled out of her mouth
It moved quickly and down away from me
“Oh yes, that’s right your dead now
My dear Rose”
The test of a princess
Is piled high
Like her ego
Mattresses stacked one after another
But the height isn't a bother
She'll demand to step on others
Using them to get to the top
Stomping her foot on their head

The test of a princess
Is sensitive
As she laid down
Pulling covers up to her chin
She is uncomfortable
The unknown pea
Able to bruise porcelain skin
Her sleep now departed

Im not participating
No petty fights
I have debates
No people used as stepping stones
I build by own stairs with hard work
My ego does not make me better
I humble myself and always search
I search for new ways to grow
For I am confident and I know

My skin is also sensitive
Sensitive to others in need
Sensitive to the ones trying and fighting
Not the ones calling for attention
Or whining of a perfect princess
A tiny pea does not bruise me
Words spoken in hateful spiteful rage
They may pass right through me
For I shall not be phased

I'm not participating in this contest
I do not wish to be a princess
The truth is a am no princess
If that makes me any less
I honestly don't care one bit
I don't get knocked down
Without getting back up
I strive to be me
For I am confident and I know
I am no princess
Scrub, Scrub, Scrub
Rinse, Rinse, Rinse
I try to wash it away
The feeling of your hands
How forceful they were
You said you wanted to play
That wasn’t in your plans
Some of it’s a blur
I wish it would sink away into the tub
Then slowly whirr down the drain
The pain, the emotions, the memories
This heavy weight on my brain
I want to end my pain
Maybe I can drink it away
Maybe I can cut it away
Maybe I can smoke it away
I want to keep it all at bay
My depression weighs
Its heavy on my shoulders
But it’ll be okay
The chains binding
Have been broken
I still have the cuffs
I may be walking free
But my hands are still weighed down
Now I’m finding
Me, myself and I

I wish to see clearer
Past imperfection
Yet, chains are heavy
Even after they have been broken

Look in the mirror
I hate my reflection
I feel infected
Self-hate as my infection
Have I lost my direction?

"No, you aren’t the definition of perfection
That doesn’t mean to hate your reflection
Maybe you have lost your direction
You see you have to be lost before you become found
Don’t forget you no longer have a need to be bound
You have been crowned
There is no one just like you
A ruler of yourself you are
When you look at the night sky
Admire the stars
You are a star"
You’re writing isn’t ******
It was able to convey
how you feel
How I feel is crazy
Trust me when I say
that you’re a thief
What did you steal?
Something I try to conceal
There’s been a robbery
You left with my heart
No need for apologies

But where should I start?
Words always seem to be hard
You keep catching me of guard
I think I’ll start with
why I call you an idiot
It because you got me
feeling so idiotic
Life can be so chaotic
Love can be so exotic
And I can be so psychotic

I love how you make me feel
You got me fallin
You got me trustin
You got me talkin out my mind
Love is only for idiots
We both are idiots
This feels so surreal
Whispers floating around
Talking behind my back in the halls
Welcome to a small town
Everyone knows everyone
Mothers call their children
Keeping them far away from me
Apparently I'm dangerous
They knew me, now I'm so strangerous
I never committed a crime
I'm pleading innocent to the society
They have no mercy
It's either black or white
I've never been one or the other
I have only been me
Me isn't good enough
Im left out in the cold as an outcast
You’re in my head
Taking up space
What you said
Floating around
The world drowned out
The only sound
You and I
And what I said
Why are you listening to fear?

Your fear he fills your head with lies.

So, let me make it clear.

Do you see the ties?

They bound you to self-hate.

You can use your beautiful mind and follow your fate.

For you are a masterpiece.

You can find inner peace.

You haven’t forgotten who you are.

Come on you can.

You’re not far off shinning star.
The little kids prepared
Little sticky hands
Crushed candy canes
Stomach pains
But no regret for stuffing faces

This Christmas
Doesn't need snow
We talk over hot chocolate
As the lights glow
Gifts wrapped under the tree
All eyes watching to see
Gifts become unwrapped
Hearts filling with joy
Hugs shared
The warm fire crackling

There might not be snow
There's us
And us know
We don't need snow
I am aware
that I’m just a little crazy
I swear
that I’m drunk and high on your love
I was told to beware
Everyone said you were danger
I just don’t think I care
Kiss me now, I’m begging you please
That girl can glare
I am yours as you are mine

A chill down my spine
I can’t help but stare
Your eyes so brown, beautiful
It isn’t fair
You make my heart race
How you make me feel, nothing can compare
Your hands on my waist
I take a breath in the space we share
My legs are weak I need a chair
Won’t you be my teddy bear?
Ever want someone to be your teddy bear; Just to be able to cuddle them and keep each other warm?
Is found in a dress
My stomach
the crowd
Always say yes
Please the people
Maybe I don’t want to please
But I freeze
I do things for you
Yet, never for me
I’m down on my knees
I wheeze
“I can be free”
I can be free from the weight on my shoulder. If I change my mindset and stand on my faults instead of putting them on my head like bricks then I can live for me and let you lean on me when you need.
A crown on my head
A burden on my heart
My mother and father are dead

Now I am a king
“A child is not fit for the crown”
I hold tight onto my father’s ring

“Your right I am no king
I am only the offspring of one.
Some even dare to call me a clown”

“Then step down.
Choose another
to take the throne”

“Me becoming king was set in stone.
The day I was born it became my destiny
I’m not about to turn away from the kingdom”

“Then the kingdom shall suffer.
A child cannot rule.
You have no wisdom”

“Words of a fool.
I might be a child
, but I at least I won’t be cruel”

“Are you saying your father was?
He was a warrior and leader.
It was well known, and you are unknown”

“Watch your tone.
I do not have to be the king he was.
He started wars and now he has payed the price”

“You should think twice
before speaking of him like that.
He was better than what you could ever be”

“He was a coward as a father.
My mother did not flee.
She tried her best”

“So, did he!
He had to be a father
And a leader”

“A father isn’t supposed
to do the things he did.
The things I hid”
Call him a thief
This boy has stolen
Something precious
It was something mine
Now it’s his
My head feels swollen
My face a blush wine
Chills up my spine
I’m quite fine
He holds my heart
I didn’t know it
No not at the start
But I fell in love
This boy has me
Let’s go back to the beginning
I hated you
We were enemies
I listen to you
You listen to me
We were frenemies
I helped you
And you helped me
We then became friends
Still had no clue
Then I had a breakthrough  
I wanted to be with you
I wanted to feel your lips on mine
I wanted your hands on my waistline
Now we both have fallen
I can say I am all in
Thinking of a special someone in my life
The snow is falling
Lights Shining
All the colors so bright
Smell of peppermint candy canes
And warm hot chocolate
But all I need is the warmth of family
Who needs the Christmas light?
Or gifts under a green tree
When we have us here
Family forever
We shall remain together
Demons are holding me tight
Loneliness is my medicine
Really, it’s a poison
I’m sipping lightly on it tonight
I haven’t let myself be so low and numb
Now it’s an explosion
I want everyone to leave
Please let me suffer in loneliness
I must confess
I make no progress
I smile to impress
Even when I’m in distress
I am a mess
“Are you lying to yourself?”
“Are you struggling with trusting?”
“Are you pushing things away?”
“Are you letting the depression eat you?”
My answer to these voices in my head is
Tonight the fear has chains on me. The fear always seems to come back and win for awhile no matter how much I fight. I'm tired of fighting.
I’m scared to keep you close
I want you by my side
I want to push you away
Yet, I want you to stay
I’m scared of love
I’m sorry that my fear is above
One moment I feel like I trust
That you’re by my side
The next I’m to scared to keep you there
I know this is unjust
You should be filled with disgust
My fear has me tied
I start to backslide
I denied and lied
To myself
I can’t find the brightside
Where is my life?
You said you fell in love
with the light in my eyes
Tell me do you see it now?
I'm working through my trust issues. I swore to stop lying to myself without facing the problems eventually.
I’m 10 feet down
All day, all night
But I’m rising up
Dirt is filling my eye
Pressing all around
I’m clawing and fighting
My fire shall never die
You could make me blind
You can make me all alone
You can **** my hope
But I won’t let you win
You win when I step off that bridge
You win when I stop fighting
So, let me make it known
You can cope
You do have hope
You aren’t alone
Reach out
Forget your fear
Forget your doubt
I've struggled with depression for 6 years and anxiety for 4 years now. It is a constant battle every day to find energy. Some days are extremely easy while others feel like I'm going to give in. I wrote this for myself, others and my boyfriend to hopefully help us all struggling. Love you guys. wishing you a good day.
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