i am but a moment on the face of the world
a memory that will fade
with the passing of the tides
as so many of the castles
small children did in those days built on the sun
with their buckets full of water
pacing up and down the sand
making motes that never lasted
making smiles that never lasted
as those children grew and learned what the real world was
not fairies and motes and castles in fantasy worlds
but society and its hateful whims

he makes my heart rate run
with a simple smile
the way that his eyes sparkle and his lips part from his {slightly crooked} teeth
I feel as though my heart will rip through my {fragile} rib cage
because it swells so much
like an overfilled balloon about to burst

he was become the thing that keeps me up
into the early hours
for I am unable to sleep {without him near}
my thoughts always drifting back to him
no matter what path I send them on

I don't want to wake up {from the dream}
that is him and I
for I care so much about him
even in these fragile moments
of our beginnings {of romance}

there was a time when I was young
in my nest of blankets on saturday mornings
watching the same cartoons over and over again
I had seen almost every episode of every show they played
but I didn't mind
I just said the words along with the characters
and lived

your eyes glitter like the night sky
alight with millions of tiny stars
so far away from our fragile world
the {open} window to your haunted soul
through which I see your truths
{hidden emotions}
locked away

but silly you..
*for I have the skeleton key

she wrote the woes of the world
calling it her own
her written word against those of the universe
she gives away secrets
the things we all hold most dear
just to get ahead

She came from a childhood of magic
of scrap metal bubbles and a love of Christmas
a father whom was often gone but never forgotten and never unloved
a mother whom tried for her little girl but ended up lost in the bottle to wash the world away
born in the small world that was Dogdeville, 1947
but being whisked away to Madison, a bigger better place
of sound public education and endless Indian trails along the deep blue lake
She grew with independence and an inevitable book under her arm, for that was what she knew
{a latch-key-kid from age five up}
pouring her heart into the creation of stories and poems
filling her mind with the worlds of great authors
'the classics'  
a seven year old to afraid to share the depth of her written word
speaking to a class with heads down on their desks for she feared the thoughts in their eyes
her last word greeted by the great applause that brought her to love writing
love books
love English {her never ending favourite class}
She grew with words as her protection
and friends who understood her strange imagination
learning to drive in her boyfriends truck
his head between his legs in fear
leaving school a credit short when a fun night turned into a little baby
growing inside her young body
{in those days you couldn't go to high school an unmarried pregnant teen, you just couldn't}
17 at Martha Washington Home for ***** Mothers
her graduating was thanks to English {as many things in her life are}
a caring teacher who stood up for a scared young girl
we still haven't found were Nadine is {the little baby that grew inside her}
that next year she started college
a freshman in a class of thousands
University of Wisconsin Madison
hiding away in her studies
{creative writing}
over sized glasses and frilly wild hair
once again she graduated and
She was off
leaving Wisconsin in the dust
out to California {her land of dreams}
gate 6 and the shifting mass of house boats
raising three boys on 36 by 8 feet of bobbing wood {in the shape of a football}
my two uncles 'The crash and burn brothers' and my father 'baby poops a lot, batteries not included'
walking day after day to the Bait Shop Market for black coffee
and the feeling of being alive
She came to age in the craze of the 60's
continued to grow through the fight of the 70's
remembers the blue romper in high school gym when Kennedy was shot
marching with students on the streets when Martin Luther King went down
listening to Bob Dylan
'The Times They Are a-Changin' through it all
{The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.}
her friends shared hatred of government as Nixon came and went {she never would have voted for him. Not in a million years}
the draft of their friends
going to a land that they all knew they wouldn't return from {far away from those they loved}
She became to personally know Melba Pattilo-Beals as they worked together
editing 'Warriors Don't Cry' {the story of a young black girl going to white school}
in a society run by the music
Peter Paul & Mary
Bob Dylan
The Beatles
Janis Joplin
Jimmy Hendrix
The Rolling Stones
Crosby Stills & Nash
The Who
The BeeGees
The Grateful Dead
Rod Stewart
Joni Mitchell
Joan Baez
Country Joe and The Fish
run on the beat
the lyrics
the melody
the overwhelming need to be
different
through the 50's
60's
70's
80's
90's
The Hippie Movement
Vietnam
Kennedy
Nixon
Through raising three boys
two university degrees {UWMadion's creative writing and law}
second one while raising me
Through all of that and so much more
she was lived
seeing the world through the eyes of a writer
a child
a teen
a mother
a grandmother
an editor
a lawyer
a women
She is the reason I am living
and she gave me the love of writing
and the love of the world.

When you look at me do you see a person?
Or do you just see a shape?
A toy?
A photo book of lifeless memories?

Do you know that the loss of you hurts me?
When you come back into my life, stay a few days, and are gone back to the life you really live.
The life you would be able to stay living with no guilt if I was not alive?

Soon not of this will matter though.
You'll have a new baby, a new wife, and a new family.
One you can love because it isn't broken like me.

I am the old toy you throw in a box and take to Goodwill so that I may be given to somebody new...

...only to have the same thing repeated.

Are you ever..
..upside-down,
inside-out?
Left,
when you are meant to be right?
Crying,
in happiness.
Laughing,
in sadness.

I am..

...everyday.

The walls are closing in on you
Dripping with crimson blood
Your vision is blackening
and your breath is coming quickly
You don't know what is wrong with you
Why the world is crashing in on you like this
It just is
You try to take a step closer to the door
but the pain that shoots through your body
makes you fall to the floor in a crippled mass of limbs
Your frantic now, trying to find away out of this disparaging hell
You look up at the ceiling, surprised to see the sky,
the pristine blue only interrupted by the white-fluffy clouds
You stare longingly at that perfect sky thinking that this hell wouldn't be as hard if you could
just look at that wonderful sky
But it is just a false hope
In a moment the sky is covered by her sneering face
She laughs at you,
at the pain you are in,
at the tears that are now streaming down your face
your vision is starting to blacken again,
soon you can only see through a blurry cone
See her face looking at you with fake concern
like she is so worried about you
but you know it's all a lie.
the moment that the **** black nothingness closes in on you
she will become board with the mindless body that she created
she will turn and walk away with a cheery smile on her dreadful lying face
leave your body there knowing that your mind is still active just locked up to tightly to ever be reached again.
feeling and remembering everything she did to you
and everything that will happen to you from this point on.
as the dryness in you throat goes form a dull pain to a burning flame licking at the parched skin of you mouth
your tongue feels thick in your mouth as all the moisture is gone
The rumble in your stomach goes form a little pattering once and awhile to an unbearably loud thunder claps that shake your hollow insides
There is pain your stomach as well
a hollow ache that just keeps getting worse as your head starts to pound.
there is a sharp piercing feeling running through you arms and legs.
you are slowly rotting away in mind and in body.
until you are the very thing she says you are...

...nothing.







But then..




just as you are about to be lost forever
your only hope appears
that shinning ray of hope lifts you up and carries you away
holding you close as she wipes away the tears
for she is the only one...

,,,,that holds the key that unlocks you.

Take a step forward, but never back.
Remember the future, but forget the past.
Hold her close, but never let go for you may fall.
Take a stand, but do not die in battle.
Walk the path you choose in life, but do not get lost in the darkness.
Hide your pain, but let them see the real you.
Learn to forgive, but always remember the truth.
Jump for joy, but don't hit your head on the rain clouds.
Walk along the ocean, but don't let the cold water nip your toes.
Sing along with the one you love, but don't sing to loud so you can still hear her beautiful voice.
Always look on the bright side, but it may hurt your eyes.
Put the song on repeat, but don't turn up the volume.
Take a bite of chocolate, but don't let in it's sweetness.
Sit in a room full of others, but don't see anybody.
Release the stress from you body, but don't forget the anxiety.
Stand in the pouring rain, but don't let the ground crumble under you.
Plant a tree, but never watch the pass of it's hourglass.
Sit in front of a computer screen, but never really write a word.
Hold you tongue when you want to speak, but scream in the silence.
Dip the paintbrush in the colours, but never let the picture out of your mind.
Go out with your friends, but don't let the knowledge of their hate soke in.
Wake up on a sunny day, but paint the windows black with tears.
Write the letter, but never send it.
Begin the sentence, but never end it.
Keep the secrets inside the little box, but never give it to the world.
Push the blankets back in the morning, but see nothing in the mirror.
Spin the silk on the wheel, but never make anything of the lies.
Hold your breath forever, but don't turn blue for your already dead.
Give a quick smile, but never let it reach your eyes.
Take a leap of faith, but realize to late that the safety net in gone.
Plug in the nightlight to chase away the dark, but only then do you understand that the darkness is inside.
Pick up the pencil, but don't draw on the stained paper.
Grab a snack as you walk out the door, but fall and leave it in the puddle.
Buy a book from the store, but don't open the cover for fear of what lays wait inside.
Enjoy the show, but let the stage fade to black.

One step forward and you shall fall.
Tumbling down hear the DoDo bird call.
Casing that rabbit down his tiny hall.
Through singing gardens you crawl.
One makes you smaller and one makes you tall.
Escape from the tea party narrowly missing a brawl.
In the cute little house you wish to be small.
Don't eat anything here you should always recall.
Look at that grin as the he curls in a ball.
This way, that way on all the signs they scrawl.
With homesick tears many eyes you enthrall.
Don't laugh at the Queen painted up like a doll.
In the court room the Cards hold you thrall.
Run through the roses that make up the maze wall.
That was a good dream you think, all-in-all.

I wish that every tear I cried led to the ocean
and that every beat of my heart was the rhythm of a song
I wish that I got everything that I supposed to do done
and that the smile on my face wasn't so often fake
I wish I didn't have to wait for the end of the week to see her
and feel her arms around me and her hand in mine
I wish that the world would spin faster than a Tilt-A-Whorl
and I let my head fall back as I let the wooziness overtake me
I wish that the colours on my paper would turn out the way I wanted when I painted a smile
and not a frown
I wish that I didn't have so many 'I wish's' spinning around in my head
and that some of them would just come true.

faces smirking at me form unknown places
laughter taunting me from dark corners
the sky is folding in on itself
the sun eating up all the stars

the footsteps that follow me are growing ever closer
I can't seem to get away from my unseen tormentors
as they chase me into insanity

colours are moving all around my body
infecting me with millions of emotions every moment
who am I now?
for I am certainly not the one you all knew

As I sit here
My eyes burning with the tears
I have tried so hard to hold inside

I hear the blood curtailing screams
of cell mates, trapped in horrible world
in my unprotected ears
and I want nothing more
than to find silence
in my broken mind

I wish I could turn back the clock
remember
the feeling of
innocents
that came without darkness or anxiety

but that is impossible
and even this
damaged person
knows that.

The nimble fingers make quick work
Of the stitches holding together
His broken body
As they snip and tare at the crimson thread
That has become his stronghold
Against the crushing strength
Of a world that will never let up on its daily torment
To see that it has already
Created cracks in his skin
Too deep to ever cover over with
The sweet paint of so few
Loving words spared
By the harshly masked faces that surround him

The stars are painted in the deep blue
Of the oceans never still night
Giving birth to the dreams of a child
Full of to many sharply edged secrets
The unspoken words rip and tear at her marble white flesh
Trying desperately to scratch their way through into the light of day
The pain they cause so damaging
All she wants to do is find the part of her
That houses the undeclared mysteries
Of the crisscross life she's been living
Claw at the lock of made up of flesh and muscle and bone
Let those raw words rush out of her chapped lips
And paint the starry night with her blood

Her pale lips
So perfect in there stillness
Painted over with a thin coat
Of shimming scarlet red

Her once flushed cheeks
Now dusted over
With the harshness of artificial
Rosiness and splendor

For she now lives
In a world of eternal
Slumber
At peace in the hellish
Chaos of this world
In her cocoon of
Velveteen cushions

Nobody must look at her
To know the beauty
That she holds
In the innocents
Of her features

She was the only
Person in this
Excuse for paradise
That knew you
For the imperfections
That made you who you are

You loved her
With your entire being

You loved her
And now…

…she is gone.

I want to scream
to fill the silence
of this decaying world
to stop this endless suspension
over the edge of the abyss
I want to end this indication

should i let go and fall

should I stumble and scramble
back onto the crumbling edge
hide in the crevice humanity has created

in this **sparkling universe

a sea that crashes
covering her over with
the sweet peace of death

a dogs head in sight
the smell of burning coffee
waking up alone

my fortissimo
overwhelming noise
screaming in silences

I am from blond curls
and bubble gum
swinging above the bar
and flying through the air after letting go
I am from patchwork dresses at Zen monasteries
and never sitting still
reading with a flashlight under my blanket
and creating my own worlds
lost teeth
and quarters under my pillow
I am from violent games of Red-Rover
and singing with bands in the park
fairy houses
and homemade bread
summer visits
and treasure hunts in tomato patches
I am from fits of giggles
and Pooh Bear bath toys swimming in bubbles
feeding ducks
and going 'Town-town'
that single Taco Bell
and running in the road
I am from imagination
and creativity
a need to learn
and a yearning for love
I am from many places
and nowhere at all

I am nothing
an empty shell
a hollow carcass of brittle bones and rotting teeth

She is beautiful
bright patterns and rain boots
Her smile is true
and she love the world she lives in

He is a rebel
Never still and never truthful
He loves running across the street just as a car comes
it gives him such a high

She is quiet
timid
a book worm
She spends her time in dimly lit corners in rundown bookstores
hiding away from the world

She is implosive and violent
loves to fight
swear
Her emotions are stronger than the rest
taking her over in a matter of seconds

They are all me
but I am none of them
and I haven't seen them in many years
though I hear from them everyday
Their voices haunt me
echoing
screaming
their hands touch me in the dark
clawing to be freed
for they are why I am empty
they fill me and push away the person I truly long to be
The person that I need to be
in order to stay alive

I am dark clothing
and nightmares
broken dreams
and blistered feet
I am dark purple bags under bright green eyes
and dark auburn hair dyed every three months
worn out rainbow bracelets
and my worthless mothers old ring
I am dance shoes
and little free time
peppermints
and coffee in paper cups
I am quick stolen kiss when nobody is watching
and softly brushing hair out of her eyes
silvery scars fading into my skin
and fresh injuries I know I can't keep creating
routines
and random urges
I am moving forward

a summer of love
country roads and walks downtown
her soft lips sweet kiss

looming overhead
dream scene of my inner mind
ripping me apart

blue rumpled covers
brown hair frames her lovely face
her beautiful smile

We make these simple promises,
to those we love
Holding them together on the strings of kites
and send them away
up into the crystal blue sky
to be forgotten forever.

the fragile words
rip apart my empty {hollow} mind
the reality i have been taught to see as i desperately tried to hold onto the one i was born with
this once simple world destroyed
by the images that you have shown me
and the things you have promised to teach me
I once thought that i knew the world i lived in
{inhabited}
but you have shown me that i was wrong
you opened my eyes
to my *childhood