Take your place
beside her
as I lie in this bed alone.
These sheets don't do you justice,
I trace into this skin with my own;
remembering the ghost of your fingertips, so lightly, touching me;
just barely, but enough
for me to realize
that you
are what I need.
I have memorized the lines in your face,
the crinkle when you smile;
the light in your eyes when I make you laugh..
oh, love, it has been quite a while.
A few days have turned into months,
my heart's never been free.
You've kept it all this while,
did you know?

I wonder if you're missing me.

Dear Lord,
Can you hear me?
I've been praying so long that someone would be,
I've been praying so long that someone will see,
the truth behind these eyes
and the
sadness in this smile.
I'm searching for my other half,
my one and only,
my soulmate.
Where is she, God, can you help me?
I've placed so much in the hands of fate.

See there's a hole in my heart
that never fully healed.
My whole life, I've been waiting
for something that's real.
I need someone to show me
what I haven't felt in years;
Please, give me someone
who will break down these walls
& help me let go of these fears.

And Dear God,
Can you see me?
I'm over here
on bended knee,
I'm not too proud to beg,
but see;

I miss the butterflies,
I miss the forehead kisses.
I miss the feel of her against me,
and the 11:11 wishes.
I could have the whole world, but
it's the little things I'm always missing.

Dear God...

afternoon light shining in through the sheer curtains hanging over my bedroom window, on the most ordinary day of the week, your arms were around me and my head was on your chest as it slowly rose and fell, and you twitch as you’re falling asleep, and i never thought i could fall in love with the sound of someone snoring, but your sleepy inhales made my heart swell, and since then, the day has been a series of heavy exhales. i can feel the weight of you behind my ribs and in the corners of my mouth as i smile at the thought of kissing you, your laugh, the way your eyes look when they’re looking at me, the sound of your voice when you’re trying to get music to play in your car, how i feel when i can feel you next to me; i hope you don’t mind, but no matter what time or space is between us, you’ve written your name in the sand of my soul and no amount of wind or waves will ever be able to wash it away. the time we’ve spent together feels like seconds, but you will always exist in my memory as someone who held my hand as i walked into the sun.

I can stop myself from texting him
That's a start
But if I don't want to think about him
Well...
That's a whole lot harder
But I can't listen to love songs
Or sad love songs
Or sad songs
Or angry songs
Or Ed Sheeran because he loves his music
Or the song Riptide by Vance Joy because he loves that song too
This music reminds me too much of him
I can't use the word lovely
Because that was my favorite word he used to call me
And he knew it, so he used it all the time
I can't even wear dresses and skirts anymore because he always liked girls wearing dresses and skirts
I can't read John Green because he actually liked his writing style
And I can't read ANY quotes from Neil Gaiman because he loved his writing
He of course, had to be a writer and a poet so it's hard to read love poetry without his name creeping into mind
I hate how I can't even finish the novel I was writing because I included some events based off of some of my favorite moments between us
I can't look at pictures of England because he really wanted to live in England one day
I can't look his exgirlfriend who he still cares for who goes to my school in the eye because just like he always did I will always compare myself to her and I can never measure up to even close to what she is
I can't text the words "haha" because he used that instead of lol all the time
I can't even talk about him to someone without feeling pathetic
He just wrecked everything
He ruined my favorite outfits, music, music artists, writing, books, countries, and even my novels that I had ideas I was just so excited for.
I just can't get him out of my mind
And the truth is
I don't like him anymore
I really don't
but I do miss him
and I admit that
I don't want to
but honestly, I do
So it is just easier... to forget
Although with all the things that lead me back to him
It's proving not to be easier
and I kind of don't want to forget
because he was the closest I ever came
To really liking a guy
Who liked me back
and just like the tense he used when he said goodbye to me
I say liked
*not like.

The other day
I stood outside
thinking to myself

All the pain came flooding back
from past times all alike
pain I shared with others
and pain all of my own
pain that brought knives rope
and pain that brought some hope

Then my sorrow came flooding out
in tiny shiny drops
with a name we've  given
that is so simple,
harmless teardrops

Yet as they fell towards my palm
they turned to hardened ice
falling down to my open hand
behold my frozen pain

I reached up my trembling hand
to catch the falling silver
only to see both pain and hope
shatter in my palm