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sekots Apr 14
I’ve started to realize
I’ve never just jumped into a relationship, trust-wise.
It’s like I see relationships as this terrifying ocean
and instead of learning/trying to swim,
I try to cling onto the shore
even though I knowingly walk in deeper
and in doing so,
I unwittingly drown myself
Jan 22 · 113
haiku: ii
sekots Jan 22
alone, at midnight,
a glutton, i writhe with shame —
mac ‘n’ cheese my bane.
Graduate school sets you up for a very strange schedule, I’ve learned. I’ve also learned it’s best not to eat half a box of mac n cheese before bed. Or ever.
Dec 2019 · 91
haiku: i
sekots Dec 2019
Tonight, this **** dog
Keeps farting himself awake.
Sleep seems quite futile.
I am truly impressed by my darling dog’s ability to rouse not only me but also himself with his own perfumes. Rescue alumni rule.
Jul 2019 · 138
sekots Jul 2019
the way you try to look away in time
the way your hair falls in your face
or the way you hide under that hat or that band shirt

the way you pull me close
the way you smell my hair
and the way you throw me away

the way you lay your head on my chest
the way you talk like love
but the way you act like lust

the way you pick you pants up off my floor
the way you tie your shoes
and the way you walk out the door

the way your hands hold
like you’ve never seen something so precious
the way your nose is sweet
and the way your face is kind

the way you close your eyes when you smile
the way you sigh when my hands are in your hair
the way you ask me what i think
and the way you like who i am
i've been trying to get back into the dating scene, and it's hard. these are just some thoughts i've had from the different interactions.
Jul 2019 · 144
three beers in
sekots Jul 2019
i’m three beers in, alone
when i should be at home.
you’re god knows where
when you should be here.

i don’t cry
i don’t get caught on the little things
i do though,
without you

can we go watch the stars again?
slowly floating near each other
never meeting
like us
until it was too late

i feel like wearing all black
i feel like my scuffed docs
i feel like dark nail polish
and i feel like a fourth beer
sekots Jun 2019
dear painted mask slipping off my face,
wet mildewed socks clinging to weary feet,
molasses on my hands shrouded in gloves of lace –
you in the cracked mirror, you rotten, rancid, discarded piece of meat.

o, knotted wicked web of thread,
the faucet of my eye leaks.
emily’s funeral in her head –
it took three weeks

to admit the rot the plumber missed.
to cry when the evening light is dying –
to say that i’m sad – to say i’m ******.
to watch and feel my circuits frying.

blinded and fooled and beaten, i ran and crashed into not-love –
maybe i’m an idiot, because i still can’t tell a pigeon from a dove.
Jun 2019 · 449
i'm trying
sekots Jun 2019
i’m trying to smile today
so far it’s going okay
yesterday hurt
my heart got burnt

but today,
so far,
i sang in the car
and i think it’s going okay
Jun 2019 · 45
sekots Jun 2019
maybe it was too bold
to say how i felt,
but isn’t that what all those **** songs say?

“tell them, before you grow old”
maybe that’s also how heartbreak is spelt.
now all i really want to say to the universe is “f*ck you” this monday.
Jun 2019 · 74
i see your silhouette
sekots Jun 2019
i see your silhouette
at every stoplight
like an apparition
like the ghost you became to me

but why didn't you say a final thing in closing?
(aren't business deals kind of your thing?)
why ask a question and fade away?

i want to be mad
(and sometimes i am)
but i can't be for long
you showed me
how to like me

maybe it was damage control
before the damage was done
got me on your hook
and ripped it out before
you left for good

i want to be sad
(and sometimes i still am)
but i can't be for long
you're chasing your dream
and you say you want the same for me
sekots May 2019
i am not prepared
and i'm glad.
because what else would there be left to learn?
in this huge
ever-changing world?

our work is never done -
and thank /goodness/ it's not.
for we seek goodness,
but like competence,
will we ever actually reach it?

how can we stop here?
how can we be fully prepared?
how can we ever just find that holy grail?
what would be left to chase?
with an entire world to see, how can we narrow our vision
to one place
at one time?

i never want to leave my mark
on one place
at one time.
i never want to be comfortable,

for we truly do have one
most glorious
most outstanding
most unique
most painful
most bittersweet
most fleeting
this life won't make sense.
sometimes, it feels like we don't make sense.
yes, it's all strange -
it's all foreign,
in the best way.

so, no - i'm not "prepared."
i am ready.
Mar 2019 · 122
you said something
sekots Mar 2019
you said something
about how you wished you didn’t just write
down thoughts in your phone
you said something
about how you were tired of keeping them hidden
in one of your songs
that you don’t often share

but you should share more
i like what you have to say
what you share

you touched my hand today
for a skittering second
when i handed back your computer charger
maybe the cord is just missing some wax
because it made me jump a little

why can i feel you breathe?
why is gravity a little stronger around you
and your big dumb beautiful curly-haired head?

“atlanta isn’t that far away”
neither is your desk
but it feels like there’s an ocean in between
your shoreline and mine

i wish i’d brushed your shoulder on the couch
or touched your painted sleeve
or done anything at all to get closer
at the light show
on the night
where everything else
so briefly stood still

yes i’ll laugh at your intellectual jokes
yes i’ll write poetry for your start-up zine
yes i’ll take photos for free
for you
yes i’ll be there
know i’m fragile though
around you
in your orbit
pulled by your gravity
Mar 2019 · 1.3k
sekots Mar 2019
are you different?
are you magic?

do you make time stand still?
did you make a home in my head?

do you even know?
you are like the rain
i’m the frightened field

maybe one day, we can help each other
hurt a little less
grow a little more
create a little masterpiece

but if not

all i want
is your lips
in that smile
for all the days in your life

all i want
are your hands
making art
for all the days in your life

all i want
is your heart
to be joy full
and your spirit tired less
for all the days in your life
Nov 2018 · 66
Golden Boy
sekots Nov 2018
Face so kind
Sweet like cinnamon
Eyes a lagoon
Crooked grin and caramel heart

What do you see
Where do you look
For someone to see you?
For someone to see like you?

You make me wanna trip
And fall
And tremble
You’ve got your triggers
And I’ve got mine

You make me feel high
In a good way, like a five
You make me feel seen

You line me up with your shining eye
And rip right through me
When I thought my walls were steel
When I thought at least /those/ were real

You’re the golden boy
You’re the sun
And around you, I feel safe and warm and one

But for how long?
Because the sun always sets
And my trigger gets pulled
Because intertwined fingers are clumsy
My heart is clumsy

I wanna put you on safety
But I can’t even trust myself to aim in the right direction
I always tighten the choke too much
And you’re a .22 caliber
The golden boy

— The End —