I can be vapid.  
I can pretend...
I can accomplish.
This simple- amends.
I hate that I can’t trust you.
I no longer love you...
You broke my trusting heart.
And now I'm done with you
You are too self-absorbed to see
What you now are to me.
Barely tolerated
This CHARADE
Is even BORING
Why do I bother to make you happy?
When I --
no longer--
care.

I hate it
When you really want
To write something
Profound.
And all that comes out
Is garbage.

Tossed aside
Without even a
Sidelong glance
Trash
Well *******
**** your demons
Breathe in
Breathe out
Goodbye.
Hello
beautiful tomorrow
And every
possible future
Mine

They say the language you cry in
Is the one you are born with
And though I concede
This is true
You aren't worth a tear in my tongue!
So je plue
Je plue
Je n'ai pluere pas pour toi
Je n'ai pluere pas pour toi
I won't cry for you now anynore
You aren't worth the tears
You said you were leaving,
I begged you to stay
I don't know why I
Said those words anymore
I already knew the truth in my heart
That it wasn't real because I'm not falling apart
Why did I even bother to try?!
You arent worth the tears in the language I cry
Why did I even bother to try?!
You aren't worth the tears in the language I cry
The language I cry
The language I cry
You aren't worth the tears
In the language I cry

Midnights sweet caress
Is nothing compared
To the shock
Of the morning hour
Startled awake by
Bad dreams
That
I can't quite
Remember
Filling me
With an
Uneasy dread

Sometimes
Everything hits you
at once--
Like a train car
Full blast
No breaks
All at once you're sad
You're sick
You're alone
You're a mess
And you reach out
For help,
Only to find that when
They try to help you
They try to rob you
Of your pain
And sometimes
You just aren't done with
it just yet---

Home is a funny word
Home is something I thought I never had
In middle school
In high school
I was tossed about
Adrift
My home was a suitcase
My parent's houses, hotels
I didn't live in one place enough
To form the close bonds
In order to have the kinds of relationships
That I needed to have.
I became self-destructive
By the time I got to college,
I wouldn't know a friend from an enemy
If they punched me in the chest
Threw me against a wall
Or held me down and hurt me
But then I found that I'd had friends all along
People who wanted me to be safe and happy
That I had been too destructive to notice
And as soon as I realized that,
New friends appeared
I cleansed my life of my enemies
and I began to find myself
In the sea of hate
So when I left my mother's house in September
I didn't think I would feel the loss
I had left the house before
But I didn't realize the difference it would make
To know I'd never come back.
And these city lights
Are beautiful
But they are not my home
My home is where my friends are
My home is somewhere between us and me
So if I get forgetful, text too little or if I text too much.
Know that I love you
And I'm just a little out of touch
With how friendships are supposed to be
And that I miss my home now more than anything
And I miss my family too
And though I may have been broken
I'm fixed now, good as new
And I hope you love me too.

Where do you feel most at peace?

It’s a simple enough question,
But reality carried into another dimension
Trickling waterfalls and rivers down to the ground.

I used to think I loved the city
Was enamored
Enthralled
Engorged with my love of
Skyscrapers
Buildings so tall that I couldn’t see
The sun.

But as I’ve grown older
And finally emigrated to one of
My beloved urban centers
I soon discovered
My truth was
Slightly off center

Now I could tell you stories about buildings and culture
And man made designs so beautiful
It could break
Your heart

But the thing
That always
Caught me
In reality
Were the people
The animals
The trees
The patch of grass
Struggling
To survive.

So in the city I am
The city so big and bustling that I can’t even
Hear myself think
And I ask myself
Was the woods really that bad?

Because in the forest I’m alone,
But I’m alone here in the city
What’s worse?
Loneliness in actuality
Or loneliness in spirit

I HAVE A QUESTION

What do you look for when you travel?
Do you seek out
Shopping
Food
Parks
Buildings
Landmarks
History
A lover
Do you skip over the people
And starving children
Looking at you
With those big, big eyes?

What are we missing today?
What am I missing  in
This concrete building
Staring at a wall
Because my window
Doesn’t have a skyline
The movies LIE

Now I can tell you stories
About city blocks
A lovers arms
And laughing at bars with friends
But nothing brings me back to center
Like the forest.

My favorite parts of when I traveled
Was when I found the woods
Go to Copenhagen, go to Paris and look.
You can find them,
They’re still there where
We left them
Just like
My soul.

The lilt of imagination
Turns quickly sour
Untoward, yet
Benign
My lapse into
Unconsciousness
Beckons the question...
A tapestry of truth
Against my wall of lies
But, if I breakdown
What will be left
But rubble?

I hate the summer air
The way it sticks to every hair
The sudden need
To shave my legs
Scrape myself ******
Surely instead
The air itself chokes
Me like water
Swimming in mosquitoes
Spiders and moths
When will this horror of summer
Ever stop?

I miss winter
It's bitter chill
The cold piercing me
Like no lover ever will
My breath condensing
In mid-air
The snowflakes falling
White winter wonderland

You stormed out
Untold stress
And I'm the cause
Please dear mother
Don't you see
What your anger
Does to me
I can't change the way
my body
Chooses to consume itself
If I could
You know I would
So please don't blame yourself
For my pain
Genetics aren't your fault
Troublesome though it may seem
I'm sure the future
Will still have plans for me
So chin up, mother
Don't cry for me
I don't want another sad memory
I miss your laughter
I miss your smile
Don't let your depression
Take you away
From me

The broken glass
A shattered past
An old diary
Filled to the brim
My smile fades
At the turn of each page
What a fool
I was
What a fool
I am

The truth it wavers
In mine eye
But the whiskey
It never lies
The smoked out burn
A liquid caress
That helps me slip out
Of my dress
And into bed
With book and glass in hand
To a peaceful
Troubled rest

I've washed the sheets a hundred times
Yet still I can't shake
The feeling
That their is a hint
of your scent
lingering on the pillowcase
Where you last slept
Before you left

Waking into
A world of change
Still can't seem to scratch
This ache
Alone again
I'm home again
Finally free
to be me
Leads me to question
About this silly obsession
Why try to be loved
When every time
I feel the need to disguise
my mind?

The wind blows
Shallow
Through my window
pane
A chill runs up my spine
Forces me
To awaken from my fortress
Of technology and blankets
To look outside
At the real world
Where I fear to tread

Wasting away
Wasting the day
Marginalized
And compromised
Consuming my fill
Of filthy lies
Swallow the truth
So no one can see
What I myself
Have done to me

I've lost the courage to eat
And all I want is sleep
Where once I'd dream of you
Suddenly there is nothing
For me to do
Trapped in a waking coma
By a shameful persona
Why rise?
If all I will do is fall

I thought I wanted to know
I really thought I wanted to know
I thought you'd prove
My worst fears wrong
Instead you made
My nightmares seem
Like child's play.

Joy to pain
Pain to sorrow
Round and round
Goes the clock
Endlessly ticking
Continuously clicking
Mindless
Heartless
Symphony of tock
Today, tomorrow, yesterday
Time doesn't actually heal
An illusion of progress
As we march towards darkness
Slaves to time
In all, but our minds

I cried today
Not for the first time
Tears for you
Unfeeling man
I begged for a second chance
Why was I begging?
That should have been you!
You're the one who
Can no longer love
The one who built a wall
That I've been desperately
Trying to climb
I woke up today
Feeling foolish
There is so much more
To me than tears and pain
Yet I crave the mental anguish
That you so kindly deliver
For it means
On some level
Maybe
You might care
Eventually

You're not in love,
But I don't have far to go
Chasing a broken dream
Faded memories
I was so convinced
My faith
Unbreakable
Until you forced me
To see
In love you'll never be
So sadly wrapped
In shades of sorrow
To my hollow shell
I retreat
A weary soul
A broken heart
Who still clings
To a sliver of hope

Why do I always put you first
Whether or not you deserve it
It doesn't even matter
Who you are
The yous change with the times
Still I find
That I'm always working
Harder to be loved
Craving it, bleeding for it
But over time
This has made me
Unlovable, a monster
Driven into hiding
Frightened of being open
And yet unable to be alone
I'm going through the motions
Of being alive
But I find myself
Passionless and empty
Where once there was art
All I want is to be loved
And yet I know I don't deserve it
So just walk away
Let's start over
With a new you
The cycle
Forever on repeat

I'll never become
What I want to be
But maybe you'll see me
In the shadow of a doubt
In the corner of your eye
maybe you'll see me

Desperately I try to find
The words to say what's on my mind
Can't decide between two kinds
Water drowning me in time
Soon there will be nothing left
Nothing to turn back to
And it will all be regret
Right now my mind is sanctuary
And to it I return
Tired, sobbing and weary.

The Air smells of salt
And the cold wind
Brings it closer
I can sense them
The waves crashing
But they are not here
Why must the air torment me?
Why can't it content me?
Oh wind, sweet wind
Take me far away
Take me to the mountaintops
Where you often play!
Take me to the sea
And together you and me
Will dance upon the waves
And explore the hidden caves
Why must I be stuck to this earth?
Planted here by weight and gravity?
If only I could travel like the wind
Then contented I would be.

She watched the rain,
fall.  
It formed pools on the ground outside her window.  
Her cup of tea had cooled and
still the rain fell.  
The steps of yesterday echoed
through the hall.  
Joyful memories told unto all.  
Still it trickled down the windowpane
Slipping into oblivion
Beyond the glimpse of reality
Through parted eyelashes
She watched the rain
Weather mirroring nothing
But an empty page
A life unlived
Except for the words
I love you
And nothing more.

Where is the armor
That I used to wear
to hide
Where is the shelter
I used to find
inside
I fear you
Even though
I've got nothing to hide
The truth hurts love
Sit back and let me cry
Sometimes I need to be
alone
Sometimes I'm done
Pretending I'm grown
I've aged so much
And changed so little
But when I look at you
All I want to do is smile

Can’t find the a new lease on life
In this burnt out town

Can’t find a goal or a dream
In these forlorn streets

I’m haunted by my memories
Most of the time
I’m haunted by my memories
Can’t keep them inside

I need to run
to feel free
to fall upon the ground in front of me
I can’t lie
I’d rather jump than stay
Even though the ground is so far away

I won’t accept
This failure anymore
My history is such a bore

Hang tight darling
We’re gonna fall
All the way
Out of my fading memory

Because I can’t find a new lease on life
In this god forsaken town

Can’t find a goal or a dream
In these dead end streets

I’m haunted by my memories
So I’m going to leave them all behind

I need to run
To feel free
To fall upon the ground in front of me
I can’t lie
I’d rather jump than stay
Because maybe the ground isn’t so far away

So hang tight darling
We’re gonna fall
Because maybe the ground isn’t so far away after all

It’s funny how it happened
It’s sad now that it’s over
A fitting end
To a messed up world
All us pawns too small to see

The sky will still be pretty
The grass will still be green,
But I still think we’ve lost something…
Just between you and me.

Because the world’s a little darker
And my feet keep getting lost
An itch to wander
Always stronger
Than my will to stand still

All the bright lights
In all the cities
More power there
Can’t even comprehend
Electricity pumping
Through our concrete veins
Keeps the stars from showing
The light seeps out and
Keeps us in the dark

But in our hearts
We all crave attention
Like the lights
Shining Bright
That illuminate
Our skies

So take a deep breath
And take a step back
The sky will still be pretty
The grass will still be green,
But we’ve lost something…
Haven’t we?