I don't need to use words, they can see it in my eyes. I'm not quite sure what "it" is, but I know by the looks of horror and pity on their faces that they see something strange. Maybe they see nothing, a dark void, or perhaps they see the too-blue eyes of a girls that haunt me every hour. They could see the ugly terrors of my mind that never rest, or maybe they caught a glimpse of the devil himself. I know they can see that I'm scared; there's enough pain present in my eyes that you can almost hear my screams for help, for guidance, for company, for anything. I know they can see my anxiousness, they just aren't listening.

Do you ever wonder if we are somehow connected with our planet? As if it's fate is intertwined with ours? Oh, because I do. I couldn’t tell you the last time I felt as if I were thriving. Last winter was one of the coldest I've lived through. It creeped in, slow as ever, freezing me from the inside out. First, it started with my heart, the most vulnerable part of me. When my heart had been captured, the rest of my body surrendered. I heard the whispers, the rumors, but I could not bring myself to care. I did not realize I was dying from frostbite until he saved me. I wouldn’t say saved as much as thawed.  He came into my life and held on so tight that the seemingly unbreakable wall of ice around my heart, cracked right open. He was spring and he rejuvenated me. He thawed out my body and my vessels were running with the full force of a river filling with snow melt. He wrapped me in his arms and I swear his beating heart resuscitated my still one. What was vacant chamber, was now filling with warmth and hope.
But, you know what they say about hope. It breeds misery.
I was living and running and basking in the sun for some time. But, it didn’t take me long to figure out the frostbite leaves permanent damage. I had only been on a high. High from all the oxygen coursing through me, high from those dark blue eyes promising me everything. Then fall came around, and those gentle hands and shining eyes turned into arguments lasting for nights. Late nights of laughter turned into sleeping pills and whiskey and late mornings. He had left and I found out that my heart never really started beating again. The tissue had been dead for months; his sweet words fooled me into believing I had been healed.
This winter is awfully mild, almost as if the storm inside me has gotten tired of restlessly beating me down. I feel oddly calm, an unsettling calm. Numb would be a good word. I can't feel anything anymore. I've tried to let the poor boy in and I have tried to let her in. I just don’t feel the spark. I don’t see what use it is to waste effort on somebody I know I am going to leave in the cold. I am waiting for him to come back because I know winter is going to hit me with full force one of these nights. For now, I'll just leave the whiskey bottle on my bed stand. I'll lock the pills in my jewelry box. I'll save my remedies for the day that I find that I can’t run from the vengeful earth no more, for the day that I can't run from you anymore.

Darling,
I will not blame you for leaving me. I won't blame you if one morning you wake up and I am no longer your Sun. If I am no longer giving you that perfect balance of crazy yet calm, it is not your fault. Just tell me the moment you no longer feel that you are coming home when lying down next to me, and I will not be angry. Tell me now, before it's too late to avoid reckless behavior. Tell me the exact moment you do not love me anymore and there will be no hard feelings. I will let you walk away without putting up a fight. I will still love you, darling, but I promise you this, I will not blame you.

Outside, the wind is screaming profanities so loud not even my solidified fortress can keep the sound out. The rain is falling down my skylights almost reluctantly, like not even they want to be part of the storm.  God is pacing, throwing himself around. I can hear his uneasiness booming all around, I can see the flashes of anger in his eyes.
Inside, my fortress is dry, warm, tranquil. It is a safe abode from the frustrations outside the walls. Although I may be safe from God's temper tonight, I have a storm raging inside of me, breaking my ribs and burning my heart. I understand Him, and the need for him to cause such disaster. I am disastrous in my own way. Ripping innocent hearts with my need to feel calm.There is a certain comfort knowing somebody is the feelings the same pain as I am.

I was happy. I wanted to go out with friends. I wanted to my days lying in the sun. Then, the storm clouds rolled in oh so quietly. They came fast, but they're not in a hurry to leave. I didn't see them coming. I was dancing in the sun one minutes and the next, I'd been pushed to the ground. Lying face down in the dirt while lightening struck trees and the wind tore down my safe haven. I know that I should've ran for cover because now I don't know how to escape the storm inside myself. There are blizzards so destructive in my chest that I don't know if I'm crippled from the debilitating pain or if I'm frozen from the inside out. I can't see the light at the end. I can't find the warmth of my living body. Is my heart still beating? All I can feel is my veins icing over. I hope the coldness doesn't get to my heart. This storm hit like a wall, knocking me off my feet and shoving me six feet under the surface of a frozen lake. I don't know which way is up. My lungs are burning, but the rest of me is numb. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I'm not okay.

Sometimes depression means
lying lifeless in bed for a week
because my bones cannot accept that they will not break
and shatter upon hitting the floor
then once I fall to my knees because my body cannot comprehend the strength it has
it means staring at the floor for hours and counting the grains of wood because my body cannot be convinced that it is capable of breathing, that is it capable of movement,
that it is
capable of standing
without feeling like I'm going to collapse in on myself like the death of a star,
But I guess the whole world seeing my light is not a bad way to go
Sometimes it means rocking back and forth on my bed whispering
I can't do it, I give up, you win, I can't do it, I give up, you win,
I can't do it, I give up, you win because my mind refuses to believe that it will conquer the demons hiding in my caliginous synaptic gaps
And sometimes, it means ignoring every form of communication this year because yes, I am here but I am no longer who you are looking for

They say it takes 21 days to break a habit, but it had been 32 since the last time I saw you and I still felt the reality of you like a breath of fresh air. I saw you at that party and I couldn't stop the dry heaving and sobbing that I knew would come. I wake up every morning with tears in my eyes, but I'm too aware to let them out. I'm too proud during the day. I have dreams about you at night. I dream about all the little and intimate moments. Moments where it really felt like you loved me and cared for me. I awake to tears pouring out of my eyes, because the truth is, is that all that intimacy was faked. It was a lie. I don't know how to deal with this pain. I've lost a friend to sickness before, but this pain is unforgivable. I can't forget you. You're in my sober thoughts, my drunken thoughts, my high thoughts, my conscious and my sleepy thoughts. I can't get away from you and it's torture. I feel the sharp edges of my broken self in every move I make. I want it to stop. I just want peace. How do I make the hurting stop?

I love the curl of your lips but I'm not the reason for your smile anymore
and it hurts

And I love your shaggy hair but I'm not the one pulling on it anymore
and it hurts

And I love the hurricanes in your fingertips but I'm no longer drowning in your touch
and it hurts

And I love that fire in your eyes but I'm not the one who sparked it this time
and it hurts

And your tongue could tell epics of great proportions but the roof of my mouth is no longer the audience
and it hurts

It hurts so much that I can't breath
and it devestates my happy semblance
it destroys me
and you're tearing my heart apart
with your wicked smirk
and your temerous kiss
and the way you love like a paradox
but you're so beautiful
a beautiful disaster I can't help but love
and it hurts
god ****** you caliginous *******
it hurts

In ten years, I'd like to feel okay
I want to laugh without trying
and I want to smile without crying
I'm sorry if this is all so cliché

In ten years, I'd like to visit beautiful places on this earth
I'd like to see Machu Picchu and I'd like to experience Greece
I want to find serenity and I want to feel at peace
I yearn to find my soul and I want to meditate

And in ten years, I'd like to be free
I want the courage to stand up to my demons
I want to put fear in their nonexistent hearts and say, I made it, man.
Yeah by then, free is all I want to be

I want my family to mend its broken ways by the time I'm twenty-six
I want a home filled with love and laughter
And I want my brother to not be a ****-up in these years after
All I want is for this torn-apart-at-the-seams-home to be fixed

Oh in ten years I will  c o n q u e r  my depression
For I will not let it drown me in my sorrows
And I will kick anxiety's *** and not let it take my tomorrows
Oh, I will send my demons a'runnin'

Yes, I know this is all cliché
But I'd like to be almost happy one day

A part of my died last night. Well, I don't know if it so much as died as it just vanished. I think I lost the most important part of a soul. And that's the capacity to hope. I sobbed from dusk til dawn because part of what made me human walked out on me. How am I supposed to find happiness without hope? Without love? I kept my chest cracked open and vulnerable for the chance that he would take me back. All I have now is my dying heart and the final truth that I will never call him mine again. I feel as if I cried my soul out yesterday. I'm just a walking, breathing robot. A phenomenon of nature! I don't feel phenomenal. I feel like I'm doomed to a life of numbness. I lost love, then I lost the hope that love would one day fill the empty spaces in me again. The loss of hope is the loss of humanity. I grieved for the disappearance of the self that I had been. I am different today. Colder, less compassionate, slightly less alive.
When I woke up this morning, my ribs felt as if they all broke overnight. But I know that the crows outside my window must have finally gotten in. They had been picking at my bones, trying to get at the decaying flesh underneath. And I let them. What's the point of salvaging something that is past the point of no return? I think the worst feeling, the feeling that can break a person in half a second, is hopelessness. And when you walked away from me and half-heartedly said, "I'll always love you even if I can't show it," I felt everything but hope for a better tomorrow. Sorrow. Anger. Frustration. Grief. Desperation. Haziness. Numbness. Lifeless. Hopeless.

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Build me up and watch me fall
Spend me, draw from the wells of my soul
There is nothing there, but it's your call
Drain me, bleed me dry
I've already started with this blade
My oh my, now there's blood on the floor
The darkness has engulfed me
Watch me set fire to my empty heart
I'll burn brighter than the flames of hell
Mirror, mirror made of glass
Your broken shards in my hands
Are covered, stained bright red
What they did is caliginous
I'm choking on blood, down on my knees
I'm nothing but broken bones and desparate pleas so
Mirror, mirror, how long until I finally fall?
*Not long my dear, so give it your all

I miss the feeling of you looking at me in the shadows of the night and sleepily confessing your love to me.
I miss the nights that you would always hold me tighter if I moved even an inch.
I miss the early mornings, in the dim light of the nearing dawn, where you would kiss me slow while gripping my hips.
I miss the afternoon naps when it would be too hot to hold each other, but we would end up in tangles by the time we woke up.
I miss standing under the steady, hot stream of water with your lips to my forehead and you hugging me close.
I will never forget the soul-shattering pain I felt the last time I saw you, when you told me, "I will always love you, even if I can't show it," because what kind of pathetic line is that?
I will never forget the self-control it took to not ***** on your shoes when you said you were leaving.
I will never forget the betrayal in your eyes when you asked me if we would always love each other, and I responded with, "I never loved you."
I will never forget the sting of those words slipping off my tongue, fighting with each syllable to vibrate through the air.
I will never forget that those words weren't true, but I had to let you go, and I needed you to let me go.
I will never forget the way I loved you, for I still do everyday.

My religion is listening
for your name in the wind

God bless the days
that I hear you whispering

Heaven help the days
when you are silent

Your presence deluges me
like the devil on my shoulder
who knows no boundaries

It is all I can do at the end of the day
to fall to my knees and beg for your
sinful temerity

May He strike me down
every time I wish to feel
your hand on my thigh

And may He resurrect me
every time you break into
my soul and ****** my humanity

The person I wish I could be is loved. She is capable of accepting love and she is capable of loving in return, even when she believes that she does not deserve a single glance in her direction. The person I want to be is able to hear the words I love you without turning cold and shutting that poor boy out.
For the person I am believes that to love is to destroy, if there is even such a thing as love. Because when the person I was thought she found love, it only betrayed her. He left bruises on her skin, dark half moons under her eyes, and her sanity cowering in a caliginous corner. He always made everything her fault, her mistake, her problem. And at the end of it all, she ended up on a street corner at three in the morning crying, wondering how in hell broken bones and blood-shot eyes could ever be thought of as love. But, the person I am now is smarter and a fighter.
The person I wish to be is not only a fighter, but she's a warrior. A warrior who finds strength in her weaknesses. A woman who knows that all of those sleepless nights spent at the bottom of a bottle were not a waste because it taught her that it is cruel out in the world but she is still here, living. The person I will be is strong enough to endure.

your presence invades my mind with such ease it's almost like you're meant to be there
i can't remember the last time i saw you, but you still find a way to intrude my dreams
and they are always so splendid and serendipitous
it almost occurs to me that i might miss you
but your presence also invades so carelessly, breaking me and breaking me
down
and i remember why i don't miss you

I know it's just a war in my mind
I know I'm battling with my own self
I know
I know
I know
but am I drowning in these demons swimming through my head like unwanted ghosts in an abandoned graveyard?
what's it feel like to be able to stay afloat?
how's it feel to choke on my own words?
why's it feel like I'm suffocating by fault of my own hands?
I though I was holding on by a loose thread but I guess I never learned how to navigate through the deep, dark caverns of my own soul

How does one person manage to root themselves so deeply in your life, that when she goes, your whole self is upheaved? From my collapsed heart to my broken hopes, everything is torn apart. Into the lumen of my bones, all I feel is pain and the hurt of a truly broken heart. I see her ghost with every corner I turn. I can't breathe. I can't see. I can't do anything with this burn, searing through my ribs like a bandit on the run. How do I fix the damage? How do I repair my roots? All of them are shredded, not one was spared. They say it takes time. Anything takes time. I have time. But how am I expected to grow without the sun? Without nourishment? There's only been gloomy clouds and hailstorms that slowly break down the last of my sanity. I can't grow like this, all twisted and dark. I hear people talking. They say that the shadows have taken over my soul. Yeah, you might see my body walking around, but you won't see anything in these lifeless eyes. I'm trapped in here. I'm bruising, bleeding, barely hanging, trying to escape. It won't be long until I'm six feet under, buried by darkness.

I told you I loved you last night
I said that my only fear was losing you
You are the anchor that keeps me here
You are the wind that whispers to my ear
You are the sun to brighten my days and you are the moon to brighten my darkest hours
I told you I needed you
For with you I was a better person
I told you I loved you
And you said goodbye

I feel nothing
Time is standing still
If I allow myself to feel
I know all the sadness and pain
Will consume my every thought
And course through my veins
It will bring me to my knees
And strip me of everything I am
It will leave nothing but my shattered heart and broken bones

It's near impossible to pinpoint the exact moment you died inside. It's even harder telling your parents that it's not the boy making you crazy but the malicious voice in your head telling you, you're not good enough. You will never be good enough. And what's most difficult is trying to explain to them that he makes you feel whole inside and like you're not damaged goods. He drags you out of No Man's Land where there's nothing but your demons hiding around every corner, waiting to attack. To tell you you're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough. The ones who make it hard to get out of bed in the morning. You're not good enough. They stole your happiness long before you noticed it was gone. You're not good enough. They lured you into that back alley and robbed you of your soul. You're not good enough. So someone please tell me, how do I tell you that the lights left my eyes long before he came along?