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Sep 2020 · 43
Forward Progress
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2020
I finally got over my fear of you
Reading my work and my mind
No longer wondering where you’re going to
Or if you’re far behind

If I walked into a room
And you were sitting there
I wouldn’t feel my mind go zoom
I’d continue without a care

The words I used to describe you
No longer paint you as a threat
You’re now a memory, just someone I knew
And over time I will forget

I’m not scared anymore to read your name
I hope that time lets you feel the same
Oct 2018 · 2.0k
Keep Him In Your Thoughts
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2018
I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom in the wake of what happened
I still remember how he cried saying this was a mistake, how he didn’t know how this happened
The brokenness in his voice and shaking is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in the bathroom when someone asked me what was going on
I still remember explaining the assault, how I couldn’t process what happened
The crying on the other end of the phone is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting at a desk while an investigator looked at me
I still remember trying to protect his identity, but knowing I had to come forward
The confusion surrounding why I was acting this way is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in a damp shower when I wrote a letter to the person who asked what was going on
I still remember telling them to love him as they had before
The feeling that everything I wrote was not for my benefit, but for theirs, is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in his room again like nothing had ever happened
I still remember feeling like something bad really had happened, and denial isn’t healthy
The last hug we shared before it all blew up is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting with a staff member who noticed I felt uneasy
I still remember feeling like I was overreacting, but others around me felt as if I was hiding something
The moment they figured out what really happened is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting at my desk when I thought he was gonna **** himself
I still remember how I asked if he was okay, and I got a one word answer
The realization I should never speak to him again is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting on the floor of a new bedroom that had no bad memories
I still remember the flashbacks that came in waves over what had happened
The feeling of his touch is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in class, in church, in companionship, and in complete isolation when the flashbacks returned
I still remember feeling powerless as everything looked blurry
The people who helped to pull me out is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting with friends when they asked why there wasn’t a formal investigation
I still remember saying that he needed to be protected and to live a great life
The look on their faces is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in a hotel room when I remembered he has the same anxiety
I still remember how I tried to move on and said that this wasn’t just my problem
The realization I can’t hurt him more than he has is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in bed this morning when I reminded myself why I never made things harder than they needed to be
I still remember how he cried saying this was a mistake, how he didn’t know how this happened
The brokenness in his voice and shaking is something I will never forget
*Keep him in your thoughts
Emma Chatonoir May 2018
I’m not sure if you understand poetry
Or if you even remember my name
After all, we met two months ago
You might have thought I was lame

But I felt happy after talking to you
I hoped you might be my friend
Maybe we would hang out again
Or a message to me you would send

I never heard anything
Though I saw you across the room
And even though I was there for an hour
You didn’t see me that afternoon

For some reason I’m taking a shot
I found your email so we could talk
Nervousness came across before I hit send
Was this like a stalk?

I guess the worst you can do is not reply
Though I still wrote anyway
I wonder what will come from this
Or if I’ll remember today.
Feb 2018 · 240
Processing
Emma Chatonoir Feb 2018
Everything I seem to write
Eventually comes true
I wrote so much about destruction
That it finally happened to you
Writing about my selfish wish
How I wish you could be mine
Talking about stealing you away
And how that would be just fine
Now I could let myself have you
Your girlfriend never wants you back
Your fingerprints on someone else
The remnants of the attack
But none of this came for free
I had to pay a price
You assaulted me while I was sleeping
I reported it before I could think twice
But isn't this what I wished for?
For you to be all alone?
So I could swoop in and pick up the pieces
Though your actions I don't condone?
I can't believe I still care about you
You're a cheater and molester
But I can't get you out of my mind
Thoughts of you continue to pester
Everything I never really wanted
Now unfolding before my eyes
And while part of me wishes I could take advantage
Bruises speak louder than your lies.
Feb 2018 · 272
F17
Emma Chatonoir Feb 2018
F17
I started off this semester thinking it was going to be the best I ever had. I had been talking to this guy hours on end every day and considered him a close friend. I also had a crush that treated me kindly, amazing friends who thought highly of me, and I was confident in all of my classes. Almost all of that changed in sixteen weeks.

Let’s start with the first guy. I befriended him and we talked all the time because it felt so natural. I let my boundaries come down and found myself wanting to get close to him- even though he had a girlfriend. What started out as a two second side hug eventually became cuddling for hours, my head on his chest, watching cartoons. We always did our homework but made time for each other, and even though my arm was only around his shoulder and his girlfriend said she was fine with what was going on, deep down it wasn’t okay, I was tempting him. But that doesn’t excuse the fact he sexually assaulted me when I fell asleep (fully clothed, mind you) in his bed after a long day, and I woke up to his hands underneath my clothes and underwear. At first I tried to brush it off as an isolated incident and he could still be my friend, but then I recognized this was premeditated assault and he could hurt me again or **** me. It was painful to block him, let me tell you. I went from being completely fine and even dependent on his hugs to getting no hugs at all.

I had trouble bonding with my suitemates who often would drink and party. I have to respect their fearless attitude and willingness to experience college head-on, but I always follow the rules so I found myself withdrawing from them. When I had to move to emergency housing because I couldn’t forget how I ran back to my apartment after being assaulted, I never even said goodbye or told them where I was going. I ignore their texts to this day.

I’m still close friends with my first crush from the semester, probably closer than ever. I just realized that I talked about my crush with the guy who assaulted me, and that association happened in my mind. I adore my friend so much, but I can’t think of the half formed feelings I had for him without thinking of the guy who hurt me.

My friends aged overnight as I told them about my assault. So many of them stepped in to protect me and help escape the nightmares. I think it took a toll on them though- they never knew when I would need their help, but always gave it to me. I became dependent on the company of others. I needed to eat with someone and would skip meals or not eat all day sometimes because I needed someone with me.

I sort of lost interest in my classes, constantly tired and acting like a zombie through lectures. My math professor was frustrated with me and how I would always need extensions or straight up not do assignments. My database professor would see me lying down in class. My band director noticed I would latch on to two people, unwilling to accept outside help. I probably went to accounting five times this semester. My science teacher liked me though, and my programming professor showed me an incredible amount of kindness, walking me back to my apartment and listening to me talk. I could tell he really cared for me, though I always wondered if it was because he is a nice person or because I am a girl.

I ended up joining a policy club to try and write positive change for people in my community. I had trouble making friends because everyone seemed so much cooler than me, like I was lacking something. I talked to people but no real lasting friendships have come out of it so far. Except, maybe one.

I developed a crush on this guy at my church who also is in the policy club, though in a different area. He always puts others before himself, does what he is asked, plays piano, and we hold a lot of the same beliefs. I could see my future perfectly aligning with his. He said he had no romantic interest in me back in October, but things can change fast. I keep telling myself that.

Living in emergency housing has been an experience. I liked being off the grid and being able to process my emotions in peace, though I feel like I have slept a lot more. Not sure if that is good or bad, but I am not ready to face other people yet. Especially not my old suitemates.

Someone broke into my apartment in December and stared at me while I slept. This sent me over the edge and I was constantly anxious. This caused my immune system to basically collapse, and now I have a viral throat infection and have to take my finals when I come back in January. That’s good because it gives me time to recover and allow me to take finals while not extremely sick. It’s not good because this semester will never end.

I have had an adventure this semester, and maybe by writing out the bad and putting it out there, I can focus on the good. May S18 not be as bad as this has been.
Emma Chatonoir Dec 2017
I listen to the notes
The legends and the greats
The soprano tone that floats
The bass that sinks like weights
The tenors sing through throats
The altos quiet traits
But I find myself in dire straits

She said “let me hear your voice
How it sounds when it’s with mine
I’m not looking for perfection
To read music line by line
Someone with perfect pitch
Or perfect harmony
Just someone that can listen
Complement my melody
I want you to sing with me.”

I listen to the notes
The legends and the greats
I try and she devotes
Create music no one hates
We sound perfect she gloats
I believe her in these states
Because she completes my forgotten duet

She said “let me hear your voice
How it sounds when it’s with mine
I’m not looking for perfection
To read music line by line
Someone with perfect pitch
Or perfect harmony
Just someone that can listen
Complement my melody
I want you to sing with me.”
Oct 2017 · 251
Fall in love with my eyes
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2017
Fall in love with my eyes.

I must warn you though
They will never see you
How you see yourself
If they ever see you at all

I understand that people can't see my eyes
Without seeing my tinted glasses
The blindness cane in my hand
The inability to focus on any one thing

But I imagine the next person
Who will fall in love with me
They will look into my eyes
And forget I can't look back

If you can get past the fact
My eyesight will never get better
And that it will get worse
You will find it easy to love me

I don't know if I've met you yet
Or if you will change for me

I really hope you do

Fall in love with my eyes.
Oct 2017 · 244
Forming Constellations
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2017
Every time I look at the stars in the sky
I imagine how they would connect
Each star has a match for many reasons why
I watch them intersect
A beautiful constellation formed the other day
I was so excited to see it form
It looked like no other, I had no idea what to say
With each other, they seemed to transform
I wanted everyone else to see
How these stars perfectly aligned
No one else saw the pattern like me
The constellation only existed in my mind
I saw us in the stars and before my eyes
All of the other stars hid in the skies.
Sep 2017 · 305
Ripped Apart
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I wanted our lives to be intertwined
To have you with me every day
You were a person so wonderful and kind
Always knowing what to say
We were the almost perfect couple, you and I
Even though there was no romance
All of that began to die
When you forcefully got in my pants
Now I'm left wondering who to go to
Whenever I need a hug
I always felt safest when I was with you
But that was kicked under the rug
From being together to being ripped apart
I don't even know where to start.
Sep 2017 · 375
Writing My Own Destruction
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
Everything I seem to write
Seems to eventually come true
And all of it seems to be hitting at once
All targeted at you
I wrote of how I wished you were mine
How I wish we could always be close
I developed an addiction to your touch
Never fearing an overdose
One of those nights we spent together
You groped me, skin to skin
I was sleeping and didn't realize what was going on
This was territory we had never been
No consent was exchanged that night
It was an experience called assault
But you convinced me this was an embarassment
I thought I was at fault
I told your girlfriend anyway
She cried with me and drank
I wondered if this was the right decision
If later it was me she would thank
It was the right thing to do, telling her
I know that for sure
Though I question if I jumped at the opportunity
In order to destroy her
She's going to be out of your life soon
And will never take you back
You're the reason I can't fall asleep
I'm stuck in a panic attack
But these thoughts can't get out of my mind
Even though you are my molester
Did this happen so I could have you?
These type of thoughts continue to pester
I shouldn't want you in a million years
You hurt me and you did cheat
Deep down I know these experiences
Are likely to repeat
Part of my brain says I shouldn't care
We should go back to things like before
Even if simple hugging
Made me feel like a *****
I can't keep you out of my mind
Or keep my fingers off the keyboard
I'm still in denial that my assault
Was done by someone I adored.
Sep 2017 · 253
Toxic Infatuation
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I never want to see you again
Yet I want to hold your hand
You disgust me more than anything
Though I miss seeing you in band

I cannot be safe when you're around
Yet I wish I was in your arms
You can't be trusted with anything
Though I believe you're not one who harms

I should stay far, far away
Yet I want you closs to me
You will hurt me again just like before
Though I never want to flee

I know you are very toxic
Yet I want you more and more
You manipulate me more than anyone
Though this happened before

I need to move on from you
Yet I want to see you smile
You may have hurt me profoundly
Though my brain is still in denial.
Sep 2017 · 194
Key To Destruction
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I hold the key to destruction
Yet I can't seem to get it to turn
It's vulnerable moment of seduction
No consent, so it's a concern
You're mortified that you did this
And know this could be the end
If I tell of the groping and kiss
Especially to your girlfriend
It's always been you I wanted to take
But never quite like this
I didn't want your heart to break
Because of something you did unconscious

I know we'll get through this, it wasn't a crime
I'll lose the key in a matter of time.
Sep 2017 · 238
Asking For It
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
Sometimes I think you ask for it
When you pull me in so close
How you wrap your arms to fit
My tiny frame and contorted pose
You take your hands and press my face
So it's against your own
Then you hold me in a tight embrace
It's just the two of us alone
Actions speak louder than words, you say
As we cuddle once more
You keep me safe, I can't walk away
But these thoughts I can't ignore

You lead me to believe you want us to kiss
But I don't know what to do about this.
Sep 2017 · 190
So Much More
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I told you that I love you
And then you said the same
Though I can't love like I want to
And it's really a shame
It's obvious by now that I wish
I was your only girl
Of all in the sea, you are my fish
I want to give this a whirl
But at the same time, I want to protect
For I'm terrified to destroy
I'd never forgive myself if I wrecked
The one who brings me so much joy

I can't let you be unfaithful, so this is rather hard
But it's your heart I'll continue to guard.
Sep 2017 · 224
Because of Flashing Lights
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I wish I could be in marching band
Playing at sports games in late nights
But away from them I have to stand
Because of flashing lights
I wish I could go to the concert
My friends want me to see the sights
Though my head will start to hurt
Because of flashing lights
I wish I could go anywhere
Without thinking of frequency and brights
And wondering if people will stare
Because of flashing lights

I wish I wasn't a photophobe
And I could be around lights that strobe.
Sep 2017 · 198
Note To Self 1
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
We could still be the best of friends
Although one bad move and we'll collapse
So now here we both stand
On the verge of relapse

But I still question
If your feelings for me
Go beyond the foundation
We created with our friendship

If you leaned in for a kiss
I wouldn't push away
But if you leaned in for another
I just might

When you're in love
It feels like the world doesn't exist
It's the same when you're not

I want to have another moment
Like that with you
But first
I have to get you to fall for me like before

All in the hopes
That maybe someday
I won't have
To let you leave my arms.
Ending stanzas from some of my poems arranged as a reminder
Sep 2017 · 954
Hating Myself
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I hate myself for trusting you
For I wish I never had
But now I don't know what to do
I think I have it bad

I can't fall asleep without your hugs
Your strong yet gentle touch
It's more addictive than any drugs
For I feel even the slightest is too much

Thoughts race quickly through my mind
My head stays still on your chest
Hand stretched across, fingers intertwined
Both of us at rest

Temptation sometimes will start
Then I realize I'm mistaken
I could never hold your heart
Besides, you're already taken

I'm fully capable of falling
Though what protects me is my brain
The mere thought of stealing you something apalling
I'd never dull the pain

Yet I still wonder, if things change
If I should call you mine
I don't see that happening, it's rather strange
I could want you but won't cross a line

I can hold you for some time
But never for an eternity
Never can I imagine completing the crime
Of stealing you just for me

But I am with you long enough
That it's hard to let you go
For me, it makes this so tough
I love you, but better I should know

I hate myself for trusting you
For I wish I never had
But now I don't know what to do
I think I have it bad.
Sep 2017 · 315
A Night With You
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
It's not obvious to you
Is it, my love?

I spent the night close to you
And while I was scared to show any feelings
I let myself inch ever so closely to you
With my face pressed against yours
Our hands intertwined

Sometimes I woke you up
And you would just pull me closer
While you were sleeping
You would continue to move closer to me
Wanting to feel my touch

We can't deny the tension
We shared a bed together
I was a mere inch from kissing you
But I didn't want to wake you
And be kicked out from the bed

Oh, I am in love with you
And wish you were mine
So with subtle touch
And my own words
My sweetheart you will be.
Sep 2017 · 310
Lost Words
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I want to tell you how I really feel
But I just can't find the word
I experience emotions I never thought were real
Before I met you, they were unheard
I tried to think of it while in your arms
Exactly what I want to say
The problem is, your lovely charms
Keep me from thinking while I stay
All of this time spent writing
You'd think I'd have one guess
But so far in my search, there is no sighting
Of what I should confess

I guess until I think of something, this will do
I think I've fallen in love with you.
Sep 2017 · 189
Mine Now
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
You told me I can't take him
He was yours and yours alone
Then I held him close to me
And now I might take your throne
So far away you can't see
This could be a disaster
As him and I continue
To move a little faster
While you were wishing he was with you
We were cuddling on his bed
I doubt his thoughts were on you the whole time
No matter what he might have said
He held me in his arms the entire time
Even after he fell asleep
Holding me so I won't get away
It's me he wanted to keep
You claim I'm not taking over
Yet almost every night
He calls me wanting to see me again
So he can hold me tight
All that's left to do is kiss
So pay attention to the sign
You're old news, so move along
Your boyfriend is mine.
An inspiration to be evil
Sep 2017 · 338
Night in your Arms
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I spent the night with you
With my head on your chest
Our fingers intertwined
It was the best

My arm stretched across
Your cheek touching my face
Breathing slow and steady
Heartbeat all over the place

I guess we felt so calm
We fell asleep on each other
And when we opened our eyes
We were grateful to see another

And you kept pulling me closer
Oh, how I love the attention
The love we seem to share for each other
With very minimal tension

Wrapped in a warm fleece blanket
Fully clothed yet still cold
You tightly embraced me the best you could
A very protective hold

I could have kissed you if I tried
But that's for another night
As it is, when you woke up
I gave you a little fright

Feeling myself falling for you
More and more by the day
And though this might sound rather strange
I hope you feel the same way.
Sep 2017 · 239
Curiosity
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I already know what it feels like
To be in your arms
To rest my head on your shoulder
As you rest yours so gently on my own

I know how your hands
Are twice the size of mine
How comforting it is to hold them
And how they run across my shoulders

When I rest my head on your chest
I hear your familiar heartbeat and breathing rhythm
While I stretch my arm across your chest
Yours around my waist

I can do these things for hours at a time
They feel so familiar to me
Being close to you is an amazing feeling
What else can I do?

I could kiss you with no consequence
The lady is never the one at fault
Oh what a sensation it would be
One I have not felt in a long time

I could satisfy this curiosity
And it would take less than a minute
But it would be nearly an eternity
Before I would forgive myself.
Sep 2017 · 139
Cuddling
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
I hadn't been in someone's arms
For a little over two years
But then I found someone who did no harms
And drowned out all of my fears

The sensation of touch gave me peace
I never felt the urge to run away
I could feel our emotions release
Some things I can't convey

Though I know my place is for another
My brain told me not to care
I am happier with no other
I'm happy when I'm there

Two lonely hearts formed an unlikely bond
With a trusted person that is fond
Sep 2017 · 119
Neuromantic
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
It's too late
For I have fallen
All because of science

You know exactly how to stimulate me
And I'm trying to keep my brain
From forming too strong of an attachment
But it becomes more futile
Everytime I feel you

Oxytocin
More like a toxin
Formed from prolonged touch

I have hugged you many times
Held your hand
Put my head on your shoulder
Something I trusted no one with for months
And here I am, doing it all the time

Dopamine
Convincing me what is wrong
Is oh so right

Even though I shouldn't be
You keep encouraging me anyway
After each hug you bring me in for another
Encouraging me to keep trusting you
You will never scare me

Serotonin
The happiness that comes from within
But also when I'm with him

Even through all of this
I know I am happiest with you
For you make me feel wonderful
And I find myself waiting
For our next encounter

The reaction balances perfectly
I've bonded with you a lot
And it's only been a few days

But in my dreams, we are hugging
And I can tell you enjoy it
Otherwise you would kick me out
I would rather stay
And wake up wrapped in your arms

I was never supposed to fall for you
Especially not this quickly
The blame is on my brain

You're now the one
Who makes me happiest
I have fallen for you
It's the only explanantion
For my analytical mind

It's too late
For I have fallen
All because of science.
Sep 2017 · 179
Long Hugs
Emma Chatonoir Sep 2017
You've noticed I reach for you more
Probably a dozen times in an evening
Lingering longer each time

I want to do it less
Because I don't want you to think
I'm trying to steal you away

At the same time
I want to do it more
Your touch is so comforting

I wish I could stay in your arms
Without making it seem like my intentions
Are anything they are not

Oh, who am I kidding
I don't think I can stop
For I am already moving closer.
Aug 2017 · 388
Just A Little Longer
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2017
I wish I could stay
Just a little longer
All night and all day
Just a little longer
Wrapped in your arms
Just a little longer
Away from what harms
Just a little longer
My head on your shoulder
Just a little longer
Pull me tight when I get colder
Just a little longer
Keep me here
Just a little longer
Fight this fear
Just a little longer
Please don't go
Just a little longer
I care for you so
Just a little longer
I wish you were mine
Just a little longer
I won't cross a line
Just a little longer
I wish I could stay
Just a little longer
All night and all day
Just a little longer.
Aug 2017 · 143
Two Hugs
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2017
I managed to hug you twice today
After talking for a while
Ten months since I held someone so they'd stay
But you just made me smile

You know important this is for me
How much of you I trust
I could tell that you were happy
Not consumed with feelings of lust

There is regret that eats at me though
Your girlfriend might not be thrilled
Although you insist she isn't that low
I worry a part of her was killed

But I'm proud of me for doing this
And I hope I can hug you again
My fear of touch killed by a fear of loneliness
Thanks to one close friend.
I was able to hug my friend today!  I have a fear of touch and had not been able to hug someone for ten months, so I hope I can continue to overcome this
Aug 2017 · 126
Sensation of Forbidden Love
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2017
I can already feel the sensation now.

Late night at school
The two of us sitting on your floor
The cheap carpet in the dorm
It's uncomfortable to sit but I can't get up

The opportunity arises
Maybe it's a compliment
A proof of trust
Or maybe I finally gave in

And then, I hug you
Knowing full well I shouldn't be
For you promised someone else
Their arms would be your home

I can't get touch out of my mind
So I stay with you anyway
And maybe it's the vulnerabiltiy again
But I don't want to let go

Maybe we share a kiss
I haven't kissed anyone in two years though
So I'm either very shy
Or quite the opposite

I don't remember what it's like
To have other lips touch mine
But I think I'd enjoy the feeling
Despite the guilt consuming me

My weakness is what started this
And it ends when I fall asleep with you
Nothing beyond kisses, just cuddles
My body relaxed as my mind screams

I know they will **** me
The one who has your heart
They'll never want to see me again
And I can't blame them

The sensation started out peaceful
Almost like a dream
A release, emotions flying
The overcoming of a fear

But it's more like
Ten thousand razors slicing me
Getting hit by a train
Being strangled by your own hand

Bon Jovi says true love is suicide
And everyone deserves a second chance
But our bond would forever be shattered
My fear of abandonment would come true

I can already feel the sensation now.
Aug 2017 · 354
Someone Else
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2017
It seems so easy
At least in my mind
To change my world
And destroy someone else's

All it takes is a
"What's on your mind, Em?"
I'd say what I had been thinking
Someone else has the same thoughts

I think I've developed a crush on you
From all of the nights you stayed up with me
Even when I never asked you to
Someone else was asleep

It was natural to imagine
Being able to hold your hand
Or even hug you
Just like someone else has for years

Would not it be
The end of the world
If I kissed you, just briefly?
Someone else would think yes

I would offer you my heart
But you have none
To give me in return
It belongs to someone else

And even if I did
Have you for myself
I don't think I'd be happy
Since someone else wouldn't be.
Aug 2017 · 112
Their Place
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2017
I feel personally responsible
For starting to fall for you
Because I know your heart
Belongs to another

I have seen how well
They watch over it
How much they cherish it
And I can see how I never compare

But I find myself drawn to you
As we are so close
I think about how protective you are
How well you listen

I want to hug you
But all I would think about
Is how the other person was there first
And I'd be insane to take their place.
Jul 2017 · 135
Formula
Emma Chatonoir Jul 2017
On a scale from one to three
My friends are rated for how they're trusted by me
A lower score is better than high
But no one is perfect, I don't know why

First, I decide how safe I feel
And if I view how they act as real
Is there a threat they are heavy users of drugs
Do they respect my fear of hugs?

Am I safe while with them in a car
Or other areas near and far
Do they respect my personal space
Will they put me in an uncomfortable place?

Can they act as my eyes
Be someone who listens, or at least tries
Can I hang out with them alone
Or do I need a death grip on my phone?

When I talk about medical stuff
Will they complain I have said enough
How about when I go on a rant
Can I tell them things I normally can't?

I score each question a three, two, or one
And average the scores when I am done
A lower number means someone is great
A three means it's someone I hate

Your score is one of the best
Closest to one out of all the rest
The numbers check out, so this must be true
I really do care for you.
Jul 2017 · 606
Confession 63
Emma Chatonoir Jul 2017
Confession
I am terrified of human touch
Hugs are not a pleasant sensation for me
And I jolt when someone puts their arm around me
If I'm grabbed from behind unexpectedly
I scream and drop to the floor
Forget about cuddling
Unless
I completely trust the person
I have only done that a couple times
When I can feel safe around them
And know they won't hurt me
Fewer than ten people have this distinction
Not even a lot of family members have it
But when I look at you
I know I can trust you
But now, I have to make the first move
Will you understand when I hug you
That it took me six months to get to that point?
When I grab onto your hand
Will you drop it, thinking I have lost my mind?
Or could you share the same fears of touch as me?
Jul 2017 · 283
From the Foundation
Emma Chatonoir Jul 2017
You've shown me you like me
In so many ways
Without having to tell me

The way you smile
Even when I talk about
The most mundane of things
Watching for obstacles
While we walk
So I don't hurt myself
Trusting me
With all sorts of memories
And your favorite music
Talking to me
Every night
Just to remind me you care

But I still question
If your feelings for me
Go beyond the foundation
We created with our friendship.
Jul 2017 · 154
Repercussions
Emma Chatonoir Jul 2017
It's safe to say
I'm never going to stand
The same way I did
Before I fell

My knees have weakened
Hands more senstive to touch
Eyes have trouble focusing
Heart keeps beating faster

You knocked me off my feet
In the span of a night
I've become a different person
After I fell.
Jun 2017 · 448
Fifty Ways
Emma Chatonoir Jun 2017
One of the first to show me kindness in band,
I knew immediately we would be friends that are grand
You help me balance music, be my eyes, and walk with me too
Some of the ways I first developed feelings for you

Even though I use a cane, you introduced me to your friend
But ignore their teasing, enjoying the time that we spend
You act like a gentleman, trying not to swear
Some of the ways I know that you care

We talk and laugh for hours, sometimes talking in Spanish
And you remind me that you won't vanish
I can't seem to scare you with anything I say
Some of the ways I know you'll stay

You pray for me and celebrate when I'm happy
And help cheer me up when I'm feeling ******
You listen to me talk, and say you always will
Some of the ways I fall for you still

You answer my calls at midnight, messages at 4 a.m
Every message that comes through, you answer all of them
You like when I send dog pictures, and you send them too
Some of the ways I know you are true

I get excited when you text me, especially when you text first
You write me kind things, not some one word burst
Even when in another time zone, we talk every day
Some of the ways you are more than okay

We share similar beliefs, taste in music, and standards as well
You care about others, us talking comes natural
I know in you I can always confide
Some of the ways I know you are by my side

You remind me emotions are valid, never call me a bad name
You accept compliments and help me do the same
You're positive around others, with you I always feel great
Some of the ways that you elate

Our personalities are similar, you know what to speak
You show incredible patience when others would be past their peak
And you seem to understand my brain
Some of the ways you keep me sane

I always trust you, since I showed you vulnerability
Your comfort and presence brings me much tranquility
You make me smile more than anyone I've met
Some of the ways you won't let me forget

Fifty little reasons, but they all add up quick
I know you'd be there through thin and thick
These are all the ways you make me feel I'm on cloud nine
I just have one question- will you be mine?
Apr 2017 · 1.1k
Mary Jane, You, and I
Emma Chatonoir Apr 2017
4.08 23:00

It's been four months since I last saw you
You disappeared without a trace
Never returning my text messages
I accepted that I would probably never see you again
And what a shame that was,
Because we used to hang out and talk a lot
I didn't let the fact you were older than me
Bother me that much
Because you had the same beliefs as me
And I figured you would never ever ever
Do anything to hurt me
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talked about living the gospel life

4.09 13:45

I see you in church again
So I take the seat next to you
I'm so excited to see you again
And tell you all about what happened
I come home feeling taller
Than the five feet two inches I am
Because I feel like I have
One of my closest friends back
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.11 22:30

You ask me to hang out with you
This coming Saturday
You're intentionally vague
Just tell me we'll do something
Just like old times
I become very excited
Because I love spending time with you
You know exactly how to make me
Feel comfortable around you
And I've never had to worry about a thing
Because
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.14 21:00
I have a nightmare you tried to **** me
And get this uneasy feeling
That if I go out with you
Something might happen
I talk about it with some other friend
They insist I shouldn't be scared
After all
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

4.15 20:30
You pick me up outside my apartment
And I get in your car like every other time
You warn me that you have relapsed into your vices
I don't believe it's as bad as it is
Then the smell of marijuana hits me
I try to rationalize with myself
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 21:00
This can't be happening
You keep telling me all about
How every time I have seen you
You were high as a kite
I haven't spoken much
I'm trying to be understanding
After all, I claim to be unconditionally nice
So I can't judge you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 21:45
You're on a smoke break
When I text my friends what is happening
Or at least a vague summary
Is this situation really as bad
As I think it is?
After all, I do trust you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 22:30
You're getting more and more agitated
As I turn silent
I'm starting to get scared
Over the thought of spending time with you
My mom was right
No matter what the reason
Or no matter how kind he is
Don't spend time with someone ten years older
And in this case, that applies to you
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:00
You're now higher than before
And I get the feeling
That if I stay with you
I will die
You start trying to get me
To go get high with you
The smell is so powerful
It wouldn't surprise me if I was already
At least a little high
I feel sick to my stomach
And wonder why or how I got here
Then I remember
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:15
We're screaming now
Because you can't believe
I don't feel safe around you
I finally get the courage
To make my escape
Storming off to the bathroom
And asking a waitress to wait with me
While I call for help
She asks me what kind of person you are
At least normally
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.15 23:30
Help is on the way
I called the guy I like
Who I had been texting all night
And probably scared to death
With my attitude towards the situation
His parents are coming with him too
Worst first impression ever
But I am looking forward to getting out of the bathroom
Because pacing back and forth in a stall
Talking to a waitress who thinks I'm a teenager
Makes me think about what got me here
How I thought
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 00:00
I'm escorted out of the restaurant
By at least six people
And introduce myself to the parents
Of the person I called
Hi, I'm not high, and I'm really sorry about this
I keep apologizing as they drive me home
They insist everything's okay, they are glad I knew
To call for help
And that I didn't get in the car
With someone high
I explain to them
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 00:30
Home at last
I feel bad about everything that went down
Guilt is eating me alive
As I try to process everything that happened
I started the night thinking
I was the most mature person
But felt so small hiding in the bathroom
And wishing I walked away sooner
Why did I think
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?

4.16 15:30
Good morning to me
In the middle of the afternoon
The person who rescued me last night
Wants to make sure I am okay
And apologizes for what happened
I tell him he deserves the apology
After all, I made him come get me
Even though he technically volunteered
I still should have known better
He tells me there's no way
I could have known otherwise
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.16 17:45
You call me
I call you an *******
I slam down the phone
Third time I've ever said a swear word
In my entire life
It pains me to imagine
You're the same person
Who sits with me in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life

4.18 01:55
I can't sleep at all
Anxiety eating me alive
So many questions spinning through my mind
What if I got high?
What if I died?
Can I ever stop blaming myself?
Will the guy who helped me ever talk to me again?
Could the guy who helped me like me?
Should I get over my crush?
What can I do after this?
And most importantly
Why did I believe you
When you told me in the car
You're the same person
Who sits in the front pew with me
And talks about living the gospel life?
Not my proudest moment
Emma Chatonoir Mar 2017
It was a week before high school
We first met
Sitting at a picnic
For marching band
A month later put together
Cause our teacher thought we were cute
We completed group projects
Would text every day
Watched a bunch of movies
And ran down the coast
Never knew that one day
I would run from you
But in a perfect life
Things would be okay
We could talk these feelings through
And you could see the truth
But in the present life
The voices speak louder than me
You tried to end it all
And now I have to hide away
I have to hide away
You called me your heart, you were my eyes
I helped you with emotions
And you described the world
But now your heart is broken
And I don't know where to look
You see me as something
That you can control
Have me walk behind you
While you walk ahead
I guess you can't imagine
Me right next to you
But in a perfect life
Things would be okay
We could talk these feelings through
And you could see the truth
But in the present life
The voices speak louder than me
You tried to end it all
And now I have to hide away
I have to hide away
Everything fell apart when went for blood
Months of separation and you went mad
You tried to take me, you bruised your heart
I can't see with you
But in a perfect life
Things would be okay
We could talk these feelings through
And you could see the truth
But in the present life
The voices speak louder than me
You tried to end it all
And now I have to hide away
I have to hide away
In the future life
Forgiveness may find you
But I'll never come out again
I have to hide away
I have to hide away
Mar 2017 · 490
Seeing the End of a Life
Emma Chatonoir Mar 2017
I don't want to start
To even mourn your loss
For you are still here with me
But I know I'm not your boss
I invested many sleepless nights
Staying up twelve hours straight
To convince you life was worth it
To drown out the self hate
Some days I thought there was progress
Other days a step back
There was a time when I believed
You were back on the right track
Now you've pushed everyone away
Everyone but me
You made sure they're never coming back
With that action, I don't agree
I know the cause of death
And maybe even the day
But when I called a crisis line to tell them
They just turned me away
I guess I have to accept now
That you're getting ready to go
And since I am so far away
I'll just have to wait till you're no-show
I wish I actually knew
How to save a life
And that I could take away
Your weapons, rope, and knife
But here I stand powerless
Remembering what you said
And trying to imagine how I'll react
When they find you dead.
The suicide helplines only help if he is in my possession.  I live three hours away
Feb 2017 · 211
Confession 62
Emma Chatonoir Feb 2017
Confession
I have had a crush on you for about a week
Because I really appreciate
How you listen to me ramble
Laugh at my jokes
Make me laugh as well
You've never been alarmed
Whenever I started acting funny
Or yelled at me for having emotions
Best of all
You've never threatened to hurt me
Or hurt others
Rather treated everyone around you with kindness
You're a rare person
Naturally, I took a liking to you
Because I figured
Anyone who would listen to me talk
Even when I was on the verge of losing my voice
Was someone who liked me too
Maybe I jumped to conclusions
When you almost had to pretend to be my fake boyfriend
I guess I assumed
That you wouldn't mind being my real one
So my exhausted mind
Decided that you did indeed like me
I sent you a message saying I liked you
And I meant to say as a friend
But the reality is
The message could be taken either way
So now I messed up
And have to deal with the situation in person
Something I really didn't want to bring up
But guess what I did anyway
I really don't want you to think
That in order to be in my life
You have to think of me as a crush
I love being your friend
And I hope my stupidity
Doesn't change that
Though if you want to think of me
As more than a friend
I'm okay with that too.
2:21 am
Emma Chatonoir Feb 2017
When I said that I liked you
I meant it as a friend
I'm very grateful to have met you
I hope that doesn't offend
But I also like you as something else
Some might describe it as a crush
But I don't want to put pressure on you
I know that's a little much
I never wanted to admit
That feeling over text
But because I don't phrase things well
I've probably left you perplexed
I really appreciate your kindness
That you listen to me and understand
I will always be happy
That I met you that night at band
So yes, I do have feelings
I said them suddenly, sorry to admit
My heart decided to make a decision
And it is a nimwit
But I'm left with a lingering curiosity
Do you like me too?
Or did I just scare you off
Which I didn't mean to do
I'm scared to hear your answer
I hope you'll say it though
So that way I can figure
If I should stay or if I should go
I'm sorry to put you in this position
I want you to know I care
And regardless of your answer
Our friendship won't go anywhere.
Jan 2017 · 351
Of Course I Kn(o)(e)w Him
Emma Chatonoir Jan 2017
Hey, do you know this person?
Of course I do

I remember when we first met
And how he looked at me with admiration

The many conversations we had
That sometimes lasted all night

The moment I realized I liked him
And how fast my heart was beating

I remember our last hug
Before I lost him for what feels like has been forever

So I suppose a better answer
To the question if I know him
Would be to say

Of course I did.
Jan 2017 · 794
Confession 61
Emma Chatonoir Jan 2017
Confession
I wish we kissed on New Years
Originally
I typed that I kind of wished that
But I removed it
I saw you flirting with me a bit
Asking me to touch my lips against yours
I just turned away
But then I started thinking
Wouldn't it be nice to do something crazy for once?
Like kiss the best friend
Of someone I am very close to?
I liked it when you put your arm
Around me from the side
I'm sorry for lowering my head
As if i was ashamed
I just was hoping you wouldn't see me blush
You left before midnight
Despite me trying to convince you to stay
But you getting home safely
Was more important
Maybe I'll send a few flirty messages
Make you question if I like you
Question if you like me
We'll see what happens
But more than likely
It will be nothing
Because I don't let just anyone
Get close to me
Not gonna lie though,
If you leaned in for a kiss
I wouldn't push away
Though if you leaned in for another
I just might.
Emma Chatonoir Dec 2016
I never understood how one could say
"All I want for Christmas is you"
Mostly because I never imagined
Missing someone like I do
It hasn't been a long time
In fact, I heard from you today
And this distance isn't anything new
You've always been far away
But hearing about how anxious you are
How much you wish you were back
Oh, how I felt the same way
Pretty much since you started to pack
I had a feeling you'd come back to me
Sooner than you planned
And I know what you're thinking now
You think no one will understand
You are so, so, so, so loved
By me, Heavenly Father, and your family
And you coming home sooner
Is not a cause for apology
And if you get a plane ticket home
I hope this wish will come true
If you'll be happier in my arms  again
Then all I want for Christmas is you.
Dec 2016 · 448
Three Years of Hiding
Emma Chatonoir Dec 2016
After three years of hiding
You found me again
Just when I thought I could be brave again
You turn on me
You found me again
When I was starting to mature
You turn on me
And say I never will
When I was starting to mature
You denied my success
And say I never will
Escape your shadow
You denied my success
Said I manipulated my way to get there
Escape your shadow
Something I thought I already did
Said I manipulated my way to get there
I'm nowhere close to the top
Said I manipulated my way to get there
You'll always deny my strengths
I'm nowhere close to the top
But you still threaten me
You'll always deny my strengths
It's your way of scaring me
But you still threaten me
Just when I thought I could be brave again
It's your way of scaring me
After three years of hiding.
I wonder what's it's like to have it all, and never be afraid that I would fall
Nov 2016 · 246
The Best Type of Love
Emma Chatonoir Nov 2016
He loves me not for what I have
But who I am.
Oct 2016 · 380
Aging Souls
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2016
It's the world where you stop aging
Until you find your soulmate
And then you grow old together

I'm jealous that you found him so quickly
At the age of nineteen, you have it all figured out
And you're already off doing things like
Getting jobs, looking at apartments
Planning your wedding, holding hands
Falling more and more for each other every day

I'm not afraid to say I am immature
But for the most part, I am closely guarded
No one here has ever been able to break me down
Like your lover had with you

Maybe I'll be like this for a while
Maybe it will change soon
But I love the way your souls grow old together
Even if mine does not.
Oct 2016 · 385
Things I Wish You Believed
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2016
When you look in the mirror
I know you see scars and defeat
A face no one could love
I think you look nice

You're too awkward, you tell me
Freezing up when talking to women
You can't find the words
But yet when I am scared, you comfort me

People tell you you're perfect
You probably have women all over you
But you don't see them coming
You don't need women, just a woman

You want to be brave
But you also want to hide
You'll never have to hide
When you're around me

That's the good thing
About having blind eyes
I can't see your imperfections
I can just show you I care.
Aug 2016 · 214
Answer to Bishop's Prayer
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2016
If it's meant to be, let it come alive
If it isn't, **** it with fire*

After you wrote me a letter
Dictating all my flaws
Refused to speak to me
For three months
Told everyone
That I creeped you out
And called me
Creepy nice

It's safe to say
The answer to that prayer
Was to **** our friendship
With fire.
Aug 2016 · 231
Devotion
Emma Chatonoir Aug 2016
It's driving slowly down the road
So you can keep up with her walking
And shouting out the window
How you wish you could see her

And then when you realize
You forgot to say you loved her
The car turns around to catch up with her
So you can tell her you love her too.
Jul 2016 · 1.2k
My Brother's Letters
Emma Chatonoir Jul 2016
He wrote her letters every day
Because she couldn't talk or text
I'm not entirely sure what he writes
She writes him back too
Because she couldn't talk or text
After her parents cut her off
She writes him back too
Words he'll never tell
After her parents cut her off
He acts as her protector
Words he'll never tell
To anyone but her
He acts as her protector
Driving to see her at 3 am
To anyone but her
They think he's lost his mind
Driving to see her at 3 am
After her stepdad threatened to **** her
They think he's lost his mind
She fears for her safety
After her stepdad threatened to **** her
The letter writer got a new note
She fears for her safety
Can she stay with him?
The letter writer got a new note
She'll be safe with him
Can she stay with him?
Only if she hides
She'll be safe with him
He meant every word he wrote
Only if she hides
Can he keep her
He meant every word he wrote
Even when she left for a month
Can he keep her
Safe from harm
Even when she left for a month
He wrote letters every day
Safe from harm
Hiding them in a box near her house
He wrote letters every day
And drove down to her neighborhood
Hiding them in a box near her house
For her to read
And drove down to the neighborhood
Hoping for a response one day
For her to read
His words to her
Hoping for a response one day
He finally got one
His words to her
She means so much
He finally got one
So he wrote another letter
She means so much
He will always be here
So he wrote another letter
And he put it in the box
He will always be here
It's the sweetest thing imaginable
And he put it in the box
I'm not entirely sure what he writes
It's the sweetest thing imaginable
He wrote her letters every day.
My brother and his girlfriend
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