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Emma Chatonoir Oct 2018
I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom in the wake of what happened
I still remember how he cried saying this was a mistake, how he didn’t know how this happened
The brokenness in his voice and shaking is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in the bathroom when someone asked me what was going on
I still remember explaining the assault, how I couldn’t process what happened
The crying on the other end of the phone is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting at a desk while an investigator looked at me
I still remember trying to protect his identity, but knowing I had to come forward
The confusion surrounding why I was acting this way is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in a damp shower when I wrote a letter to the person who asked what was going on
I still remember telling them to love him as they had before
The feeling that everything I wrote was not for my benefit, but for theirs, is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in his room again like nothing had ever happened
I still remember feeling like something bad really had happened, and denial isn’t healthy
The last hug we shared before it all blew up is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting with a staff member who noticed I felt uneasy
I still remember feeling like I was overreacting, but others around me felt as if I was hiding something
The moment they figured out what really happened is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting at my desk when I thought he was gonna **** himself
I still remember how I asked if he was okay, and I got a one word answer
The realization I should never speak to him again is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting on the floor of a new bedroom that had no bad memories
I still remember the flashbacks that came in waves over what had happened
The feeling of his touch is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in class, in church, in companionship, and in complete isolation when the flashbacks returned
I still remember feeling powerless as everything looked blurry
The people who helped to pull me out is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting with friends when they asked why there wasn’t a formal investigation
I still remember saying that he needed to be protected and to live a great life
The look on their faces is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in a hotel room when I remembered he has the same anxiety
I still remember how I tried to move on and said that this wasn’t just my problem
The realization I can’t hurt him more than he has is something I will never forget
Keep him in your thoughts
I was sitting in bed this morning when I reminded myself why I never made things harder than they needed to be
I still remember how he cried saying this was a mistake, how he didn’t know how this happened
The brokenness in his voice and shaking is something I will never forget
*Keep him in your thoughts
Emma Chatonoir May 2018
I’m not sure if you understand poetry
Or if you even remember my name
After all, we met two months ago
You might have thought I was lame

But I felt happy after talking to you
I hoped you might be my friend
Maybe we would hang out again
Or a message to me you would send

I never heard anything
Though I saw you across the room
And even though I was there for an hour
You didn’t see me that afternoon

For some reason I’m taking a shot
I found your email so we could talk
Nervousness came across before I hit send
Was this like a stalk?

I guess the worst you can do is not reply
Though I still wrote anyway
I wonder what will come from this
Or if I’ll remember today.
Emma Chatonoir Feb 2018
Everything I seem to write
Eventually comes true
I wrote so much about destruction
That it finally happened to you
Writing about my selfish wish
How I wish you could be mine
Talking about stealing you away
And how that would be just fine
Now I could let myself have you
Your girlfriend never wants you back
Your fingerprints on someone else
The remnants of the attack
But none of this came for free
I had to pay a price
You assaulted me while I was sleeping
I reported it before I could think twice
But isn't this what I wished for?
For you to be all alone?
So I could swoop in and pick up the pieces
Though your actions I don't condone?
I can't believe I still care about you
You're a cheater and molester
But I can't get you out of my mind
Thoughts of you continue to pester
Everything I never really wanted
Now unfolding before my eyes
And while part of me wishes I could take advantage
Bruises speak louder than your lies.
Emma Chatonoir Feb 2018
F17
I started off this semester thinking it was going to be the best I ever had. I had been talking to this guy hours on end every day and considered him a close friend. I also had a crush that treated me kindly, amazing friends who thought highly of me, and I was confident in all of my classes. Almost all of that changed in sixteen weeks.

Let’s start with the first guy. I befriended him and we talked all the time because it felt so natural. I let my boundaries come down and found myself wanting to get close to him- even though he had a girlfriend. What started out as a two second side hug eventually became cuddling for hours, my head on his chest, watching cartoons. We always did our homework but made time for each other, and even though my arm was only around his shoulder and his girlfriend said she was fine with what was going on, deep down it wasn’t okay, I was tempting him. But that doesn’t excuse the fact he sexually assaulted me when I fell asleep (fully clothed, mind you) in his bed after a long day, and I woke up to his hands underneath my clothes and underwear. At first I tried to brush it off as an isolated incident and he could still be my friend, but then I recognized this was premeditated assault and he could hurt me again or **** me. It was painful to block him, let me tell you. I went from being completely fine and even dependent on his hugs to getting no hugs at all.

I had trouble bonding with my suitemates who often would drink and party. I have to respect their fearless attitude and willingness to experience college head-on, but I always follow the rules so I found myself withdrawing from them. When I had to move to emergency housing because I couldn’t forget how I ran back to my apartment after being assaulted, I never even said goodbye or told them where I was going. I ignore their texts to this day.

I’m still close friends with my first crush from the semester, probably closer than ever. I just realized that I talked about my crush with the guy who assaulted me, and that association happened in my mind. I adore my friend so much, but I can’t think of the half formed feelings I had for him without thinking of the guy who hurt me.

My friends aged overnight as I told them about my assault. So many of them stepped in to protect me and help escape the nightmares. I think it took a toll on them though- they never knew when I would need their help, but always gave it to me. I became dependent on the company of others. I needed to eat with someone and would skip meals or not eat all day sometimes because I needed someone with me.

I sort of lost interest in my classes, constantly tired and acting like a zombie through lectures. My math professor was frustrated with me and how I would always need extensions or straight up not do assignments. My database professor would see me lying down in class. My band director noticed I would latch on to two people, unwilling to accept outside help. I probably went to accounting five times this semester. My science teacher liked me though, and my programming professor showed me an incredible amount of kindness, walking me back to my apartment and listening to me talk. I could tell he really cared for me, though I always wondered if it was because he is a nice person or because I am a girl.

I ended up joining a policy club to try and write positive change for people in my community. I had trouble making friends because everyone seemed so much cooler than me, like I was lacking something. I talked to people but no real lasting friendships have come out of it so far. Except, maybe one.

I developed a crush on this guy at my church who also is in the policy club, though in a different area. He always puts others before himself, does what he is asked, plays piano, and we hold a lot of the same beliefs. I could see my future perfectly aligning with his. He said he had no romantic interest in me back in October, but things can change fast. I keep telling myself that.

Living in emergency housing has been an experience. I liked being off the grid and being able to process my emotions in peace, though I feel like I have slept a lot more. Not sure if that is good or bad, but I am not ready to face other people yet. Especially not my old suitemates.

Someone broke into my apartment in December and stared at me while I slept. This sent me over the edge and I was constantly anxious. This caused my immune system to basically collapse, and now I have a viral throat infection and have to take my finals when I come back in January. That’s good because it gives me time to recover and allow me to take finals while not extremely sick. It’s not good because this semester will never end.

I have had an adventure this semester, and maybe by writing out the bad and putting it out there, I can focus on the good. May S18 not be as bad as this has been.
Emma Chatonoir Dec 2017
I listen to the notes
The legends and the greats
The soprano tone that floats
The bass that sinks like weights
The tenors sing through throats
The altos quiet traits
But I find myself in dire straits

She said “let me hear your voice
How it sounds when it’s with mine
I’m not looking for perfection
To read music line by line
Someone with perfect pitch
Or perfect harmony
Just someone that can listen
Complement my melody
I want you to sing with me.”

I listen to the notes
The legends and the greats
I try and she devotes
Create music no one hates
We sound perfect she gloats
I believe her in these states
Because she completes my forgotten duet

She said “let me hear your voice
How it sounds when it’s with mine
I’m not looking for perfection
To read music line by line
Someone with perfect pitch
Or perfect harmony
Just someone that can listen
Complement my melody
I want you to sing with me.”
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2017
Fall in love with my eyes.

I must warn you though
They will never see you
How you see yourself
If they ever see you at all

I understand that people can't see my eyes
Without seeing my tinted glasses
The blindness cane in my hand
The inability to focus on any one thing

But I imagine the next person
Who will fall in love with me
They will look into my eyes
And forget I can't look back

If you can get past the fact
My eyesight will never get better
And that it will get worse
You will find it easy to love me

I don't know if I've met you yet
Or if you will change for me

I really hope you do

Fall in love with my eyes.
Emma Chatonoir Oct 2017
Every time I look at the stars in the sky
I imagine how they would connect
Each star has a match for many reasons why
I watch them intersect
A beautiful constellation formed the other day
I was so excited to see it form
It looked like no other, I had no idea what to say
With each other, they seemed to transform
I wanted everyone else to see
How these stars perfectly aligned
No one else saw the pattern like me
The constellation only existed in my mind
I saw us in the stars and before my eyes
All of the other stars hid in the skies.
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