past exteriors and your fingerprints that cover them

you sneak out from my skin
my spine
why try to cover up
what is going to soon pour out
you've got my strings ******* in knots

no memory stays fresh forever
saturation floods away
and pixels replace your pores
but they form roots in my spine
and justification for my irrational fears
become harder to reach

i can't fight you off
and you can't forget your roots

You want to pluck me like a flower but you don't know that I'm a ****

short lived passion with boys
that cut their lips on their own words
cracking mouths and cracking voices
cracking knuckles and cracking backs

you told me it's like
i have sparks in my head
i told you i liked
the way i felt in your bed
but choices are choices
and they're mine alone
it's not about feeling small comforts
it's about feeling at home

i was told confessing thoughts
even if they aren't necessarily secrets
can be healing.
well i had really terrifying dreams as a child.
i wish i spoke up back then.
i wish i told someone how much they actually scared me.
because it's years later
and i'm not a little girl anymore.
the things that are terrifying me
exist in my reality
or in my irrationality...
and i'm rubbing my eyes at 4:00am
with the illusion
that reality is up in the clouds
with the rest of the memories from my childhood
that taught me what fear was.
not really real
not really there
in my imagination.
or at least i could pretend.
what was reality in my childhood that scared me
i never told a soul.
my secret keeping skills were gold.
and while the plot thickens
and my skin stretches into it's 23rd year
my dreams slip through my fingers.
and my soles are soaked.

learning to hold the hand
of all my darkness
i am not afraid to feel pain
i am not afraid to lose light.
after all,
the sun always rises
with every mourning