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mike Jul 2019
it was waves crashing
misting skin
leaving glistening optimism
on a hot day

one hundred and twenty
hours of relief
disconnection in favor
of healing connection

our star gently reaching its hand
in between trees stretching
begging to touch the sky

it was waves crashing
white noise over silence

I heard peace in it.
relief
mike Aug 2019
I am here for every payback
every violent ending
to a happy day
every communication
over iced coffee and BLTs
smiles stuffed with bad memories
a bad aftertaste

I am here
for as long as it takes
for you to feel safe
for you to feel vindicated
for you to feel accepted
loved, cherished, and believed
I am here for all of the difficult fights
because waking up in the morning
to your smile
leaves me feeling in love
like I have never felt
and you deserve my best
mike Apr 2021
I’ve heard this thought before
after, and again
a cyan moment of recognition
as if to say, this was the destination all along
the sunset dreading to sleeve the cable
the day is ending
and I want to smile because it happened
before it hurts you
mike Apr 2022
snowflakes dotted the rooftop
with a concrete backdrop
in summer weather

i made my corner,
overlooking bubbles of joy
drunken memories being recorded
a live concert of experience

each visitor gave their introduction
told me what year they were from
without telling me outright

born 1998, from the year 2013
born 1995, from 2008

their core memories on display
when their eyes light up
to illuminate their year
when i ask about their favorite thing

everyone is a collection of moments frozen in time
opening it's eyes for the first time
and looking into the future happening in front of them
mike Sep 2022
You stopped touching my bones when you couldn’t see them anymore.
I healed my eating but you found a thinner, older replacement.
We don’t touch anymore, but you chalk that up to the place we live.
We moved away, and I didn’t see any changes.

So what’s next?
What is left to keep you away?
I fixed my temperament, I moved, I stayed through the hatred.

So what’s left?
What is still keeping you attached to me?
What do I have left to give when we’re not on vacation?

What’s next?
What’s left?
I can’t see it, so please tell me if my information is dated.
mike Oct 21
I pick up
he screams, I don’t know what
he threatens, he spins thread
I plead. I say sorry, I don’t know why

“have you taken your medication?”
wrong question, wrong time

I receive a list of tasks to perform before sundown
1. remove these friends
2. admit to these things
3. give up my dreams
3. …give up me

swallowed by the waves, never to be seen
smiling when he chose me
mike Dec 2020
i believed in the feeling of moisture on my skin
as if it were the air telling me
"the heat is over. you are safe, now."

the yawn in the back of my throat
curious to see what captivated me
despite the secondhand smoke
the smell of matches
unwashed hair

the highway is only ever two lanes
but the stillness of the world
before stepping foot into a sanctuary
gave me something.

maybe not a purpose
or even something to enjoy
but it was something, where i had nothing.

the dew upon the fall
the end of a season of learning
the start of a season of fighting

well, i guess it kept me going.
mike Jul 2019
a diet copy
the vague idea is there
but an ingredient is missing
stories of mistreatment
tokenized charm
a bad face

I am no man
but he emulates
surface
superficial
mike Jul 2019
the hollowest point
went through my hand into you
and took you away
mike Aug 2019
if you believe
with everything
no one is sincere
the world is your mirror
mike Jun 2019
half-drim drunk lights
in a half-remembered drunk night
there is always a purpose that i am forgetting
a reason why i need to keep my cup empty
i want to know every moment i spend with you
instead of missing out on myself
a poem part of a collection of poems i'm only just now making public
mike 14h
glimmer of a thin thread
mind to mind
nothing else
guilt for feeling close
seeing something out of need
to unsee everything else
her
mike Jun 2019
her
all of my nightmares are becoming half-realities
and i am the only person chasing them
i'm waiting on too many half-answers
on things i can only half-see
i feel only half-me
a collection of poems i am only just now making public
hey
mike Mar 2021
hey
we both had much to do
many people to say hello to
I arrived, and you had been there
neither of us knowing

it hadn’t occurred to either of us.
your friend knew my friend knows us
some combination led to both of us freezing
the church bell of our brains ringing out
“you?”

you.

a ravine’s worth

no place to echo but in your own head
suddenly,
the entire room heard it.
“you?”
unspoken, deafening.

“you?”
of all people.
of all the second floor humid apartments.

“you?”
and him. and them.

better fits.
but you? here?

a word began to open our mouths
clumsy, hesitant, but doting
a word full of everything.
every wet night,
starlit dream
every fist bruise
every pang — guilt, pain, loneliness
a word so full of meaning
that absolutely nobody but us would understand why
understand how so few letters could carry so much weight
spelling out:
forgiveness
embarrassment
regret
assurance
and a final goodbye.

a goodbye spelled
“hey”
mike Jul 2019
without us
the air is missing
your scent now
mike Jul 2022
a stain is not an active incident
it is what we left behind
after we clean the mess

honey used to drip from your skin onto mine
a sweet thread connecting even sweeter moments
a natural connection

our warm skin run cold
a porcelain shell
moment after moment
the chaos in your brain
spilling honey

the mess is clean
now this shell is stained
i wait patiently
for us to connect

17 days, 28 days, 30 days
the gaps widen
the wall is built higher and higher
and the final sticky strand
connecting me to you
is stretched so thin

twenty moments of desire in four hundred days

I can’t see us anymore
mike Dec 2020
“your hands are cold...”

what else to say in the face of a lifetime?
hearts being tugged against all better judgement
judgement revoked against all odds

I have never felt the burning revelation
of suddenly knowing, without pause
that this is perfectly and candidly correct
meant, even

I have only felt bursts of confidence,
yearning, uneasy progress
I have felt the veins rip away
from the source of the pain
I have felt my image shrink and unravel
realizing my frame, my spectre, my form
is most undesired

I long to be faced with the boldest proclamation
Earnest honesty
So unmasked it cannot be faced
So striking that all I can say in response is:

“your hands are cold...”
mike Dec 2020
it’s not that I am taken aback
nor am I anguished

I had done my mourning
the funeral was quiet,
myself and the proctor alone on the loose dirt, water, and grass

I sat on the biting, soggy ground
the mud and my feet creating suction
I thought it might agree to take me, too

and I swore
that I would never let another
be taken by that heavy, wanting earth

in your Golden happy after
it is clear to me: that death was justice.
almost as if the hands of fate slapped my own
scolding me for squandering what they
had worked so hard to bestow

a home, a family.
the names you had to avoid
with the minty aftertaste of liquor
weaving through the strands of air
that carried them

I will take my share to my grave,
when the time comes.

you may not believe that much is owed.

I do.
mike Jul 2019
i don’t need it
I’m guessing at wanting
the fingers tracing theirs
eye contact
plans
that will unmake mine
I have finally seen
eyes that look at me
and see me for me

I don’t need it
saying “no” to new
declining politely
invitations to come inside
sly words through wry smiles

I don’t need it
you give me the up and down
a look I’ve seen more lately

I don’t need it
he wanted more

I don’t need it
they ask for my body
but it is mine
and I will choose

I don’t need it.
mike Nov 2021
it was a white room
featureless but for a door
through which you wandered

you were tiny, with wispy dark hair
reaching almost to your feet
blowing past your ears in a mane as you walked

I first noticed your night gown
almost laughable in its lack of modernity

I looked into your eyes with green and yellow flecks
the curiosity on your face as you read mine.

I never met this version of you.

before whatever happened to make you lose sense past self
whoever hurt you
whatever they did

my mother, the child
before it all
mike Aug 2019
your lips taste like copper
the red all over my shirt
you did not ask to taste metal
and I’m too young to feel this
pull it open wider than
the sick smile
curling your ****** lips
to get a view of
how bad the damage really is
your favorite knife, your favorite skin
I taste like iron and copper
mike Jul 2022
the sun is in your eyes
the moon in mine
i have dreams in mind
but you have plans

i feel more like your celestial counterpart
the moon to your sun
always revolving, constant with each other
always in sight
but never close
never together

the sun is in your eyes
the moon in mine
i'm feeling left behind
so soon, it comes
mike Nov 7
hey

hi

can you hear me?

I think your video is off but yes

okay

task one

item three

did that just happen?

earnings call tonight

I voted during lunch, too

task five

item eleven

what happens now?

I’ll share my screen, can you read it okay?

glad we’re almost done with the project

what happens next?
how do I deliver value when this is reality
mike Sep 2019
I felt more comfortable, seeing it.
It’s like I got reassurance
“You are doing this the way you need to.”

I saw what a good apology looks like.
I saw traces of myself in it.

I know that I am not there yet.
I know it is easy for me to get there.

“Sorry” is not important
It was real, and it happened
I did it not by accident, not out of ignorance
Out of negligence

You don't deserve that.
I deserve to be better
mike Mar 27
i've been telling a few of my friends lately
how our bodies will never meet
and how the first time we talked, you showed so much to me

i know your least favorite meal
i know the traits you detest
but i don't really know anything

you showed me so much
to distract me from what you wanted to hide

i know you feel safer inside
mike Jun 2019
looking through the box you left behind
(y)our memories
bits that made you up
anarchy, literature
five bracelets, mouse ears
i see my face here.

the Christmas gift I wrote you
when I had no money left
but you knew I spent it all
our first holiday

a picture of us in paradise
facing your namesake
two sith and I
looking at you with innocence
honest, earnest love

left behind with your handwriting
"Office and Important Things to Keep"
mike Aug 2021
finally going through all of my things
parts of me hiding from myself

all the clothes I secretly got for when I felt better
a reward I never gave myself

there is so much that is hiding here.

bags of clothes
hobby items
entire lives, buried underneath my attention

this place has taken so much from me.
time to pack it all up and take it back
mike Aug 2022
i spent so long being told i had only poison in my heart
that i did not let you see the love i had for you

i had been convinced my love was a black ichor
corrupting and unclean

what you saw was me shut away and leave
when all i wanted to do was run to you and feel safe again
mike Jul 2019
sometime I walk by spaces
and the air reminds me how you smell
always in the in-between

I can hear you when it whistles
I drink those moments in,
and I am alive again.

the people who lived here are dead.

sometimes the night nudges me awake
and the air makes its way into my ear
all the while, whispering:
“You really changed everything, didn’t you?”
mike Jun 2019
my eyes adjusted to the dark last night
of the light that fades in, flickering
in the bathroom where i have spent my worst times
i saw disappointment in the mirror again
maybe someday i will learn moderation
and stop desperately trying to reach
the bottoms of cups and plates
maybe i will stop wanting to forget
someday,
maybe i will stop having to trace outlines
in the mirror of what i want to see
changing the shape of my jaw
parting my hair differently
part of a collection of poems that i am only just now making public

i have been sober for two years and four months
mike Jul 2019
the mind rot was cured but
I felt it spread
wildfire, new grass growing
healing
while being poisoned
everything is clean
underneath the grime
mike Jul 2019
I sat at the table we sat at two years ago
I had the same terrible airport omelette
with the same soapy airport coffee
it feels like I should be sharing this with you
as if I simply forgot to book your flight

it was the first time someone called us correctly
we sat in the right seats,
on a morning brighter than this

it’s all gray
missing luggage on a cross country flight
I sat in the right seat
and felt warm pretending
mike Feb 2022
i want to be the artist
to be heard, understood
to help heal

but i am the accessory instead

the tool to self-harm
the body to witness yours
the rib to your cage

i have no childhood photos
but that doesn’t make you sad
it is easier to erase someone without a past

i am but a part of you, but you make up all of me.

i am stuck in the in-between.
mike Aug 2019
it feels like there is a void in my chest
it isn’t like when i am missing something
it is as if nothing was ever there to begin with
but how can you miss something you never had?
someone born without sight missing the colors
of their favorite painting

i woke up this morning wishing there were an easy way out
i ran out of gas
on the side of a highway
with nothing but desert on all sides
i used to feel thirsty in this heat

if the opposite of love is apathy
i have been thinking a lot on how
life and i fell out of love
i have literally no reason for this depression and it's destroying me today
mike Aug 2019
I was transfixed, I’ll admit
but you breathed life into my chest
inflated my chest, made me smile
just by listening, and saying
“I understand”

that was all I needed

fishing never got a catch
working got me relief
thankful and unafraid
mike Oct 9
he doesn’t take his shirt off anymore
he never really liked to, but now he never does
“I’m sagging. I have wrinkles,” he says through beautiful crows feet and a sad grimace wrapped by dimples lengthened through smiling as hard as he lived
once, he was young
messy, poor-intentioned, headstrong, mean
when his smile lines started staying
it was new

are you ashamed you became an antidote?
or that you were once poison?
mike Aug 2021
throwing my farewell party today
leaving everything I know and love behind

trinkets in the basement
mike Dec 2019
it is true, what they say, you know
you are disgusting
cellulite rippling under sun scarred scales
gluttony clear as day
in your silhouette
so unkind and unclean
that hundreds will take precedence
you drive away the clean
from everything you know

unlovable, unloving
you do not deserve the sun
you do not deserve the light
you do not deserve love

you do not deserve
what the world knows
you are not worthy of

sincerely, yourself
mike Jun 2019
i like making patterns in the words that i write
when i am planning on sending them your way
i suppose i hope you find comfort in the symmetry
that the pictures i paint are calming
and the sea of ideas i let flood in
are warm waves of "yes, i am sure"
and "it has always been okay."
i want to be a sun-kissed plot of sand
on a day where the air feels cool but doesn't move
a warm fire on a cool night

i want to be the feeling i get when i am drunk
and surrounded by everyone i love
staring at blurry stars in the sky
a collection of poems i am only just now making public
mike Aug 2019
it was raining
and I wanted the window open
I missed you with every drop

I was a dripping faucet to the rain
you would be asleep by now

peace never made me tired
watching your rain sleep
the smile creeping into your face
happy that the soundtrack
is real

the air buzzed when I heard it start
it felt like a warm embrace
on cold skin
my warm arms
that you let in
mike Jan 2020
everything you taught me to hide
melting off of the shoulders
of everyone new

I would go back and choose life
instead of hiding
placating
given the chance
mike Jun 2019
in a small, 15 minute window
where i tried to craft every word in your image

i reminded you that in front of fireworks,
in front of world wonders,
skyscrapers and the stars--
i find myself looking at you instead
a collection of poems i am only just now making public
mike Jul 2019
i am not a pantry
from which they all select
what they want
when they please

i am the source
i am riverbeds and farmland
i am the richest soil
i am the land to ask
not the land to take

i am a plot being bid for
eyes, auctions, and need
i give only to those who
make a home, lay their stake
promise to treat

i am not a pantry
i am not a lease
i am not an option
i am not one of many
i am not a tycoon’s investment

i am the richest soil
and when i am of only one
i give
mike May 2022
i always saw your name
on street signs and in books
a reminder of a friendly face

it’s gone from a sign of who you are
to an echo of who you were

it’s not your name anymore
it’s my memory

— The End —