I tried to write poetry about pushing her until she couldn’t breathe
about the way her soft lips opened against me and how
she bit my neck even when I begged her to stop
I tried to find the words for all of those things but
I realized that she had written the poetry for me
she wrote it on my neck in shades of purple
and on my back in little streaks
she wrote poetry with the wrinkles in my sheets and
the knots in my hair and the
taste of her in my mouth.
Sometimes poetry isn’t always on paper
Sometimes it’s on people.

Angel.
She was just that
shaggy golden locks
to provide warmth when we cuddled.
She was old and kind
and couldn't love me more.
I slept with her, cuddled and happy
behind the couch
while my sister played violin
and my brother piano to accompany.
I told you stories and went on adventures
and loved you dearly,
but soon you couldn't step into the tub for a wash.
behind the couch was all you were,
It wasn't your fault
it was ours
it was his,
for beating you like he beat us
and when you tripped and fell on the stairs
he wouldn't let you go to the vet
he wouldn't let us fix you..
believe me
if we had the money we would have.
But soon too soon
you were old and broken
and-
I was too little to remember your death.


His name was Shadow,
but he was quite the opposite.
His fur captured all the sun's rays
and kept them to brighten my day.
It was the first time
they let me choose the family pet
and of all the happy golden puppies
that jumped and barked up against us
I had only eyes for the pup
who sat shivering in the corner.
I took that pup home and I loved him.
He was my best friend
and we played for hours and hours
but maybe I shouldn't have picked the pup
that wasn't like all the others.
All the dog training classes in the world
couldn't fix him
they told us that,
it broke my heart, to see him snap.
I was the only one he let near him,
I did my best to play with him
to run around the yard with him,
but as we did
my legs shook
knowing I might have to run for my life.
He left me with bites
and bruises
and always ripped my legs apart
but I loved him anyhow.
I tried and tried
but soon he was too violent
and even I couldn't run about the yard with him.
I just saw a golden slobbery mess
fighting himself
and growling at the glass door.
They took him away, and
I wasn't allowed to be there
when they put him down.

Daisy.
She ran circles around us
again and again
doing what she was bred to do
heard us like cattle
but the small puppy quickly learned
she didn't have to heard us.
She once fit in the palm of my hand
and soon she was too heavy to lift.
Energetic and wild
she shook with excitement at every sound
she loved us with all her heart
and protected us
but he was mean to her too
and smacked her
and hurt her
and made her cower in fear,
she always loved us though
and when it came to separate
I took her with me,
and he couldn't hit her anymore.
we loved and laughed and played
and she howled with triumph
whenever we cheered.
We had to remember though,
she was his dog too.
We didn't have time to take her on long happy walks
so we didn't mind lending her out
and she loved those hikes
she came back exhausted and happy
and
it was a shock to my system
I remember I didn't cry
when they came back without her one time,
he had jumped in the river after her
and my brother went farther down to catch her when she came up.
but darling Daisy didn't come up
no she was never found
the rapids took her rapidly and
I wasn't there
when she drowned.


Arden.
I found him
in the rain
barely moving
laying in the middle of a road
I got him to the side
and I laid soaking wet comforting the whimpering wild thing.
Matted, messy, muddy
a giant wolf
prestigious and valiant.
I took him home and wrapped him in a blanket
and loved him more than anything ever.
I was in highschool and he was big enough to ride
I'd never seen a wolf so big.
I found out he was abused
and kept in a white trash "home"
and he was so sick the darling couldn't howl.
We watched TV and ate chicken soup together,
until he was well enough to eat solids.
He slept in my room in my bed
and we laid out under the stars
for he had become my best friend
the minute I laid eyes on him.
When his voice healed
he howled to the moon all night,
and wolves in the distance replied.
Living near a forrest I couldn't wait for him to heal
to be able to run
and go up and down the stairs
so we could always be-
but
I'm not with him.
So I don't know if he's alive or dead.
many things happened
and his abusive owner called the police
they wouldn't give it back
but by law
we couldn't keep him.
My valiant wolf
who howled all day
until I came home
was taken far away.
I was there when we gave him up,
happy ***** stunning creature
until a stranger took him on a leash and led him to a room of scary cages
and he thrashed and howled and ran towards me
and you could hear his melodic howls after the door was closed
I left to cry in the car
because death didn't take my friend
he didn't have to go
but we went anyways.
I pray he's alive.
but if he has passed
I know he's in heaven.
I'm agnostic
but I still know he would be in heaven.
Because dogs deserve that.
all dogs.

Let me post a selfie
how's my hair
makeup
angle
filter
how do I look
did I get likes yet?
Let me post a status
one about how much I love my besties
another on how I learned a new lesson
now here's a photo of my breakfast
I have to comment
like
poke
post new updates
every day
becuase that's just what you do nowadays,
that's just how it goes
because we're all so afraid
if we don't keep posting
if we don't get those likes
and invites
and pokes
and fill up our messages
and notifications,
that we're going to be forgotten.
That if we don't solidify our presence
on social media
then we don't have a presence at all.
We spend so much time
trying to make other people
think we exist,
that we never end up existing at all,
not really.
We don't need all these people
and confirmations
to tell us we exist.
we already do.
If only it weren't so easy to forget that.

I have wasted my life
worrying
and cowering
and sleeping
and crying
feeling so scared and alone
acting so ******* fragile
but now
I have a real reason to be afraid
a fear that looms
and cackles
and quakes me with fear--


I have no doubt
that I have wasted my years,
I've had ample time to grow
but remain stunted
a child still shivering in her own bruises and blood
wondering why her family doesn't love her
why no one loves her
I haven't moved on
I haven't changed
I've never lived
more than once--
the best years of my life
the best people
are behind me
ahead is work and bills and disappointment
I ****** up
I ****** up bad
I haven't made a dent in this world
no not even a scratch
I've done nothing
been nobody
and It makes me so scared
and so sad
that I'm not sure what to do
how do I move on
how do I progress
how do I start living my life
                                         a life
                                    any life
I'm desperate to know
how to fix my wrongs
I'm desperate to believe
there's a way I can come back
from this mistake.

I step out of myself,
lean my weight against the car
let my head roll back,
until the houses and streetlights
are just light pollution
dimming the stars as they come out

I'm too dizzy to stand
but I feel so solid, when it's just me and the wind
I sink back into the blackness between stars
and find comfort
in air running through the trees
reminding me
of all the times
I've started over

Lover mine,
   give no worry our parting.
In few moons
        with the Earth's spinning
   steady will I hold you again.

Lover mine,
     I see your trick to the eyes
   side line look, a surprise to
catch me in the act          laughing.

That flash, your face
******* in a gasp,
   Lover mine.

Two smiles makes a circle of us.
Me chasing you chasing,
catching we & clasp to the breathing.

                        Quickened,  heaving   Sea
                             oh we...

     This I will not miss,
for I will see it in the warm
sleeping, feel in the waiting
     visions of memory,
       keeping company
               in secret.

I will be
      ever on the other side of
       your thinking,
              your wakeful burning urges,
           pressed against them
                 until next time,
                             Lover mine.

time is
smiling
at the thought of you
and my eyes only sting
for a moment

and even if I miss you
I've stopped reminiscing
about
hot summer kisses in the dust
while those feelings
plagued me
with too big and too much
I'm sorry you had me
when I wasn't much

time is
your name
still catches in my throat
but now I know
it was never because
I wasn't enough