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Dec 2017 · 73
no regrets
EmerellaLove Dec 2017
I don't regret my decision.
I'm in pain.
Dec 2017 · 228
a year ago today
EmerellaLove Dec 2017
I had my abortion exactly a year ago today
I don't have anyone to talk to.
I feel lost
I feel like I shouldn't be mourning
It feels like such a small part of my life
Yet it controls everything
No one knows
No one knows
I am in pain
And no one understands
Dec 2016 · 181
...
EmerellaLove Dec 2016
...
i am pregnant.

...

I didn't take the pills.

I was afraid I'd get fat.
Oct 2015 · 2.1k
Daddy's little princess.
EmerellaLove Oct 2015
Days went by
You didn't return
I waited for your call
You became a stranger
But I still loved you.

People told me I would never see you
People told me you would never come back
I told them that's not true
I told them I will go see you when I am bigger

When I found out I would come to the US
When I realized I would see you for the first time
My heart raced
I couldn't wait to get out of the airport
The process took way too long
I wondered if you would recognize me
I wondered if I would recognize you

You were standing outside
You were wearing a black coat
You had a blue balloon in your hand
It said Welcome in yellow letters
You had a bouquet of flowers in your hand
You handed both of them to me
I was your little princess
I am your little princess

I held onto the balloon for three days
from New York to Boston, I held onto it
When it flew away I cried
It was the first thing you gave me
and I let it go.
EmerellaLove Oct 2015
Sometimes I  feel lost in my own mind.
As if I can't control what I am thinking
How I am thinking
As if the entire world is staring at me
As if I am supposed  to prove everyone wrong
As if I am forced to act the way I do.
As if wearing a hijab means I am a perfect Muslimah
I am not.
I like wearing my hijab.
Sometimes I just want to walk alone.
In a dark forest
trying to find myself out
I just want to understand my own thoughts
One moment I am the most happiest girl in the world
And next I feel sad.
I cry
I feel worthless.
I feel like I'm not who I should be.
I want to be a doctor
But I can't think
I keep thinking I don't have the courage or the motivation
Or I am not smart enough

But a friend of mine once told me
"Everyone becomes a baby when they first start learning something. They have to be."

Maybe I am still a baby
Scared
To take my first step.
Jun 2015 · 514
Thunder days were fun.
EmerellaLove Jun 2015
I remember the days when
We were playing tag on the courtyard
Screaming and laughing.
"Catch me if you can"
The women,
Sitting on the stools in a circle watching over us
Sipping on their hot milk tea
With the crunchy puffed rice
And the men all gathered on the steps of the Masjid
Where they just prayed the afternoon prayer
They chatted about how their day went
The clouds became dark
We knew it was coming
We knew the storm was coming
We sang,
"Allah megh de, pani de, tufan de re, Allah megh de"
We sang for the storm to come quicker
The sound of the thuds of thunder rang in our tiny ears
All the adults ran inside

We ran the other way.
It was pouring rain
We jumped into the pond one after another
Swimming
Playing
We got the stem of the plant that floats on water
My friend threw it in the middle
We splish-splashed it away
I saw it first
I got it first
The first point was mine.
I miss the days in my small village where life seemed to be so normal and relaxing
I miss my childhood.
"Allah megh de, pani de, tufan de re, Allah megh de"
=
God give is rain, give us water, give us storm, God give us rain

— The End —