I don't regret my decision.
I'm in pain.
I had my abortion exactly a year ago today
I don't have anyone to talk to.
I feel lost
I feel like I shouldn't be mourning
It feels like such a small part of my life
Yet it controls everything
No one knows
No one knows
I am in pain
And no one understands
i am pregnant.
I didn't take the pills.
I was afraid I'd get fat.
hey, I just wanted to tell you I miss you.
all I wanted was for you to miss me as much as I missed you.
Missing you comes in waves,
It's different every time.
I usually stay on the shore--
too afraid to embrace that you're really gone.
But sometimes I'll put my feet in,
and I'll find myself walking into the memory of us.
Now I'm neck deep in the memory of us,
and the next wave is about to hit me.
I can see your smile,
and I can almost feel the warmth of your touch..
But then the wave swallows me,
and I find myself completely submerged in the memory of you.
I didn't mind drowning if it meant hearing your voice again.
I allowed the wave to toss and turn around me,
and pull me further under.
Then it hit me.
I remembered everything I had been trying so hard to forget.
It wasn't until that moment that I finally understood:
Loving you was like the ocean.
Days went by
You didn't return
I waited for your call
You became a stranger
But I still loved you.
People told me I would never see you
People told me you would never come back
I told them that's not true
I told them I will go see you when I am bigger
When I found out I would come to the US
When I realized I would see you for the first time
My heart raced
I couldn't wait to get out of the airport
The process took way too long
I wondered if you would recognize me
I wondered if I would recognize you
You were standing outside
You were wearing a black coat
You had a blue balloon in your hand
It said Welcome in yellow letters
You had a bouquet of flowers in your hand
You handed both of them to me
I was your little princess
I am your little princess
I held onto the balloon for three days
from New York to Boston, I held onto it
When it flew away I cried
It was the first thing you gave me
and I let it go.
Sometimes I feel lost in my own mind.
As if I can't control what I am thinking
How I am thinking
As if the entire world is staring at me
As if I am supposed to prove everyone wrong
As if I am forced to act the way I do.
As if wearing a hijab means I am a perfect Muslimah
I am not.
I like wearing my hijab.
Sometimes I just want to walk alone.
In a dark forest
trying to find myself out
I just want to understand my own thoughts
One moment I am the most happiest girl in the world
And next I feel sad.
I feel worthless.
I feel like I'm not who I should be.
I want to be a doctor
But I can't think
I keep thinking I don't have the courage or the motivation
Or I am not smart enough
But a friend of mine once told me
"Everyone becomes a baby when they first start learning something. They have to be."
Maybe I am still a baby
To take my first step.