a week ago
i turned 26.

two days ago
i hurt myself again
for the first time
in four years.

this time i didn't
use the little blades
from my razor.

this time i
got more personal.
used my own fingernails
to dig deep for the life
i'm scared to live
beneath this skin.

then i took some
deep breaths in
& restarted the journey again.

flat land to the horizon
cacti lined streets
sun blinding
mountain peaks like
dragon's teeth
eating cotton candy skies

harsh waves meet the shore,
as your sharp tongue meets our ears,
we drown and fade away.

trust yourself, love yourself, be yourself.
be kind, you truly don't know what another person is going through.
if you need help, ask. if you don't understand, ask.
even if you don't need help or even if you do understand, still ask--
someone may be able to teach you something new!
be curious. ask why.
define your success by something other than money.
put yourself first,
it's not selfish, it's necessary.
i love you,
i believe in you,
i respect you.
i hope you live out all of your wildest dreams.
stay gold.

grasping at things
not meant for me.
they slip from
my hands so
easily.

feeling
    hopeless
          helpless
full of fear.

what does the future hold?
they say it gets better
and i'm screaming

WHEN?

today i feel like
my heart left my body
and my brain left my head.

everything feels wrong
and nothing feels real
and i can't believe anyone
or even myself.
everything is distorted. contorted.
out of focus.

the stress runs through my body.
and sometimes there's a fire
in my stomach and i scream
****** ****** to put it out with
the tears that eventually come.

and i look at myself and almost
wanting to strangle the person
looking back at me i ask
over and over,
why
are
you
like
this

my mind is in knots.

there are so many twists and turns
that I can’t seem to follow
and I’m getting frustrated.

where is the start and where is the end?
and why is it so confusing?

i can’t sit still—my legs want to get up and go
but my brain is too tired for that right now.
i stay seated and try to untangle what is
the big grey lump in my skull, trying to figure out what it’s trying to say.

but it’s illegible and i can’t,
like a foreign language I don’t recognize.

hopefully as i spill out on to what was a blank sheet of paper i can break through those knots and maybe comprehend the load of thoughts running through and around each other in the space of my body that has been assigned to them.

i only wish i knew for certain that there would finally be a break through and that i will know what I should be knowing.

gathering myself might help as I feel as if
i’m spread across a massive surface that
i can’t seem to find all the pieces of myself on.

but how can I find myself when I barely know myself?

when i find out, i’ll let you know.